Too sensitive for AIBU...

[fackinell]

...but very gently, am I?

I posted earlier about my fantastic DP on MC thread but actually, if I'm not wrong, he's being a bit of a shit tonight.

I'm threatening MC (no3) Loss of pg symptoms, bleeding and cramps yesterday but its calmed down today. DSD 17 was supposed to be with us Tues and fri but decided last minute not to (these are her scheduled days. Welcome any other time too but tends to stick to her usual times.)

At lunchtime I asked DP if we had any plans today and was relieved we didn't as I feel like shit and want to just veg. DSD text at teatime to say she would like to stay tonight instead as she missed her days. I said that I really wasn't feeling up to seeing anyone and would it be ok on this one occasion to say not tonight, sorry. I was very nice about it but it doesn't matter who it is, I'm not feeling up to seeing anyone. After a massive argument he has stormed out. I think he may have told his DD the truth which I am totally pissed off about as her mum's family have had a go at me before for daring to be pg! So as not to drip feed, she left him years before we met.

Now I feel even more shit and stressed as he is furious at me. Is it so wrong to need time and space given the circumstances? I didn't suggest she not come round yesterday (but as I was feeling rubbish I was relieved she didn't.) I don't mess with her usual days, I just needed to feel crap tonight with DP knowing the situation and not make small talk.

Be kind please. After saying how wonderful he is I'm now thinking LTB! I agree his DD should come first but not at the detriment to me if there's a genuine reason.

[scottishmummy]

So sorry you're going through difficult pg,take care of yourself

[WhenWhyWhere]

Sorry, I forgot to add that I hope you are OK it's a shame you are worrying about this when you should be thinking about yourself

[Offred]

I fully support you saying you don't want her to stay tonight btw.

[Minione]

I've been in the same situation but with a 17yr old dss. I was around ten weeks pregnant and bleeding heavily and knew I'd miscarry. Dss came to ours as usual and I miscarried during the night. I guess we're pretty close so I didn't mind him being there however I would have preferred him not to have been with retrospect as his bedroom was next to the bathroom. I suppose another difference between our situation was I'd had a stillbirth 5 months earlier and he'd dealt with maturely and sensitively. I don't think yabu, DH asked me iirc if I Minded dss coming over. Sorry if this is a bit rambling, Your DPshould support you, I know she's his daughter but given the circumstances I can understand you not wanting her there. My thoughts are with you and look after yourself x

[BrandNewIggi]

I imagine you just want to hibernate. With a younger child, you could get away with saying you felt ill but it sounds like you would have to put on an act with her. I suggest you leave thinking of your dh till some time has passed and just focus on yourself.
Hope your fears turn out to be unfounded btw x

[fackinell]

Thanks all, struggling to keep up with your supportive and constructive posts so sorry if I miss any questions.

DSD doesn't text me to ask if she can stay, I don't have her no. She texts her Dad.

I wasn't mad with her first time around when she got angry. I was disappointed as I'd hoped she may be excited. It was 16 mths ago so she was a bit younger then. We have come a long way but I'm still aware of the walk down the hallway and an about turn back to her room if I'm in the lounge on my own. I have the good grace 'not to notice.'

I agree she doesn't need to have a relationship with me. I still adore my Dad's ex wives (even one that was an OW.) they gave me my lovely step siblings and have been nothing but pleasant to me. I guess I hoped it would be the same and on the surface it is. I've fought her corner many times (smoking and drinking etc which is part of growing up to try it) and backed him up when he's asked for advice on other things like a strange lad staying over that we had never met.

We have very different ideas and our future goals differ a fair bit (I'd like to move but he wouldn't.) I reckon if this baby goes then I may move on. I reckon that would be popular with some.

[lunar1]

I'm really sorry you are going through this, I have had several mc's and it's just the worse thing to go through.

I think it's sad that your dsd needs to ask if she can stay. It should be her home and maybe the fact that it isn't is contributing to her behaviour over your pregnancy.

I feel bad saying that because I know what a shit time you are having, if she was yours she would be welcome in her home but expected to behave appropriately and sensitively.

[fackinell]

Yes, NHS have been great and bloods show no abnormalities.

A get out of jail free card would definitely be used tonight!

[CouthyMow]

She's not a fucking child at 17! I had a 6mo DD by her age. She's being a childish brat. The OP is having a 3rd MC, and wants to NOT be banished to her bedroom when she feels like shit. A 17yo should understand this. Why does the needs of a person old enough to be a parent override that of someone having a MC? Only the most selfish of people would think that they did.

And if my DD kicked off over me having a baby, with someone other than her Dad, she would, as the OP says, be missing all of her electrical gadgetry!

The OP's 'D'H could have gone out with his DD, if he was desperate to see her, rather than putting the OP in an awful situation, for no real reason.

And given the OP has already spoken to her H about how she feels about him having his DD round, NOT on a usual contact night, after her previous MC's, the only possible answers are that he is being at best thoughtless, and at worse doing it yo purposely rub the OP's nose in the ground.

I think that the OP should be able to have quiet enjoyment of her own bloody front room, given the fact that she is currently MC'ing.

Anyone who is saying different, have you actually BEEN in that situation? I have. And I had friends look after my DC's (not SDC's) for a couple of nights. Why shouldn't the OP have the same?

[fackinell]

She usually could stay whenever she feels like it but she has chosen to go from 3 sleepovers to one and a visit. I will be honest though and say that I like knowing when to expect her. Selfish? Probably, but its easier to meal plan, arrange seeing friends and know when to expect an evening of Big Brother and Simpsons!

[CouthyMow]

Oh, god, I misread. So sorry!

I will keep my fingers crossed for you, OP, that everything works out ok with this pregnancy. And it is even MORE of a reason why the OP should be left alone to rest in peace. Which by the sounds of it, she will not get with her DSD there.

[fackinell]

At Couthymow! I'd love to have you around in an argument. You're the first person to make me laugh all day.

[Nanny0gg]

She usually could stay whenever she feels like it but she has chosen to go from 3 sleepovers to one and a visit. I will be honest though and say that I like knowing when to expect her. Selfish? Probably, but its easier to meal plan, arrange seeing friends and know when to expect an evening of Big Brother and Simpsons!

No different to having your own teenagers. It's a matter of respect that you are aware of their comings and goings so that you know where you stand.

[fackinell]

And my symptoms of PG have gone (I can actually touch my boobs now) I reckon it's a cert....

[fackinell]

Thanks Nanny. We actually do very little that she isn't asked along to. I'd love her to come and meet my family bit she's not keen and neither should she have to. My DM adores her (on the occasions mum has been here) and although she's always polite she declines invites to all events. I wish she wouldn't but hey-ho. She's a grown up almost..,

[Winterwobbles]

YANBU
If the S was removed and my 17 yr old DD had previously acted like that and had a home with another parent to go to then I'd be wanting her to be there too.

[fackinell]

I was pissed off at that, Winter. I felt he should have taken her out and let her scream all she wanted but not in earshot of me as I was bleeding in bed!

[HumphreyCobbler]

Also, when I had a miscarriage last year someone kindly took my own children so that I could have some peace and quiet. No one would have told me I was being unreasonable in those circumstances.

[HumphreyCobbler]

OP I do so hope you are mistaken. It is so hard.
Best wishes.

[Trumski]

I can only give you my experience.

I had two miscarriages last year. The first one was at 12 weeks (missed miscarriage, had to have an operation) the second was just before Christmas, at 6 weeks and was a classic miscarriage, spotting, bleeding etc.

I have two step children. The first time, they knew what had happened. Because we'd excitedly told them about the pregnancy at 11 weeks so there was no way round it. My DH forfeited his weekend so I could be at home and comfortable and he could be there with me. They were fine about this. In fact, I think they were probably relieved thy didn't have to see me (in the best way possible, they're only young, 10 and 13)

The second time, the kids didn't know, because of the previous time. My DH collected them as usual and took them to his mums for the weekend. He spent some of the time over there but most of it with me. He told them I wasn't well and they accepted that.

He did all this off his own back. I didn't ask him to.

I disagree that you are being unreasonable. I think your DH is being unreasonable in fact. Understandably he wants to see his daughter, but in this case, I believe you need to come first. As a step mother we are always very used to coming second, it's par for the course, but occasionally there are times when we shouldn't and in my opinion this is one of those occasions. Perhaps he's stressed out, but I'm pretty sure you are too!

I'm really really sorry, I hope things work out but if they don't, I hope you are ok as can be. X

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Totally with couthymow on this
My ds is 16, I would be happy and so would he if his father and sm were to find out they were expecting a baby.

If he lost his rag and kicked a hole in te door ect ect I would be sending him round with a letter of apology and the money to fix the damage plus his ears would be ringing from the bollocking

Thankfully I seem to have brought him up ok and though I have no idea how I can rest in the knowledge he wouldn't do this - so sorry op you shouldn't have to have put up with that at all and sorry that you're having a hard time with this pregnancy I hope all turns out well for you x

[Winterwobbles]

Sorry you're going through this Fackinell :(

[lovelychops]

Don't think are being unreasonable at all! I don't think there is anything wrong with needing to know what days she's visiting, it's your home.
She doesn't sound mature enough to be dealing with what you're going through.
But to be honest you shouldn't even have to be thinking about anyone else right now and it's shitty that you're worrying.
Sorry for what you're going through. Hope you get some rest.

[hoppinghare]

I haven't read the responses but I think you are being unreasonable, understandly so. Miscarriages are very upsetting. But I would never tell my teenage daughter she wasn't welcome in my house no matter what the circumstances. I would not be happy with any man who asked me to do so. But like I said, I totally understand why you want a quiet night.

[EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip]

yanbu. I am disgusted that your DP has stormed out, he should be at home supporting you not picking fights when you are vulnerable. I don't think it's unreasonable to want your home to yourself tonight, why should you be banished to your room? and yes I realise it's dsd home too but it's not as if she'll be out sleeping rough she has another home too.
You know you are being unreasonable re thinking having his dd there is rubbing it in your face but I completely understand how you feel.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it's shit and unfair.