Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

[Ledkr]

That's ok op, you do what you need to do, I was a bit like that at first and it kind of helped me to eventually let go, no regrets

[canttypefortears]

Thanks everyone, im just not ready to give up on him yet. How can it go so bad so quickly? But, i know, i know ive lost him already. And I do know your all mostly right. Never ever have i felt like this. And yes i am angry he could walk away from his kids too, leave me to do all the work, leave me lost and lonely and afraid because he can only think of himself and not speak up!

[canttypefortears]

Thanks everyone, im just not ready to give up on him yet. How can it go so bad so quickly? But, i know, i know ive lost him already. And I do know your all mostly right. Never ever have i felt like this. And yes i am angry he could walk away from his kids too, leave me to do all the work, leave me lost and lonely and afraid because he can only think of himself and not speak up!

[canttypefortears]

Oops sorry, sent that a few times!

[Tonandfeather]

So the only real sign of depression was poor sleep then? His weight loss was through healthy eating, you didn't think he was depressed before Xmas and furthermore, he's not claiming to be depressed?

[canttypefortears]

Tonand feather

No he isnt. He says he can see more clearly now hes left. He says he can see the pain and hurt he has caused me. He says he cant come home. I dont know what cant means! Of course he can, we love him. I feel he has said something which he cant take back but doesnt mean entirely. But i also know, he may possibly have an ow.

His own father walked out on him, his mother was cheated on- he says he would never do that to his own family?!

Cant believe he is throwing away such a good life for whatever reason!

Sorry im going over the same ground over and over again. X

[DCRBye]

It's perfectly normal to go over the same ground over and over. Just spill it out. It will let help you to feel better. I know sometimes you feel like your brain is going to explode!

[Commander6]

You rant away. You are perfectly entitled.

His ego or pride or whatever may be why he thinks he cannot come home.
But probably he does need some time away.
But not too much more time alone. That doesnt help anyone in my opinion, and certainly not him.

[Tonandfeather]

I think the depression angle is a dead end.

Sadly, I've known many men with cheating fathers to do the same.

I don't think he'll see this as 'ordinary cheating' though.

More the great love story of the century because only something like that could have turned his head.

I've seen this happen a LOT. Don't know if it's of any comfort to you, but as soon as the romantic heroine is seen doing normal things like farting and telling him to put the trash out, off come the blinkers and the great romance is not quite so rare after all.

[canttypefortears]

Im going to see how tomorrow goes. I will keep you updated. Thanks for your help and support. I think my brains going to burst if i keep looking for things. Im just going to continue to slowly coax things out of him. I know he loves his kids but im also surprised he can live apart from them! Thanks all x

[Tonandfeather]

Could you just answer one question for me?

Could you get into his online cell phone bills before mediation tomorrow?

Because that WOULD knock the wind out of his sails if you finally had evidence.

[canttypefortears]

Ive tried, no luck!

[DCRBye]

If you were ready to let go of such a long relationship with someone you really love so quickly with seemingly no reason you would be a very cold person. Don't expect yourself to let go just because he says it's over out of the blue. The heart doesn't work this way.

A lot of people will tell you to stop trying to work out "why", but anyone who has been shocked and hurt like this knows that this isn't going to happen. You can't help but torture yourself. Reality is, the reason will become apparent if you give it a few weeks.

I know that feels like forever, and posting here will help you. keep posting every day if you need support. I have read some great threads on here where people have had their hand help by some amazing people here who give great advice.

Truth from my point of view is that letting go is much harder when you don't know why. You don't know what you're really dealing with.

I would not give up yet either, so don't feel weak. This is just because you love, and loving is not wrong. There will be a time in all of this where it is either fixed and sorted between you, or where you reach your emotional limit and need to give up.

He has given up by the looks of things (we don't know if it's permanent but presume it is for arguments sake) because he has been thinking / feeling this way for a while. Whether you realise it or not, him doing this will change the way you feel about him and your marriage. Every little hurt and let down along the way will do the same and slowly you will naturally emotionally detach from him also.

Someone told me once that no force on earth could stop people being together if they are meant to be together. I know that's a bit corny, but I do believe it. Remembering this might take the pressure of you to feel you need to fix this. If it is meant to be, he will come back. If it is not meant to be, you will end up eventually happier. It doesn't seem possible, but you will.

[DCRBye]

hand HELD!

[canttypefortears]

Thanks DCR such kind words.

Laying in bed, my not quite so little boy beside me as he cant sleep alone anymore. He said hes crying inside! Poor boy. His daddy hasnt thought of this i doubt, but his daddy was that unhappy little chappy once upon a time!

I think your comments are spot on. I love my dh to the moon and back and from the heart i will give him eveything.

Im not sure he realises the damage hes caused just yet. The reality that we cant get 2 homes etc or that we will both be on the bread line. No more beautiful house, holidays, trips out, family days. No more of what hes accustomed to (unless he has planned it all out with an ow).

He has a home and a family. We all love him, he can come back. I do know he means its over but i have a feeling that one day he will be on the outside of the window looking in. It will probably be too late.

As you have all gathered i am heartbroken, grieving and dont want any of this. Tomorrows going to be so hard, the first part of it becoming final and it all began less than 5 weeks ago.

No rewards for being a good girl and giving my entire life to my first love. X

[Tonandfeather]

Re. the cell phone bills, you could maybe try something I read about when I was helping my friend.

You could ask him for the password at a time when you'd be able to log straight in.

If he had nothing to hide and was keen for you to believe there's no-one else, he'd give it up wouldn't he?

I think mediation is too soon and you're being rushed. Don't forget you can say tomorrow you're not ready for this yet.

[canttypefortears]

Im not ready, he is. He wants to free up cash so he can rent somewhere more than 20miles away! Im not having that threat made against me. He ended it, he chose it, he walked away from us. At this moment in time he is thinking of number 1. I am fighting for my kids best interests. Unfortunately fairness being the one wronged wont come into it. I knew next to nothing about divorce and the law a month ago. I know my responsibility in all this he seems to understand his rights!

I really wish i could see his mobile statements but i just cant . Damn paperless billing, then i would have seen them!

This is all torture.

[BuntyPenfold]

I'm so sorry OP. I was in your position 20 years ago.
I too was in shock for ages, the children were devastated and stopped sleeping too, the finances were a nightmare to sort.
Ex lied and lied and lied.
It will take time, but you will recover, I promise you.
And one day you will know the truth.
And some time, you will find you don't need him and don't want him and wouldn't have him back if he came begging.
I know you can't believe that now.
That's because you are grieving, quite understandably, and grieving for your distressed children too.
Give yourself time, and look after yourself, your children need you so much.
You will be happy again, you really will.

[Tonandfeather]

How do you feel about asking him for the log-in details?

[Bogeyface]

He cant make you do anything, never forget that.

Go to mediation and tell them that you are not ready, that you feel rushed and pressured. That while he has been planning this, you had no idea and you need to get your head on straight. Then say that you will continue with mediation (looks good if it goes to court) but that you want 6 months to get straight, he will kick off so agree to 4, dont go less than 3.

[canttypefortears]

Hes changed so much, i really dont think he would give them to me. I think in his head we are seperated therefore he owes me nowt! He hasnt actually said this but ive never snooped before..

Ive on the other hand always left my mobile hanging around with no security password. Ive also stated it wouldnt bother me particularly if anyone ever got hold of it as ive nothing incrimanating on there so nothing to hide! This isnt obviously everyones attitude to their belongings. If my DH ever wanted say small change for a pay & display machine and asked if i had any id tell him to go through my purse, he never liked to as it was my property, he always handed me the purse. He just respects peoples possessions.

It would be great to know once and for all instead of the if, buts, maybes! Argh

[Tonandfeather]

I'd ask and if he says no, I'd tell him that in that case you conclude he's told you a pack of lies and that he's got something to hide.

Ar you saying he had a security password on his phone? That he wouldn't give you?

How long has that been the situation?

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Gut feeling there is another woman - whether he has started another relationship or just wants to. Im not sure what proving the reason for his leaving will achieve except to make you feel worse.

It is horrible but it will get better - good luck for mediation dont let him brow beat you into accepting less that you need - he chose to leave and has a responsibility to ensure his children have a home. I would ensure he is totally aware how his actions have devastated his children - poor little boy "crying inside"

A very selfish man whatever the underlying reasons for it.

[BlueSkySunnyDay]

Oh and as for "He wants to free up cash so he can rent somewhere more than 20miles away" tough shit do it in your time - personally id say "until a few weeks ago I thought I had a happy marriage - I am afraid you are going to have to wait until I have had time to process the changes you have forced upon our lives"

If he is living with his "mother" then he has a roof over his head - he cannot brow beat you into making snap financial decisions.

[Tonandfeather]

My friends all felt better for knowing there was another woman. It meant they got their memories back which their husbands were trying to rehash them into something very different. In one friend's case, she was advised by her lawyer that it would be better to know in case she was threatened with reduced alimony if he was going to be making financial commitments to another family. This is what bothers me with this one. He seems in an awful hurry to get his money out of the real estate.