Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

[canttypefortears]

DumSpiroSpero

I appreciate your comments and yes ive had legal advice. I know roughly where i stand. I am NOT going to be taken for a ride. But, he has given me no chance to deal with the situation and the gathering pace of legal proceedings. The revelation was only a month ago today!

[Tonandfeather]

Have you done any checking?

[DumSpiroSpero]

I appreciate it's really new and it must be incredibly tough.

It comes across in your posts just how (understandably) shocked you are and I think it's very easy when you've had to ensure such a massive blow to not think of the practicalities (which you obviously have done).

[peggyundercrackers]

From the sounds of it I don't believe he has anyone loose. I have 3 friends who done what your oh done, 2 were woman and 1 a man - neither had anyone else but all said they had went over it time and time again in their head because they knew how much hurt they would cause but all knew they had to end it and did. One wanted a quick divorce because as they said once they have decided it over that it's, there is no going back... Like you their OHs were devastated and neither of them could see it coming and had absolutely no idea.

I'm sorry your going through this though as it can't be easy, it never is. Don't punish yourself over it though, you did nothing to cause this.

[canttypefortears]

Peggyundercrackers

Thats exactly how he had initially explained it all. He bottled it up and unfortunately let rip christmas day. He said he never meant to hurt me.


I couldnt and still cant really understand because we DID have such a great life together. Lovely, lovely well mannered children, beautiful home, holidays and trips away. Home life was chilled and relaxed, we talked but we didnt have dramas so nothing too deep unless it was about other peoples problems.We made each other laugh.

Today he disclosed a few of his feelings and i can understand them but it was workable. Maybe I was blind to all of it, lazy even but if only I had known I would not of let this happen.

He walked away from his family, its not although the kids would have expected anything. They had never seen us argue or barely say a cross word to each other.

He just seemed to get bored of me.

He hugged me when he arrived and before he left today which he hadnt allowed since hed walked. Last visit he wouldnt let me put a hand on his shoulder!I wouldnt let go and held on so tight, I fell to the ground when we finally parted. He even kissed my forehead. So at least I know he feels something, just not what I want. My hope has faded, my feelings have not.

We have not had a chance to talk properly since the day he revealed all as the children have been about. Next time we meet is in mediation.

[Tonandfeather]

Why would it be worse if he'd found someone else and that was what all this was about? Worse than a man who hid that he was deeply unhappy for years and you never noticed?

I find this odd because if he's met someone else then none of that's your fault, whereas you seem to prefer to blame yourself and to think you were living in dreamland for years. Why?

Please, have you done any checking up on him?

[canttypefortears]

I know where he is staying, I know its not comfortable! Ive seen his bank statements and nothings out of the norm.i didnt get a chance to check his phone, ive never snooped before but kind of kicking myself I didnt when I had the chance. He has paperless online bills. He was always home with me or looking after the kids. Saturdays normally with me, but on occasion would pop down the local on foot. Always with me all day sunday. Never had annual leave unless doing something as a family. Etc etc. So ive thought and thought and honestly cant really see how there would be an ow.

At least if there was an ow I would know the reason for marriage breakdown for sure, and he had been purely selfish.

The fact he has apparently kept things to himself has hurt me deeply because I thought we didnt keep secrets from each other. I feel like I must have ?one something to cause it because I cant understand the love just disappearing. If only I had worked harder, yes I am seriously beating myself up! Love blinds you hey?

[canttypefortears]

Its just the thought of him being with someone else. The green eyed monster within. He is my first and only partner and I thought we would grow old together. If hes been intimate with anyone else whilst we still were,it will break me. Im going to struggle all over again when someone else comes along. Not just for me but for the kids too.

[Firekraken]

What on earth could you have done? He deliberately chose to tell you zilch.

He's walked out on his children and treated their mother like some kind of an old used-up baggy jumper. How bloody dare he do that to them.

The least he can do is sit them down, with you, and explain why he has decided to walk.

They need some answers too don't they?

He sounds a sefish pig.

Kissing you on the forehead while you were on you knees? ffs, stop giving him that sense of entitlement.

No matter how much it hurst or goes against the grain, see a solicitor, sort your finances, draw up a divorce petition on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and start acting to regain some ground.

Pretend you are happy he has gone, that your life is filled with new events and people to see and things to do.

if he calls you on the phone always be too busy to speak to him. be breathless and smiling in tone of voice

If he wants to see the children (how old are they?) let him know that this will opnly happen at your at the dc's convenience.

Also urge him to find somewhere to live where he can accommodate the children regularly.

[Tonandfeather]

Can you get online and see his bills? Would you be able to guess the password?

Could it be someone at work? Did he mention someone new there a while ago, or did he start a new project?

I honestly don't think this is true about him being unhappy for years. What seems MUCH more likely is that he was feeling just fine about everything until he met someone new and convinced himself that to feel that strongly, he must have been unhappy without even knowing it.

What was he like with his phone before Xmas Day? Did he take it everywhere and did it have a password lock? Did you used to hear message alerts or was it on silent/switched off when he was at home?

One of my friends who's just gone through this was amazed when she looked back at some of the clues she overlooked. She realised she couldn't remember the last time she'd heard his phone make a sound, but hadn't realised he'd taken to switching it off. Neither had she thought anything unusual about him volunteering for errands or shopping when he was at home. She thought he was being helpful, but turns out he was using that time to contact the other woman.

She found out the truth by the way by getting into his phone bills online.

[canttypefortears]

His phone was on silent.... but then again so is mine. He never left it hanging around unless it was on charge.

[mammadiggingdeep]

I'm really sorry but I think you'll find an ow.

The poster upthread is right- him kidding you on the forehead as you sank to your knees is a piss take. You have to act tough now. Don't let him know you're broken.

[TamerB]

I would have a chat with his mother, she may be able to explain a lot- or have you never been on those sort of terms?

[TamerB]

The fact that he told you on Christmas Day points to another woman. If it is as he says he would have let the day pass, who wants to spoil Christmas Day forever for their children? A few more days wouldn't have made a difference.

[Commander6]

It does bother me when someone on here or in rl says they have barely had a cross word with their partner.

I have come to realise that sometimes one partner is bottling things up. Though I do know a couple like this that are still together after about 40 years and seem happy.

To me, [and again I am not going to guarantee that I am right], he may have 15 years of anger against you, some of it unjustified.
And he may find it very hard to keep seeing the kids[again, not saying that he is right in that regard, but may be an explanation for you].

Can I ask one thing about you? Are you the type of person to brush things under the carpet personally so to speak?

Very sorry btw for all you are going through. It is a huge shock for you. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

[MakeMeJumpIntoTheAir]

Hello OP, so very sorry to hear what you are going through. I also have been in your situation. I totally agree with the posters who are saying another woman is involved. My ex also swore, very convincingly that there was no-one else involved and then I discovered an email from him to her and it all came out. I feel so foolish for not picking up on this sooner. It had been going on for months. They work together.

We are all here for you, and I truly hope you find strength to go and see his mother.

[Onesie]

He is blaming you BUT he is responsible for his own action. If hed really wanted things to work he would gone to couples counselling to try and iron out issues. He has chosen not to do that.

[TinselTownley]

OP I am in a very similar situation and it is the knowledge of his emotional duplicity that hurts me the most. That and the lack of closure or explanation. There's a piece of me that would welcome the confirmation of an OW. It would at least explain the deceit, the silently planning an 'escape' and the complete shut down since. However, I know in my heart it doesn't really matter. His actions and decisions are his and his alone. It sounds as if you have invested so much in your relationship with him that he now views you as responsible for his happiness. Mine was the same. Ergo - he feels down - my fault. He under performs professionally - my fault. You, like me, have probably become subtly conditioned to this which is why you're still blaming yourself. It is his disordered way of being that's the problem here, not you. The dynamic whereby you're the only one taking responsibility while he is the 'perfect' passive husband is not real or workable. He is pathetic, inadequate and would rather make you responsible than face up to his own passive aggressive emotional retardation. If another woman is foolish enough to get sucked in, so be it. You are not dependent on him. You are strong - strong enough to have been the sole person investing in the marriage for a long time. You don't need a silly little boy who can't man up, you need the life you deserve and that's a happy, balanced emotionally free one. It will get better (my current mantra). Much better. Take care of yourself - you 'owe' him nothing and he has no right to subtly punish you for his own shortcomings and inability to take responsibility for his own happiness, let alone his children's.

[SecretWitch]

Honey, your husband sounds like manipulative jerk. I do not believe he is being honest with you. I think he is playing with your emotions. He is leaving you to deal with the children, who are trying to cope with breakdown of their parent's marriage.

Time to focus on you and your children. What support systems do you have around you? Please allow yourself to ask for and accept help from trusted friends and relatives. Have you looked into legal guidance? How are you managing your finances? I know you are still reeling from the utter shock of his actions but you must start forming a plan for your future.

My heart goes out to you. You seem like a lovely woman. You did nothing wrong. I am sending my best wishes for strength and peace to you..

[anothernumberone]

Can I ask would any of you ever consider leaving him at home with the kids for a short time and taking time out yourself in this circumstance? I think I would need to do that given this situation to remind him that this was not just about me, the children are not something you can just walk away from. Obviously this is about getting some breathing space and obviously as a mum I would still need to spend time with the children daily but I can never understand how someone gets to walk away like that and not face up to the fall out from their decision. I might be out of line suggesting that I hope I don't offend you OP by suggesting taking time away from your children in the short term to straighten out your thoughts.

[TinselTownley]

I totally get what you're saying,Another but I would urge caution with this strategy. In my experience of emotionally inept rat bags, he'll be spreading his little sob story far and wide and thriving on the sympathy and 'advice' it reaps for his pathetic little ego. If he can say, "she can't even cope with the children and I had to step in despite the pressure it put on me boo-hoo", he will. Then some clueless do-gooder of a head-patter will start giving him ideas about how to direct residency and contact. Seriously - I've seen this happen. Makes me livid.

[Ledkr]

Hi op, I like many was in a similar situation a few years ago and can stil remember the utter despair that you feel.

Firstly please get legal advice, he may want a new life but your children deserve not to have their lives disrupted so don't get bullied out of your home because it suits him.

So now it's been a few weeks and it's time to try and restart your life.

The first step is to accept it is over and he isn't coming back, that is painful but will help you move forward.

Next get as many friends and family onboard because company is the. Way forward.

Apart from mediation you need to have no contact with him for a while, let a friend hand over the children and do not speak to him or text him in between.

You will never hear what you want to hear at the moment and it will out you back everytime you speak to or see him.
(I did this it really helped)

This will all help you to regain your dignity too, all this collapsing on the floor really must stop, (I'm kind of joking but it must)

Next start to see to yourself, try to eat small amounts' sleep if you can (herbal Nytol) and wash dress and put on your face etc, that really helps too.

Try to start to view your future as positive rather than negative.
I found seeing myself as the dumped middle aged woman who was going to be a single parent was draining and depressing.

Once I'd started to imagine myself as a feisty survivor and a fabulous woman who was sticking with my kids and not buggering off like he had done I felt great.

I viewed our future as exciting, I could do anything, meet someone amazing,have fun with my kids, nights out with friends, new experiences.

One thing that may help if you can afford it is to take the children away.

I had a week in Spain and it did me the world of good, arranging it all myself, getting to the airport etc all things I'd shared before, somehow it illustrated that I could cope without him and having time with the children on a sunny beach was very healing and showed them we were still going to be ok.

You are going to be fine my love, not easy but very very definitely fine.

As my friend once said to me "of course you can cope, he's only a man"

Good luck.

[Dinnaeknowshitfromclay]

Just the way he dealt the blow on Christmas day and with the DCs nearby would have me reaching for a spiked object! How fucking dare he think that is an acceptable way to behave? No matter whether he has OW, developed an unquenchable desire to start collecting tartan teapots or is just plain old having a midlife crisis, the not treating you with respect enough to get Christmas out of the way for a few days at least, getting the DCs out the way for a few hours at least and then sitting you down with a nice strong cupp and saying, 'I need to tell you something and we need to adult about this but....'. effing unbelievable!
Don't listen to his demands about selling the house or anything. Get good advice and follow that advice. I agree with other posters, do this at as leisurely a pace as you wish. I would let him no in no uncertain terms that I have more consideration for stuff I step in on a pavement than him! What a bastard!

[Ledkr]

Yes I agree, what an absolute bastard, we all put even simple things off until "after Christmas" only a very cruel person would destroy someone's Christmas like that. Very very weird.
I remember a poster who's dh had left her when gp, he then sent her pictures of his new young flat bellied gf naked what goes through people's minds is beyond me? If I had to leave someone I would make it as painless for them as possible.

[Ledkr]

PG NOT GP