Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Canttyope feel your big sisters here helping you to stand strong.

Holiday tan and him getting irritated and aggressive with you!! Who was he on holiday with? Is he really the type to go abroad on his own?

Yes the big sisters are here and I'm fucking scary if I need to be when I read about his tan, my mouth went Into a grimace involuntarily!

Don't forget the thread I link to, it's just for you.

Absolutely devestated. Trying to cope best i can. Still cant quite believe this has happened. He has made any onward relationship very very hard. How do you go from best friends to nothing overnight? No warning, no real explanation.

My dc are suffering. Ds not sleeping well, quiet and sad. He keeps checking im ok, he is just 8 yrs old bless! DD is ok most of the time but is ignoring her dad when she sees him. Both of them are awkward around dh. Ive reassured them 'we' will be ok, daddy loves them but made a choice.

Dh (why am i still using that term!) is obviously feeling sorry for himself. He doesnt know what to do or say. He doesnt want to look bad in the dc eyes. Even if there is no one else he has dealt with this in the worst possible way.

Right now taking a deep breath and counting to three. Trying to be strong.

So sorry this has happened. Wish I could buy you some

PLEASE stop making excuses for him though . . . " He doesnt know what to do or say." . . . yes he DOES. He knew to book TWO holidays with money that should be supporting his children and he knew to say NOTHING to you about it.

And now he's "implying it's all over" again to threaten you. He's saying "I spent our DCs money on a holiday with God-knows-who and if you challenge me about it, it's over."

PLEASE see how he is trying to threaten you with the end of the relationship if you don't let him piss all over you.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1995555-I-did-this-before-but-lets-do-it-again-today

Make up cup of tea and read this, I started it for you.

As if looking hang dog helps. You have been a tower of strength for your DCs OP.

Thanks Ledka, i hope to add at some of my own in time! X

My life was turned upside down 7 weeks ago today... Wish i could shift the dead feeling within. So so tired. Emotions everywhere.

Cant you are doing great. Honestly. Looking after the DC (because their other parent is an abject failure on that score) and doing your job diligenty. You are keeping going, putting one foot in front of the other and that's all anyone can ask for right now

But the fog will lift. It will. And slowly slowly you will start to come alive again. Promise.

You are strong...absolutely amazing. I have no advice just wanted you to add to the support you already have. You will get over this and be stronger than ever. Your DH (and I use the term loosely) will never compare...he can escape his family set up but not himself...he has to live with his own failings and lack of integrity. Out of the bad good things come. Once you get angry you'll be a force to be reckoned with. xx

Mate he is being a complete bastard - if he were anyone elses husband doing this you would see it quite clearly, it is time to stop making excuses for him.

His behaviour is hurting his children...and he shrugs his shoulders. This is not something which is happening to him, this is something he is choosing to do

He needs to be supporting his family then deciding what to do in his single life with what funds are left It is not up to you to be making yourself ill trying to make ends meet - if he will not ensure you have sufficient funds then I am afraid you are going to have to go through the formal process to ensure he is made to. I know you are still hoping to reconcile and dont want to rock the boat but a decent man would be ensuring his children were financially and emotionally supported and would not be leaving the country without letting you know - what the hell would have happened if you had been unwell and needed his support?

Personally I feel bad for you and would love to give him a swift kick in the nads.

Yes he has treated me with contempt. And, i feel like ive been his and his mothers joke, he had apparently called her xmas eve/early hours xmas day pissed telling her he was unhappy etc (she was slso unawares), her responses was to talk it over tommorrow! So in due course he sits me down 10.30am xmas day saying he has loads of problems right now and i dont love you anymore! Then i had to entertain the entire day as i was host! She was also in on his next lie, giving a fishy but just about believable excuse for a working week away, erm abroad! Toxic is the word for this woman.

Dh? And i were at an ok place the weekend before he swanned off to wherever he landed. The lie has got me down so much. I dont trust him, hes lied to me and the kids, im thus lying the kids so dad doesnt look bad! I even asked him no more secrets before he left, he lookef me in the eye and agreed.

He wanted it amicable (obviously i do too) for the kids sake but he destroyed any chance he may of had by his lie and arrogance. Did he not think i would find out? Im square damn on the bottom line of his list of priorities and compassion. Im sure we can get to a much less negative feeling in the ait but i need time as i cant see forgiving thst easily. Again it so hard when we had been best friends for 15 years and overnight he cuts me out.

Yes, i had the i walked out on you , i didnt walk out on the kids speech. Same thing???

Well hes certainly feeling sorry for himself, tail slightly between legs and a painful effort of small talk. The kids being awkward and uninterested when he came by did his im a wonderful dad label no favours. Bet, hes at mil home having his back patted and hand held, ego stroked and dangerously any innocent comments from me twisted to paint a different picture!

Cant I think you need to take control of this situation. He should be seeing the dc regularly, this gives you time to think too. Tell him he needs to have them every other weekend. You need money for them and time to recover

You then use this time to sleep, go out with friends, whatever you need to do. This is the start of you rebuilding your life. You need to do this whatever happens

He's being a cunt. You have to out a stop to that sooner rather than later

Yes your right. We have no real routine anymore. Our old one ran like clockwork! Hes been coming over once in the week and saturdays to see them. He cant have them overnight as he is kipping pn his mums sofa. So thats a no go for me. Besides im not happy about his planned ideas for residency. Im suspicious, having them over once or twice reduces csa payments.

oh sweetheart. I have just read your thread tonight and am so sorry you are going through this. Your x sounds so incredibly selfish and self entiltled. My ds dad (I will not call him DH, now known as FW (fuckwit) is claiming poverty but bought a land rover. new clothes, trying to book holiday, laptop, since our split 2 weeks before xmas. Makes your blood boil. Think you need to find the rage now. no more excuses.

Cant he didn't go on holiday wth his mom! He lied about the holiday and is therefore mor ethan capable of lying about lots and lots of other stuff. He is lying to you daily.

Dolly is right. He needs to man up to his parental responsibilities. Not when he decides he's ready. NOW

Twat. I'm so fucking angry with him on your behalf

The thing is you can't stop this from happening but you can minimise its impact on the children. So he s doing the hangdog "I want to be a good dad" act. Good dads don't just turn up with a bag of haribo when it suits then - kids eventually see through the "fun parent" shit.

He was your best friend, he probably was a nice person, but we are all constantly evolving "works in progress" some people grow and evolve into rounded responsible adults and some mutate into irresponsible self centered twats... Unfortunately at the moment you have drawn the short straw with him.

You cannot change who he has become, you will make yourself and the children very unhappy if you try to. What you can do is say "enough is enough" and take Control now. I don't think any of us are saying its easy, (I can still remember the pain even though it was a whole other lifetime ago) but he really isn't as necessary to your life as you currently feel he is.

I agree with dolly in that he should be having the children not just visiting.

Fuck him and his holidays and drinking and life of sodding Riley.
If he really can't have them for long periods (because he spent the money he could have used for a hotel on a two holidays) then get out for the day when he visits. Go shopping, cinema, meet friends do whatever.

Get to CSA while he has no outgoings and get a hefty payment, that will reduce the selfish bastards expendable income.

Time to stop feeling bereft and start feeling angry, look how he has upset your children much more than a normal break up would because of his total self centred ness.

You need to minimise the damage he has done now by making life a bit happier for them and show them you are strong and they can rely on you.
Ultimately you are the one who will pay the price should this effect them long term and you will be a lone parent of troubled teenagers which isn't easy

I bolded that because I feel it's so important long term.

But it didn't work

I don't think he necessarily has another woman, Lot's of people leave their partners at Christmas, statistics show this. My friend left her fiancé on boxing day, not because there was someone else, but because she had been secretly unhappy for a long time.
I don't think there is much hope of you getting back together though, I am sorry.
Please just try to keep yourself busy, see friends and get out as much as you can.Oh and eat, sounds daft but having no energy worsens your mood.

Now he's shown you the real him.

I've been waiting and waiting on this thread for the scales to fall from your eyes.

He's not the man you married, he's not your friend.

It's time to get those ovaries all steeled up!

Legal advice, financials photocopied for evidence etc. CAB and solicitor TODAY.

Where are your boundaries going to be? You pick them. YOU decide.

He walked out. You are the parent that stayed. Create your own nest for you and the DC. He needs to create his own. (With or without OW!)

He checked out on Christmas Day. You have a bit of catching up to do. But you will.

TAKE CONTROL

I too read the whole thread tonight. At least now you are angry and are not looking at him quite through rose tinted glasses.

He might be looking sorry for himself if he has an OW who is now having second thoughts. Even one who's married.
I simply do not believe he would leave a happy family home and his children to camp on his mother's sofa, without someone else in the wings.
It also accounts for why he gave up the rental idea and went on holiday instead.

You could shake him rigid by completing a divorce petition. It doesn't mean the end, just shows that you are in control. It's a good feeling, believe me. No more waiting in a self imposed Limbo.

You said he started his own business, so is self employed? If so, make sure you have copies of his accounts.
And eat something! Mashed potato, rice pudding, anything, before you become ill.

Oh blue, the idea if going to the CSA while he has no outgoings actually made me do a little gleeful chuckle. Genius!

Do it Can't. Do it with a song in your heart. If the feckless idiot can afford to go on 2 foreign holidays he can afford to take responsibility for his kids

Hope you're ok today. Have you had any breakfast?!?

Every example I see of someone not leaving home for another, just that they were unhappy, turns out to be female. Whereas most men tend not to jump unless they have somewhere soft to land.

You don't want your kids to stay at his mums because they would be 'camping out' a bit?

You don't want the kids to stay at his because it would mean a reduction in your CSA payments?

Your 8 year old is checking up on you to make sure you're all right?

Is there any chance at all that you could get relationship counselling for yourself to try and minimise the effect that this situation will have on your children?