Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

[Caitlyn2014]

How are you?

[Caitlyn2014]

Hello there, how are you. Xx

[MargotThreadbetter]

Is there a new thread or has OP not returned yet?

How are you doing cantty?

[SuffragetteCity]

Just want you to know that I'm reading and hoping for all the best for you.

This is one of the most terrible situations imaginable that you're going through, the limbo must be torture. Hugs to you. I agree with pp that counselling might alleviate some of the stress you're feeling. I have always found counselling very helpful even though the idea of it isn't so appealing. Once I'm there, I find it's a great release.

I hope you will start another thread, I'm thinking positive thoughts for you.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I have had to put up with comments from mil about how badly he has been treated in all of this etc. H just cant seem to open his mouth and say anything that doesnt hurt me.

I saw this from Tuesday, this health episode has been wretched for you on top of everything else. Very glad to hear you shall see your own GP next week.

How brave you've been. Shall look out for your new thread.

[AcrossthePond55]

Yes, please cantty, do start a new thread as Bit says.

How about a more uplifting title like 'Cantty steps forward' or some such. Because you aren't alone anymore, we are here for you. I think you aren't afraid anymore, either, at least not all the time. And even if you do still cry at times, you are beginning to be able to smile as well, even through the tears.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Also Canty you need to start a new thread and link to it here so we can keep trying to support you

[BitOutOfPractice]

And have a little squeeze from me. You do sound low x

[BitOutOfPractice]

No Canty, you can't change what he's done. And you can't make him change his mind by sheer force of your wishing and loving him. He's told you outright, time and again that he's not coming back. Try and listen to what he says. Not try and read between the lines for what you hope he's saying.

Moving forward is not giving up or a sign of weakness. Or that you didn't love him enough. It's a sign of strength.

Trust me I know it's hard. I've been where you have. For 5 months. It nearly killed me. Only when I let myself accept that he was not coming back (no matter how thin / sexy / available / loving I made myself) that I could start to get better. It made me hit a new rock bottom when I realised that.and stopped clinging to scraps of hope. But the only way was up afterwards.

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh, I understand now. They do have mediation here like that, but it's voluntary IF both parties want it, otherwise, lawyers draw up papers & you go to court for the judge to settle it.

You keep saying you can't do anything further. You can. You can arrange an outing with your DCs without regards to 'what if he calls to see them'. You can arrange to see a counselor to begin your recovery.

You know, during my bad breakup, it was a big step for me to see a counselor. Why? Because I was deathly afraid of giving up the love I felt for him. Afraid of having nothing to take its place. And I didn't have DCs to fill that potential empty spot. It was terrifying. But you know what? I found that there isn't an 'empty spot'. I found the love I have for myself.

[MargotThreadbetter]

I agree that you should reconsider counselling. Is there a reason why you turned it down?
You said that you don't have much RL support and you sound so low. A good counsellor can help you to see the wood for the trees when you feel overwhelmed.
My situation was different to yours (ex emotionally detached due to OW) but I was devistated and angry. My counsellor helped me to detach from him and obsessive thinking about him and her. It's still hard but I made a lot of progress after being 'stuck' for a long while.

[Ledkr]

I agree bitout I could still ask myself questions years later about why my x did those things to his family but he did and I had to do the best I can.

It's hard to stop asking yourself why but oh so powerful when you don't.

[skyeskyeskye]

It's a very difficult situation for you to be in, but you are right, there is nothing can be done until he's better.

It's awful divorcing when your heart doesn't want to. I cried my eyes out in my first counselling session telling her that I was getting a divorce that I didn't want. She said why do it then? I said because he doesn't love me, he's cheated on me and I'm afraid he will get into debt and I'll lose the house.....

All making sense to the head, but the heart took several months to catch up.

Please do access the counselling, it will really help you to make sense and move on.

In the meantime, look after yourself, don't be used by your H and when he is well enough, proceed with mediation. Just keep on, one day at a time.

[canttypefortears]

I know i cant change how he feels but ive tried so damn hard!

I cant do anything else at this time, ive done all i can. Ive got to wait for H to get better ( thats if he does, he seems to have given up) before i can take anything further.

Feeling very sad this evening. I was getting my.head ( kind of at least) round it all before H was taken poorly. Want to run away and keep running but i wouldnt and couldnt because of my beautiful DC.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Oh canty it's just so head fucky isn't it?

I'm going to say something again that I've said on this thread before. Because when I took this on board, it really helped me to move forward

It was my mantra and it's this: IT DOESNT MATTER.

the reasons he's gone. What went wrong. Why he changed. None of it really matters. I know that sounds odd but let me explain.

It doesn't matter because knowing why won't change anything. It doesn't matter because trying to work it out will send you round the twist. It doesn't matter because there is absolutely no chance in hell ever tell you the truth anyway. It doesn't matter because finding out will, in all likelihood only make it worse. It doesn't matter because trying to work it out will only hold you back from moving on.

I still catch myself, over a year later asking those questions. Torturing myself with them almost. And I have to tell myself, sometimes out loud, that knowing will not change a damn thing (he will still be gone. I'll still be heartbroken), that he'll never be man enough to tell me. And that needing to know is stopping my healing.

I know you don't want to move on because that implies you have stopped loving him. Given up. But you do have to move forward. Because staying in this limbo is not helping you or your dc at all

[springykyrie]

I do feel for you and can appreciate that this is a terrible time in limbo. It drags out the torture, rather

Could you speak to his consultant re the potential personality change of his illness? It will be hard to precis what has happened (and you might have to fob off the consultant's dismissiveness - depends entirely on the humanity of the consultant if s/he is prepared to discuss whether the way he's been behaving is atypical for the illness...). I would also seriously reconsider counselling/therapy to help you to get things in order in your head (and therefore heart). A professional in this capacity is well-used to supporting clients facing a lack of control in life, outcomes etc - your situation may be extreme but it could be argued that not one of us is actually in control of our lives when it really comes down to it.

[canttypefortears]

Oh Across your words seem wise and heartfelt thank you.

Mediation is encouraged in the uk. We will be sat in a room with a trained mediator to try and come up with a fair arrangement for finances, contact and residency. If we can agree it will save  and is the sensible option. The mediator then draws up a document to be taken to a solicitor who will check it and draw up legal documentation and pass it to the court. Botj parties need to agree a date for mediation.

I have sought legal advice and im ready to go when i have to. My head is ready but my heart is not. Ive got all my benefit entitlements coming in to so in many ways ive moved on in a way.

Im struggling to let go emotionally and i know thats clear for all to see. I know he wont come home, i will never understand.

[AcrossthePond55]

You can take steps to move on, I think. First, reconsider counseling. It's truly amazing the insight a professional can give you. Second, don't even think about visitation now, that will happen when it happens & you don't need to wait around for him to call. Plan your days, schedule activities for the DCs. They can always be rearranged if he asks to see them. Third, and here I admit I don't know a thing about UK divorces, but must you go to mediation if you have accepted that he is done with the marriage? What would be the point? Shouldn't your next step be to see a solicitor about getting papers drawn up asking for a divorce and for what you need to support the house? Not to say that you have to serve him the papers or initiate action but at least you'd have your ducks in a row for when he recovers and tells you (again) that he wants out of the marriage.

Taking physical actions will help break that limbo you're in, even if your heart is not in them. Right now it's like you're trapped in a room and you're waiting for him to come along & let you out. All the while that door is unlocked and all you have to do is open it yourself and walk out. A little step at a time.

You don't have to stop loving him to take care of yourself and plan your future. You do these things in spite of it.

[canttypefortears]

Its been offered but i declined. Seeing my gp next week. I know im not in a good place emitionally but i can assure you my kids come first and foremost and are being cared for to the best of my ability.

Time stands still. I cant be sure H will be ok or come out unscathed. Dc havnt seen him for a while but have said very little they seem to be dealing with it all in their own way. I talk to them all the time and ask them how they feel. They are real good kids .

Im scared for H, i pray he will make a full and fast recovery. Whatever he has done he doesnt deserve this. I know my love and care is in vain but i cant help the way i feel. I also know its over because thats what he wants. It hurts. I want to move on as best i can but i cant do anything the way things are. I feel ive done all i can.

[MissScatterbrain]

You really need to look into getting some counselling for yourself.

[canttypefortears]

I dont know if im coming or going. I am currently in a horrible state of limbo and this time no one has caused it. After visiting him last week i realised that even after all this he has no intention of trying to work things out., he never has.

I really feel that i cant begin to move forwards until he is well because everyting is so out of routine. I cant organise regular days for contact etc or another mediation date.

H is in a very confused state and it would be wrong of me to talk to him about any of this. Im waiting for him to ask to see the dc which is fine but i have a gut feeling he is cross with me. I know you all think "so what?" but it really bothers me when ive done nothing to hurt anyone in all of this.

[AcrossthePond55]

There's waiting and then there's waiting, my love. You can 'wait' for him to want to see the DCs and still 'not wait' to move on with YOUR life. One is simply waiting for a phone call, like you'd wait for a plumber. There's no emotion involved (technically) in that. The other is emotionally standing still waiting for him to say he wants YOU. I think you need to be able to separate his feelings for his DCs and his feelings for you, because one does not equal the other, iyswim. When the time comes that he says "I want to see the children", that still means absolutely nothing as far as his wanting to see you, you'd just be the means of transporting them. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, cantty. I can't think of a 'softer' way to put it.

And maybe I'm reading into what you say, but again, your presence or absence at this bedside will neither speed nor delay his recovery. So you should feel no guilt or feel like you 'need' to be there for him. He's made it very clear that he's only had you there as a convenience to him & once he felt strong enough he told you 'buh-bye'. He showed you what you mean to him when he asked you to leave so he could see his mates.

Oh cantty, I just hurt for you. If I could reach in and turn off that switch in your heart that makes you still love him, I surely would!

[Caitlyn2014]

Cannty when people seperate they go through scenarios in their head and balance things out. On balance and after reflection your husband still wanted to be alone so let him be alone.

Yes you're children will need to see him but until then just wait for that day to come. Try not to pre-empt things. Just get on with getting on as a woman who's husband left because he knew what he was doing.

[canttypefortears]

When i told him i wouldnt be visiting i honestly thought he was on the mend. I thought he would be out by the end of this week. Unfortunately he hasnt made any more progress. I am concerned he will be in for a long time yet. He will need to see the dc at some point so i will have to be there, waiting for him to make that move.

[Caitlyn2014]

Im aware there are typos but my phone is playing up and there's nothing I can do about them. My cursor wont go where I want it to go.