Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Did you read the thread amazing there are other reasons why the op doesn't want her dc at her mils.

I skim read the thread and didn't read anything that would be a good reason to prevent access like that. Maybe I missed something.

The mother sounds a bit toxic, I'm all for advocating good contact but I must admit I'd think twice before allowing my already upset dc to go there as it doesn't sound as if it would be the impartial nurturing environment they so need at this time.
I was a smiling fool when my cheating ex was around, I was determined to minimise the impact on my children thus avoiding challenging behaviours when they were older.

U ok cant?

I don't think it's anything unusual for DCs to try and comfort the resident parent. OP didn't say she is using DC1 as a crutch. Counselling may well be useful later but for now she has enough on her plate keeping things going.

So far H has been having a pity party at MIL's home and abroad and unless MIL has offered any practical help with the DCs that OP hasn't mentioned, it is early days to firm up access arrangements while H is off on his solo voyage of discovery and being evasive.

How are you canttypefortears?

Sorry to bang on about this but as you know I am one of those who thinks there is an OW.

I think I can tell you something about her: She likes holidays and travelling, I'd go as far as to say she likes nothing more than to book something on the spur of the moment. He finds this exciting, because you can't do this when you have young children. He has booked a holiday for them (in his sister's name) but he is still feeling a little staid and middle-aged by comparison when she whisks him off for a romantic city break which makes him feel like a jet setter. So he has been telling her that the reason he hasn't travelled more is his boring old wife. He has told her he wanted to emigrate but you wouldn't allow it. That's why he threw that crap about you about wanting to move abroad and you not entertaining the idea, and you were so puzzled because he never really mentioned it - he is rewriting history for the OW,he is trying to make himself sound more of a risk-taker, less of a homebody, less of a family man, more of a pioneering spirit. He is trying to be the sort of man she wants.

My guess is: She loves spur of the moment travelling, she either has no children or has grown up children, she is a friend of your MILs and that's how he met her.

I am sorry to post this and I do hope I am wrong but the more I read, I can see this woman.

I agree with BalloonSlayer - the rewriting history is spot on, and textbook, sadly.

Balloon so many presumptions there - I am not sure how that helps the OP.

You may be right about her. You could be totally wrong.

I for one think there is an OW. But not sure how profiling her helps :/ Hopefully the truth will come out.

Hope you're okay OP.

I did say I hope I am wrong. I guess that it's because many years ago I was in a similar position, and had all the denials, and I gave up and believed him . . . I SO wish someone had been on my side pointing out the obvious and encouraging me to persist and get proof about the OW.

But you are right of course, patience. Do you think I should ask for that post to be deleted?

Sorry, Canttype

No, I wouldn't think you should delete. You are on OP's side and just trying to help.

I've said all along there's nothing to gain from pushing the ow point. I feel cantype has more than enough to be dealing with for now.

The man is clearly a complete twat of the highest order with or without and ow, personally the ow was at least a reason for my ex to abandon me and his four children, rather than just "because"

I'm worried that op hasn't been back

Hope you are ok Cantty

Cantty, I've been out of town and am SO sorry to come back and read about what has happened. I hope you are OK. Remember that we here care about your welfare and want to know how you are doing.

Please take care of yourself. Seek help if you need it. You are in my prayers.

Cant, come back and tell us you are ok.

You are in my prayers too, cantty. HOpe you're ok, lovely xx

Hey can't just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you xx

Hey can't are you ok? You've been really quiet these past few days. Please come back and tell us how you are

I'm hoping that she has gone away for half term, wasn't there some talk of a booked holiday?

cant even if you've got back together, don't worry it's none of our business but let us know u are ok.

Bump in case it falls off active

I hope she does come back and just give a small update. You've given her so much great support and advice.

really hope you are doing ok cantty. xx

Hi,

Sorry girls! Courtesy of the bank of mum and dad ( who are really worried about me) i managed to get a last minute half term break away with the kids. I will not be able to do it qgain any time soon though!

After my so called DH returned from his one week jaunt away and knowing he goes abroqd again in a fortnight, i was like two can play that game. The only difference was i told him where we would be. I also answered his texts when he asked after the kids (well once). He never ever asks about my well being.

The holiday was good for the kids. Unfortunately hellish for me. I just wanted to come home, got more and more stressed. Time was at a standstill. I did put a bit of weight back on though!

My problem is the not knowing or understanding. I have defended him on here and in RL where at all possible. Deep down i know he has been beyond cruel. I know he has made no effort. I know he teased me about coming home. I also know i still love him. I know that until i can let go and get angry and i mean really angry i cant move forwards. At the moment my anger is fuelled by upset.

Im still unsure about someone else. Although im convinced hes had his head turned by the prospect. All these next stages really get at me, im worried about how i will react.

He (without exaggeration) is going to be nothing without me. The grass certainly will not be greener for him. Ive just got to convince myself the grass will be lush for me!

Sorry if i worried you all.

Just been catching up on all your helpful posts.

Amazing- Hi, i have no problem with contact its just residency issues. He split our family up without reason or explanation. He has no official abode as we speak. Our children should not be forced to sleep on a sofa/floor on a regular basis. The mil has over the years caused loads of problems between herself and hubby and i. Husband and i always backed each other. MIL has never shown any interest in the kids. My husband has suggested he wants the kids to stay over twice a week, yet he has only seen them 8 times in 6 weeks? I have at no point used the DC against him. I have not stopped him from seeing them whenever he wishes. I havent told them daddys a liar etc. My son in particular has sensed that i am down and has in himself decided to become man of the house, bless him. I do not use my kids as a crutch. My husband has said 'i walked out on you not my kids", so where is he? Hes gone from being No 1 dad to the worst i know overnight. He is off the radar.

Balloon- actually your profiling has made me think. No offence taken. If anything comes to light i will let you know.

Thanks all!

Hi can't, I'm glad you are ok and back here safely.
Ill come back later as dealing with early waker here!
Anger is good, even though it may not feel like it, you are onto the next level now.

Hello Can't. I too am glad to see you back safe and sound

As for the next stages, practice your steely ice maiden face. No matter what you feel on the inside, that is all he sees. If you know that's how you're going to react to anything he says, it saves you having to worry aout it now if you know what I mean. Like having a prepared answer to anything he tells you: steely coldness. Sob and snot afterwards when he's gone. But maintain an icy dignity to him. If nothing else it'll really throw him and piss him off that you are not pleading for him to come home / fallen to pieces without him / a pushover.

You are doing great. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and you will get there xx