Afraid and alone, cant stop crying

[canttypefortears]

Hi

My always loving DH gave me my christmas present by uttering the words 'i dont love you anymore!'. It was straight after our kids had finished opening their pressies do no drink involved.

We were first loves, marrying at 20 years old. We were to celebrate our 15 th wedding anniversary shortlt. We have two beautiful kids and a lovely home. We do OKish financially but manage to do some nice things together.

I have always been content just to be with dh, he was my best friend. Ive had no problem if he wants to socialize with his mates. I thought we were happy.

I thought i coyld read him like a book when he was grumpy we all knew about it!

When he said thosr words i knew instantly he meant it. He wouldnt joke about this. I crumblef and remained a wreck for nearly 2 weeks. I couldnt get out of bed, sleep or eat. The physical pain of heart break is sickening. I managed to keep him at home for a fortnight.

He eventually packed and left two weeks ago. I didnt want him to leave. I asked what i gad done, he said its me not you, i just dont feel anything. I asked why he said he just has nothing left. I just dont understand. I have asked and asked but iv had nothing!

When he left he told the kids, who were beside themselves, packed nearly everything and went to stay at a mates ( although i canr be sure). He never answers his phone or text and im really worried for him and us. He contacts when he wants to see the kids.

He is very distant and has come to me and asked me to sell and divorce. He only told me 'we' had problems 3 weeks earlier! Im in shock and never saw this coming.

My dh is a stranger, its as if he isnt the man i knew. He has started being agressive towards me, as if i caused a problem and flinches if i put my hands on him, almost .like i suddenly repulse him. In reality i had no idea he had problems or was unhappy. He never voiced them if so. The only thing i can think of was he wasnt sleeping well. Ive thought of all scenarios. But maybe i should conclude im unloveable.

We are mediating next week as i cant go on. It is making me ill, stress and not eating ( the weight ive lost in 3 weeks is unbelievable! I need to be my kids mum again.

Any advice would be much appreciated, things have gone too far but i would have him back in a heartbeat.

Good for you Ledkr!

See OP - when you decide to be that strong, bubbly, switched on person that you know you can be, and will be again, things start to look up

Sitting around waiting, hoping, wondering, will kill you. It will drag you down. And it will NOT make him want to come back to you. I can 100% guarantee that.

It's not easy. It is probably the hardest thing I ever did. But you are stronger than you think. (Women so often are eh?) and you can do it. Inch by inch. Day by day you will start moving onwards and upwards until one day you'll say to yourself "Bloody hell! Look how far I have come!" (I still say that to myself sometimes!). There will be bad days (I still have them occasionally) but bloody hell the feeling of exhilaration you get from realising that you are actually OK, better than OK, without him is a real buzz!

OP remember on January 27th you told us what had happened after seeing the mediator. That post sums up the whole 6, 7 weeks.

We left and he said how was that for you? I looked at him and told him what do you think and started crying just a little. I told him it hurt being told time and time again that he doesnt love me. Doesnt he think i already know? He doesnt need to rub it in!

"How was that for you?" really quite breathtaking. For a man who deliberately times his bombshell for Christmas Day, par for the course - not in the least bit lovely.

Well he said lets sleep on it. I asked what choice he thought i had as this is the choice he has made. He agreed that i had none. I asked him about the damage this was causing to kids as well as me and i get a shrug of the shoulders!

So he had decided whatever the issue he had with you, the DCs could just lump it too. And ever since he has hardly bothered to keep seeing them, or reassuring them. That shrug of 'so what' was a dismissive giveaway gesture.

I asked about an ow and again he denied it. But im now guessing there is as he said when the time comes he just wont tell me?!

I am sorry, this just smacked of, he had already detached and like the "four years" of unhappiness he supposedly endured, he will pluck some figure out of thin air when he introduces OW to the situation, "I only met her x days'/weeks' ago".

"I suspect that he told cant on Christmas Day because he was upset at not being able to spend it with the OW"

Well if that's the case we can add spoilt and petulant to his list of crimes then.

I've come round to the general consensus, cant - an OW. Sorry.

What clinched it for me is him living 5 minutes away and not seeing the kids. Along with the shrug when you asked him about the kids (as for 'how was that for you' - the BASTARD). He is blocking off the consequences of what he's done. Sadly, there are many, many posters on here whose husbands/partners have left for an OW who previously held a rigidly moral stance about adultery.

btw, he won't see it as adultery. He will reconfigure it and call it something else. He's already gearing up for that by saying you'd been unhappy for 4 years - rewriting history.

Sorry, lovely xxxx

I also wonder if he wants the month to see how it pans out with her

yup - rewriting history. Mine declared undying love and how he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me - less than weeks later, OW emerged and he had been desperately unhappy for years - following a script much?

They all do - and I didn't want to believe it either, was so deluded. Now I see him for what he is, a feckless, lying piece of scum. His OW is welcome to him and his fake breakdown & depression.

Cantty, you've certainly gotten some first-hand advice! As you can tell, lots of women have (unfortunately) been where you are. And they have come out the other end with their dignity and their sense of self intact. You will, too.

I understand why you've given him until the end of February. It's because that's as fast as YOU are able to move. That date isn't really for him. It's for you, isn't it? I know you have said that you've prepared yourself, legally and financially. Good. But I think now you need to start preparing yourself mentally. Right now you are very busy trying to convince yourself that everything will turn out fine, that he will 'wake up'. Maybe he will, maybe not. Even if he does (which I really doubt, sorry), your relationship will have undergone such a drastic fracture that it will never been the same again. I've suggested before and I'll suggest again now; please seek some type of counseling. You need to learn the tools to deal with this situation. They will also give you the tools you need to enable you to help your children deal with this, too. It cannot be good for them to see you this way. And no matter how well you think you are hiding it, they know. Children always do.

Are you OK Can't? I hope we haven't driven you away xx

Thanks everyone.

Im seeing him again this week, and i will be asking where do we go from here. If i get nowhere i will continue on and get the ball rolling by the end of the month.

Its his attitude since leaving thats got me the most. If i had been a bitch, a nag or even ackward i would understand a little more. Im simply none of these, im not perfect but ive always done the best by my kids and man.

Lets see what this week brings. Im so so tired and rundown. Hardly look great when he comes over, but i am a size 10 now!

I know you are right in what you say. My state of mind is not good and im trying to be strong . Im still grieving what i had/lost and im well aware i may never get that back. Ive got that dead feeling in the pit of my stomach.

If this goes all the way which is likely ( whatever i hope) he is going to lose an awful lot. I dont think he has thought of the consequences.

He thinks he is immune Cant. That he can do what he likes, with no consequences. Look at how he continues to order you about.

He only cares about one person. Him. Not you. Not the kids. He only has his eye on the prize - his "freedom".

Well tell him that he can have it. With bells on.

When I told my ex that the game was up. That I knew everything and that I intended to tell all of our families and friends what he had done, he just could not believe that the worm had turned. And he got very very nasty then. So be careful. But strong and proud

And, last thing, eat something! yes I am your mother

I don't mean to upset you but I don't think you can rely on his claimed moral code. I have read so many threads on here where husbands have claimed this, only to go on and repeat their Fathers actions in the cruelest of ways.

How well do you know the sister he is going away with - would she be supportive of you or make things worse?

I was initially ambivalent about the likelihood of him having another woman but the longer this goes on with his lack of attempted communication the more I think it likely. He has to be filling all this free time somehow...I don't think on the whole men leave so easily unless they have something else going on (drink/drugs/gambling/women/men)

This week may be the end of the life you thought you were living but, as Ledkr proves, perhaps it may be the beginning of an even better life. I do appreciate it will not feel that way - it is such a Sharp overwhelming pain to be betrayed in this way.

It does make you stronger though when you realise that no matter how much you think you "can't live without" this person...it really comes down to the fact that you don't want to rather than cannot

Its difficult to take when my life felt pretty damn good anyway. I had the usual moans about work etc but nothing has ever got me down. Heres hoping this week proves to be the one where i move on with or without him. Im still on the fence about an ow but i know all the pointers are there.

He is quite close to his sister but again they have their moments. I get on finwe with her although again we see her rarely. Shes her brothers sister so i think she will be rubbing his back. I sometimes feel like the enemy.

And most women whose husband's have an affair are living what they think is a good life - that is why the discovery is so very devastating and so out of character for him too.

I assume i will find out at some point, either way. I would like to find out if its true because then i would understand more and probably become angry. I would never use the children in any way but i will always stand tall and say i did nothing wrong ( not that i have) it was their fathers choice to betray the family.

Its going to be an interesting week and probably an emotional one. I would like to find out whats been going through his head especially as we have gone nc too. Although who knows what he might tell me? I expect i will hear alot about his needs! Gosh, i really dont believe im talking about the man i knew a couple of months back!

Still feel very down but am trying to regain some control.

Think of us as big sisters, we have listened and sympathised but now we are telling you to get tough. We mean well.

It must be tough when there were no signs, I wasn't too happy in my marriage so although it stil came as a shock, on reflection it had been going wrong for years, we had grown apart and really led quite separate lives.

I know we asked befor but do you have some close friends, because they will be your salvation.

For what it's worth, last year I went on a mums net meetup and have met two of the best friends I have ever had so don't rule that out.

Big sisters! X

We had no problems, minor niggles but not deal breakers. We were best friends. We did everything together, but not in a sickly sickly way! Maybe we were too close. I JUST DONT UNDERSTAND!

I don't think it has anything to do with you, or with your relationship.

So many women have said on here that when their man actually stepped into adultery they changed into a completely different person, an entire personality transplant, unrecognisable. Your husband is showing all the signs - an idiot, entirely [wilfully?] blind (the 'how was that for you' illustrates this; shrugging his shoulders re the kids). As one poster memorably put it: he's gone over to the dark side. I can't think of a more apt description, particularly when you're on the end of it. It is savage my darling, like he's gone off on a spaceship.

It's a separate thing he's done, though - nothing to do with you, everything to do with him.

In the end Can't, I just had up accept that I would never understand why. He round never tell me the truth. And to be brutally frank, knowing the truth wasn't going to change a damn thing anyway. I was still going to be alone and heartbroken.

It took me about 9 months to realise t as I'm slow on the uptake that IT DOESNT MATTER. I still shout that to myself (sometimes out loud) if I catch myself starting to obsess again.

Are you in bed? Have you eaten something nutritious? You need to look after yourself. For the kids sake

This is the problem, they change beyond all recognition, practically overnight. My ex did. Think I spent two years saying 'I don't understand' before I came to terms with the fact that I never would. There was an OW. Very very similar circumstances to your story - he was my best friend, in fact we were very close friends before we even started a relationship.

It took him about four weeks of disappearing before he admitted there was an OW, I had no idea. Couldn't believe my wonderful husband would do that - we were happy. But he did and he had changed overnight. He only told me because her husband had found out and threatened to tell me. Lots of fall out and I took him back. Then several months later found out he was still seeing the OW. So, I divorced him and got some control back. And of course, it wasn't as simple and easy as that at the time, so I do know how you feel. My turning point was getting angry - and I got very very angry with the tosser!!

We are all here for you and thinking about you this week.

Fat fingers again sorry ! Actually my wedding band keeps slippung off ive lidt do

Oops and oops again. Fat fingers again sorry. Actually my wedding band keeps slipping off ive got so skinny! Yes in bed, no not eating got no appetite. Unfortunatelty got a physically and mentally draining and cold job, so not great conditions to work feeling as i do. As i said earlier i am under my gp at the moment.

Nervous about how the week will pan out. If it goes .my way, i will be the happiest girl (although it wont be easy). Or if not he is going to have one scorned ,formerly kindly ,innocent and lovely ex to contend with. Hes going to get it full throttle if he doesnt come clean, whatever he is hiding will surface at some point.

Could you cope with some kind of nutritional shake/juice? At least perhaps take a multi-vit/min to protect your bod a bit. Could you try a slice of banana, a few nuts... or perhaps 'nursery food' eg mashed potatoes, fish fingers, sausages - even if just a mouthful. One poster on here in the same situ could only manage weetabix, though not a whole one to begin with. xx

Thanks for your concern! Im trying but really cant stomach anything. I can literally feel myself droping weight as if the stress is eating me up inside. Not sleeping doesnt help either, on sleeping tabs but 3.15 am and still awake, school run and then work for 10 hours in less than 5 hours [humm]

So concerned what the future holds for the kids and i, he seemed genuine last week about his intentions towards starting over. Ive got a gut feeling things arent going to go well this week after all....

Well, the wee dark hours are not known to be the time for rational thought!

I do hope you got some sleep. has the gp put you on ADs? You know that they get the feelgood brain chemicals firing again, which have been depleted/turned off by constant adrenalin, yes? ie not tranqs, not addictive, gives you yourself back, not a false or drugged self. (sorry about that lecture)

I do feel for you cantty xxx