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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 15/04/2014 00:21

F**k it. Just need to rant this evening!

I'm so sick of analysing and over-analysing everything to the nth degree. I just want to chill out and go with the flow. Try and find some sort of new normality.

I just feel snappy and irritable today. And very, very sad... Sad Sad Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
Pimpf · 15/04/2014 06:42

Rant away. Has anything specifically happened or is it just a bad day?

Are you able to go away for a few days?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 15/04/2014 07:18

Nothing major has happened. Had a good day on the whole. Spent time with DS1 on his own as the other two were in nursery and at a friend's house. Saw my parents and went to the park later with both DSs and my sister and her DCs.

DH told his mum the day before yesterday - felt he had to as all other close family know, including DD, and something may slip out one day in front of her.

She was disappointed in him. I just feel a bit p'd off (irrationally?) that no-one has got angry with him, apart from me. And I haven't heard from her. And probably won't. And I'd like to as I think she's lovely and we get on well. I want someone to be on my side instead of his. I know that's ridiculous and childish. No-one is on 'his side'. Everyone is on 'ours'. They're all rooting for us and hoping we get through. this. I'm just being stupid.

And just sick to death of being the 'thinker' rather than the practical one who just gets on with it. Like I said, wanting to find some normality. Instead of waking up early with a brain full of doubts and questions every morning.

Questions I get the same honest answers for every time I ask. But they're still there. I want them to go away for a bit until we're both ready for counselling together.

All jumbled up and confused, sorry.

OP posts:
dollius · 15/04/2014 07:26

I'm so sorry honey that you have had to go through all this crap. But your recent posts just scream out to me that you don't really want to be trying anymore.

You are angry that he has had fewer consequences than he should, that no-one seems angry with him. That you are left boiling with rage about the whole thing on your own. And you are completely reasonable to feel that way.

It sounds exhausting and unsustainable. I think you need a bigger break from him at least.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 15/04/2014 07:37

No I do want to be trying.

I think it's normal to want others to be angry with him, surely, as the 'wronged' party. I can also see why people wouldn't show it even if they were...

And yes in some ways I'd like there to be more consequences for him. But at the same time I can tell that what he's put me through has impacted loads on him as well. He hates that he's hurt me so much. He's lost a stone and a half in weight. He wasn't overweight to begin with. He is so much more affectionate and 'present' and open.

I don't want a bigger break from him at all. I really don't. I just need someone to share this anger (which is far less frequent and vitriolic than it was) with. I'm sick of taking it out on him. Of questioning, questioning, questioning. I need to find a way to just let it go, even for a while....

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 15/04/2014 07:41

I think what you are going through is normal - all part of the recovery process.

I would allow yourself 5 mins to wallow in all thoughts about the affair and then make an effort to do something else - make a cup of tea, clear out a cupboard, read a magazine, call a friend etc to distract you. In time you should find that you stop being so obsessed.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 15/04/2014 07:48

I think part of is that I feel 'pressure' from everyone to try again.

I don't mean from DH. From everyone else. Everyone just says that we should.

And on the whole I agree. But part of me just feels like screaming 'fuck off' and running away from it all! Just because I can...

OP posts:
catsrus · 15/04/2014 07:56

20yrs ago my best friend found out her dh had an affair with a work colleague. She threw him out, he went to counselling, they got back together. 3 yrs later he had another fling with the same woman. They worked through it again. What did happen was that she then found herself getting involved with someone - she was self aware enough to know that there was an element of revenge in there so she didn't let it go any further because she did not want out of her marriage.

I was Shock that she took him back - and Shock when she told me about the EA - but I have to say that from what I can see the marriage is strong and they enjoy each others company and are affectionate and supportive of each other.

I suppose what I'm saying is that only you and your dh can decide whether this is something you can repair and move forward from - I'm not sure it would have been possible for me but it has absolutely worked with my friend so good luck.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 15/04/2014 07:59

I don't mean for him to f-off.

I just mean the whole situation. All of it.

OP posts:
ormirian · 15/04/2014 08:00

Find a counsellor for you and you alone and rant at her. First time I saw mine I said hello, Sat down and sobbed, gave her a stream of consciousness rant, stopped, sniffed and drank my tea. Then we started to talk. It helps. It strengthens you for whatever you need to do. MC can wait until YOU are ready.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 15/04/2014 08:48

I've had some individual counselling. I've cried and ranted loads. It has helped me a lot. I feel more confident than I have in years. I know how strong I can be now, far stronger than I ever thought. I know I would be ok if I had to do this on my own. I know I would be happier on my own than DH would be on his own. I have a happy, fulfilled life outside of family / work. I haven't let any of that slide in 20 years and I'm not going to start now.

I have taken a look at how other people interact with me and I realise that I am valued as a friend and a colleague. I am liked and respected and people enjoy my company.

I know that none of this is my fault. DH's issues, not mine. I accept I can't control what he does now. If he decides to hurt me again, I can't stop him.

But I also recognise that I want DH in my life and I want to work at this. And he does too.

But, bloody hell, it's all so hard...

OP posts:
MissScatterbrain · 15/04/2014 09:56

It has said on here many times that decision to stay in the marriage is usually the hardest path to take and that it would be much easier to separate (although this route is not without challenges).

After hysterical bonding, many betrayed parties experience a huge crash and this is probably what you are going through.

All we can say is that it does take time and the norm is around two years - remember that there is no shame in deciding that this isn't what you want after all.

MissScatterbrain · 15/04/2014 09:57

*been said on here many times and that the decision...

Pimpf · 15/04/2014 19:52

Its your decision, no one else's if you decide to make a go of it.

Pimpf · 22/04/2014 22:47

Hi Jones, how was your Easter?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 22/04/2014 23:17

On the whole it's been OK. Most of the time it feels fine. Almost normal.

And then I panic it shouldn't be, and I start worrying I'm letting him off too easily, and over-analysizing to the point where I get upset and angry over the slightest thing. Massive argument last night which I regret v much today.

So I decided today to just take a deep breath and go with it - accept he really wants to be here, really wants to be with me, really loves me, that I have no control over what he does now, just how I react to it. Accept that he really wants to make it work, that he is trying so hard, that he truly regrets his behaviour and would never do this again.

Basically to accept what I see from him at face value if that makes sense....

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 23/04/2014 07:44

Sorry meant to say thanks for asking Pimpf...

OP posts:
Pimpf · 23/04/2014 23:34

I'm pleased that there are now more good days than bad.

Fwiw, I don't think you've let him off lightly at all, you need some normality for your own sanity.

even if you so decide you cant get past it, at least you know youve done evrythibg you possibly can. I hope to hear an update from you at some point in the future that all is well though. Take care

Grimesey · 24/04/2014 07:13

Hi I'm new and I have read threw your posts omg you av been threw so much and held it together god knows how, hope your spin ok and wish u well I hope u and ur hubby continue to work things out.

Take care. Xx

Grimesey · 24/04/2014 07:15

That was ment say hope your doin ok lol, my 2 yr old jumped on me. Xx

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 24/04/2014 09:22

Thanks Grimesey...

There are days when I've wondered how the hell I've held it together too! I've realised I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was before all this happened. I have good friends and a wonderful family which helps.

OP posts:
Ivehearditallnow · 29/04/2014 15:16

How are you Jones? Brew

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 29/04/2014 20:13

Hi.

I'm ok. Trying to take it one day at a time.

On the whole I feel positive. I'm happy I've made the right decision to try and work through this. Definitely feel that DH and I are both on the same page as far as that is concerned.

I'm happy that I've chosen to do this for the right reasons, and not through fear or just for the children. I believe that DH is too, although the fear that he doesn't really love me rears its ugly head fairly often and it makes me feel panicky.

He struggles to say it. He comes from a family where they all struggle to say it. (We had a conversation the other day where he realised that his mum has never told him she loves him since he's been old enough to remember.) He isn't struggling to show it though, in the way he's treating me and the way he has changed his behaviour. I need to try and accept that at face value and not expect grand gestures and constant 'I love yous'. He has never been that way. And I fell in love with him knowing that. He balances me out as I'm hugely over emotional.

I think part of the reason I'm generally feeling OK is that DH is trying so hard to repair things.

He's had a long good look at himself and has come to several conclusions about why he has behaved like this.

None of them paint him in a good light. But he's been honest about how stupid he has been.

I don't want to go into them on here, because I'm pretty sure someone will come along and try to say they should be deeper or that they can't possibly be the reasons. I'm 'happy' to accept them, even though they anger me and make me feel very sad.

He has not blamed me for a single tiny thing. And I don't blame myself either. I blame him for it all.

I'm trying to move forward. It's hard. There are setbacks. There are moments when I think of something new to ask him about what happened. Or moments when I have a flash back of some sort to the evening when I found those texts. I feel upset frequently. And angry occasionally.

I feel anger towards her too. I feel entitled to do that, although I know there are many on here who would say I shouldn't. She is married and as culpable as my DH. It annoys me that her relationship isn't suffering and I feel sorry for her husband that he doesn't know what she's done to him. But then I also wouldn't wish what I'm going through on him. And I don't care if she's hurting from what DH has done to her.

DH hates himself for hurting me. He is angry that he did what he did. If he could go back and change things he would. He can't, I can't. If only we could!

So basically - trying to move forward. It is still very early days. It feels like the longest 3 months of my life! I did have a moment today when I suddenly realised I hadn't thought about her for an entire morning! That was nice!

Thanks to everyone on here who has supported me, and posted on my thread, even if I didn't seem to take on what you said on board at the time. I was so hurt and dazed initially - I honestly thought I wouldn't survive but you were all amazing.

And quite honestly, I think I'm pretty amazing too! Grin

Nest of vipers, eh? Wink

Thanks
OP posts:
Pimpf · 29/04/2014 22:13

Yup, were a hideous lot!

IrianofWay · 30/04/2014 13:21

"So I decided today to just take a deep breath and go with it - accept he really wants to be here, really wants to be with me, really loves me, that I have no control over what he does now, just how I react to it. Accept that he really wants to make it work, that he is trying so hard, that he truly regrets his behaviour and would never do this again."

Hi Jones, orm here. That is exactly the conclusion I came to. After a lot longer than you of agonising, wondering, questioning, I just said to myself

'OK, he's here and we are still together. He tells me all the right things, he does all the right things, he has given me not one reason to mistrust him in (then) 18m of reconciliation..... so I am just going to beleive him. He is here because he wants to be, if at any point in the future he stops wanting to be here or is unhappy with anything, the onus is on HIM to say so'.

And of course the same applies to me. If I decide I don't want to be here or am not happy I will say so.

The alternative is to continue to drive myself mad and utterly exhausted second-guessing. Glad you reached that point earlier than i did!