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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
tessa6 · 04/02/2014 11:11

How are you doing today, Jones? Don't feel bad for all those realizations and fantasies that hurt you, it's natural and not your fault, it's his. It's part of the process, though massively massively painful. Please eat and think through who in real life is going to be useful and supportive for you to confide in. People can be surprisingly present and kind about such things, sometimes surprising people (like acquaintances) because so many people have been through something similar.

tessa6 · 04/02/2014 11:18

Thinking of you

Here is Orm's initial thread

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1502040-Rumours-at-DHs-work

I posted on that under the name VanderElsken

Here is orm's thread after the initial shock wore off www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1863166-Oh-the-irony-After-15-months-he-has-realised-that-he-didnt-love-her-after-all

If I were you I would look at the first one when you feel strong enough, then leave it a while to look at the second one. or neither, you have enough to be dealing with!

Don't worry, there are posters here who have been through what you have and come out happy on the other side, in better marriages, or on their own. You will be okay, even though it hurts like being knifed in the chest right now.

It can only get better from this and you are stronger than you think, look how deftly, intelligently and courageously you've defended yourself and seen things here. And this is at the peak of it all. All hugs.

madeofkent · 04/02/2014 13:43

Jones, I lost 10lb a week roughly at first and dropped from a size 14 to a size 8. That's quite an expensive weight drop. I thought I looked great but now seeing photos I can see I looked haggard. I didn't put it back on for about two years. I wish it had been longer! So please try to eat healthily. I remember feeling sick, even after ten years.

I kept a diary of sorts during this time. I went back and had a look at it after reading your post, and read 'We have been together for ten good years. I worked bloody hard at it at times, and so did he, why would I throw it all away for one mistake?'

I think he is nicer now, calmer. He has made his choice and stuck with it. He is more committed. I thought he was before, maybe he was, but now I feel that he is more so.

But do warn him - the first sign of it ever happening again, and that's it. You will probably feel a bit obsessed by it, after all you are going through a bereavement process for the person you thought he was. I had thought my husband was perfect, I had to look at him in a different way and part of me still mourned the old perfect person who had never really existed. I remember writing dates down in the calendar, thinking 'it's a year since I found out, a year since he dumped her', etc. I wish I had had a forum like this to help back then, because I certainly didn't get any support for my choice from my family. I made a new life for myself from people who didn't know about our problems, it was easier than receiving pitying looks.

AnyFucker · 04/02/2014 19:13

How was today, Jones ?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 04/02/2014 20:25

I got through it.

Have been so angry this evening. Have yelled a lot. Am out for a bit to leave DH deal with the kids.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 04/02/2014 20:31

Hope you're ok. Anger is good, get it out. Where are you off to? Can you see a friend and talk about it, have a cry?

livingzuid · 04/02/2014 21:18

Hi Jones, sorry to hear it's not good :( day off tomorrow though so you can have some quiet time to yourself.

FoxyTerrier · 04/02/2014 21:54

Hi Jones. Just wanted to check in to see how you are doing?

I did lots of yelling and crying when I first found out too. You mentioning teeth aching made me remember that my mouth was as dry as a bone; I could hardly swallow. Also lost a lot of weight.

I read something that described this process as trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle, when you are missing half of the pieces. Your husband has all the pieces, and so you always feel on the backfoot. I asked endless questions - the same ones, over and over. I think it's completely necessary to help you understand it a bit more (though I still don't) I also remember those random thoughts popping into my head about how he must've been feeling...there are still things that haunt me and set me off.

Sweet tea was the thing that got me through, but eating did get easier, and helped me think straighter. My head was thudding a lot of the time with the stress of it.

I hope you have good night's sleep tonight, and a better day tomorrow if not working.

Take care

somersethouse · 04/02/2014 22:46

I am also thinking of you and think you are doing briliantly.

Hope you sleep well.

cjel · 04/02/2014 22:50

Hope you feel a bit better after you've been outxxxxxx

CoolaSchmoola · 05/02/2014 08:14

Be kind to yourself op. I hope that you are able to get some rest today, even if that means curling up on the sofa in comfy clothes with a fluffy blanket watching crap daytime tv or reading a book. It may sound daft, but it might occupy your brain enough to give you a rest from the roller coaster. Books do this for me.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 05/02/2014 08:22

I just drove around aimlessly for a bit. And then had a cuppa and texted a friend.

Came back and yelled a bit more.

Then more talking rather than shouting.

I'm scared that I'm being so angry all the time. I'm frightening myself with the way I'm behaving. I've always had a temper but I have never been this angry in my entire life. Understandable I know.

I'm scared that even though DH wants to work things through my current behaviour will drive him away.

Pathetic, eh?

OP posts:
cjel · 05/02/2014 08:35

WOW. No not pathetic. just hurt and confused and you have every right to be. I can't remember if you are seeing a counsellor but if you are not then I suggest you get onto it straight away. You will have somewhere to let it all out without feeling guilty about it.Flowers I second what COOLA says, be kind to yourself - whatever you need to do is right for youxxxx

mammadiggingdeep · 05/02/2014 08:35

Well done- you made it through another day. Hope you manage to have a nap today and recooperate a bit in your day off.

Everything you're feeling is natural- go with it. I understand you worrying about what your husband thinks about your angry behaviour- you HAVE to get it out and go through this. Try not to think about his feelings, hard I know.

You're doing bloody marvellously. Try to eat and nap today
X

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 05/02/2014 09:06

We are going to Relate next Tuesday. It's my birthday on Monday so I was hoping to put my parents to babysitting use for my exciting purposes before all this...

Shall see what we make of it. We both feel that after the initial session we would rather have separate counselling to begin with. Am not hopeful about Relate after some of the responses on here and articles that I've been sent links to. We shall see, I guess.

DH said last night that nothing I do or say at the moment can change the fact he wants to be with me and work things through. He is devastated at what he has done. He knows he is to blame for every single thing I am feeling and going through.

I guess I will have to wait and see about that too.

We managed to reach a stage of entente cordiale last night. He knows that I need to vent at him. But I think for the benefit of my mental well-being I need to stop being quite so vitriolic and bitter if I can, as it isn't making me feel better.

I am however taking great pleasure in referring to the OW as 'that fucking whore you shagged' or 'that skanky bitch from work'. It makes me feel better. And also thinking up ways to hurt her. None of which I will actually do as I want to try and retain some dignity.

A friend should be popping over this afternoon. She is my oldest friend (bar one) who lives 300 miles away. I am not going to tell her, purely because she is going through a worse time than me. Her husband is a lazy sod who does nothing around the house and barely interacts with their two beautiful children. He has recently found a permanent job, while she hasn't (though is still working) and has threatened to become financially abusive as well if she continues to ask him for help around the house. He is also cruel in other ways in my opinion...

Thanks for letting me ramble.

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 05/02/2014 09:07

Bloody phone

That should read 'She is my oldest friend (bar one who lives 300 miles away)

OP posts:
livingzuid · 05/02/2014 09:16

Hi jones glad to hear you're going to have some company today. Awful about your poor friend :(

See how it goes at Relate. I personally had a very good experience and it helped me realise I needed to ditch my X although nothing to do with what you've been through. It's worth going just to see what happens although sucks that it's around your birthday too. There is never good timing for this is there.

You're still raging mad which is to be expected. And it will pass. It's not good to bottle anything up either and to be fair he has to expect the raging to continue for quite a while yet. There's no prescribed pattern of when the anger will stop and it's been less than a week so far. Give yourself time. And be nice to you. You're going through a lot.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 05/02/2014 09:34

Today I just feel sad.

I haven't really stopped crying this morning.

Thank God DS2 is only 2 and isn't aware that mummy isn't at her best.

My friend is lovely. I am devastated for her.

Makes you realise that there are always people worse off than yourself.

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 05/02/2014 09:42

The anger will probably come again tonight when he comes home and acts as if nothing has happened. Which he isn't doing really. He's just trying to be 'normal' for the sake of the kids. Which is what I'm doing as well.

I thank God that both the older two seem unaware of what is going on. DD has told him that she is worried about our arguing so she has heard though not overheard if you see what I mean.

The arguing between us only really started happening a month or so after he shagged the skanky bitch from work.

Of course we argued before. Who doesn't? But nothing like it has been.

I am swinging from hating him and wanting to see him suffer as much as I am to wanting the reassurance that he still loves me and wants to work it through. It's hideous!

I can see that the pain I'm going through has devastated him though. He is constantly shaking and also lost loads of weight. It's a pity he didn't think about that possibility when he was scheming and emailing her but I can't change that... He is awful at expressing his feelings but has been more open than he has ever been before since I found out.

None of the above makes it any bloody easier though....

OP posts:
Coconutty · 05/02/2014 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc · 05/02/2014 10:48

Jones...still thinking of you x

Only1scoop · 05/02/2014 10:50

Hi Jones....I think it's almost like just an 'existing' stage at the moment. Just going through the motions of life day by day.... trying to gain the strength to tackle the next stage of emotion however that may present itself.
I hope you manage to switch off from it all ....even if it's just for half an hour. It's exhausting when all your thoughts are consumed. It will be great to see your friend....gauge how you feel you may want to confide....you may want to not....and talk about anything but....no right or wrong.
All that you are saying makes perfect sense even if you think it doesn't.

katrina81 · 05/02/2014 11:27

Hi Jones just read through the thread and wanted to add my support.

Having been through this myself in 2007 when my gorgeous dd2 was only 6 months, I completely understand that sickening, gut wrenching heartbreak. What you are feeling is normal, the hurt, anger, it changes daily and it will change over time. Just be kind to yourself, make sure you look after yourself, even if you don't feel up to it.

I chose to stay with my DP it was 7 years ago now and we have been together for 14 years. It was not easy, I hated him for ages, and the resentment I felt for him and the betrayal. I did learn to trust him again, it took a while, random spot checks on his phone, he allows me to track him etc.

You never really forget though, it is like a scar that never really heals and you pick away at it opening up all the pain over again, however I will say the scar is healing for the moment and the more time goes on, the less "I pick at it"

Give yourself time OP and trust your instincts into making the right decision for your family.

AnyaKnowIt · 05/02/2014 11:49

Has he told his sister yet?

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