Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

[canttypefortears]

I have thought long and hard about the possibility of an ow. But.... Niave or not he cant have spent much time with her if thats the case. It also goes against all his morals as this is what happened to his mother a few times when he was younger. I have asked, initialy i got the answer 'god no!', then when i said at a later date he said 'ive already said no, stop bringing crap inti it'. I know what you are all thinking. He has split our beautiful family up. My little boy hasnt slept in his own bed for 3 weeks. Heartbroken.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I had exactly the same conversation with my husband. He was so offended that I would even ask if there was anyone else involved. It had happened to his mother. It went against his morals. He swore there was no way he'd ever do the same to his family. I also couldn't work out where he'd find the time but there was another woman. Most of us think our husbands aren't capable of this behaviour and that's why it's so deeply hurtful when they prove otherwise. I hope in your case there is no other woman but I agree with the other posters. Sounds very suspicious. Hope you're OK this morning. It does get better x

[canttypefortears]

I have spent the last 4 weeks in a sobbing mess. Anxious and panicky. Im normally happy and bubbly. Ive had some angry moments too, nothing more than telling dh he is cowardly for not saying anything earlier. Hes made demands on when he sees the kids, ive not agreed, although havent stopped him seeing them, of course they are the most important ones. These comments riled him and he thinks what ive done outweighs what hes done ( ie bring the kids into it). He walked out on us, not the other way round! I realise he feels guilt and is trying to justify his actions by blaming me. However, when he demanded we sell the house something kicked in. Hes not going to get it that easy! Dont get me wrong, my feelings are all over the place and as the title suggests i am afraid and i am alone. I will still cry, and i find the school run so hard, im literally hiding behind my coat hood because i cant face the shame. I do still love him and im grieving the loss of the love of my life, preparing to be kicked in the teeth with the news of ow. Any advice how i can get him, if true to own up? Or is that a stupid question!

[canttypefortears]

Sorry to hear that onmyown. I wouldnt wish the pain of all this on my worst enemy. Ive thought long and hard about when he could spend time with someone else. He certainly was never away overnight. He went out with his mates and got in early hours but that was only a handful of times, he came in happy drunk as if he had definitely been out with the boys. In the 2 weeks after he told me and was still at home he was by my side most of the time. But, he did disappear to his mothers to talk and was gone hours. He came home sober, and just said he had needed to talk to someone.

[Joysmum]

I thought there'd be a chorus of 'he's found someone else'. I don't automatically think that though. There was a couple I was close to and she realised she didn't love him, she know he was head over heels in love with her though. She wanted to make it crystal clear that she was breaking up with him and decided to do something dreadful so that he would hate her and no longer love her. It hurt him dreadfully but he never forgave her for what she did (it wasn't adultery) and they both got the clean break she felt she owed both of them.

It wasn't conventional, it was nasty unless you knew why she did it.

If your husband doesn't love you, it's a horrible thing to come to terms with, especially if all this is very new to you but something he's realised for far longer.

Even if he doesn't love you, he should be made to realise that you need at least as much time as he's had to get used to the idea that the marriage is over. You have every right not to be rushed into anything but you should also try to be practical and get legal advice. Do it for the sake of your children if not for you. They need as much stability and security and you both can give them and so if it's possible for them to remain in the family home, this would be worth considering, at least for now.

[Onmyownwith4kids]

I really feel for you. It takes over your whole life. It's so horrible when the person you love and rely on does something like this. Your husband is being so cruel. It's hard when the best friend, the person you loved and relied on shows a side you never knew was there. You're still that lovely bubbly person and a great mum to your kids. Don't forget that. Stay strong, focus on yourself. Of course you love him but don't let what he's done stop you loving yourself x

[Onmyownwith4kids]

Ps I know what you mean about the School run. I felt the same. It all seemed like lovely happy families but you'll be surprised how lovely those other parents will be if you let them. You've done nothing to be ashamed of

[Quitelikely]

Poor woman. Nobody knows if there's another woman and tbh if I was you I would get counselling ASAP so you can off load your feelings. Or at least see the gp who might suggest a short course of ADs.

Another thing is I would definitely make sure he sees the children as much as possible on a weekend so that if he does have another woman she will have to understand he has kids to look after in his free time.

[Badvoc]

Agree with AF.
There is someone else.
I'm so sorry op.

[whatdoesittake48]

Does it matter if there is someone else? it is time to stop thinking about him and what he has or hasn't done. it is time to think about yourself and your children.

That means getting to a solicitor, understanding your rights in regard s to the house and arranging how you are going to live for the future.

Doing this will give you focus and allow you to put him behind you - as he is being so successful at doing to you.

As hard as it is, you need to get angry. Stop calling and start getting tough. Contact him only when necessary and get the ball moving on your future.

[Leavenheath]

There's a chorus for a reason.

A lot of us have been on MN a long time and even if this hasn't happened to us personally, many of us know women who've been left very suddenly after hearing the same tired old script as we've been seeing on these threads for years.

And there is always someone else involved.

Posters don't write that to be cruel, but to give a bewildered OP help in trying to make sense of the situation she finds herself in.

It's such a shame that until posters come on to MN, if they've never heard about someone experiencing a sudden and shocking abandonment in real-life, they believe all the old tropes about how to spot an affair e.g new clothes, unexplained absences at night-time etc.

Whereas from what I see and read, many affairs happen in plain sight with people known to the family, are conducted when people are meant to be at work/out with friends/seeing relatives and technology plays a big part in the whole enterprise.

I don't think you'll ever get him to own up OP, but if he stays away I'd prepare yourself for him unveiling a new woman in a short while whom he'll claim to have miraculously 'just met'.

I would bet that someone in the playground has had this happen to her OP and there is no need to be ashamed because you've done nothing wrong. No woman who heard that another's husband dropped a bombshell like that on Christmas Day would feel anything other than complete sympathy for you. When my kids were small in fact we all used to rally round to help women this had happened to. It really is very common and it's shameful on the men who bolt, not the families they bolt from.

The other thing is do get yourself a solicitor. This will give you more information and it's that you lack most at the moment; information. If he's talking about selling the house, you bloody need representation and fast.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Try to focus on you and the dc. Take yourselves off out tomorrow- wrap up and go to the park, seaside, zoo. Give your dc a lovely happy day, in turn it will make you feel better.

See a solicitor, talk to very good friends, keep posting on here and look after yourself- eat little and often.

I'm sorry to say it too- I think there probably is somebody else. Not that that is the main thing here- he's treated you terribly. Try to put set times in place for access visits. He can't go no contact then call whenever he wants the kids.

[YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE]

sorry to hear your situation.
it sounds like there is someone else.
no one just announces out of the blue they don't love you
I have read alot of threads like this and I think you may have more to discover but people will be here waiting to listen.

[HoneyandRum]

OP is there anyone in RL you can talk too? Do you have any close friends?

[FolkGirl]

OP I wouldn't be one of the "other woman" posters if I hadn't had the exact same conversation with my exH. He vehemently denied an affair; was offended and hurt by the suggestion. After all, he'd seen what my dad's affair did to me and my family; he didn't want the same for his children, blah blah.

And then I discovered he'd joined no strings sex website and was having an affair with a woman from work. There might not be a lot of over nights, but there can certainly be lots of lunches, and evenings out with friends, or a days annual leave taken here and there... People having affairs accept it generally isn't going to look like a proper relationship because it isn't a proper relationship.

And the OW puts puts up with a lot of shit excuses because she accepts that he loves her and is just biding his time.

But, as someone else said, it might not be an OW, but he's still checked out of the marriage without a backward glance. and

[canttypefortears]

I was going to check his mobile but never got the opportunity. Im looking back at everything to try and work out anything! I think im goung to ask him again tomorrow, tho whether i get the truth who knows, but will tug on some heart strings....

[Alchemist]

I am so sorry you are having to face this. I know it is so painful, confusing and just foul. I am about 3 months down the line, have had some very grim weeks/days but am a bit more level now. Use your thread to offload, mine has been a lifeline to me.

Started divorce proceedings this week. It felt sad but right.

[Bogeyface]

I find that "Have you been having an affair?" followed by a derisory laugh and "Look, dont take me for a fool. I know whats been going on, so unless you are prepared to be honest with me, I see no point in discussing the future, the divorce or the house. Come back when you are ready to tell the truth"

Works more often than not! And when he does admit to "something" it wont be everything, which is when "Yes, I know. But that isnt everything is it?" comes in to play.

[Alchemist]

I don't know OldBag but my solicitor advised me to go for unreasonable behaviour as I have no solid proof of affair and he will not admit it.

[Bogeyface]

For example, would the OPs husband be worse off financially or be treated less sympathetically if he's to blame for the marriage break up rather than a mutual agreement to separate?

Yes and No.

No in that him committing adultery doesnt mean he will be punished and OP rewarded by her getting a bigger settlement. Its all done on the numbers, no blame is involved. However a lot of people do think that that is the case, it often is in the US for example, but not here.

Yes in that if he is living with an OW he will share outgoings with her so he has a higher income to be assessed for maintenance, spousal maintenance where appropriate, division of assets etc. That often means that the OP would get a bigger share of the assets than him, in order to leave them both in roughly the same financial situation.

But as I said, he may think that by admitting it he will get taken to the cleaners, which is why he doesnt want to, well that and the fact that he doesnt want everyone to know he is a lying cheating shit. IF he is.

[Leavenheath]

If he hasn't told you already, it's unlikely he will now OP.

Does he get billed for his phone? If so, do they come to the house or are they online?

[TinselTownley]

I'm so sorry OP. Just a week in for me and I'm doing ok. However, mine was always a bully, emotionally abusive and utterly incapable of taking responsibility.

I got the 'I don't love you anymore' spiel too. Two days after suicide threats and 'thanks for looking after me, you're my world.'

It doesn't really matter if there's another woman or not. Hurtful and devastating though it is to have your hopes and dreams torn apart, it has to be better than living a lie each and every day. He isn't saying the love has changed, he isn't even trying to make you change to save the relationship. He has ended it in the way he thinks you are most likely to appreciate it's terminal.

If there is another woman then she's inheriting something of very little actual value here. Merely something of sentimental worth to you. That you don't represent the same to him is not your fault.

It is good he is willing to mediate. Mine has refused and has told me that, if I instruct a solicitor, I will be 'declaring war'. Do I think that's because he has someone else? Yes. Does that bother me that much. No. Do I pity anyone daft enough to take him on? Completely.

It is ok to grieve for what you thought you were getting and the life you envisaged. It is not worth falling apart over someone cowardly who cares so little.

Look after yourself and your children. You are worth more.

[thatlldonicely]

Hi OP - i too am in the same position as you - DH told me 2 days before xmas he no longer loves me & been feeling this way for some time - he wouldn't leave - i have spent the last month all over the place with the support of ADs & sleeping tablets but finally made him go last night - i was getting frustrated by his lack of action & also feeling as though i could no longer trust him - it came out that he has been talking to various divorced colleagues so really i think he was biding his time until he felt "sorted" enough to leave. I too dont know if there is an OW involved - i have asked him lots of times and told him i will not be amicable if i find out he is lying - but he too denies it - his dad also had an affair & he was his mums support through this - but i still dont know if i believe him. He too is not the man i thought he was - married 20 years this year - DT (13) through long & drawn out IVF - nice home & lifestyle -his mum died back in july last year - i thought we were just coasting through this and getting ready to spend time together again now kids were older - I am so angry with him - i think this is final - and i still love him too. please pm me - i could really do with some support - i cant believe how many men do this - what is wrong with them - there should be a club for women to turn up to for tea & chat - i could so do with something like this - have very little RL support - dont work - & i just really need a hug