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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

752 replies

JonesTheSteam · 01/02/2014 01:21

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 05/02/2014 11:58

He is going to see his sister tomorrow night after work. He felt he should tell her face to face not over the phone.

She lives 50 mins drive away so there has been no opportunity to do it before...

OP posts:
Pimpf · 05/02/2014 12:04

Hi Jones, your reactions are completely normal, just take each day at a time for now and remember to take care of yourself, you will get through but you need time.

noddyholder · 05/02/2014 12:06

Very difficult to hide from a close friend. I hope you tell her tbh as you will be amazed at the relief/support

FoxyTerrier · 05/02/2014 15:13

Jones, am sure you don't feel it, but you sound very 'together'. You will get through this, honestly. The anger does dwindle, but I found it took a few months to stop feeling angry every day. I'm ashamed to say my temper got the better of me a lot, and I sometimes lashed out at DH. Had never done that before - but I wanted to hurt him. It was awful, and I didn't need to do it; he looked like a broken man most of the time. I've now got to a point where I don't want to, metaphorically speaking, bash him over the head on a daily basis, reminding him of what he's done. I do feel more 'serene' but there are some things I still want answers to - like just how did he think it was alright?

It will get easier.

TheBeautifulVisit · 05/02/2014 19:32

Quite a heartening article about a relationship evolving after an affair. Hope it helps, Jones. www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/jan/14/husband-affair-francois-hollande-valerie-trierweiler

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 06/02/2014 06:56

I've been feeling weirdly calm. Just sad and tearful really, still angry as hell but no more shouting. That's probably not good is it? Sad Sad

And I've lost 9lbs altogether. I weigh under 10st for the 1st time in about 3 years. (Am normally a healthy size 12).

One more day of work to get through...

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 06/02/2014 09:08

You will have times of quiet sadness and days of utter rage. Be prepared for the fact that you might not enjoy being around him at the weekend and he will actually annoy you without even trying. Try to get yourself some space and hide all the kitchen knives before you have a glass of wine.
Make sure you talk about anything that crops up that bugs you, it really does help.
Take care.

livingzuid · 07/02/2014 13:37

Hi Jones hope you are OK today and things are going easier for you. I know you have your relate appointment soon and hope that goes well. Thinking of you Thanks

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 07/02/2014 16:36

Hi livingzuid.

DH and I appear to be on the same page as far as we both want to work through it.

First session is Tuesday evening.

We have talked lots and lots though.

I'm not feeling as anxious. Still not able to eat or sleep brilliantly.

Thanks for thinking of me.

OP posts:
Pimpf · 09/02/2014 21:09

How's your weekend been?

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 09/02/2014 22:02

A mixture of anger, shouting, tears, calm and even violence (from me!).

I hate myself at the moment...

Sad Sad Sad Sad

OP posts:
Pimpf · 09/02/2014 22:13

Don't hate yourself. You do need to speak to someone in rl, whether a friend/relative or councillor.

You have every right to be angry, and you need to let it out, you need to find a way to move forward, with or without him, but don't forget, it's only been a week.

Don't be so hard on yourself

Bogeyface · 09/02/2014 22:26

When I found out about H he was all over me with "sorry, I am so sorry, please sit down and talk to me....blah fucking blah" he was panicking, that much was clear.

I was speechless that he was trying to hug me and "make it all better" [vom] I just stood there as the rage built up and then I smacked him one, around the face, nails out.

Not at all proud, I know, I know I should be flamed, but I understand how it can come to that sometimes.

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 09/02/2014 23:05

Jones, everything you're experiencing is perfectly normal in these circumstances. You will feel like you hate him and that you hate yourself too, it's all normal.

Just go with it and try to accept whatever emotions are coming up.

livingzuid · 10/02/2014 06:57

Hi Jones, it's normal to go thorough those emotions and very good that you are seeing a counsellor tomorrow. I'm so sorry that your weekend was crap. Nothing wise to say, only that it is such early days and it will take months and maybe years for you to work this through. It will get better but this is sadly the shit you have to go through first.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/02/2014 07:31

I don't think you should hate yourself!

YoniMatopoeia · 10/02/2014 12:30

Jones, so sorry you going through this. I know somebody mentioned it earlier, but I would highly recommend the book Just good friends by Shirley Glass. I know of two couples who found it really helpful.Your husband should read it too, because he needs to know how and why he gave himself permission to do this to you.

Only1scoop · 10/02/2014 15:59

Will be thinking of you tmrw at your first session.
Take care

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 10/02/2014 21:41

. Am I right it was your birthday today? If so, happy birthday.

I wish you strength, courage, peace and clarity of mind.

Good luck for tomorrow and the days after.

.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 10/02/2014 23:27

Yes. It is. Thanks. Not a happy one.

Just angry and confused and sad...

Sad Sad

OP posts:
nomdirkplume · 11/02/2014 18:50

Jones I wanted to offer sympathy and belated birthday Thanks
My own belief is that you can forgive most things not all but most things one time. Once can be an awful mistake more than once is a habit.

My DH had an affair very early in our marriage. He didn't confess I found out. The OW was very attractive and someone who'd presented herself as a friend. We had been together a long time and it absolutely broke my heart. Because I loved him so much I decided not to split at that point but to try and work it out with the belief that if it didn't work then I would know for sure I was doing the right thing. If I didn't try I might always have wondered if we could've repaired the marriage and been happy because he was the last person you'd ever have expected to cheat.

It wasn't easy in the beginning but we did stay together. We have had a family and been very happy. I just looked up what our next wedding anniversary will be it's jade which used to be coral and if you asked me now if I'd still marry him knowing what I do about our life together I wouldn't hesitate to say yes. Apart from the one devastating period he's been a wonderful husband and father and we're having a fantastic life together still.

I NC for this, but if you want any support or handholding feel free to contact me. I hope everything works out for the best for you but keep remembering that it takes time and there will be rocky patches.

livingzuid · 11/02/2014 18:54

Hi Jones hope the counselling was useful for you today.

Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 11/02/2014 19:13

It's this evening...

Waiting for my parents to arrive to babysit so we can go...

They think we're going out for a meal...

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesTheSteam · 11/02/2014 19:14

Thanks nomdirkplume.

That is what I'm willing to believe.

In between doubting that he could do what he's done if he loved me...

OP posts:
Pimpf · 11/02/2014 20:07

Hope you find this evening helpful