Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

[MissScatterbrain]

Don't ask him again if he has someone else. He will deny and hide his tracks.

Don't try to tug on his heart strings - it won't work as he is too absorbed in his fantasy fuelled affair bubble. He wants to look like the good guy who tried to make things work - not the cheating lying bastard he really is.

Be the dignified wife, take control and let him go. Then focus on rebuilding your own life.

[Layla0000]

OP, he says he doesn't love you anymore. Analyse that a bit. Did he still seem to like spending tie with you as much as usual? Was the sex life still as good as before? Was he irritable with you? Was he thoughtful towards you? Think about his behavior in the 6 months previous and see if anything seemed to have changed.

Also analyse him as a person. Were his sleeping habit normal? Under any stress? Midlife crisis? Depression?

These sudden outburts are always suspicious to me. See if you can trace back any signs or hints of this coming your way. If you can't, then it's likely to be either midlife crisis/ stress/ depression or sadly another woman as the other posters say.

I think the OW, if there is one, may of course still be just at "emotional affair" or "fancy" stage.

I am sorry this has happened to you. It must be baffling. People are capable of being so different to how you imagined they were but if the behavior is out of character there is a reason. Try and work out what it is.

In the meantime, please look after yourself. I know it is not easy

x

[anapitt]

there is most certainly not ALWAYS another woman .
good luck OP

[clam]

anapit It is nonetheless true that men seldom leave otherwise "normal" marriages if they don't have someone else to go to. (note I said "seldom," not "never.")
Particularly in the sort of circumstances and exhibiting the behaviour that the OP's h is.
Cliches, maybe, but clichés are usually founded in truth.

[Minime85]

really hope you are ok and thinking of u.

[canttypefortears]

Hi,
Thanks for all your kind messages, support and advice. It really was out of the blue, im in shock.

His behaviour up until christmas day was the same as it had always been. Ive looked back wracking my brain for something but, nope nothing.

He had, had trouble sleeping and was honest about that. I asked what the problem was, he said he just couldnt switch off or woke early etc. But he seemed better sleepwise recently.

Weve had some great weekends away as a family. Never stopped chatting etc.

I just dont understand and that hurts. 15 years for nothing and willing to throw away the family.

Dying inside, trying not to crack on the outside.

Hugs for thatlldo nicely and anyone in the same boat. Standing shoulder to shoulder or, should that be heart to heart?

X

[Layla0000]

canttyerforears...when someone is falling out of love with you, you usually feel it, sense it and there are lots of subtle signs. If you believe this wasn't happening, try and hang on to just a little faith that it is not true.

If he was having trouble switching off or was waking early, it might well be a bit of depression or stress. Have a look at this website that is focussed just on that topic. Browse through the site and see if any of it rings a bell

www.storiedmind.com

I am not saying there is NOT an OW, there might be, but look into this first. Also just try and give him a little bit of space and yourself too. Don't think of anything as permanent just yet

x

[canttypefortears]

Well...he came by today to see the kids. I asked him outright if there was someone else, his answer seemed genuine. I think i can probably lay that one to rest.

He was however very different with me. He seems to at last appreciate the hurt i feel and how sad i am. But, he still says he feels the same.

I asked again why? He said ive told you. I said i dont understand. He then went into a little more depth, saying he thought i had been rejecting him since the kids were born and that he had tried talking to me. I remember one conversation a year or so ago but nothing serious. I admit we were not loves young dream anymore in the bedroom department, but if i thought it would lead to this and had i realised it was bothering him that badly i would of moved heaven and earth. It certainly wasnt a loveless relationship but we arent typically kissy and cuddly.

I would of thought this was a two way thing. I said i was sorry if he had felt like this and sorry if i hadnt heard. I asked if we could salvage it as id work my damned hardest as i love him soooo much. He says he had nothing left.

I think we can remain friends despite his cruel way, for which he is sorry for. But how do i stop sobbing, and hopeing when hopes gone. I scream out for him between my tears, i am desperately sad. Im looking at old photos torturing myself remembering our wedding, honeymoon and holidays. It seemed so good even just over a month ago.

Now he is pushing for divorce. I am lost and scared for the kids and my future without their dads support emotionally and financially. 5 weeks ago all was ok and now my world has exploded and i cant see a way out. This is killing me.

I love my husband I truly do, but ive left it to late. My fault.

[Quitelikely]

You poor woman. My heart goes out to you. The only thing I can say is time really is a healer. No help to you right now. Have you thought about seeing your gp? Might be useful. Also consider asking him to stay with the kids for the night while you have a night away from the home, maybe stay with a friend or something.........

[Quitelikely]

Btw If he's been a bit better in understanding your hurt its confusing as to why he's pushing for divorce, I mean whats the rush. Surely he can see your in turmoil and he could have left the divorce thing for now

[canttypefortears]

Feel like im wallowing in self pity, and for that im sorry. I asked him why he has left it until today to give me a real explanation. He told me he didnt want to cause me anymore pain than he already had. Im so cross he didnt speak up and i mean speak UP and make it clear, by the time he was telling me we/he had a problem with 'us' he was also telling me it was over. No chance to work it out. He knows i love him and heoes now.

Looking back at our photos and the memories, god i was almost smug about my life! I thought everything was perfect, maybe i got complacent or lazy. Feeling like i deserve some of this right now.

Ive been to the gp, and been given medication. Doesnt seem to work. I lay awake, crying at night.

I cant just turn my feelings off.

[Fairylea]

This is not your fault. Not at all.

So you weren't leaping all over each other sexually after 15 / 20 years... that's relatively normal.

His behaviour is not.

[Layla0000]

It sounds remarkably like he is trying to blame you here.

of course problems crop up in marriages...you might not be fulfilling his needs or vice versa. This is normal.

What's abnormal is for him to say nothing about it and then slap you with divorce papers years later!

When someone gives you no chance to work it out, they don't WANT to work it out.

I can't imagine how painful and frustrating this is!

[MissScatterbrain]

Why is he pushing for a divorce? what's the rush?

You know things were good until recently - he is rewriting history, which is standard for a cheater.

Think about it - he says its not fixable and does not want to try. He never spoke up and told you he wasn't happy. This is because he already has someone else he wants to move on with.

None of this is your fault. He chose to end the marriage without giving you a real chance of working things through. He bailed out. He failed you.

[canttypefortears]

Layla0000

Yes it does sound like he is blaming me. I did say to him that it had started out as a its me not you type situation. But the more he is starting to open up to me (at last) the more i seem to have done to cause it. He isnt completley wrong but he never said anything or at least made it clear he was so bothered by it all. It hurts sooo badly because i still fancy the pants off the guy, and find him very attractive. But i am a mum, i work full time including unsociable hours. Not trying to make excuses as i should of made more effort.

[Tonandfeather]

Sorry this is happening to you.

The rush to divorce is a big giveaway.

Of course this guy has got someone else! It's so obvious.

Remember, if his denial seemed genuine, so too did the impression he was giving of everything being okay before he dropped this on you. You didn't disbelieve him then either, did you?

It's so infuriating to see someone who's cheating making a woman beat herself up and doubting herself.

This is why it's always so cruel for these COWARDS not to tell the truth about why they are leaving.

Can't you do some checking up poster? It would be far better to expose him as a liar than blaming yourself like this.

[canttypefortears]

MissScatterbrain

He wants to sort things out financially so he can get somewhere to live, instead of kipping on a sofa.

He has told me it was over for good just over 2 weeks ago! Feel as if he is having a crisis, doesnt know where his lifes going etc, all he does know is he has nothing left for me. He has told me im kind, lovely a great mum etc but he loves me like a friend. Surely after 15 years it should be the best friendship in the world? Which is what i thought we had!

[Tonandfeather]

When did he last make loads of effort with you poster?

When was the last time he made you feel like the most important person in his world?

Try to remember the last time he was unexpectedly thoughtful and did something unexpected and kind for you.

Don't make the mistake of focusing only on sex.

[eatmydust]

I am so so sorry this is happening to you.

It isn't your fault at all - please don't think that. You are holding yourself together for your DCs - you haven't disappeared and walked away from your family. This is not your fault. His cruelty is appalling.

I do understand the pain you are going through. I went through a very similar situation several years ago now, the pain is unbearable. It's good you have been to your GP, the medication does take the edge off the pain, but it doesn't unfortunately take it away.

Do you have anyone in RL you can talk to? It will get better and you and your DCs will get through this. I tried to do it without support, partly because I was so embarrassed and just too hurt to even speak to anyone. It took me a long time to get through it - but I did get through it. I did see a solicitor and she was marvellous. She asked me if there was an OW,and I said definately not- I knew my H, he was my best friend..... but of course there was an OW. Eventually he admitted it.

Please please keep talking to us, if you can't face talking to anyone in real life. Try and stay strong for your DCs. You really have done nothing wrong, you really really haven't.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Your posts are heartbreaking. This was my life 4 months ago, even down to my H pushing for divorce suddenly.

This is not your fault. He is doing something called 'guilt transferance'.

He should have talked to you before. Why didn't he?? Because he was already 10 steps ahead of you before he dropped the bombshell and had decided what he was going to do and to hell with you as he could just say he couldn't fix it anymore.

I'm sorry lovely, it sounds like he has another woman. I'm so sad for you.

[canttypefortears]

I do know for sure he is staying at his mothers. I truly hope he hasnt thrown me and the family away for someone else. Yes and even if it sounds niave i do believe their is no one else.

[handfulofcottonbuds]

Then you know your life and how things are best. We can only go by our own experiences and what you are posting on here.

I'm sorry it wasn't a good meeting with him today. How were your DCs with seeing him?

[Commander6]

I dont think for sure that he has another woman.

I do think however that he has been bottling up his feelings for a very long time.

Personally, this is what I would do.
I would ask him to write a long list of his grievances against you.
They will probably been painful to read, and not all of them will be remembered correctly or be fair.

I know that is not what everyone would do, but that is what I would do.

Also,and sorry I cant be bothered to scroll back and find out, I would consider knocking on your mil's door. I cant remember if you know where she lives, and I cant remember if you said whether you were on good speaking terms with her.
But perhaps I would only do this if the list idea didnt work.

[canttypefortears]

It wasnt so much a bad meeting. He was kind to me again but he opened up a little bit. What he said hurt as he had never told me prior to suddenly telling me it was over. Just couldnt stop sobbing.

The kids love their dad and he has always been good to them. But its typical, he gets the best of them and once he leaves ive got to pick up the pieces. My sons not sleeping in his own bed anymore which he has nevet done. Both of DC run to me when i crumble and smother me with kisses and cuddles. Poor mites dont really know what to do, my tears just dont stay in however hard i try. I have fainted through sheer exhaustion (lack of sleep and no appetite) on oneoccasion which worried them, ive since shown them how to use my mobile in an emergency.

Dont get me wrong i get them up in time to go to school, they are well presented and i help them with their homework. So i am functioning like that and am able to look after them and protect them with everything ive got! But its the down timw and the lonely time i cant cope with. My husband and i sat on the sofa chatting and watching tv dramas.

[DumSpiroSpero]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but regardless of the emotional aspects and whether or not someone else is involved, please get your ducks in a row on a practical level.

My friend went through this just over a year ago - all was well, she was looking forward to Christmas with her loving, responsible, middle class professional husband, when he sprung it on her two days before Christmas that he didn't love her any more (he did have an OW) and he moved out the day after Boxing Day.

Since then he's been an arse of the highest order. He's cost her over £20k in solicitors fees already by being bloody minded and they are nowhere near getting a divorce and arrangements for the kids/finances sorted.

You've already said your DH is behaving like a different person - hopefully he won't turn into an even more nasty bastard, but do make sure you protect yourself and your kids before it's too late.