Can't be bothered to name change. Discovered emails on DH's phone...

[JonesTheSteam]

He's been having an affair with someone he works with...

I felt angry initially. Now just feel numb... :-(

Hand holding please...

Jones, big hugs.

The pain in your teeth is caused by tension in your face and jaw. Essentially your whole face is sized up caused by the stress. If someone was to massage your jaw right now you'd feel it! I get this when in extreme stress as well. It will go away as you begin to relax more. Remember right now sleep is very difficult as you have cortisol charging round your body keeping you awake as well as your thoughts chasing each other. Can you pop a Nytol or get a prescription from your gp? Just temporary until your stress levels start to drop. Your body's natural defences are on high alert right now.

So eat mushy food and avoid anything too rich or heavy. I had to eat mash potato for a week or so. Don't worry about crap diet it will sort itself out. Main thing is to drink lots of water and eat what you can. Try to take a vitamin and stay well for dcs.

Glad to hear the ow thing is done. And yes he has to prove himself to you and rebuild that trust. That's going to take a very long time and how he achieves this has yet to be determined.

I repeat myself again but you are being very strong. For me there is something there about you seeking out a neutral sounding board such as a counsellor now. Am sure you know to be comfortable with the person etc and just do what feels right for you.

Is it worth saying to dcs that mum is still not very well which might explain bouts of weepy in front of them? They must bring you such comfort :)

Try and have a good night's sleep and let us know how you get on tomorrow.

Because Relate have a bad reputation for dealing with infidelity. Their book on affairs for example is awful.

It might be worthwhile doing a search on threads here for Relate. I've seen lots of people say the same thing.

The shock thing makes sense, thanks. Went into shock after DC3 and this feels similar if not quite so strong...

The tension in my jaw makes sense too.

Thanks everyone...

Relate have a reputation for assuming there was a problem in the marriage, that something was "missing" that tends to reinforce the betrayed partner's (often mistaken) idea that they are somehow to blame for being cheated on

They tend to recommend things that "reward" the betrayer like proposing more "childfree time", going on mini breaks to "reconnect" and subtly supporting the "pick me dance"

This, of course, totally misses the fact that the problem is not the "relationship" but is actually a product of the cheater's selfishness, sense of entitlement, the rationalisations they use and quite often years of being the one that hasn't actually been supporting the relationship in the way that he/she should have done.

If you get any sense of that, OP, I suggest you terminate the sessions

There were some interesting articles in the guardian a while ago around Relate I will try and find them. If not relate, then others will have some suggestions or ask your Gp. Personal referral is useful.

jones I've been following this from the start and am appalled at some of the replies you have had at a time you need support. I think you have handled this with grace and dignity and you should be proud of yourself. For what it's worth it sounds like your DH has seen the error of his ways and although it will be hard to build up the trust you will probably find you come out of this a stronger couple. It takes guts to leave and guts to stay and fight for what you believe is right for you and your kids so nobody can judge the choices you are making. Look after yourself - eat soup it won't hurt your teeth and will give you something to keep you going. God knows you are probably knackered. I will keep following and will be hoping for the best for you all xxx

On the counselling thing, I'd recommend going for individual counsellling first.
At this stage the marriage is in a kind of fantasy state. Both of you need time for things to settle down and reality to really sink in - on both sides - before joint counselling, in my experience.
IC can help you in many ways, consider that first.

Yes, tessa's posts are always spot on I think.

Ok Jones I think you are back to feeling supported now? Waiting with interest about the Relate article. Maybe do what AF says and watch out for them 'rewarding the betrayer'? Christ that would piss me off

Hope you manage to sleep...maybe a bath before bedtime?

Here you go. It's quite good. May be worth reading the comments as well.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2013/oct/26/relate-75-years-marriage-guidance

Wow, that is an eye opener!

Weren't the comments from users of the service revealing?

Thanks for the link.

Will see what happens next Tuesday, but I'm glad I've been made aware of potential pitfalls.

Today's joy is that DH is going to a clinic on the way home to get tested for STIs... Just typing that makes me want to throw up.

Have barely slept again.

Hate the fact that he must have leaving for work, skipping out the door like a spring lamb on the days when he would see her in a meeting. Regardless of how 'professional' it was when they saw each other in work.

Sorry that last bit seems a bit random. He has just left for work and it crossed my mind that was probably how it was for him...

Morning.

It's not random. Very understandable as you are replaying all the scenarios in your head. It's rotten you have to go through this. And it is good news about the sti clinic in a hard practical sense. But it must all be horribly surreal as you wonder how your life ended up this way :(

At least you have a day off tomorrow to not have to add the burden of work to it all. No wise words just support here. Lots of fluids today and nice cup of tea. Eat what you can but don't pressure yourself into anything.

If relate is not for you there will be many others who can see you. Do you have a counselling service through work? Mine had telephone counselling and could recommend counsellors in the area.

Morning...
Sorry you didn't sleep well. Hope you get through the day ok...one foot in front of the other. As another poster said yesterday, don't fight this roller coaster, go with it. Don't get cross with yourself if you want to cry...the random thoughts are a part of it. You get flashbacks and realisations at the drop of a hat.
Try to eat...failing that lots of drinks. Maybe you can manage some sweets...bit of sugar at least.
Horrible that its necessary for him to have Sti checks but good that he's going- and once it's done that bit is over at least.
Sending you strength and a virtual hug

The party having the affair has the advantage of having not only been present (having full knowledge of precisely what happened) but also of processing the emotions associated with infidelity in advance of discovery. They have a sort of first mover advantage.

You must stop him if he seeks to hurry you along through the very necessary emotional process of grieving your old relationship. You must be allowed to do that and fill in your knowledge gaps before you can start to refashion your relationship into something that will support a shared future.

I don't know if Orm is still around on Mumsnet. She wrote some incredible stuff about working through her husband's affair. They made a success of staying together.

Morning Jones I am glad you have stayed.
The support here is priceless. In real life, people - even (or especially) friends and family will run away from such raw pain.
I am really sorry some of us (me included) came over as unsupportive.
Believe me, every poster wants the best for you.
Just that there is no magic pill, or secret formula, or right decision that can stop the pain quickly - as many of us (who did not have MN) know all too well :(

I also feel that people in RL are too close to the situation, too emotionally involved themselves or don't wish to speak too strongly in case they are excluded later on.

How many times do you hear of the messenger getting shot to pieces ? Or someone giving "advice" that is ignored and then the friendship falters.

People in RL much more likely to keep their distance and/or tell you what it is they think you want to hear.

I don't think Orm would say they are fully recovered judging from her last posts on here. Recovery from infidelity is usually very tough on the betrayed party even in cases where the cheater has done all the right things.

Agree, Miss. I think it's been about 18 months now for Orm and it's been very tough. I keep thinking about Orm when I read this thread.
I think she posted support on an infidelity thread just before Christmas, if she's still around I think her input could be very helpful to Jones.

so hard for you sorry. My sisters husband had an affair. They are now still together in a very good marriage 15 years later. Obviously each situation is unique, but people do move past this if both of them want to. I should have hated my BIL but strangely didn't.

Jones
Your last comment didn't sound random at all....having been through a similar situation, I certainly remember these kind of thoughts popping into my head.
The lack of sleep makes everything even more difficult to process....and as Living says the tension in the jaw area especially can cause the strangest symptoms....and headaches/tension in the neck also.
...I think AF has a point. It is understandable for people to be more direct and say things differently behind the anonymity of an internet forum, than they would in real life....I'm sure I would be guiltily of this myself to some extent.
You don't come across anywhere as weak but quite the opposite....
A day off tomorrow to at least take a breath will hopefully help.
Thinking of you