Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

[Caitlyn2014]

Cannty you need to make a decision and stick to it rather than doing what you are doing and that is talking the talk and nothing else.

If you cant stay away then say so and let people help you live with the decision you are making. But pls, this business of saying you wont contact him, then contacting him really has to stop.

[Caitlyn2014]

Sorry. You knew how he is because the hospital told you, you dont need him to keep you in the loop and would he be able to in all honesty if his condition worsens again even temporarily.

You wanted to contact him so you did. Thats it really.

[canttypefortears]

caitlyn you are probably right. Problem is im so worried about his health but i accept i cant do anything to help. At the end of last week i made a decision to stay away for all our sakes and thats what ive done. I have got no intention of making regular contact but do expect him at some point to want to see DC.

Im finding this current situation so difficult as im left hanging again. Not Hs fault but we were supposed to be mediating next week and that simply wont be happening now. Part of me is pleased as i really dont want this in any shape or form but i know divorce is inevitable. H hasnt contributed towards child support for the past 4 weeks and i doubt he will make his part of the mortgage payment this month again this is because of his hospitalisation rather than refusal to pay. So a financial headache too.

My stress levels are imense and ive got no idea how im holding it together. Im better in the day although people can see im not quite right, my weight loss is so dramatic its quite obvious somethings amiss. Im putting on a front all the same but on the inside im still screaming and this sometimes gets the better of me come bedtime.

[MirandaIV]

Sweetie, I don't know if this will make you feel worse or better, but I wanted you to know that I feel a bit better today. I went no contact last week and grieved like hell, but I think it has helped. I played tennis today and that helped too.
I do wonder what illness your husband has? Do you feel able to share? I am medical and can't quite understand the prognosis that you are/aren't being given. How can he be so ill that you don't know if he'll pull through, but still able to talk about things and be vile to you.
They are so horrible aren't they? It's just bizarre how they can turn into selfish angry horrible men. The runaway husband website is very good isn't it? It does seem that they fit a pattern of behaviour.
I think both our husbands are behaving like spoilt children and we need to step away to save our selves. If they do want to come back, we need them to want it very badly so that they will put the work in. So we don't want to beg any more as if they come back under duress, it will never work and we'll be treading in eggshells as in one of the previous posts, just dreading them leaving again.
I am beginning to get a creeping idea in my head that I don't think I could ever trust him again and so he has ruined everything even if he does want to come back.
Take care you poor lamb. What a strain.

[Ledkr]

canty can you contact your mortgage company and tell them he's ill?
Really though he should still be paying the mortgage though, is it not on dd?
Sorry but I've had cancer and lots if subsequent treatment and still paid my bills!

[canttypefortears]

Yes it is DD coming out of a joint account which we both top up. H is bed bound and cant use internet banking from hospital, on top of that he cant see properly. I havent actually reminded him but can see it happening. I will just about be able to cover it this month but i am recording everything. H is self employed and therefore not earning! I dont really want to contact mortgage provider as we have never haf problems paying before.

[Ledkr]

I think that's more reason that they will be lenient and helpful.
Did you find out if you can get any help with mortgage?
I didn't but I've heard you can get help with the Interest.

[springykyrie]

It is bog standard procedure, especially currently (re the 'economic downturn'), for the mortgage provider to give you a payment break in the circs. It won't affect your credit rating at all if they agree to it ie it won't be registered as arrears. You have all the documentation to prove it's because of circumstances.

What a hellish time for you cant. You are in my prayers.

[canttypefortears]

I can cover it this month.

So worried about H. I want him to get better and quick.

Im having a good sob because im so stuck. Ive got no chance of moving on as things stand. I was already sruggling emotionally bfore H was admitted and cant see the wood from the trees.

[Caitlyn2014]

You have to seperate the issues and not just because you have no control whatsoever over your husbands ill health or possible eventualites regarding his health.

You need to be living for you, you need to get up in the morning and live as your husband intended for you to live and that's as a seperated woman and single mother.

My friend, a lady the same age as me left her marriage due to her husbands shenanigans and weeks later he was struck down by some mystery illness. He's still very unwell and dependens on round the clock care to get through the day. They are well off and she has nursing care covered 12 hours a day whilst she does the other 12, it involves a respirator. She thought she would be able to forget his antics for the sake of the greater good but she cant and its getting harder for her to pretend as the months go by. She quite honestly said to me the other day - what did I get back apart from a sick man and a load of wakeful nights full of hurtful memories. Whethet she sticks it out remains to be seen.

[Caitlyn2014]

Im aware there are typos but my phone is playing up and there's nothing I can do about them. My cursor wont go where I want it to go.

[canttypefortears]

When i told him i wouldnt be visiting i honestly thought he was on the mend. I thought he would be out by the end of this week. Unfortunately he hasnt made any more progress. I am concerned he will be in for a long time yet. He will need to see the dc at some point so i will have to be there, waiting for him to make that move.

[Caitlyn2014]

Cannty when people seperate they go through scenarios in their head and balance things out. On balance and after reflection your husband still wanted to be alone so let him be alone.

Yes you're children will need to see him but until then just wait for that day to come. Try not to pre-empt things. Just get on with getting on as a woman who's husband left because he knew what he was doing.

[AcrossthePond55]

There's waiting and then there's waiting, my love. You can 'wait' for him to want to see the DCs and still 'not wait' to move on with YOUR life. One is simply waiting for a phone call, like you'd wait for a plumber. There's no emotion involved (technically) in that. The other is emotionally standing still waiting for him to say he wants YOU. I think you need to be able to separate his feelings for his DCs and his feelings for you, because one does not equal the other, iyswim. When the time comes that he says "I want to see the children", that still means absolutely nothing as far as his wanting to see you, you'd just be the means of transporting them. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, cantty. I can't think of a 'softer' way to put it.

And maybe I'm reading into what you say, but again, your presence or absence at this bedside will neither speed nor delay his recovery. So you should feel no guilt or feel like you 'need' to be there for him. He's made it very clear that he's only had you there as a convenience to him & once he felt strong enough he told you 'buh-bye'. He showed you what you mean to him when he asked you to leave so he could see his mates.

Oh cantty, I just hurt for you. If I could reach in and turn off that switch in your heart that makes you still love him, I surely would!

[canttypefortears]

I dont know if im coming or going. I am currently in a horrible state of limbo and this time no one has caused it. After visiting him last week i realised that even after all this he has no intention of trying to work things out., he never has.

I really feel that i cant begin to move forwards until he is well because everyting is so out of routine. I cant organise regular days for contact etc or another mediation date.

H is in a very confused state and it would be wrong of me to talk to him about any of this. Im waiting for him to ask to see the dc which is fine but i have a gut feeling he is cross with me. I know you all think "so what?" but it really bothers me when ive done nothing to hurt anyone in all of this.

[MissScatterbrain]

You really need to look into getting some counselling for yourself.

[canttypefortears]

Its been offered but i declined. Seeing my gp next week. I know im not in a good place emitionally but i can assure you my kids come first and foremost and are being cared for to the best of my ability.

Time stands still. I cant be sure H will be ok or come out unscathed. Dc havnt seen him for a while but have said very little they seem to be dealing with it all in their own way. I talk to them all the time and ask them how they feel. They are real good kids .

Im scared for H, i pray he will make a full and fast recovery. Whatever he has done he doesnt deserve this. I know my love and care is in vain but i cant help the way i feel. I also know its over because thats what he wants. It hurts. I want to move on as best i can but i cant do anything the way things are. I feel ive done all i can.

[AcrossthePond55]

You can take steps to move on, I think. First, reconsider counseling. It's truly amazing the insight a professional can give you. Second, don't even think about visitation now, that will happen when it happens & you don't need to wait around for him to call. Plan your days, schedule activities for the DCs. They can always be rearranged if he asks to see them. Third, and here I admit I don't know a thing about UK divorces, but must you go to mediation if you have accepted that he is done with the marriage? What would be the point? Shouldn't your next step be to see a solicitor about getting papers drawn up asking for a divorce and for what you need to support the house? Not to say that you have to serve him the papers or initiate action but at least you'd have your ducks in a row for when he recovers and tells you (again) that he wants out of the marriage.

Taking physical actions will help break that limbo you're in, even if your heart is not in them. Right now it's like you're trapped in a room and you're waiting for him to come along & let you out. All the while that door is unlocked and all you have to do is open it yourself and walk out. A little step at a time.

You don't have to stop loving him to take care of yourself and plan your future. You do these things in spite of it.

[canttypefortears]

Oh Across your words seem wise and heartfelt thank you.

Mediation is encouraged in the uk. We will be sat in a room with a trained mediator to try and come up with a fair arrangement for finances, contact and residency. If we can agree it will save  and is the sensible option. The mediator then draws up a document to be taken to a solicitor who will check it and draw up legal documentation and pass it to the court. Botj parties need to agree a date for mediation.

I have sought legal advice and im ready to go when i have to. My head is ready but my heart is not. Ive got all my benefit entitlements coming in to so in many ways ive moved on in a way.

Im struggling to let go emotionally and i know thats clear for all to see. I know he wont come home, i will never understand.

[springykyrie]

I do feel for you and can appreciate that this is a terrible time in limbo. It drags out the torture, rather

Could you speak to his consultant re the potential personality change of his illness? It will be hard to precis what has happened (and you might have to fob off the consultant's dismissiveness - depends entirely on the humanity of the consultant if s/he is prepared to discuss whether the way he's been behaving is atypical for the illness...). I would also seriously reconsider counselling/therapy to help you to get things in order in your head (and therefore heart). A professional in this capacity is well-used to supporting clients facing a lack of control in life, outcomes etc - your situation may be extreme but it could be argued that not one of us is actually in control of our lives when it really comes down to it.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh canty it's just so head fucky isn't it?

I'm going to say something again that I've said on this thread before. Because when I took this on board, it really helped me to move forward

It was my mantra and it's this: IT DOESNT MATTER.

the reasons he's gone. What went wrong. Why he changed. None of it really matters. I know that sounds odd but let me explain.

It doesn't matter because knowing why won't change anything. It doesn't matter because trying to work it out will send you round the twist. It doesn't matter because there is absolutely no chance in hell ever tell you the truth anyway. It doesn't matter because finding out will, in all likelihood only make it worse. It doesn't matter because trying to work it out will only hold you back from moving on.

I still catch myself, over a year later asking those questions. Torturing myself with them almost. And I have to tell myself, sometimes out loud, that knowing will not change a damn thing (he will still be gone. I'll still be heartbroken), that he'll never be man enough to tell me. And that needing to know is stopping my healing.

I know you don't want to move on because that implies you have stopped loving him. Given up. But you do have to move forward. Because staying in this limbo is not helping you or your dc at all

[canttypefortears]

I know i cant change how he feels but ive tried so damn hard!

I cant do anything else at this time, ive done all i can. Ive got to wait for H to get better ( thats if he does, he seems to have given up) before i can take anything further.

Feeling very sad this evening. I was getting my.head ( kind of at least) round it all before H was taken poorly. Want to run away and keep running but i wouldnt and couldnt because of my beautiful DC.

[skyeskyeskye]

It's a very difficult situation for you to be in, but you are right, there is nothing can be done until he's better.

It's awful divorcing when your heart doesn't want to. I cried my eyes out in my first counselling session telling her that I was getting a divorce that I didn't want. She said why do it then? I said because he doesn't love me, he's cheated on me and I'm afraid he will get into debt and I'll lose the house.....

All making sense to the head, but the heart took several months to catch up.

Please do access the counselling, it will really help you to make sense and move on.

In the meantime, look after yourself, don't be used by your H and when he is well enough, proceed with mediation. Just keep on, one day at a time.

[Ledkr]

I agree bitout I could still ask myself questions years later about why my x did those things to his family but he did and I had to do the best I can.

It's hard to stop asking yourself why but oh so powerful when you don't.

[MargotThreadbetter]

I agree that you should reconsider counselling. Is there a reason why you turned it down?
You said that you don't have much RL support and you sound so low. A good counsellor can help you to see the wood for the trees when you feel overwhelmed.
My situation was different to yours (ex emotionally detached due to OW) but I was devistated and angry. My counsellor helped me to detach from him and obsessive thinking about him and her. It's still hard but I made a lot of progress after being 'stuck' for a long while.