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Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
ormirian · 13/03/2014 14:25

Well done jones.

Ambiguity is the killer. Give yourself a chance to heal x

MissScatterbrain · 13/03/2014 15:16

Just caught up Sad

Ambiguity is difficult to get over and the best thing for this is loss. Loss is the only thing that motivates cheaters - if he is to want to come back to you, then he needs to feel loss of his family, his marriage, his wife etc.

Also the fact that OW is still at the same company and seeing her around means it will be much harder for him to let go of the feelings he had - all those admiring and adoring ego strokes he had can be addictive and this is why no contact is the best strategy.

The best thing you can do is to detach and focus on yourself.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 13/03/2014 20:32

His leaving may be for the best even if only to give you both some space for free thinking. It was going to eat you alive the way it was. I think you rock! Things will get better and there will be down days and backwards steps but he doesn't deserve you Jones. Why should you be expected to put up with that shit in your life?

livingzuid · 14/03/2014 10:06

How are you today jones?

tessa6 · 14/03/2014 10:52

Thinking of you, Jones. Don't worry if you don't want to talk about it but we're here if you do.

BakerStreetSaxRift · 15/03/2014 08:22

Jones, thinking of you. I know a bit about the state of mind you are in. You well have days, even hours, were you feel bereft and devastated, then some where you see a gap in the clouds. This way is probably more stable than having him in the house, re-hashing it all, and clinging on to the hope that he'll give you an answer (to a question you've asked 10 times already) that will somehow fix it all.

Only1scoop · 15/03/2014 08:28

Thinking of you Jones Thanks

Pimpf · 18/03/2014 23:03

Hi Jones, how are things?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 17:29

I told my parents what was going on Thursday evening.

They were amazing.

I regret not telling them sooner.

Complete and unconditional support and love, whatever I and DH decided to do. No anger, or judgement. Disappointment at what has happened, yes, but no blaming.

DH came home on Friday having realised how much he missed me and that the doubts about his feelings for me were because he assumed we should still have the sort of 'spark' he found with her. But we have a deeper connection than that. The romance is still there but in a different form. He has always said he was 100% committed to working through this. That hasn't changed.

I know that there are some of you on here who will think I've been weak by allowing him back. We need to go through this together. It is my choice. I'll happily come back and tell you if I've been a fool.

At least with my parents behind me I don't feel alone (even though I wasn't really). I feel there is a safety net to catch me if we fail.

OP posts:
lazarusb · 19/03/2014 17:38

You're right Jones, it's your choice. He went away and realised the true value of what you have together. He realised, on his own, that the 'spark' he had with her was artificial in comparison to the long term commitment he has with you.

I hope he uses this to move forward and work on building something more concrete with you and reinforcing that love you have, because it's the very least you deserve. Are you going to continue with counselling?

I'm glad your parents were supportive when you told them and I hope they will continue to support you as you walk this path together. It still won't be easy but I think he's made a breakthrough.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 17:39

Yes. He has a session this evening; my turn again next week.

Thanks. Was a bit nervous about posting...

OP posts:
Ivehearditallnow · 19/03/2014 17:41

Hey Jones Smile - how much do the kids know?

Good luck x

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 17:45

DS1 (10) and DS2 (2) know nothing.

DS1 is oblivious to anything except Minecraft and the PS3 atm... Wink

DD1 is aware of what has happened having overheard arguments. Discovered this on Saturday. We have chatted about it as much as she wanted to and I have told her to come to me when she feels ready to chat more.

It is my fault that she has overheard stuff as I've spent quite a lot of time yelling...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 17:46

DD not DD1. We only have the one... Wink

OP posts:
Ivehearditallnow · 19/03/2014 17:47

Aw - bless her. Well, she has to learn that her folks (Dad especially) and some point. I think you're amazing.

Ivehearditallnow · 19/03/2014 17:48

Whoops - 'aren't perfect' that should say (have a toddler shouting at me)

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 17:48

She's 13. I guess it's much harder to pull the wool over her eyes than the other two.

Esp as she seems to be nocturnal... :-/

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 17:52

Yeah.

When we chatted I told her that if I didn't believe that daddy wasn't a good man who has done a bad thing I wouldn't be giving him a second chance.

That he's always been kind and caring in the past and he just made some wrong decisions.

That he cheated on me not on her.

That he regrets doing it and causing me pain.

He never wanted to leave any of us.

I think she's mostly scared we'll divorce. I said that we're a long way from that.

Hope I've done the right thing...

OP posts:
Ivehearditallnow · 19/03/2014 17:53

As long as you haven't promised you're fine. What will be will be.
You're great.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 17:53

No haven't promised anything....

OP posts:
Ivehearditallnow · 19/03/2014 17:55
Smile

She'll be angry obviously. She'll probably go through a similar pattern you will trying to make sense of it all. Much better there's no secrets though. x

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 18:00

Yes she has said she's angry with him. Has also said she still loves him...

OP posts:
Logg1e · 19/03/2014 18:02

I'm glad you're still posting OP. I've just skimmed through all of your posts to refresh my memory and it's heartbreaking.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 19/03/2014 18:05

That pretty much sums it up for me too....

OP posts:
Logg1e · 19/03/2014 18:14

Are things less painful?

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