Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Sorry but so fucking what?
He has not once been concerned for you and the children when he was flying off on holiday or getting pissed with his mates.
Sorry to sound so harsh love but I'm getting sick of him calling all the shots while you feel so shit.
What's likely is that you not doing as he requested made him panic a bit that you are finally starting to do without him, this will only ever be a temporary state of mind.
I can understand you feel concerned for him but don't forget you and the dc must come first.

He is sensing that you are pulling away from him and not doing the pick me dance - I suspect that his ego & need to be in control means that he does not like this development.

He wants you at his bidding, adoring him. He wants to feel that he can walk back in at any time, knowing that you will be bending over backwards pandering to his whims.

You are NOT a doormat so don't be one please.

That's 3 of us in a few minutes who totally recognise his behaviour.
This is what we told you all along.
They are very cocky until they see us finally moving on a bit.
Predictable fuckers!

LBZT

Yes i suppose i do feel a bit stronger, at least for today. Ovet the past few weeks i have experienced moments of calm but then have fallen back down again so i dont know. The staying away has made me a little calmer too.

I think my hope has gone now. H hurt me badly during our last conversation and his lack of empathy is unbelievable hence my decision to back away.

All i will say is H knows that ( at least for now) the door is open, its in his hands. And if he does, which i know he wont he better have a heartfelt apology prepared and mean it...

Just concerned about his mental state right now.

Yes his behaviour is like you all describe, as if he is having a tantrum because he is not getting his way! I just find it odd that he has asked everyone to stay away.

My worry is that he is seriously unwell and there is no guarantee he will pull through. So for that reason and the fact i do care i dont want to add to his problems.

My H was always the noble man. The man who would open doors for women, the man who would not let you carry anything heavy, the man who would defend his gal at all costs. What happened, why did he change? Answers to these questions i will never find.

Darling Girl it's not your role to worry about his mental state anymore, your free of that obligation.

You really are doing great. But I think more focus on you and less on H.

I agree, don't visit. Especially since your info is coming from your shit-stirring MiL. Who knows what the truth is or what her motives are. If nothing else, it's to make you feel bad. I wouldn't listen to anything she says. As a matter of fact, I'd probably tell her that I would prefer she not call me, either. That if there is any updating to be done, you'd prefer that the hospital call you. Besides, if he really wanted to see you to the DCs, he would be calling you, wouldn't he? He certainly hasn't had a problem calling you when he wanted something before, has he? Frankly, I think MiL is 'spinning things' to make you feel guilty.

As of now, H condition is really not your concern. Well, it is as far as your DCs go, but not to the point of doing anything to 'help' him. I'd keep him in my prayers, as I would for anyone, but that would be the limit.

You have taken a step away by saying you weren't going to visit (per his request). Don't move backwards now. It won't change the way he feels and will only hurt you in the long run. Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.

canty my xh treated me with contempt until I started having a life and then was fuming with me for having a life
He once saw me out with a guy from work then rang me to tell me "it didn't take long to get your knickers off"
Amazing coming from a big cheating arsehole!

If this was a woman, we would be calling her a Drama Queen. He wants you to be flitting around after him, ever pleasing, and he knows that he is able to keep you waiting for that tantalising 'I got it wrong, can I come back?'. His behaviour is outrageous and very demeaning.

Whatever his reasons and his state of mind I cannot agree more with the other posters that you need to distance yourself from his web of deceit. This man has behaved deplorably and just because he is unwell or wanting out of the relationship it doesn't mean that he get to treat you with this level of contempt.

Start to make an emotional break. I know that you still harbour hope that he will come back. Even if he does, you could not move forward without full honesty, apologies and knowing that he loves you (more than he loves himself). You need to make a solid base for your DCs, take control. Your DH is not a child and at the moment, he is being allowed to indulge in a lot of childish behaviour. 'Toys out of the pram' as said earlier is what he's doing.

if you go won't it be like telling a child they can't have more chocolate. just for them to paddy and paddy and scream and cry until you either said no or oh ok then. if you go with the former and stick to it they learn you mean what u say. if you do the latter they've played u and know to get what they want to just go on until u give in.

I too made it clear the door wasn't closed it was in his hands. you know what now it is and I'm happier. I'm me. and because if that more importantly my dcs are happier because they have a happy mummy.

please think of your dcs.

H isnt just a bit unwell its very real and very serious. I am in bits worrying about him. I cant guarantee he will pull through or if he does he wont have any lasting damage. I will add that his condition 'can'cause personality change but im not really believing it. The last time i saw him he confirmed i mean little more than the person who bore his children.

I'm sorry that this has turned into a harrowing episode for you. Are you able to plug into any support from the hospital. If they are giving you such an unpredictable prognosis, I would have hoped that they would give you an idea of where to get help.

Despite him saying the things he has, you remain his next of kin and if he is not able to make decisions, I assume that you are the person they will ask. As his DW, you are potentially in this position. Its a difficult area, but one you should keep in mind.

Hi it's taken me a while to read the thread, I'm so pleased you've had such good support here. You have gained a lot of strength since the begining of this.
I'd say don't visit him, phone the ward to check how things are with him.
Have you been there on ward round so you have a clear understanding of the medical situation ?

Skye, it's great to hear you are doing so well and have a new partner too!

My dc are struggling at the moment. Their daddy leaving, their mummy upset all the time and now their daddy seriously unwell.

Although it may not of sounded like it i have been putting the kids first they have always been my number1 concern. I do however find it hard to hide my current feelings. I have also where possible treated them to the odd day out or meal down our local so i do know my priorites and i am trying so hard!

The seperation effected the DC quite badly because they as i did thought mummy and dad were rock solid. Never any arguments or awkwardness it came out of nowhere.

nevergrowingup

I was not put down as next of kin, mil was. I was kept in the dark about him being admitted to hospital for 24 hrs. He then decided i should be in the know.

I think I can speak for all here when I say that we all know that you have always put your DCs first! The love and concern you have for them is obvious! And there is really nothing wrong with your DCs knowing you are sad or upset. Children are canny little buggers & always seem to sense when a parent is unhappy. It would probably frighten them more for you to pretend all is well when they know it isn't than it would for them to see you down or crying. It's all about letting them know that Mummy will be happy again soon.

And we know that H is seriously, seriously ill. BUT, we also know that there is nothing you can do to heal him. Even if you two were still united, there is nothing that even the most loving spouse can do. I know. I sat by my DH's bedside when he had acute cardiomyopathy and the doctor told me that he had a less than 15% chance of living. If love could have cured him, he would have leapt from the bed and danced a jig. But it was medical science that cured him, not me. You dancing to H's tune will not help him get better. Turn him over to medical science and, if you are a believer, to God.

I'm not telling you not to love him. I'm not telling you not to hope, in your heart of hearts, that he has a change of heart. I'm just telling you that you must move ahead in spite of that.

Can't, that is really unpleasant. That kind of thing really messes with your head. Despite what has been actioned in the short term, you as his DW remain his next of kin legally. I've seen that before where these issues are ignored and those closest find they are edged out.

You have very difficult choices but the first of those should be to allow yourself to be selfish. You need to get through this and for now just get through tomorrow. Oh, and your MIL is a witch...

I'm in a similar position with my mother. She is old and has a serious health scare if I don't do what she wants (and it is serious). So I see her for maybe 5 - 10 minutes. The conversation is completely bland: in essence I am doing my duty, keeping the family off my back really. It took me a while to be able to cope with even 5 - 10 minutes but I got there.

I don't think you are in the same position though. It seriously undermines you to see him because you are in the middle of an intense crisis (of his doing) and you have you and the kids to keep on an even keel, which is no small thing considering the bomb that has gone off in your lives.

Just like my visits to my mum are a nod in the right direction, can you eg call the ward at regular intervals, making sure the staff tell him you have called? By 'regular', perhaps once a day / once every two days eg? So you're ticking the right box but keeping yourself safe.

Canttype I know you may get grief for the decision you took, and I know that you wish your H well. Under the circumstances, and keeping in mind you still care for him, it was very brave of you. But he has to understand that if he no longer wants to keep you as his wife, his life partner, he does NOT get to keep you as his friend, to support and comfort him as and when required. They go hand in hand.

You are co-parents. If he want anything else hes got a lot of ground to make up, and a lot of work to do. When he is feeling better.

i am so sorry you are going through this, i do however agree that you need to keep away from this man

He didn't care about you or your kids when he went on holiday with his new male friend, he has been unbelievably selfish and cruel

I think sometimes the most difficult part is realizing that the person your are in love with doesn't actually exist

Cannty, I would continue to stay away from the hospital. The reality is that you'll never look back on this period in time and feel anything but heart break so why not do what's best for you and ultimately your children.

There will be times ahead when having had even a tiny bit of self respect will comfort you.

Also, what's going on right now was all set in motion by your husband.

Im not going to visit H again unless he asks to see the DC. Im not holding out much hope though. He didnt seem to understand that i meant it and has flipped out. So i do worry that it may effect his recovery. I know i can hold my head high because i was with him for nearly 2 weeks caring for him and helping him. The moment we got time alone together he let me know that im just a spare part!

Of course you worry - that's what he's banking on. It's called manipulation, emotional blackmail. Dead hard to resist - the guilt! my mother could be dead any minute and the fear of that is not to be underestimated, especially if as I will get blamed for it. He has made a big song and dance that YOU are the cause of his illness and responsible for his recovery. iiwy I also wouldn't be filling in the MIL with any reasons, inner workings or turmoil. Just be blank with her, make statements. They're all of a piece those two imo.

I've just remembered that a good friend of mine's husband buggered off - after 20 years of marriage - and it's a bloke in the wings. Not a sexual relationship but a blokey we-can-do-what-we-like-now relationship.

I havent actually been blamed for Hs illness because that is precisley what it is. No one can be blamed. I have had to put up with commentsfrom mil about how badly he has been treated in all of this etc. H just cant seem to open his mouth and say anything that doesnt hurt me. As i said before his condition can be a slow burner and cause personality changes etc. Im not counting on anything though. Im hoping he will keep me updated but i doubt he will so i probably will call the hospital for news.

Well i called the hospital today and have been told he is stable. I decided i ought to text him to update me on anything in regards his condition otherwise i would have no clue. He text back and it was odd. He has only just realised what is wrong with him even though he was told two weeks ago. He is quite obviously very confused at the moment so i dont know if he is taking everything in or at least how its intended. He is aware im serious about staying away but i dont think he gets why. His behaviour now and before his illness is erratic he is all over the place and doesnt seem to know what he is doing. Im not making excuses for him nor am i expecting him to come running back but this is plain weird!