Too sensitive for AIBU...

[fackinell]

...but very gently, am I?

I posted earlier about my fantastic DP on MC thread but actually, if I'm not wrong, he's being a bit of a shit tonight.

I'm threatening MC (no3) Loss of pg symptoms, bleeding and cramps yesterday but its calmed down today. DSD 17 was supposed to be with us Tues and fri but decided last minute not to (these are her scheduled days. Welcome any other time too but tends to stick to her usual times.)

At lunchtime I asked DP if we had any plans today and was relieved we didn't as I feel like shit and want to just veg. DSD text at teatime to say she would like to stay tonight instead as she missed her days. I said that I really wasn't feeling up to seeing anyone and would it be ok on this one occasion to say not tonight, sorry. I was very nice about it but it doesn't matter who it is, I'm not feeling up to seeing anyone. After a massive argument he has stormed out. I think he may have told his DD the truth which I am totally pissed off about as her mum's family have had a go at me before for daring to be pg! So as not to drip feed, she left him years before we met.

Now I feel even more shit and stressed as he is furious at me. Is it so wrong to need time and space given the circumstances? I didn't suggest she not come round yesterday (but as I was feeling rubbish I was relieved she didn't.) I don't mess with her usual days, I just needed to feel crap tonight with DP knowing the situation and not make small talk.

Be kind please. After saying how wonderful he is I'm now thinking LTB! I agree his DD should come first but not at the detriment to me if there's a genuine reason.

[MissPryde]

I want to reiterate after reading some recent comments, I don't see you treating her like an outsider at all. As many, many posters have said, they sent their own children away from the home in this situation. You didn't deny her her scheduled visit, you simply politely declined when she asked. You were well within your rights to do so, frankly the last thing you need is to be worrying about right now is entertaining someone else, and her negative attitude is the icing on top. Also, she is not a child. It's not up to you at this point to indulge this behavior, this is a young woman making it clear she isn't accepting you as a mother figure, not a child adjusting to a new step-parent. She's of an age that she needs to accept you in her life in order to have a proper relationship with her dad, not the other way around. She is showing a complete lack of respect.

Having caught up I'm really appalled with dh and dsd's family.

Op, I hope you can ignore all the negativity for now and focus on taking care of yourself and vegging as you should be. Good luck once again, I hope the outcome is good.

[fackinell]

Thanks MissPryde. I have accepted she may never like me. TBH, although I was welcoming in the beginning of DSD's other family, it quickly became clear they were going to hate me anyway.

The only one I didn't want to meet was DP's Stepson. I told DP if he was coming around please let me know so I can go out, I don't want to be put in the position of having to shake hands with a convicted sex offender. Well, he walked DSD to a party at ours (unexpectedly I must say so that wasn't DP's fault, but said he had to leave straight away, which should have been accepted.) but in spite of him not wanting to come in and and my very strong feelings on the matter, he was given a hero's welcome, introduced to all my family and invited in. I was at having to be polite to him! I didn't even mention it after as it would cause a massive row and for the record, 'he didn't do it anyway!'

[dozeydoris]

Well presumably the DSD is taking out her angst and anger (for whatever; disappointment in her DM, or Df, or that she doesn't look like ladygaga or that she isn't going out with the best looking guy at school or whatever, there is plenty to be angry about at 17 without divorced parents, she is taking it out on you, OP, because as a new incomer to her life she doesn't care about your feelings so you are a useful release valve (also with an unsupporting DP there are no repercussions for her)

Having a DB who is a sex offender is another thing out of her control to be angry about. In fact with what you say about her DM they are all angry and bitter people.

Don't have any advice except to say that really she needs your pity rather than anger, though that is not an easy thing to do, she is an unhappy girl, if she was happy why should she manipulate things constantly to get at you?

My other point is a general one about stepparenting - the constant criticism of the poor new partner for not 'sucking it up' or deserving a miserable life because 'they knew what they were getting in to'.

One parent walks out to new partner, say the mother, the DP is left on their own with less financial resources and trying to keep the DCs happy in sad circumstances. According to the MN rules for stepmothers unless they can put up with rude and cruel behavior from the DCs, taking second place forever, very little attention from DP, as it has to go to kids first, they shouldn't form relationship with the DP.

The upshot of this attitude is that there will be many lonely DPs who have no significant other in their lives, as their DCs always come first. Is this lonely life what MNers want for them, their being a shortage of selfless angels around.

The condemnation is always for the step parent, not for the actual parent who split the family in the first place who should by all rights, and of course sometimes does, work hard to make their DCs happy and accepting whichever new adults come into their lives.

[themidwife]

If she was your natural daughter & lived there you wouldn't get rid of her no matter the circumstances. I know you must feel wretched but she's not a demanding toddler, she's a young adult who maybe would have liked to help - make tea etc?

I think it was an unwise thing to do.

Meanwhile though I hope things work out for your pregnancy.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

themidwife have you even read the thread??

Plenty.on here have said that this is exactly what they did do when going through what the OP is. Sent their own children away.

[Allergictoironing]

Themidwife have you read the thread properly? The OP has made it clear that this girl wouldn't just NOT be helpful & make tea etc, but she would be as disruptive as she possibly could be!

[Jaynebxl]

Wow poor you. Can't believe dp hasn't been more supportive of you in general but especially right now. Not sure if you already said but how lomg have you been together?

[haveyourselfashandy]

I'm sorry themidwife but have you read the full thread?If you have then how have you concluded that the dsd would help in any way?I sent my own dc away when I was mc'ing.It's a very personal thing,horrific actually and I didn't want anybody in the house.

[AwkwardSquad]

I have been a stepchild. I don't think you are being in the slightest bit unreasonable.

[EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip]

How are you feeling now Fackinell?

[Routergirl]

Fack you are definitely not being unreasonable. I cannot believe people think you should have her over.....are your feelings not important? Why the hell should she be pandered to when you are going through this? I hope you feel better soon. x

[themidwife]

I'm sorry if I've misunderstood.

He will clearly side with dsd even at a time like this. What I meant by "unwise" is that by saying he can't see her, you are fuelling the fire. He's not supporting you because he's tied up in the drama of her rejection now. Is he supportive in other ways or is this a common theme?

It doesn't sound a very happy situation generally.

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Where has the OP said her DH cant see the DSD?

[Lazyjaney]

"Plenty.on here have said that this is exactly what they did do when going through what the OP is. Sent their own children away"

This is a step child that her DH sees infrequently. No parent will turn their own child away, whereas a step parent will turn a step child away- which is why OP and DH are at loggerheads here.

[fackinell]

Just woke up! Was awake a lot through the night. Feeling calm today actually. He slept on the sofa and came through to ask if I wanted breakfast. I'll have a talk to him calmly today and explain my position again and what I had hoped from him. We have been together over two years, the first pregnancy was quick and a surprise tbh. I had t realised I had wanted to be a mum before then. I can see why it was a shock to DSD that someone new was in her life and having a baby. Her DM left for another man so there has always been a new person there, to her. I think women are more of a threat to Daughters than men are. Not sure of she knows her DB is a rapist as she was young. It was splashed all over the National papers at the time but I think she may have been protected by that. A horrific break in and attack.

My bleeding has stopped, no cramps and although my boobs aren't sore they still look like a road map of central London!

It has changed how I feel towards him a lot though. I'm not sure what to think. I agree today with the advice of not being too rash now. If this baby goes then I think I may go back on the pill and focus on my career (which luckily is going from strength to strength.) I work for myself but help DP with his business too. I can leave my options open with no baby.
Shame though, I think I would have made a good mum. My DNiece and DNephew demand I visit often and play silly games. Especially DNeph who is almost a teen and we can crack up just looking at each other

Thanks for all your comments and support. You got me through a really shit night! I'll post an update when we talk. X

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Would you consider showing your DH this thread?

[fackinell]

Sorry, TheMidwife, I forgot to answer your question. I've not really been in need of any support from him in other ways. Any issues that have arisen like the nasty texting is met with 'just ignore it.' He is supportive of my work and helps a lot when I need it but he's very laid back where I'm more seize the moment. He gets stressed about silly things like temporary traffic lights . But when a biggie comes along he is out of his depth and thinks if he ignores it it'll resolve itself. DSD says he lacks emotion and I agree with her actually.

[fackinell]

No Ken!! He'd hit the roof that I am talking about such deeply personal stuff especially the rapist (as although he served several years, he didn't do it, of course.) he would also then add his tuppence worth (he is on here but rarely) and it would turn into a bun fight. Entertaining as that would be, I have to live with the bloody man!

[MyNameIsKenAdams]

Mmm...well, tell him from me if he was more supportive you wouldn't need to come on here and talk about it.

Then do a raspberry at him.

Bloody men.

[fackinell]

Will do. I'll get the cat to do one of his drooly head shakes too.

Bleeding started again now I'm up and about. Although I don't want to lose it I'd feel more in control if I'm not to be pg. That feels like a terrible thing to say. At least I'll know I tried it 3x and it didn't work.

I have more options this way, no ties, and i ain't gonna be stupid enough to marry him like he wants, this year! I shall stick to annoying other people's kids now, or as my Dsis complains, 'getting them hyper then pissing off home!'

[fackinell]

And I'm no longer bothered if he's told his DD the truth. If her family are ignorant enough to take pleasure in someone else's misfortune then who gives a shit what they think.

[fifi669]

Children's needs should come before your own, their wants should not.

I think you were justified in requesting some quiet time. Hopefully your DP will see the world didn't end when DSD didn't come over.

All the best

[fackinell]

I agree fifi. It has probably done her some good too. I'm taking some time out this week to look at my needs in this relationship. I think I'd like to move away again. I need this week to decide (not at all to watch the last of the Breaking Bad box set!) and I'll see how I feel once my head is cleared.

[fifi669]

Oh I want to watch breaking bad, it's supposed to be amazing! We've just started game of thrones.... One season down

[fackinell]

Haven't watched that, fifi. Is it good?
BB is amazing but lots of moments. Have a bit of a Jesse Pinkman crush now. Cute, even for a methy! Only have about 10 to watch. I'm preparing myself for the end. It'll be a downer worse than 'Ashes to Ashes' I think. Still not over my Philip Glennister crush either.