Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

I feel in a much better place. I'm nowhere near as angry with him. I think a lot of my anger came from the fear of being totally alone. Since I know my parents are going to be great about all this the fear has gone. And since he has more clarity about his feelings too...

Don't know if that makes sense.

When we discuss it, I don't feel like I've been punched in the stomach any more.

I still have moments where I am very upset. But it's not angry upset if you see what I mean.

I got cross about something earlier but it was just a small rant rather than screaming and yelling.

I haven't handled a lot of it very well I know. I should have tried to remain calmer...

I am glad that everything's less acute and I'm very impressed with your parents' reaction and support.

I think you've handled a lot of it very well.

Stop that - your reactions were perfectly normal and understandable! I'm not sure how anyone could remain calm in this kind of situation. I understand you don't want to feel like a banshee who's always shouting or losing her temper but don't feel bad that you did. All part of the horrible process of getting through this thing together.

Logg1e

I have very obviously misjudged my parents. I feel bad about that.

I think I have been keeping them at arms' length for a few years due to an horrendous argument we all had over something my sister flipped out about. She blamed me for something and I took the blame very much to heart and have regretted the argument ever since. I felt my parents blamed me too. Of course they didn't. But in my head I built it up to be far worse than it was.

I am also rubbish at asking for help.

I think this will probably bring me and my parents closer....

Hi Jones

So glad to hear from you and it's great you seem to be happier.

I am also delighted your parents have impressed you and as you say, good things may come out of this terrible situation.

It might be worth, in the coming months, thinking about some of the things that have come up on this thread about yourself and blame/criticism. There is a lot of self-blame and the description of the argument above suggests you projected a lot of blame from your parents and sister on to yourself too. you also even castigate yourself for the way you misjudged your parents in the post itself. Perhaps it's worth exploring in counseling or with good friends what this is about, how it relates to your sensitivity to criticism you mentioned above and how you can work to rebuild your confidence, trust and new life with less self-laceration, more being open to asking for help and less finding fault with yourself. You husband having an affair is a really unkind and horrible thing to add to this because it can heap on top of that, and hurt you in exactly that area.

I agree that, strangely, once you really fully accept that it's possible and even in some ways, desirable to leave/break up, only then is it sort of possible to choose to stay together in a way that has any meaning, outside fear. Having and maintaining a network of support outside of the marriage allows this. Do keep pushing on that, there will be more people who can surprise you with their compassion and support and it will help sustain the marriage as well, if that is what you want.

Please keep returning here if you want support. There will be ups and down, of course, but I am glad you feel ready for them. Make sure you have a bottom line, even write it down for yourself, of what you expect and what you won't stand for in the future. Then love and respect yourself and stick to it.

All the best.

I have just read this thread through

You have grown so much, the break you had did so much good for you both.

Many times 'asking him to go' is confused as being told to LTB, but it's really not the same thing at all. It's creating the space to think, and also to NOT think iycwim.

From the start your dh has taken full responsibility and ownership of this affair, he's been open, honest and reassuring. If you're reading the Shirley Glass book, you'll know that all of these things are essential in relationships that survive infidelity.

You both have a good chance at making it, your own confidence in yourself, the loss of fear of being alone too will serve you well.

You'll be fine. Whatever happens. (((hug)))

You're amazing, you do know that, right?

You are splendid, OP.

So glad you have the support of your parents.

All the best to you (and your daughter).

I'm so glad to hear you sounding so much happier/positive.

Well done you!

Hi jones I just wanted to wish you all the best going forward. My marriage survived an affair and, ultimately, prospered. Every day I feel glad that we hung in there. BUT it took a long time and there were moments when I really felt I couldn't do it. There will probably be times when it feels that your dh is struggling with the loss of the ow and that will be very very hard. But sometimes it just feels right to keep going. Anyway I really really hope it all works out for you - lots of people thought my story would not end well but it did and yours can too.

so pleased to hear that things are going well and that you've got the support you need. Also that although he went away, he came back.

None of us that are on here now would ever describe you as being weak for taking him back, you've been incredibly strong throught everything. I am sure that there will be some tough times ahead, you may decide that you can't forgive, but you do what's right for you, not what anyone else thinks

Just to echo what everyone else has said - 'weak' is NOT a word I think of in reference to you. You are one strong woman who has been clear what she wanted.

Stop blaming yourself too for your relationship with your parents, they are adults and could have cleared the air too. Give yourself a break. You sound like a really great mum too

Seven weeks in...

No longer feel like I've been punched in the gut every time I think of it. Not exactly numb either. Anger, but not anger driven by fear. Very tearful still...

DH has had his 2nd individual counselling session and we have a bit more understanding of why, potentially, this has happened. All to do with him, none to do with our marriage really.

He seems calm and more settled than me. I'm feeling a little resentful of that.

I'm alternating between being completely ambivalent about it all or just wishing we could fast forward to being happy again. I know we can't and it's going to take time.

I don't feel the OW is a threat at all most of the time. He has been so open about his feelings for her. Then and now. About when he has seen her at work (all purely professional with others present). She may still be harbouring feelings for him but if she is she hasn't acted on them. Maybe this has been a wake up call for her marriage too. I don't believe he would start anything up again.

And then I read other threads on here and panic that I may just be a mug whose husband will cheat again and again.

I have my second counselling session this week.

I want a way to put this behind me and concentrate on going forward. (I don't mean in a sweeping it under the carpet way.) How do I stop dwelling on what has happened, stop asking the same questions over and over (consistently getting the same answers), focus on improving us and our relationship? Look to a better future possibly.

Is it too soon to be expecting this of me? Dh isn't asking this of me. I am...

How do I be normal around him? Feel like we're both on our best behaviour all the time when attempting the every day stuff...

Unfortunately there is no fast way, and try not to dwell on the once a cheating bastard, always a cheating bastard posts. Yes it does happen, but look at how many posts there have been where he hasn't cheated again, it really was just the one huge fuck up.

7 weeks on and you're doing remarkably well, don't underestimate what you have been through

All credit to you for making such an effort. I see that you're a teacher - it must be hard to find the emotional space given all you've been through with a job like that. I have no wise words - I think this is something that you just have to continue to process and work your way through.
Are you getting anything just for yourself? You've had a huge shock and, reading the above, your life seems to be full of looking after everyone else and doing things for others? I'm not sure how easy it is to just switch off from what's happened to you but perhaps a bit of 'me time' doing things you really enjoy may help you with the process? Don't mean to sound trite - it's just that you're on a painful journey and looking after yourself along the way seems essential.
Wishing you well.

Thanks Pimpf. I know there is no quick fix.

It's very hard to avoid that opinion on here, and there are some awful stories about how many 'D'Hs just bugger off without a backward glance...

Sarine.

I have a very busy week, activity wise - lots of rehearsals and concerts. It may sound like a drag to some, but it's what I love doing, and I'm bloody good at it. Also get to spend time with several close friends who play in the same orchestra as me, some of whom are helping to support me through this.

I have been determined to keep going to my rehearsals etc. all the way through this and even though it's been hard some times as I know he used the time when I was out to email and text the OW, I am not going to let that stop me doing something that is a vital part of my life and hugely important to my self esteem and confidence...

Hi Jones.

In my experience - these feelings are part of the process. They are horrible as many of us know, but if they are suppressed now they will seep out and manifest themselves later. I know I lost friendships over a lot of pent up rage/grief/shock towards XDP that I never let out or acknowledged. Have you been

You shouldn't have to justify your hobbies - I'm so pleased you have something do that means you can switch off and concentrate on, and surely a group of people you know away from the situation.

Try not to compare your situations to others... it won't really help. There's always a horror story lurking. The people that manage to work through situations like this rarely feel the need to come back and talk about it and I guess the people who's DP continued with OW/OM or went back will need MN and similar to vent.

Have you cried much? I found I didn’t for weeks and then all of a sudden – BOOM. It was awful, honestly thought I wasn't’ going to be able to stop at one point. But I felt so much better afterwards. Even if you stay together a grieving process is necessary. I really hope your next session with C’lr goes well... and that your daughter is doing OK x

whoops have you been should have been RE crying but I started waffling about something else haha

I've cried lots and shouted lots...

And felt empty and numb some of the time...

The shouting is less than it was two weeks ago...

I don't think I've had a day where I haven't cried about some part of this...

Jones it sounds like you're doing brilliantly and this is all normal, from what I know and have experienced. You shouldn't judge yourself at all for a good six months about anything, and thereafter it's usually 2 years since the last lie before you can get through a day without thinking about it. Intimidating I know and it's just a guide, but just so you don't feel abnormal or weird.

All the best, You sound great.

Thanks Tessa...

Glad it's spilling out - although I know it can be painful and overwhelming. So much better (in the long run) than bottling up.

All the very best to you Jones x

Feeling sad this morning. It's our wedding anniversary.

Keep thinking of that lovely day and wondering how the hell we got here...

Jones Good morning.

I've been lurking and just wanted to say you have my best wishes both for today and for the future. I think it's wonderful you've re-connected with your parents (this happened to me too and not a moment too soon).

You don't come across as weak at all, you're a normal woman going through what's normal in circumstances which weren't of your choosing so cut yourself some slack .

I hope you and your H can spend the day remembering why you are so special to each other that you made a life-long commitment to each other.

Thanks wisey...