Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

quite nobdy is "having a go" at the OP. We are pointing out, gently, thatshe needs to keep herself well for herself and her kids

Canty I am worried that you are getting your hopes up. And I am worried that they will be dashed. YOur H being ill doesn't make him a saint. It doesn't change what he's done to you.

I'm going to say again what I said this morning: Would you, in your heart of hearts, be happy for him to come back to you because he feels obliged? That's even if he decides to! You need to think carefully about that. Having him back at any cost may be a hollow victory.

You remind me so much of myself a few year back. When exDP picked me up and dropped me for 5 months before I found out the awful truth. I believed that if just looked / acted / said a certain thing, he would see the error of his ways. Of course he didn't. He had checked out months before. And now I look back and wish I had been stronger and more distant.

#Bitoutof practice#

Thanks, i have thought long and hard. Although he has treated me apallingly yes i would take him back. None of the problems he has sited arent fixable.

I dont think he would come back because he felt obliged. He has said i shouldnt love him after all hes put me through, he misses the DC, he didnt want to go home after his last visit etc etc. It was all heartfelt but im well aware thats not actually suggesting anything. He has wanted me by his side, ive told him to tell me ig i become too much, he has not. I know he is down and unwell but its me he wanted. Im trying to distance my feelings. Ive never changed my stance on the way i feel.

He is treating you appallingly because you are allowing him to do so.

Sylvana i get what you are saying. I have a feeling that the current situation will be what makes or breaks our marriage.

Over the past two months he has treated me badly and he finally accepts that, but whether that makes a difference i dont know. I suppose ive never accepted its over and therefore scared of shutting the door and doing the wrong thing. He may well have other ideas.

Canty the problems he has identified in the marriage that you think are fixable are one thing. But what about the problems you might have with him now ie he us not the trustworthy, honest, reliable man you thought he was. Is that fixable?

I know I'm bring blunt but like I say, I'm worried that you are being set up for more heartache

Canty, I would take that power away from him. I wouldn't let him decide MY future. I would be very, very angry. You don't have to shut the door but don't let him think you are a complete walk over.

I think my feeling is that Cantty is being true to herself right now. She is doing what feels right to her, not to score points with DH or to 'guilt' him into coming back. She is following her own heart and I think she DOES realize that in doing so she may be heading for joy or for even greater pain.

It does take courage to follow your heart, especially when you know deep down that it still may not make things turn out the way you want them to.

It may not be what I would do. It may not be what you would do. But it's what she WANTS to do. I think, even if things don't work out, there's some solace in knowing that you followed your own feelings instead of other people's advice. Even if that advice is sound.

But as a dear friend's wonderful Jewish mother used to say to us when we were upset; "EAT Cantty bubbaleh, EAT! A spoonful of this, a bite of that. Eat! Nothing's so bad that a bite of something good won't make it better!"

At the moment he has got to get better and it will be a conversation for then.

I still believe H had a meltdown and had backed himself into a corner. Im sure you are all screaming at me to get real! If there is an opportunity this is it and he has to make the decision.

He was a good H for 15 years, the lies only began once he left home. Could i trust him again? I think i can. Do i think things will go back to normal? No, i think we could develop a different normal. Do i really think he will come home? No, i probably am getting my hopes up as i have over and over but i wish.

The truth is i dont know what will happen after all
this. He has got time and lots of it to think. I stopped begging him to come back along time ago. I havent cried in front of him recently. Im muddling aling as best i can.

Cantty, your kids come first. He's in the best hands (and I mean the medics here). Let his mother do her ridiculous thing, be at home with your kids. They have had to weather the breakup too (are they old enough to process it, to know what is going on?) and will be very disorientated and upset about that. I know you're a good mum, and maybe it's the trauma of the past few weeks that could well have knocked you off course, got your focus in the wrong place. Fuck him and his bedside, go home, focus on your kids and your health. This could be a long haul so, please, focus on the right things here, your immediate responsibilities, which are your kids and your health - not him. If he's coming back he's coming back - no amount of sitting at his bedside with the witch is going to change that, except make you even more poorly. Your kids need one constant lovely, it's got to be you.

I do agree with the others I'm afraid canty this time in hospital could have given him time to reflect and maybe make some important decisions but with you stoically sat by his side thin and pained he is more likely to lose even more respect for you and realise that no matter what he does you will still be the little wife all devoted to him.

Ask yourself if he'd have done the same for you over the last few weeks while he's been in the piss or jetting off on holiday without telling you.
Or paying you the absolute minimum despite having the money for the above!

I can totally get that you think this maybe a second chance and make him re think things but is that really likely, and if it is there is a strong chance it will be for the wrong reasons and once he's stronger those feelings that made him leave will still be there no matter how much you are trying to "fix your flaws" your life will be anxiously spent waiting for him to do it again and trying to stop that happening, what a sad life.

Of course you are going to do what you want to do, we are just strangers but many of us are wise strangers who have seen this all before.

I really hope you get your wish but I'm not sure it will be the happy reconciliation that you imagine.

I have returned to a little more normality this week. Spending more time with kids and back to work. I am extremley tired but i am coping.

H looks to be in hospital for the long haul. If he decides to come home it has to be his choice. I have no intention of walking on egg shells for the rest of my life. I do believe if H was to come back he truly would work at it as in his own words he could never put us all through this pain ever again.

At this moment in time i really only want to look to the future, whays done is done however much its hurt me.

canty you must do what is right for all of you! we don't have to live your life.

The walking on eggshells thing is weird.

I took my dh back for a brief few days. I felt worse than when he'd left me.
So anxious and desperate to please him, lots of sex and not ever disagreeing with him etc.
It was when I finished a long weekend at work and felt I had to apply a face of make up to look pretty that I realised I had to go it alone.

I literally drove home bare faced and told him to go.

I knew I'd be able to get over him but that I couldn't spend my whole life anxious he would leave me again unless I was a stepford wife.

I think that is something we have to discover for ourselves.

As long as you are prepared for things to still be the same when he recovers though, I'm sure you will be ok.

I relay would use its time for reflection and to build yourself up a bit. At least you aren't worrying about who he's with and what he is doing while he's in there which should give your poor over worked mind a nice break.
Have some fun and bonding with the dc, you may find that underneath they are feeling very confused and worried even though they don't show it.

Really not relay

Ledkr we did the same. Several times. I wanted it so bad. I thought that if I just tried hard enough he would love me again. Of course I was living in a fool's paradise. It was the most painful 5 months of my life. When the final explosion came and I walked away I thought I would literally die from the pain. But I did know that eventualy, with time, that pain would end and the wounds wold start to heal without me ripping them open time and time again. Of course their are scars. Of course it still hurts. But they are fading. And the pain is less (dsepite the occasional twinge!)

No idea why I wrote all that - your post just touched a nerve with me

Canty I hope you have a good day today. And yes, eat something nutricious. I know it feels like there's a big stone blocking your throat but please try.

Their?! Eek! There! There!!

Deciding enough was enough (my mantra) was so healing for me.
I remember it so well. I felt so empowered and excited about my future.
Such a relief from all the fretting about whether I could make him happy etc. I slept that night and woke up renewed and booked holiday to Ibiza with the children

They way I saw it, I'd have one thing to do and that was to get over him.
If I stayed as had many challenges ahead.

'Twas an easy decision for me.

I have a lovely life now while his dp has to out up with no help with kids, no Mother's Day cards, him never settling and always having to go out, his inability to have a drink without getting absolutely leg less etc.
Shall I go on

I have such a different dh now in so many ways.

Aww Ledkr I'm so glad for you.

As it happens, so do Ihave a new DP who is as different from ex as it's possible to be and I am so happy and safe and loved up it's untrue. There is life nd happiness after heartbreak like this -and we are proof.

I hope that Canty believes us eh? Although when I was in the depths of despair I'm not sure I would have.

Hi,

Ive had a bad weekend and feeling as low as i have ever done.

Went to visit H and finally seems to be making some progress. He wanted to talk about what MIL had been saying to me. I said she had said some things that were unfair, rude and unfounded but i had bitten my tounge all week. He told me not to let her get to me like he did. He said if it wasnt for his mother he would never of said anything and carried on with our marriage. He asked me to delete her number (which he gave her) from my phone.

He told me again he 'cant' come home as he cant give me what i deserve. He doesnt know where to go when he is discharged. I asked him if i was important at all ( stupid me) to which he responded " well your the mother of my children"- i feel so insulted, im a human being, someone he has been with for more than 15 years but now im an incubator without feelings. He has absolutley no empathy towards me.

He proceeded to tell me he had his mates coming for visiting and wanted male time alone with them. No doubt the friend he went on holiday with was coming and i bet ive been painted as something else. I asked him if i was an embarrassment, that seems quite obvious, he then starts getting upset and accuses me of torturing him whilst he is down and broken!?

I left telling him that although i love him and care for his well being i would no longer come to the hospital as i felt used and hurt. He text me this morning asking me not to visit today but to come tommorow if i wanted, i replied and repeated that i would not be visiting anymore. He responded "ok".

Hurting all over again and feeling like ive been taken for a fool. I knew this would probably happen but when reality hits its so painful. I was trying to hold back and take all your advice but im finding it so difficult to give up on him.

Im sorry Cannty but even to me this now sounds as if there is another woman and that she is visiting him today, and that far from not knowing where he is going when he leaves hospital he knows exactly where he is going - to the other womans.

It would also cover why he wants you and his mother to no longer have contact. You wont be able to ask her anything and she wont be able to tell you.

Im really sorry and though I very much believe how you love your husband he isnt good for you and its time for you to move on a bit.

Oh Cant so sorry your having a bad weekend. You need distance I think it is very wise to stop the visits.

He has made it clear that coming home is not an option for him I know you had hope but really I don't think he has made it any clearer. I know he has regrets and has expressed them but even when we have regrets as humans it doesn't always mean we won't to go back.

I'm so so sorry that your hurt but it really is time to let go. If you keep holding on you are going to more hurt. You need to look forward I know that must be scary but there are plenty of us that have gone before you and yes your life will be different but it can also be as rich and as amazing as what you thought you were going to have.

And just to add, pls dont feel foolish,because there is no shame whatsoever in trying to put things right and give someone a chance to say hey I have made a mistake.

The shame should be your husbands for doing what he has done, the way he has done it.

I think today is as much honesty as you are ever going to get out of him.

sorry meant "want to go back" not won't

So sorry - but I agree, this screams OW.

Good for you for not visiting any more - time to batten down the hatches and get on with solicitors etc, and your new life.

Can't you go up there to have a peek who is actually visiting? Or ring the nurses and ask who is there iyswim

What was the MIL saying to you?

And fwiw I can so see why you had your hopes up but I still feel like he hasn't given you a real reason to walk out on the relationship!