Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

OP I really hope you do find some anger in you. That will also help with the not-eating, not-sleeping - taking back control, over your own body.

A PP said 'he is calling all the shots' and she's right, he is. How much longer are you going to let this excuse-for-a-dh control you and your DC?

I don't care if he's had a 'breakdown' or doesn;t know 'what he wants' - that's not your problem. You don't need to go for divorce, but you do need to sort out the dc and yourself.

Tell him that you don't care what else he does, but he IS going to see the dc once a week (AND keep them away from the MIL!) AND he IS going to pay proper maintenance to the dc, regardless of what he needs his money for. Money for DC comes first. He shrugs 'so what' about his DC feelings - but he still has to pay maintentance for them.

Oh and the 'he wouldn't have time', 'we were best friends', 'he jsut wouldn't' - he could. Another Poster on here thought her DH was a fine upstanding man, he looked down his nose at those who had affairs - till, guess what? He found the time, and of course, his affair was different. Not sordid like everyone elses, no this was a true love, and of course he'd been unhappy for ages with his DW, of course, so he had to follow his heart off to the OW....

OP - you keep saying you've lost 3stone in 6 weeks. Is that actually possible - or have you been losing before the big announcement? Did you kindof know/suspect? Were you already knocking yourself out over him?

Re the not eating etc, I think if you are caring for children you have a duty to try and keep yourself well, I've looked after mine through divorce, cancer and most recently major surgery, much as I'd have liked to regret to bed I couldn't and didn't because some of the time I was a lone parent and even when I wasn't my husband still had to work.

Try to see it as a. It like an illness and take some control of your health, if you really have lost that much weight and are still not eating, it's a matter of time until you collapse or become extremely ill and then who will look after the children?

Mentally and emotionally you will also cope better if your health is in tact, I lost shed loads too afterwards and found eating impossible' I used to force myself to eat some yogurt or a biscuit and one day I cooked a pork chop at midnight because I fancied it.

Lack of nourishment will affect your mental ability as well as make you an insomniac, something carby before bed will help you to sleep.

Please take control of this, you mention it often and I'm wondering if you are in some way hoping that I'd he sees you very thin he will reconsider and that's not a healthy state of mind to be in.

Ledker I just came here to say the same thing.

I am going to say this quite bluntly OP and I hope you don't get upset about it.

Your "D"H doesn't care if you are thin. Or ill. Or gaunt. If he cared about you , he would not have done what he did on Christmas day and continues to do now. No amount of making yourself ill and thin will make him want to come back. In fact, it might do the opposite.

He only cares about himself. And I can bet my last cent he's not making himself ill over this

Be kind to yourself OP getting ill would benefit no-one.

"If it goes .my way, I will be the happiest girl"

Will you be, though? Really? How long before the doubts creep in, the resentment that you're tying yourself up in knots trying to be super-wife in order to stop him from walking out again?

There's nothing like the 'heartbreak diet' though. It is very powerful. I had it once - relatively minor heartbreak compared to this - and simply couldn't eat for a week. Ony a week though, which indicated the depth of heartbreak.

Do try though cantty. As others are saying, you can't get too ill xx

my appetite completely went too and I did lose weight but not as drastic. I can, still over 8 months since it all hit the fan, take or leave most meals but I know its unhealthy and I'm trying to eat better as I eat way too much rubbish instead of meals. but I need to eat to function in my care of dcs, my own happiness and future and my job. so I make or remind myself to. you must as well.

I think we should all go round to cants house with Sousa no casseroles.

I lived on wine and Marlborough lights for a few weeks! It's mostly the adrenaline that makes you lose weight btw, when that goes the anxiety goes to.

How are you getting on the canttypefortears?

Ledkr, I am still living on wine and Marlborough lights. The adrenaline had me (the laziest woman on earth) JOGGING!!!! I just could not sit still or focus.

He might not be seeing some OW. There's no need to force the issue. The poor woman has and is considering it but doesnt need it shoving in her face!

I can see from your posts OP that your a very nice woman and that your suffering enormously due to your husbands behaviour but bless you, none of us know what tomorrow will bring.

I really hope it all works out for you and your dcs

Bit of a drama im afraid. Found out dh has gone abroad without telling me! He was supposed to be away working. I thought the reason he gave was a bit fishy. I dialled his mobile from a with held number and got an abroad ring tone. I called on my mobile, he answered knowing the game was up. He said he didnt want to hurt me but was getting away from it all so he could think. He is back now, and that phone call was the only contact made.

We saw each other today. He was surprised i was so upset. He tried to take me for a fool, hes got a tan for gods sake! I asked what would have happened if something was up with the kids etc. I told him it was the deceipt that got to me the most. He led me to believe he was going to give us another go (yes i know its a bit told you so !). He is annoyed that i found out and got irritated and aggressive in his manner.

He knows where i am all the time because of work and kids routines and i now have no idea where he is. His mother was in on the lie. Makes my blood boil!

Although i knew he was.probably lying from the off, i still thought/hoped he would come through the other side. Im still unsure about an ow (yes still!) as he obviously been boozing hard and was a bit battered as if hes been fighting a brick wall. Again out of character. He clearly hasnt cleared his head. He is running away from something but what? I dont think its really me, he is/has screwed up and as others said re-wrote history.

He has implied its over again. He is also back on holiday next month (the one i mentioned up thread). Im left with the kids, work and a household to run! He is not the man i knew, or loved so i cant waste myself any longer. Sadly im going to have to move on. Its very very difficult as i love/d the dh i knew deeply and thought he was true to his word.

Now time for my beautiful kids, hope ive got the strength to deliver. Better try and eat!

He is not the man i knew, or loved so i cant waste myself any longer.

Write this down and keep it on you at all times.

When you feel yourself wobbling, read it.

You are doing so well, and no one would ever say that they told you so. You have been very brave in wanting to try again and trying to forgive which is never the easy option, despite what many people think. Its far easier to walk away than stay and fight, but you tried your damdest and I admire you for that.

You know now that you gave it your best shot, but you couldnt do it alone, it takes 2 to save a marriage. Sadly (for him more than you or the DC), he wasnt up to the challenge. You can do better than him, but he will never ever do better than you.

Oh Can't that must've been a bitter bitter blow

At least you know for certain now that he is a liar. And don't forget he presumably used family money to swan off abroad. Will you and the DC be getting a foreign holiday this year? Let alone two!

But look at your reaction. Quiet dignified determination. Tap into that and use it to move forward with the DC. Your are right, he is not the man you fell in love with, he checked out months ago

We are all right behind you xx

I'm so sorry. you do and will have the strength. see this as a turning point in it all. a time to gather your thoughts and start a new reality. and in time you will laugh and enjoy it again.
you may always be sad that it ended and angry too but I hope you will see there is a way forward. you will be happy.
so many good wishes being sent to you

Hope you are OK this morning Cantty.

So

sorry posted too early....

So, he's having two foreign holidays in a month, whilst you and the DCs are trying to cope with the devastation he has left behind.

Please go and see a solicitor now, you don't have to start divorce proceedings, but you could have a formal separation agreement drawn up which can include interim financials to give you some financial security.

How old are your DCs? Did he see them yesterday?

A turning point indeed. What a selfish, selfish man.

NOW will you get decent maintenance for the dc? Will you get help with their day-to-day lives? He cannot absolve himself of all responsibility to them, whilst jetting off all the time. Did he go with anyone, I wonder???

Good luck, canttype.

you deserve so much better - I hope you now sort out the financial side of things, and also when he will have set contact with the children - but not in your home. I think he has or has had an OW and the guilt is destroying him. But then I am v cynical.

Fucking hell! He's some kind of bastard isn't he?

Well done though for seeing through it, you will find things start to improve now you have the measure of him.

Can I suggest you get legal stuff moving and get some bloody decent money from a man who can afford two foreign holidays a month.
He also needs to be taking some responsibility for childcare in some way.

My ex kept going abroad too, it's like they are fucking celebrating being single grrrrrr.

With your new weight loss and BACKDATED TAX CREDIT take yourself off for a few new clothes even from primark, have a new haircut or colour, it will really help you.

Don't be too sad, instead look forward to your new lovely life.
The world is your oyster now just you and your kids, who knows what the future holds.

Sending you a massive unashamed hug.

Deceitful and entitled behaviour from him. You don't have the luxury of swanning off, being a responsible parent and all. Whatever his gripe with you, he has dodged any thoughts of his DCs. And you had MIL pegged didn't you.

Sorry OP. You have kept faith so long but were right, he acts like a stranger

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1995555-I-did-this-before-but-lets-do-it-again-today

cant I started this thread for you to read later.
Hope it will help.

I hope you can get angry with this twat who has abandoned you and the children. Who lies and spends his children's money on foreign holidays. (2 holidays - fuck that!)

More than that, I hope you will be proud of how you've coped in the face of all this adversity. You've got up every morning and seen to your children, you've carried on going to work, you've been wonderful, a REAL parent, not like him, the twat, who seems to think he can waltz in and out of their lives.

So sorry canttypefortears, that must have been a blow.

He's certainly acting quite a bastard