Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

I know you are right. I will not be visiting him again, i was by his side the moment i found out and remained there for nearly two weeks. He did want me there and seems to still want me there but not for the right reasons. He expects me to switch off and fit in with his new single mans life. He wants to remain friends whilst having no respect for my feelings.

I still dont believe in there being an ow though. Our relationship with MIL has always been strained, she would do anything to hurt me and break us up. We distanced ourselves from her for years. He re-established a relationship with her last summer which leads me to think he had pre planned the breakup. He has now told me his mum has got to him and stuck the knife in, and no way is he going back to live with her. She had form for this. So strange when in the past he would have defended me at all costs.

Found an interesting web site about runaway fathers. The description given almost reflects H actions exactly.

For now H will have to make the next move. Hopefully he will let me know when he is discharged as i do care. Maybe he will even tell me where he is staying. Most importantly he will have to get in touch with regards the DC.

Well you tried your best - you can't say you didn't give him every chance. Now it is time to take care of yourself.

The web site was about runaway husbands not fathers sorry!

Im pretty certain there isnt someone else, i have gone through phases of thinking maybe but i really dont think so.

MIL was telling me what i have done wrong in our marriage and how badly i have always treated her little boy and what a crap mother i am. I know i dont have to justify myself to all you girls but all i ever did was what was best for my family, organise and personally pay for famiy time and holidays and love H and DC. I held back and didnt engage her in conversation as i simply didnt see it worth bothering, at the end of the day H knows the truth. Then again theres the truth and his truth...

canty I'm really sorry it turned out like this and well done for coming back and trusting us not to be all "I told you so" cos we aren't.

Personally I think you might find this is your catalyst for moving on as it's shown him for what he is and also you know you have given it your all and can't do anymore.

I think it's definitely plan time for you missus. Start making your life nice and leave him to his idiot mid life crisis friends and controlling mother whim in identity you can now tell to fuck off to the far side of fuck you can even call her a c u next Tuesday if you wish to.

In fact you can now do anything you want to. I know you didn't want this to happen but in time you will see that it is like being given a second chance and life will be good again.

New friends and fun is what you need now.

Let's arrange that Summer holiday meet up to start with, we will all come up and pass on our strength to you.

Ledkr the meet up would be

Cantty - the time has come to get rid of this selfish man and his despicable mother. I've never seen someone to resist as much as you - but that's because you're too nice and too trusting. You tried so hard, you tried to excuse your DH's behaviour but now you know the truth. I'm so sorry but please try to move on for you and your DC's sake - rooting for you :)

I second the making plans. I am having a really really bad year but what is getting me through is I am making little plans so I have something good to look forward too (a night out in london on 26/04, a girly night to a play on 16/05 etc). Just having these things to look forward to is making my days easier and slowly I am feeling more positive.
Can you make little plans just for you or for you and your kids. It sounds a bit daft but it really helps.

Oops silly little phoney!

Ledkr the meet up would be great.

No, i certainly didnt want this to happen. My life was brilliant before and for that matter so was his. I childrens lives were almost idyllic. This is why its so hard to understand. I have taken legal advice and sorted all benefits etc i am entitled to and I will probably be ok. Thats as long as H pays his way (he is down 4 weeks on child support at the moment, although he has been poorly for 2 of those).H on the other hand has shot himself in the foot, all in the sake of what? He really couldnt have been that unhappy with the life we led, although i do believe work was getting to him. I do conclude he has had some kind of MLC. Looks like he has thrown it all away.

As for me i dont know how to make myself happy again. I was one of those people who had a permenant smile engraved on my face. That has gone. Im very lonely and have zero social life. I have been so low at times that ive scared myself but I have two DC who are hurting and who i love more than anything. Two DC who have more or less been abandoned by their daddy. The daddy who would never hurt or desert his children because of his own experience. The daddy who was once a full part of his kids life decides to see them once/ twice (if their lucky) a week because " its what other people do". Not good enough.

I wonder if it could be a case of OM rather than OW....given how close he seems to be to his BF?

It's bizarre. You describe such a good marriage. I don't think he has given a good enough reason to leave !

The truth will out st some point I guess

Can't, I know you are hurting but you are sounding stronger. You have been so brave, so patient, so forgiving. I am sorry you have been so let down.

You have a great future ahead of you. him? Not so much.

Between us H and I worked so hard. We lived for our holidays and weekends away. They were generally financed by me though. I always had our next trip booked and planned so we had something to look forward to. I booked things for later on this year before i knew he was going to walk out. Got a few bitter sweet trips to take this year.

On my own im not sure i can afford to do any treats anymore. Got to look for cheaper alternatives i suppose! All the while knowing that H is out several times a week on the lash with his mates spending god knows how much. His current outgoings must be minimal whilst mine are astronomic ( he only pays for half the mortgage currently). He can only stay on someones sofa for so long then reality will hit.

Cant I am in the same place as you. DH walked out for no good reason .... I am so raw and hurt. My thoughts are with you

so you going to sort out the child maintenance issue then? Why should he stop paying when he feels like it?

Miss scatterbrain, that has crossed my mind during a wild moment but i really dont think so!!!!

The only reasons he gave for his feelings were not deal breakers and where they were true were totally fixable. He has just given up. If he wasnt happy in the life we led he certainly has given it up for a life of misery.

I wish him better, i really do because i will always love the man i married. But he is not going to have it easy anymore. I cant deny that im still processing all thats happened and im going to be hurting for a long time to come but i trying to toughen up!

cant you may not feel it but you do sound stronger, and in time you will start to feel stronger too.

Cannty a reason for a breakup doesn't have to be what you or others would deem a deal breaker. It just has to be an excuse and unfortunately the more a couple would have appeared to have had it together so to speak, the lamer the excuses sound.

And yes to the possibility of it being another person - their gender really isnt that important.

Lavender

We or should i say H decided how much ( althougj in line with what he should pay) and when he would pay CS. We havent done it officially but i think i may well go down that route to ensure it gets paid regularly. I doubt H will like that becausr it chamges the so called flexibility of his arrangement.

I laugh at what i write because H would have frowned upon people who act as he has, as if scum of the earth only a short while ago. He was one of those men who would never cheat, lie, walk out on his family, hurt those closest to him, or pay his way. Who is this man? He is not the man ive been married to for the past 15 years!

and if you do it officially then you are taking control of the situation rather than being at his mercy - good move.

And my ex was the same, was disgusted with anyone who did the same to their own families. He hasn't bothered to see our daughter for nearly a year now - some father. They turn into a stranger, he is no longer on your side, it is an awful thing to come to terms with, I know.

Cantty sometimes people can hide the real them for a long time but eventually it has to break free so to speak. Now by that I dont mean your husband has ben hiding his sexuality so to speak just that he has done a good job of hiding a less than desirable part of him.

It could be that things turn out to prove your husband had nothing more than basted syndrome going on, but whatever it is you have to accept that he is very much intent on the road he is going down.

canty my life was a big like yours we had everyone jealous at one point! we used to lie in bed and talk about how lucky we were to be so in love and happy. We had just had our baby girl after 3 sons when he had his affair and left us all.
We also had amazing holidays and many fun trips a beautiful home and were ok for money.
Sometimes I think that is what he walked away from he wanted to be more like his piss poor mates.

You really must prioritise setting up regular payments, now dare he pay if and when he feels like it and go out on the loss when he's not supporting his family.

Do that one little thing this week and you will feel amazing.

The plans are the way forward for definite.

I also used to need those little things to look forward to, even sometimes that might be a favourite tv show or a nice magazine and a bubble bath.

Friendships will develop as you start to open up to them, you sound as if you lived only for Him friendships wouldn't have happened easily, they will now.
Are there any social groups at work you might get involved in? Other parents? Friends are your saviour here.

He doesnt seem to care about the impact it has had on the children, its almost not worth mentioning. DS has trouble sleeping and at night screams and cries for his dad. Dd has becoming naughty and is giving loads of back chat and often speaks of hating her daddy! Of course when he does seem them they are exxited and are great, he returns them and i then deal with the aftermarth. If i do tell him i get told" I know, but its to be expected!".

Im just waiting to see if his attitude will change having spent time in hosputal. I suspect he will probably become more of the victim!

Go out on the loss? What the hell is that?

my situation has parallels to your own. I've lurked on your thread since the start hoping things worked out for u.

I had the I dont love u speech in July days before what should have been a perfect family holiday. in the end I said enough is enough in November when he wouldn't try.

as you have said I felt it was all fixable or at least worth trying to save 13yrs together. however not to be. there was no OW. still isn't.

but he was not the man I married. I had to let him go. to start with I hoped he would realise what he lost. by January my bitter phase was passing. I went nc in terms of any relationship with him for my sanity. we still have regular contact re dcs. but that's all it is re dcs. and its helped enormously. I really have moved forward.

there were lots of tears before that. honestly now I dont want him back because the him he is is not the man I loved. it doesn't undo the happy times. it stains them a little and a bit of me will always be broken.

but I'm moving on. I'm happy. my kids are adapting although its hard. and one day we will be friends.

I so wish u well. you will be ok. stay strong and focused.

My life centred around him for sure. I was content just to be with him. He made me happy. I suppose once i had the dc they became my priority and maybe thats when he started seeing me only as the mothet of his kids.

For this reason i dont have any close friends. I also work unsociable hoyrs which doesnt help. I have good friends at work but they are limited to work. I also have school gate friends but ive been hiding away ashamed in recent weeks.

Im such a sad sack lol!