Too sensitive for AIBU...

[fackinell]

...but very gently, am I?

I posted earlier about my fantastic DP on MC thread but actually, if I'm not wrong, he's being a bit of a shit tonight.

I'm threatening MC (no3) Loss of pg symptoms, bleeding and cramps yesterday but its calmed down today. DSD 17 was supposed to be with us Tues and fri but decided last minute not to (these are her scheduled days. Welcome any other time too but tends to stick to her usual times.)

At lunchtime I asked DP if we had any plans today and was relieved we didn't as I feel like shit and want to just veg. DSD text at teatime to say she would like to stay tonight instead as she missed her days. I said that I really wasn't feeling up to seeing anyone and would it be ok on this one occasion to say not tonight, sorry. I was very nice about it but it doesn't matter who it is, I'm not feeling up to seeing anyone. After a massive argument he has stormed out. I think he may have told his DD the truth which I am totally pissed off about as her mum's family have had a go at me before for daring to be pg! So as not to drip feed, she left him years before we met.

Now I feel even more shit and stressed as he is furious at me. Is it so wrong to need time and space given the circumstances? I didn't suggest she not come round yesterday (but as I was feeling rubbish I was relieved she didn't.) I don't mess with her usual days, I just needed to feel crap tonight with DP knowing the situation and not make small talk.

Be kind please. After saying how wonderful he is I'm now thinking LTB! I agree his DD should come first but not at the detriment to me if there's a genuine reason.

Thanks Bruno and Emma.

I would highly doubt this guy is innocent. He has violence issues. The house is full of holes from his damage but DP hasn't had the money to fix them after he bought his ExW out. The media coverage of the rape was pretty horrific. I she had made it up then I doubt she'd be suffering from agoraphobia and panic attacks to the point she cannot work. Id also be nominating her for a bloody Oscar. She was also double his age and been drinking with her sister that night, he wasn't part of that. Jury took just over an hr to convict, although DP said 2 jurors outside court said they didn't believe he did it. I've seen his wrath. I'd put money on it!
He was about 9 when they got together and had a bad attitude even then apparently.

Things have calmed for now here. I'm still not sure if I'm MCing or not, the bleeding is light, (like the last day when you think you're finished AF) nothing to do but wait and see. I'm serious about no marriage and no babies. I'll stay put until my hormones settle at least. I'm still mad about the stepson at the party and last night though, I feel that letting him in the house was a deal breaker. My family shook hands with that scum!

Sorry to hear that love. It does sound suspicious, especially so early. Take some pain killers & get a hot water bottle on your poor tum. No they can't scan until later, sorry. If you do continue to misc & it's 3 in a row, you can ask for a gynae referral. Sometimes just taking a baby aspirin daily works so if you ever do want to try again it's worth getting seen. Hope you get some sleep.

Thanks Midwife. I have no cramps today at all. Just the mild stretching feeling I had with baby 1. I know the bleeding is dodgy but I'll keep hoping till it has passed. EPAC have been fab and I'll see what else they can offer. I was due to see a consultant but then I got pg again. No trouble there it seems! I am almost 43 though...my eggs ain't the best.

Def call them again tomorrow yes.

Ok I will do, I'm pretty sure they won't see me but I'll ask advice. Thank you.

They can at least ask you the right questions.

Ha! Here's me saying no cramps at all today and I just saw that I had bad ones at 8pm. Either I'm being ridiculously hopeful by lying to myself or my head is up my arse with all that's going on. Probably lack of sleep.

I've skipped some posts because it's making me cross reading all the BU posts. No you're not, at all!

I have had a miscarriage and also lost a baby. Neither time I wanted to see someone, fortunately they were pre-children so I didn't have to deal with them too. My miscarriage I spent in my parents bed with their Virgin box and my mum waiting on me so I didn't have to worry about anyone else. Sitting on the toilet unable to move because the blood doesn't stop flowing long enough to pull your pants up is not how I would want to be when anyone who wasn't there to care for me was around. After I lost my baby I was kept in hospital for the best part of a week in a special room where they waited on me and anyone who visited me and if they saw me come out would run to me to see what I needed.

On top of that I suffer from an irritable uterus, so I have contractions from early on, my first LC was around 27 weeks, next two was about 24 weeks and my fourth was before I knew I was pregnant. By 20 weeks I was on bed rest. I could not cope with my own children and didn't see my stepchildren in that time. Our parents took it in turns to cover weekends, different people covered school runs so that they were cared for until their dad finished work. I hardly left my bedroom and could only handle them for short amount of time at a time. If my stepchildren were to have asked to stay I would have said no.

This is not a normal situation you're in, you're not leaving her to wander the streets, you're not stopping her having her normal time and she is not a young child who does not understand why she can't see Daddy. In fact, my stepchildren were 3 and 5 when I started having babies and at no point have they ever begrudged their dad having to change his time because myself or their siblings were ill. One day he arrived at their house, his phone went and he was told he needed to return home - they live two hours away so it's not like it was easy to replace that time. You see, that's what reasonable people (even children) do when life throws a curveball, they accept that things need to be a little different this time but we'll catch up with where we were later.

On a side note - if this is it, please ask them to do a test for Hughes Syndrome (or Antiphospholipid Syndrome) it means clotting factors, antibodies and LAC screen amongst others but some things to get you started! Every miscarriage or pregnancy complication has a 1 in 8 chance of being Hughes, when you have more than one with no successful pregnancy the risk factor increases each time. It's my little soapbox, I feel that all women should be offered these tests (as does Prof Hughes!) but in the meantime I will tell as many women as I can to fight for the testing if they have to.

Thank you Confuddled and sorry for your losses

That's good to know, I will mention it to MW. They took 6 vials of blood for tests and all were clear. I only remember it was for genetics, lupus and sticky blood but can't remember the others.

Sounds like that's what they were testing for then, you were fortunate! However - despite what they think - there are other ways it can show up and sometimes it just doesn't. I don't think they've tested for everything they can though because I had 20 vials taken me (two sittings and some of them looked like tabasco bottles!) so I'm sure there are more tests. Do make sure you push for a full proper screening. Even if you decide not to have any more babies, it could be something that will affect you in other ways (I've been having TIAs since I was 13, also when I went on the pill so I've not done that again, which we didn't know that's what they were) or you may meet someone you want children with or you know what they say if you have sex there's always a possibility you could get pregnant.

Women, even your age, don't miscarry for nothing.

That's really good info & really well put.

20 vials? I'm glad I was lying down when I read that
I nearly passed out at 6. TIAs from 13, you have been through the mill. MW reckons its egg quality but I will see what else they can offer. On my MC thread someone spoke of uterine NK cells too.

I think time could run out before I meet someone else and get to the baby stage. I'll be fine, I have my cat

I think I'd be unwise to make that commitment with this one again. There would need to be some serious ass kicking to be done. It's draining to be around people who dislike you for no reason. I'm not perfect but I go out of my way to make DSD her fav meals, buy things I know she likes from the supermarket and an occasional bigger treat. The best she's ever treated me was after my two separate weeks of disengaging. I was at a loss to what else I could do so just busied myself out of the way. It would help if DP would at least meet me halfway and ask for an apology when necessary.

You sound like a lovely stepmum fackinell. I really wish you all the best and I agree with Bruno.

I agree there's not a cat in hell's chance he didn't do it.

Thanks Flip

I think DP just can't bear to acknowledge that a boy he helped raise could be that kind of man. It's easier for him to believe the woman made it up. When I met the SS he had this wild look in his eyes, flitting around everywhere and he seemed quite wired. As far as I'm aware he doesn't do drugs, but it was that kind of 'eccy' look I've seen before. He was highly intimidating I thought, although that may have been my anxiety. He thanked me for the presents that I didn't know we had bought before saying he couldn't be here and quickly leaving.

DSD always says thank you for tea these days, I like that. I also find stuff of mine in her room so she clearly feels comfortable to some extent. She is improving as she grows, to give her her due. I know in a couple of years she will be much better but it may be a case if too little too late by then. It is much more DP's attitude that bothers me, DSD's I can understand more. She's 17, I thought I knew it all, and some, by then. I pushed boundaries but got ripped a new arsehole for it. The lack of discipline is the problem, as is his lack of respect for me when she should be pulled up about things. Her behaviour is mostly normal, but I won't tolerate shouting and damaging property.

I can understand the not wanting to believe it to a degree...but it speaks to me of a fundamental weakness in character, following the path of least resistance (if that makes sense?)

You can still support and care for someone while making it clear what you think of their actions and behaviour and having firm boundaries in place.

His step-son sounds very frightening and introducing him to your family in the way he did was a low trick and suggests a lack of respect for you.

You say that your DPs attitude bothers you most and I can see why. DSD is responsible for her behaviour but to an extent she's also the product of her parenting and it doesn't sound (from what you say) like her mum and dad have parented her very well at all. If the step-son still lives at home I can imagine that must be difficult for her as well. eve if she parrots the 'he didn't do it' line then she must still wonder.

I know that you mean about the weakness. He hates confrontation of any kind and tends to let people get their way, unless its me v DSD for any reason!

SS doesn't live at his DM's now and I'm not sure if DSD even knows. She would have been very young when it happened, she probably was protected. She adores him anyway so she's probably been told it's not true if she does know.

It was an awkward situation with him on the doorstep, but I would not have invited him in. He wouldn't have wanted to show to his DD that her DB wasn't welcome. I'm still though that he pushed after he said he had to go.

"He hates confrontation of any kind and tends to let people get their way, unless its me v DSD for any reason! "

I thinks that's the issue, isn't it? For some reason your needs/wishes etc aren't taken into consideration.

I've re-read the post where you describe your stepson turning up and being bought into the house against your wishes - and did I read right, that your stepson didn't want to come in but your DP bought him in anyway, so it could have been dealt with effectively by him saying (for example "Thanks for dropping DD off son, see you later").

If I've read that correctly it sounds almost like he's deliberately goading you, rather than just being a bit wet and ineffectual.

Yes you did read it right. I don't know that he'd actually do it to goad, he isn't the type to create trouble as he's typically British and polite. He just loves to pretend to his daughter that they're still one big, happy family and would like to be seen as inclusive. Before me he even had dinner at his ExW's house with them all, including the man she had an affair with
None of them will see him now he's with me, after I found out they were slagging me off I deleted them from (bloody) FB. They used that as an excuse for not coming round. It was a definitely an excuse as before that they'd given one word answers to me and intentionally turned their backs to exclude me.

This is DP's exes family isn't it? They sound like quite the crowd of dysfunctional freaks.

Nontheless, your DP shouldn't have invited him in. Why did he, and what does that say about how he treats you? You don't need to answer that on here of course but maybe give it some thought.

I do hope you are feeling a little better today.

Yes, it's the ExW's kids who he took on before DSD came along. The other sibling is nice, you can tell he's had the influence of a stable home. He took on a stepchild of his own and is hard working and polite. His wife is another matter. Nasty and spiteful.

I haven't broached the subject at all as its just not worth it. We will argue, he will disagree and say he was powerless and what did I expect him to do. Generally day to day, he treats me respectfully, just never on my team if DSD is U to me. He is also NEVER wrong.

I'd like to buy a place in the city (business not doing quite that well yet but I am aiming for it.) he said it would be fantastic as we can pass it on to his DD one day. He was and when I said that my share would go to my DNiece and DNephew. I'd love for them to have a nest egg when I'm gone. If its my money that pays for it then I won't hand over 100% to someone who doesn't even like me! My family is equally as important to me as his is to him. I was all for 50% to DSD but now I'm going to stay happily unmarried instead.

Meant to add, he is leaving inheritance to his SSs too and I'm definitely not giving anything away to a sex offender!! And effectively a couple of strangers to me.

Quite right that you want to leave it to your neice and nephew!

It sounds as though he has this 'fantasy' of you all being a happy family unit, without taking into account the reality how you and his daughter actually feel, and also without acknowledging that you have to put work in for that to happen. Also, people who are never wrong worry me...everyone is wrong sometimes...but that may just be me!

Sorry if I sound like I'm being rude about your Stepdaughters family btw but the way you describe them has given me the chills. They sound really unpleasant.

That's fine, Flip. I don't think too fondly of them either. I thought his ExW and I could be civil, I always made an effort to chat with her when I saw her and although she was pleasant in the beginning that quickly changed.

He really does want us as a family and although I include DSD as a member of my family, she's not my child. I wouldn't dream if playing mummy to her, I would have hated that. We can be friends if she chooses. I did have to gently point out in a few occasions that we are also a couple and its nice to do stuff on our own too. Anytime we went out for dinner he'd say he'd text DSD to come too. Sometimes you just want a nice, romantic meal as a couple.

My uncle actually said to me quite sternly that if we marry to get a prenup. My business is going well (although sporadic income ATM) my uncle knows this family and is wary and protective. I'd love DP to have a lovely home after all the crap he's put up with from ExW, but not to the detriment of my family who are hardworking and honest. I'd actually buy my DM's house first to give her a lifetime's security. I live in DP's house and pay half, I've told him not to include me in his will but if he did I'd be handing it all over to DSD. It's her birthright, not mine. That all may change if we can't get past this hiccup anyway.

I understand that. I come from the pov that it's just so much easier and more enjoyable to be nice to people so am perplexed by and rather wary of people who aren't.

Your uncle sounds like he has he head screwed on :). He is absolutely right, you must look after your own interests.

It's a real shame your DP is chasing round trying to placate/pander to these people (I don't mean his daughter but her family, although he does need to be a better parent). I do hope you can find a way to work it out but if not, it's good you have a other options and a supportive family behind you.

I'll read the whole thread in a mo, but in answer to your original question, you are very much not being U. I have had 7 MCs, and the last thing I would have wanted with any of them is to have anyone around bar DH - maybe my sister (she was with me when I started to get signs when we were on holiday and she came to the hospital with me). A 17 year old is old enough to be told that you are very unwell right now and can't have visitors.
((())) and