Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

You are anything but a sad sack..xx

I didnt realise how important friends were until now. H really was my best friend yet he betrayed me. I do feel very alone but my family are rallying around as best they can.

At the beginning of our marriage H didnt have a great deal to do with his friends although he always had his best mate they would only see each other once in a blue moon. He would have described me as his best mate also, we were loved up. Over the last year or so he started going out much more regularly widening his circle of friends especially in the last 6 months. I have never had an issue with him going out as long as i knew roughly when he was getting home or if he intended to stay at a mates. I was in no way awkward about this.

Its as if he has built up his relationships with both his mother and friends and then callously set me and the kids adrift. Maybe it was all premeditated?

canty those school gate friends will probably love you to confide in them! some will be mosey but one or two may genuinely care about you and may lead to friendships!the same at work! why not suggest meeting up or organise a works night out.
One of my closest friends I met at work and two on a Mumsnet local meet up.
Do you fancy trying Mumsnet local and see if anyone near you wants to meet up for a coffee, I know it seems strange but it's no different to internet dating and plenty do that.

Well, Cantty, I'm sorry it has come down to this. But I think you did right to put that final effort out to see if he would respond. Now you know that you did everything possible and have given him every chance. Now there is no more 'what ifs' and 'if onlys', as he's made it clear what his priorities are. What there is now is you, your darling DCs, and a future filled with love, peace, and happiness for you and for them. I know it doesn't seem that way right now, but it's true. You are a lovely woman with a great heart. You have already looked to secure your financial future, you have your home, and the love of your family. Now you can concentrate on moving yourself forward and guiding your DCs through this period, knowing that you will all come out fine, it will just take time.

As for him, well, he really is the biggest loser in this whole fiasco! He has lost his home, his children, and a good woman. All you've lost is a man who, in the end, could not be trusted to live up to his promises.

I think Ledkr's idea of a MN local meet up is a good one. Even if you don't meet a 'bosom-bow', you do need to get out and start socializing. It's the first step.

You are all being so kind especially when ive been so foolish thinking he may come to his senses. I might come across big headed but i just dont get why he has fallen out of love! we made a great couple and had a great lifestyle although we both worked hard to achieve it.

I dont for one second think this sorry tale is over. Im not going to make life easy for him but im also not going to put myself in the wrong. I will probably have to bare the brunt of his new found anger but i want to be able to hold my head high and know i didnt do anything wrong.

Because we have all been where you are and clung onto hope when it wasn't there and acted foolishly.

Today's task is to try and stop analysing it so much, it's very hard but if people only ever left unhappy marriages then it would be a better world. The fact is that it has happened and you have given it your absolute best shot so torturing yourself with why is not helping.
He may not properly know himself.

I highly recommend some kind of reinventions for you. Either a new haircut or colour or some new clothes, very superficial but I remember it really helped me.

Work on those friendships, if you pm me I'll start a meetup thread on local for you.

Get this child support sorted now, don't add struggling with money to your list of woes.

Can you plan something with the kids at the weekend?

C e back and tell us what you have planned with them, then focus on that and not the moron.

This is your homework

Remember "if you act like something is the end of the world then it will be" fake it till you make it.

You don't come across as foolish. You don't come across as big-headed.

You come across as a woman who has had a massive shock and who was maybe a tiny bit blinded by love (!)

I think you have coped amazingly and you will continue to do so, especially when you move on properly from old twat face.

I feel so stuck. I still cant believe this has happened. I dont want this but he doesnt want me any more. Im trying to move forwards but each time i take a step in the right direction something hits me and takes me back again. In a way im scared of H, what will he do next to hurt me?

How do i tell the DC their father is going to force us out of their home?

"The daddy who would never hurt or desert his children because of his own experience."

Hi cant, do you know I am wondering if there is some sort of self-sabotage going on with men with FOO issues. My H had a very unstable relationship with this dad due to his parents appallingly badly managed seperation and eventiual divorce (they could have written the How No to manual ). He was so determined to be a better dad, a better H - and for a long time he was but in the end he seemed to become so afraid of being like his dad that he did it to preempt the inevitable.

You are doing so well. Perhaps time for a name change - CantBeBotheredWithTears perhaps?

So they self sabotage to get over with the inevitable? That makes a lot of sense. How heartbreakingly sad that is.

I don't think he can do that legally cant. The courts strive to preserve the family home until the children are 18.

You've had a massive shock, and that is going to pulse through you for some time. Try to go with it - I know it's hard, we want the terrible thing to be over/life to be as it was. The loss and grief are immense but remember that this too shall pass, try to remember that one day the vicious shock of this will fade. In the meantime, let it roll through and be mindful to go easy on yourself. You weren't a fool to hope! You can't just switch off your feelings, they were coarsing along with great strength, it will take a while for them to fade.

he may or may not have been planning it - who can tell? You will probably never know, especially as he is not in any frame of mind to be honest with himself, let alone you. Imo you will not be able to stop yourself analysing, it's part of working through the shock - however, try to develop the skill of recognising when you are analysing and if you could park it for a moment so you aren't eaten up by it.

I am a great believer that our emotions and body are closely linked. HIs body knows he's done something very wrong imo.

Thinking of you, and Hup , and your children and all are going through this awful time.

Hi Can't.
I'm so sorry. I am in exactly the same place and am just as distraught as you. I'm still hopelessly in love with him and miss him every second.
You said something about him not wanting to do something to his children because it happened to him as a child. What was that? I ask because mine was abandoned at 12 and I am convinced that this has taught him that when things are bad, the answer is to run. I wonder whether there is something in your husbands past that sets a precedent for this.
But as others have said, I suppose it doesn't really help to endlessly analyse it. But you can't help it can you? It just goes round endlessly in your head. Like Ledk I decided I couldn't take any more pain and asked him not to contact me unless he had something hopeful to say and I have now given upas king him to come back and try. I think you're in the same phase and we are both restarting the grieving and it is hell. If it helps, I am still crying every day and desolately lonely and afraid. I still hold a tiny candle of hope that he'll come to his senses in a few months, but it know that's very unlikely and at least I am no longer asking him all the time. I do recommend NC as far as you can bearing in mind you have DC, although you still feel desperately lonely and hurt, you are not getting constantly kicked in the teach every time you contact him and it seems most people'
s advice is that you recover more quickly.
If you want to contact me, please do. You know I won't judge you for being too weak or tell you there is someone else. I will understand every bit of weakness and all the tears and despair.
Love and hugs to my fellow lost soul xxxx

One small possibility when you feel up to it. Have a look at Meetups.com. My H and I joined this before he left as we wanted to get to know people in neighbouring towns as we were thinking of moving. I had only been to one group dinner before he left, but made myself go to the two more that I had booked and it has been really nice. It is meant to be for people to make friends whilst doing something they like, but it is predominantly singles and I have found huge support from these people who have invariably been hurt. The women particularly have nearly all been left and are really sympathetic. It gives you something to look forward to and to dress up for. I went to one on Saturday night and although there were awful months like driving myself home alone and walking to the car in the dark alone, the dinner was lovely. If you want to look, it's on Meet ups.com look at the Brighton Dining With Friends group and there is a picture of us. There are lots of different groups like dog walking or spanish chat so there should be something you could try and because everyone who does it is there because they are lonely, they are really friendly and kind.

Sorry, moments, not months.
Ps Meetups are all over the country.

cant - things will get better I promise. I have been to hell and back in the past two years since I had the "I dont love you any more" speech. He announced this right out of the blue one Feb evening in 2012. We had a good life, friends, family, home, the works. I was devastated. He was everything to me. He cited a load of bizarre reasons why he had to go. None of these things had ever seemed to be a problem before... he never once tried to make things better, just walked out.

He did come back after I begged him. He stayed for six weeks, during which time I was walking on eggshells, trying to be the perfect wife so that he didn't leave me again. lots of sex, because he said we weren't having enough (2-3 times a week wasn't enough according to him), being sweetness and light all the time because he said that I was mean to him. and all the time, being terrified that he would leave again... which he did, six weeks later.

It was an awful time looking back on it. I was so desperate for him to stay that I totally demeaned myself. When he left for the second time, I came onto MN to ask how to "win him back". When I mentioned the fact that he had turned to his best mates wife for support, texting her all day every day, everybody shouted OW. I denied it, I argued against it. My H wouldn't do that to me I said... she is married to his best mate I said..... I still tried to win him back against all advice. and everybody was still there for me, when he treated me like shit and it was really over. You are not foolish, you are exactly like I was, desperate to do anything to save your marriage to the man that you loved beyond reason.

Two years on, OW has left her H, his best mate, and is living with my H. They are still denying that they are anything more than friends, despite evidence proving otherwise.

Whether or not there is OW in your case, only time will tell. You mention that you were childhood sweethearts and married young. Sometimes in cases like this, the partner who leaves, has simply had enough of "dull" married life, starts to go out with friends, realises that there is fun to be had outside of family life and they leave for that reason. An expanded social life, does also of course give opportunity to meet OW. My XH developed feelings for OW, so therefore decided that he had no feelings for me, rather than do something about it. So only time will tell what is happening in your situation, but you do need to keep an open mind. Whatever the reason, your H is being very selfish because he is putting himself first and got caring about what you or the DC want or need.

I was with XH for ten years and I lost my own identity when I was with him. I had put him before my friends, because I felt that my place was at home with my husband and child. I felt so alone when he left and my life spiralled into a deep depression. It took me a long time to get out of it, but I got there eventually. I am now reasonably happy most of the time, seeing somebody new and have a decent life. I still see my friends though. I will never again make a man the centre of my universe.

you have had some good advice on here, from a lot of people who have been in the same situation as you. It is heartbreaking, it is devastating and you think that you will never get over it, but you will.

"I will probably have to bare the brunt of his new found anger but i want to be able to hold my head high and know i didnt do anything wrong."

Cantty, no you won't! Because he has NO REASON to be angry with you and you will not allow him to focus any misplaced anger on you. Now you can hang up the phone, ask him to leave, or tell him to put a sock in it if he starts in on you in any way. That power is now YOURS. Remember that. It may be just one teeny bit of power for you in this mess, but do seize on it and remember it!

At this point, you are going to have to start letting go, as hard as that sounds. Part of it will be realizing that you no longer have any control over how he feels because he has no consideration for how you feel. Therefore, you need have no compunctions about doing what is best for you & DCs without ANY regards to how it will affect him. That includes the house. You need to do whatever you need to do in order to be sure that you keep the house AND have sufficient income to run it, even if it means that H couch surfs or eats nothing but tinned beans until your youngest is 18! You aren't doing this to hurt him, you are doing it for your children! That's the noblest cause of all & anything you do for them is never wrong (well, short of murder!).

You are on the road to acceptance. I can see it, even if you can't. It may be two steps forward, one step back for awhile, but even that is still progress.

I'll say again, please do try to seek out new friends. I know it probably seems like the last thing you want to do, get dressed and socialize, but it really will be the best thing for you. Even if you don't want to confide the whole sorry situation, it will still be someone to chat with if only about weather, fashions, & telly shows. You need to start getting out other than work & children's things.

You are still in my prayers.

Strange day. Went to work and stayed away from the hospital. Work friends said i seemed a bit more like ' me ' today which is a positive i suppose. I got a phone call from MIL mid afternoon asking when i had last visited H. I told her the truth that i hadnt visited over the weekend and that i had made the decision to stay away. H has apparently refused all visitors, texting all telling them not to come including MIL. She told me he has got really angry, a quite type of anger. Im not sure if this is a reaction to our last conversation or not or if he thinks im keeping the DC from him? I dont know if H is getting better or not and i am concerned about him. Dont get me wrong im sticking by my guns but i did think H would recover soonish.

What would you do in my situation?

If you want to visit him then do, but don't be under any illusion about anything. You need to remain distant from him in order to protect yourself. He can't have it both ways. He either wants you in his life or he oesnt. He can't just use you while he is feeling low.

you have to do what u think is right for your and DC long term future to help to get u there. and honestly I think that is not to go. let dcs contact him by all means but u facilitate that not be part of it.

He told you not to come. You told him you wouldn't.

I don't get how this info (from your stirring mil!) changes anything...

Does he want me in his life? Intereesting really. He doesnt want me as his wife or his lover. He wants me as a friend only because im the mother of his children apparently! I dont want to fall out but with the way ive been treated and continually treated in reality this is not going to happen. He seems to have reacted badly to our last conversation and whilst i appreciate he is very unwell ( and i do care alot) he cant have it both ways. I am concerned about his mental state.

Please stay away for your our sanity. You really sound stronger, I'm impressed.

He may be regretting everything let him. let him miss you, let him miss what he had.

But please don't hope.... you are worth so much more.

I think that you are worth your weight in gold and I am a stranger over the internet so if your H can't see that than more fool him.

Just wondering but you sound more in control..is that how you now feel after making the choice to stay away?

johnfarley

I told him i wasnt going to visit any more the very next day he text me to ask me to visit over the weekend to which i replied repeating i was not coming anymore. He has now contacted everyone telling them not to visit. I have a feeling he has flipped and am not sure how to handle it. Im concerned that his reaction could hinder his recovery.

Oh cant sorry but please don't worry about him this is what is known as emotional blackmail. He is throwing his toys out the pram LET HIM step back. He is upset that you are no longer dancing to his tune.

Sorry I know I sound blunt but this is the first time I've heard you sound "more" (you). You are doing so well don't get sucked back in.