Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

[clam]

Agree. These are not the actions of a kind man. And who wants to be married to someone who is not basically kind?

[handfulofcottonbuds]

It seems very raw for you still and understandably so. Are you strong enough for mediation? I have waited 4 months for my mediation (it is tomorrow) as I wanted to be ready and much stronger.

My H would only talk about divorce and selling the house for months after he dropped the bombshell that he didn't love me. I said to him that it wasn't his decision to make and that I would say when we got divorced.

They can be so cruel.

[BalloonSlayer]

I think the reason he did/said that awful thing on Christmas day is the biggest pointer to the OW.

OW: I can't bear the thought of you being with your DW over Christmas playing Happy Families. You've bought her a present as well, haven't you?

Him: Well of course I have, how can I not buy her a present?

OW: Waaaah! You don't love meeeee! You're never going to tell her! You're a bastard! [correct] etc etc

So he does what he did as a sop to the other woman. "Yeah I spent Christmas day and yeah I gave her a present. But I told her as I handed it to her."

( I remember going away with ExH to a posh hotel for our wedding anniversary. He had been to a works' party the night before and stayed away the night, I had trustingly thought nothing of this. He made a BIG point of stressing that he was really, really tired and "wouldn't be any use to me" which puzzled me as I wasn't really expecting rampant sex and it was just not the sort of thing he ever said. When he dumped me 2 weeks later he strenuously, believable, angrily denied there was anyone else and I never did find out. But I believe there was, and I reckon the "wouldn't be any use to me" conversation was because he had spent the night before with the OW and she was outraged that he was taking his wife away for their anniversary - HIS idea BTW! - and he had appeased her by promising he wouldn't shag me. It was the only convincing explanation. )

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Just a thought, are you taking Form-E into mediation? There is a section on there asking if you have started a new relationship. If he has said no and it turns out later on that he has then it really doesn't look good on him as you are meant to put all the truth down on there. You should also see his bank statements over the past 12 months so you will see what he has been spending his money on. Then you should know once and for all.

I'm sorry if it is too much for so many of us to be focussing on another woman but that is how it seems. My H told me the night before our wedding anniversary that he didn't love me and he wanted a divorce. They seem to use key moments like anniversaries, C/mas etc to say these things.

[Ledkr]

It might be ok not to discover an ow yet if she does exist.
Give op time to heal and get stronger.

I also boggle at these guys who just "want out" everything tied up and sorted so they can move on as quickly as possible, all completely forgetting the other people who may need more fucking time!!

Remember op, your revenge is when he can see you are not devastated by his cruel selfish behaviour, rather that you are dignified and accepting and taking action to ensure you get what's best for you and the children and not for him.

It is then you will see the pitying and patronising look wiped off his cruel face.

[Tonandfeather]

You have to think about what's normal behaviour for people who've been unhappy for years, but have never said anything about it beyond the odd moan or gripe.

That would be to sit down and talk about it and if it can't be resolved, to suggest therapy.

No way would a parent who'd never even given a partner the chance to work on things, blurt out that they don't love their partner anymore and will be leaving - on Xmas day. Then go straight to divorce and selling houses in the space of 4 weeks.

That just doesn't happen.

Unless there's someone else.

He never left his phone lying around. It was always on silent.

For your own peace of mind it's going to be better to assume there IS someone else and so while he's deeply infatuated, nothing's going to change his mind.

So accept it's over, but don't let him push you into a divorce or selling the house until you're ready.

Mediation is pointless when someone's telling lies. You're not ready for it anyhow. You're still in shock.

You say he told the children before he left.

Now you should talk to their schools and start telling the people who love and care for you that you all need their support.

Try your best to detach from him. If you can't help crying when you see him, don't see him.

You say you're unsure whether he is really at a friend's house, so make your husband take the children out when he sees them. Do a porch handover or get someone else to do that for you.

[canttypefortears]

I know what it looks like, and i hope its not. I think its not. Struggling for now. The reasons hes given me are valid but not enough to breal a marriage!

I know i should be looking at this differently and thinking of my childrens and my future. But i cant believe its come to this. He really was a lovely man and never bullied me before. I didnt stick my head in the sand, maybe he did but he was an oscar performing actor if so!

Dont worry, im going in all guns blazing tomorrow. I know what his and my responsibilities are towards the children, he hasnt got rights so to speak. I do however want as much as possible to remain as close as i can. I will unfortunately always hold a torch.

[canttypefortears]

I know what it looks like, and i hope its not. I think its not. Struggling for now. The reasons hes given me are valid but not enough to breal a marriage!

I know i should be looking at this differently and thinking of my childrens and my future. But i cant believe its come to this. He really was a lovely man and never bullied me before. I didnt stick my head in the sand, maybe he did but he was an oscar performing actor if so!

Dont worry, im going in all guns blazing tomorrow. I know what his and my responsibilities are towards the children, he hasnt got rights so to speak. I do however want as much as possible to remain as close as i can. I will unfortunately always hold a torch.

[Doha]

OP you may hope it's not but deep deep down l am sure you do know that it is..

[canttypefortears]

I think its a possibility....

[Tonandfeather]

How much support are you accessing for you and the children?

Have you told everyone who needs to know?

School, your folks, his folks?

Your children especially need support after he sat them down and told them he was walking.

[canttypefortears]

They all know now. I didnt want to share it originally as i thought it was a nasty mistake. The shame i feel is imense too.

When he left he said he had to sort his head out and if he thought it was a mistake he would come back. I really thought he would. Honestly, there were no real signs anything was seriously wrong. I feel he is depressed and wont talk to me as if its a weakness. He was always so strong. But the way its heading it will be too late. Divorce will be signed and rubber stamped. Finances all over the place.

[LilyBlossom14]

I was in the same situation as you 2 years ago. Literally overnight said he didn't love me any more. Previous week had been declaring undying love. He turned into a cold heartless monster overnight and vanished from our lives. I felt just as bad as you did, thought he was having a breakdown, etc - and yep, sure enough, I discovered an OW. I think you will find one too. And my ex was the last man on earth to ever do such a thing - or so we all thought!

My advice is lean on your friends, take any medical help or advice and do not contact him at all. Take any support from school for your children too. Only communicate regarding the children. Do not let him into your home, do not spend any time with him begging for explanations. He will only blame you and tell a pack of lies. You will have to harden your heart and square your shoulders. Sorry, but you will find the strength, you will move on and you can have a happy future without him. I too lost weight, didn't sleep, poss had a bit of a breakdown. I would not wish the pain and bewilderment on my worst enemy. But we are ok now - and him, no idea where he is, and don't flipping care. But I wish him luck - he will need it. And yes he kept coming back, saying how he had made a huge mistake - and yours probably will too.

[Tonandfeather]

I completely trust you that there were no signs of anything wrong. That's what I've been trying to get you to see. I don't want you to be beating yourself that you failed to notice something so fundamental as relationship-ending unhappiness. Because I'm as sure as I can be that there was none of that. There wasn't any involved in my friends' relationship either.

My take on this is that this guy married young and fell for the whole soulmate crap hook, line and sinker. Probably believed some bullcrap about if you're with the right person, you can't fancy anyone else and that people who DO fancy someone else are in the wrong relationship. That or the "someone else" is a goddess and only someone as rare and precious could make a decent guy turn this way.

Nice guys are often romantics who believe all this crap.

Stop feeling shame. It's not yours to feel.

Glad you've told all the people you need to.

Is anyone coming with you for support at this mediation?

[Commander6]

If it is depression, that can make peoples' thoughts go wrong.

If he wont go to the doctor, you can still go to his doctor. And they will give you some practical general advice.

[canttypefortears]

He hasnt been sleeping well for weeks. Often complains about work as he feels he has been treading water for years, he works alone so no work colleagues. He has tried changing career on a few occasions but the training has always been to expensive. To be fair this was what he had been saying over a few years but again he never really opened up if it was that bad. We did always say stick to what you know! He has also lost weight over the last few years, through healthy eating. He always had a target in mind. He now tells me its because he thought i found him unattractive! So not true, i love him whatever size but admit he looks great right now.

Classic signs of depression? Or is it guilt? Think its too late. Yes i have been supported by F&F but this is the last thing i want. I wish we could work our way through it together but he wont. Hopeless and helpless!

Thanks everyone, i am listening and i am not in compleye denial, honest but .....

[DCRBye]

If there is another woman then she's inheriting something of very little actual value here. Merely something of sentimental worth to you. That you don't represent the same to him is not your fault.

How brilliant. And true.

[DCRBye]

You are raising a lot of red flags for depression. My Dad was depressed for years and avoided admitting it.

It can lead people to dissatisfaction with life in general and cause them to feel they don't love a spouse. Can even make Mums think they don't love their kids. Irrelevant though if he doesn't see the problem. Men with depression often sign up to internet dating sites after leaving their spouse because they feel like their wife isn't "making them happy" and someone else will do this for them. It can take a long time (or even forever) for the depressive to understand the only thing making them less happy in life is themselves. Depression is also a long slog to treat and if he is blaming you (also not uncommon) it can be almost impossible to prove him wrong.

Advice is to give him some space, hang on to your dignity and let him know you are just fine without him. Get out, have fun and look after yourself

Whether this is mid life crisis, depression, OW or him just falling out of love the above is the right course of action.

[Commander6]

Working alone can be awful for depression. Can make it worse and worse.
And he sounds like he has muddled thoughts.
Seriously, I would keep a bit of an eye on him iykwim.

Personally, I would be very gentle with him, and see what you can coax out of him.

[yep I know I could get flamed for that].

[Commander6]

Agree with most of what DCR writes, except the leaving him alone part. Especially in the short term.

[DCRBye]

Commander6 is right. If he is depressed, he can't answer any questions about his emotions because he is numbed and detached and probably associating it with you.

He will be in a bad place in himself. If you love him and there is any question he is depressed, the best bet is to be very gentle at least for a little while to asses it. He might need your help and it will be very hard for him to see this.

[Ledkr]

Yes dcr I agree.
Whatever it is that's caused him to do this the op needs to be strong and dignified and show him she can do nicely without him.
Being self pitying and begging him to reconsider will be unatractive.

[DCRBye]

Yes, and it's also very scary to a depressed person. The last thing they need to see is you broken and begging as it adds to their guilt and can worsen it.

If there's an OW or it's just a case of him going off you ledkr is bang on the money and they find you less attractive if you show begging. Isn't that sad though?

[AcrossthePond55]

Tears, I'm so sorry you are going through this. But here's my view. It really doesn't matter why he left. He's gone and it appears that there is nothing you can do to change that. It doesn't do you any good to use up your mental strength to figure his reasons. There may be an ow, maybe he just fell out of love. But you are breaking your heart trying to figure something out when the end result will be the same. He will still be gone. You need to use that energy to build yourself a new life. You are not to blame and you deserve to be happy. It will take time, but if you turn your thoughts to your future, you will get there.

Remember that living well is indeed the best revenge. Make him sorry he let you go.

[canttypefortears]

Thanks everyone, im just not ready to give up on him yet. How can it go so