Too sensitive for AIBU...

[fackinell]

...but very gently, am I?

I posted earlier about my fantastic DP on MC thread but actually, if I'm not wrong, he's being a bit of a shit tonight.

I'm threatening MC (no3) Loss of pg symptoms, bleeding and cramps yesterday but its calmed down today. DSD 17 was supposed to be with us Tues and fri but decided last minute not to (these are her scheduled days. Welcome any other time too but tends to stick to her usual times.)

At lunchtime I asked DP if we had any plans today and was relieved we didn't as I feel like shit and want to just veg. DSD text at teatime to say she would like to stay tonight instead as she missed her days. I said that I really wasn't feeling up to seeing anyone and would it be ok on this one occasion to say not tonight, sorry. I was very nice about it but it doesn't matter who it is, I'm not feeling up to seeing anyone. After a massive argument he has stormed out. I think he may have told his DD the truth which I am totally pissed off about as her mum's family have had a go at me before for daring to be pg! So as not to drip feed, she left him years before we met.

Now I feel even more shit and stressed as he is furious at me. Is it so wrong to need time and space given the circumstances? I didn't suggest she not come round yesterday (but as I was feeling rubbish I was relieved she didn't.) I don't mess with her usual days, I just needed to feel crap tonight with DP knowing the situation and not make small talk.

Be kind please. After saying how wonderful he is I'm now thinking LTB! I agree his DD should come first but not at the detriment to me if there's a genuine reason.

Me too, I don't understand why you can't see new people as someone you may get on with. He said his ExW doesn't want him but doesn't want anyone else to have him. He said she seemed jealous that he'd moved on. DSD sees me as a threat, I think. I'm not, I have no interest in coming between her and her Dad, and I wouldn't respect him if he allowed that.

My uncle is very savvy. He's only a few yrs older and more like my brother. We grew up in the same house. I do listen to him and learn. He has a hugely successful business and has lots of good advice. I'm happy to stay a spinster (or Miss Havisham as my family like to call me.) Being a tie dye wearing, mad old cat lady is something of an ambition.

Thanks Mrs. I get that needing to be alone feeling each time. This one is proper dragging in though. I wish it would make its mind up either way. It's been on and off since Thursday now! Feeling drained.

Sorry for you losses. Seven must have been very hard on you emotionally and physically.

Being a mad cat lady is one of my actual ambitions. I'm part way there already .

yes, it was hard. We do have DD, so very lucky, but 2 really horrible MCs after her and I'm 42 so throwing in the towel, don't think either my body or my emotions could go through it again.

thanks for the .

my favourite aunty is a spinster and a top woman. No cats though.

Ahh I do have a penchant for eccentric people.
She sounds fantastic!

My first MC was the worst as I actually passed a perfectly intact sac and was excruciating when it detached. It was such a shock. No 2 was just a clot and kind of what you see with a heavy AF anyway. This one has yet to pass but it will, I can feel my uterus trying to let it go

I'm done too now. I gave it a good shot but enough already. I really want to see the world a bit more so shall focus on that and my career. There are so many other amazing things to do out there. It'll actually be a relief to stop the constant cycle of hope and disappointment. If we stay together, DSD will grow up soon and have her own life. I hope we still see her lots but I'll become less of an inconvenience, I'm sure. She's a smart girl and very creative. All this teenage angst will be channelled by Uni soon. ATM she's stuck between being a child and adult. Wanting to make her own decisions but still being told what to do to an extent. I remember it well.

flip, me too! Fun isn't it? I just need my London riverside town house now and I'll toast all the pub goers with my wine, as they pass by. While my 'brood' laze in the patio. I have it all planned. Who needs to be a yummy mummy anyway

Sounds good to me! Have some from a fellow cat person.

Back atcha! My life isn't complete without at least one. Have DSD's here too and love them both, even if mine is a violent little fecker at times! (He's only one.)

I'm so sorry about your previous mcs and the wait you are having to go through. I can't get my head around people saying you were unreasonable to want some peace and quiet and not have to deal with the emotional turmoil and selfishness of a typical 17 year old. Miscarriage is utterly vile and takes a huge amount out of you physically and emotionally. I mc in Feb last year and I was a complete mess. I'd rather go through my divorce again then that. The only person who could come near me was dh. It doesn't matter if it's 5 weeks or 5 months it is still devastating and you are entitled to your own space.

It's your dp whose attitude is concerning. I get he wanted to see his daughter and it's hard for the menfolk to see us suffering, but he has a very strange way of showing it. I see you've discussed this on your thread already and I have no wise words, just wanted to emphasise and say sorry you had to deal with that on top of your mc.

Why by the way is he so obsessed by projecting a perfect image? No family in the world is perfect!

YANBU, did you reply? That might be why he got upset (not justifying his storming about). Perhaps this is something you should've discussed first, then you could say sorry but I'm not up for seeing anyone, inc dsd. How do you think we can let her down gently. He may be concerned that dsd will now be more anxious about 'being replaced' by the new baby?

Try to stay calm. This is a highly emotional time. Try to explain how you feel and that you understand how he and dsd feel. But that you all need to take time to understand each other right now and going forward.

Hope things improve

YANBU

I had a mc, I know how you feel and I know you are not being unreasonable, there is no way in hell you are being difficult here.

Your partner is a prick, I agree with those who think you are to good for him because you are.

I'm sorry

Thank you, Living. It is horrible. I just feel knackered and achey. Sorry you had to go through it too.

We have discussed at least taking a few months off and just try to enjoy being a couple instead of baby making machines. Shall reschedule with the consultant and see what she suggests in case i feel up to trying later in the year when things habe settled (I doubt it though.)

I can't make decisions about ending it while going through this. We are fairly new in the relationship (just over 2yrs and having 3 MCs has put a lot of pressure on. I joke that he's boring and old before his time but the fact that I chat to everyone and their dog and love to socialise can't be easy on him when it's not his way. His Step Grandkids called him Grandad by the time he was 35! That couldn't have helped him feel young

We are usually a good match. We should spend a few mths just being a couple and take it from there. My work is set to take me off on a bit of travel so maybe I'll be glad of old grumpy drawers for some down time.

You put that so much better than I could, Thatisall! It would have sounded much better saying it your way.

DSD text her Dad so I didn't need to reply. She changed her no after being pushed into giving it to me and hasn't given me the new one.

Yes to letting things calm now. I'm looking forward to this year, there is a lot to look forward to.

Oh. Forgot to say, he told her I was unwell, not having a MC, thank goodness. I didn't want the others to know.

Thanks Cees, it's not nice, is it. Sorry you went through it too.

He knows he's done wrong, he's been pretty quiet and hasn't mentioned the argument again.

Fackinell always available to write soothing text messages haha! Just shout seriously though, it will be fine. Just stay calm and maybe next time you see her say something like "I wasn't feeling 100% and I want to be 100% when we see you and not 'waste the day' because I don't get to see you all the time". That way she knows that she's an important [art of this new family.

I think you were quite reasonable and to those looking outside in, this should not have caused world war 3.

HOWEVER, because this caused an upset between father and daughter, a family bond that you are not party of and a particular sensitive one at that, you are never going to get them to see your point of view. As far as daughter was concerned, you stopped her from seeing him. Her ears stopped listening after the word no. Same for your gl husband too.

I'm afraid this one IMO is not solvable. Suggest to let it go and pick your battles wisely. You come first. Have your hubby pay for a luxury spa break at your leisure or something which might make up or ease the hurt a little bit...when further down the line. Not saying buy you off but you will have your time. Let your hubby take care of baby and his daughter... I'm sure he'll be missing you then!!

Nice one, Thatisall. Can I put you on speed dial?

Oh that sounds good, Cookie. I could go a spa break

Yes, in the end I got my rest time and I'll let it go. She's not used to hearing no and he's not used to saying it. It's nice in a way because even though she doesn't know about the row, it looked like solidarity to her (her Dad voicing my needs) which is no bad thing. She will see he takes me seriously (even though to me, he wasn't) and see that it's not all about her all if the time.

My favourite little anecdote:
How many teens does it take to change a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? They'll just hold it up there and let the world revolve around them.

Lolllll

FWIW I was a very selfish cow teen back in the day!! Took me ages to see other people's POV ..

I wasn't exactly a picnic either, Cookie! DSD is our unpredictable, annoying, beautiful, talented, pain in the arse bundle of hormones. I could kick her arse and hug her all in the the same ten minutes. I must have been a shit in a previous life to deserve being a Stepmonster!

You poor love. Hope you're feeling a wee bit better and see your mw soon.

FWIW your "d"p sounds a right charmer. I'd be making plans to LTB.

Thanks Fouette. They won't see me just now, too soon, wish I could see what's going in in there. He needs a bit of a wake up call for sure. I imagined leaving and starting a new life, I feel it's a bit soon to decide. 3 MCs has taken it out of me. I'll recover a bit and decide then. Not impressed with some of his recent behaviour but can't find any malice in it, just major thoughtlessness with a good dollop of Disney Dad'ing. I won't take any shite though! Just don't want to make rash decisions.

Thanks for your input, you're all being so supportive. Call yourselves a nest of vipers? Tut!

I am very sorry for your losses.

You have some very serious issues with your partner. He sounds childish and his behaviour with regards your understandable request has been unacceptable, stomping off and sulking is what I expect from a child not a grown arse man. This is probably not the best time to say this and my apologies if this causes you distress but is he really father material? It's one thing witnessing Disney dad parenting but it's quite another trying to co-parent with one, he could totally undermine your parenting.

Once again I'm really sorry for your loss but you will have to have a frank talk with your man child when your stronger. Take care.