Too sensitive for AIBU...

[fackinell]

...but very gently, am I?

I posted earlier about my fantastic DP on MC thread but actually, if I'm not wrong, he's being a bit of a shit tonight.

I'm threatening MC (no3) Loss of pg symptoms, bleeding and cramps yesterday but its calmed down today. DSD 17 was supposed to be with us Tues and fri but decided last minute not to (these are her scheduled days. Welcome any other time too but tends to stick to her usual times.)

At lunchtime I asked DP if we had any plans today and was relieved we didn't as I feel like shit and want to just veg. DSD text at teatime to say she would like to stay tonight instead as she missed her days. I said that I really wasn't feeling up to seeing anyone and would it be ok on this one occasion to say not tonight, sorry. I was very nice about it but it doesn't matter who it is, I'm not feeling up to seeing anyone. After a massive argument he has stormed out. I think he may have told his DD the truth which I am totally pissed off about as her mum's family have had a go at me before for daring to be pg! So as not to drip feed, she left him years before we met.

Now I feel even more shit and stressed as he is furious at me. Is it so wrong to need time and space given the circumstances? I didn't suggest she not come round yesterday (but as I was feeling rubbish I was relieved she didn't.) I don't mess with her usual days, I just needed to feel crap tonight with DP knowing the situation and not make small talk.

Be kind please. After saying how wonderful he is I'm now thinking LTB! I agree his DD should come first but not at the detriment to me if there's a genuine reason.

[fackinell]

No, Living, arguing doesn't work. He just gets angry and defensive. London would be amazing! He wanted to go and actually suggested it but has now changed his mind.

MW has suggest getting in touch with Dr. Siobhan Quenby as she has done NK cell trials and is the leading UK Dr. on this ATM.

My kitten is actually one but is very small for his age. He was one of three that survived from his litter as mum was so young and undernourished. He's at his Gran's now but is ever so sweet. He sleeps in bed with me, under the covers and his head on my arm or the pillow.
I love Jack Russells! I would love to have one but the bigger cat would leave home I reckon.

[livingzuid]

Sorry you still feel so rubbish :( no advice on the blood thing but London looks more and more likely does it not? How exciting to be semi plotting a move there. If your gp is not great then a lot of nagging may be required. If you don't get any immune testing even going somewhere like St Thomas then private could give you more answers. Perhaps the consultants there will advise you though?

Sounds like the conversation you had was a good one. Arguing just doesn't work with men does it. They shut down. With my X it never seemed to work no matter what I did, tantrum or normal talk but dh and I resolve a lot when it's a rational chat. Fingers crossed he isn't 100% in his own universe.

You have a kitten! I'm not allowed one we have a jack Russell that would be overkeen. But they are so nice to cuddle when down. And just in general.

[fackinell]

I don't need Anti-D, they're now looking at not giving it under 12wks. No need to scan now, just test in a wk and rebooked with consultant.

Again thank you for that, I had totally forgotten to check!

[fackinell]

Thank you Maras and Monkey. I'm in a lot of pain today but feel I have passed most of it all. Feel a bit sick with the flooding. I'm distracting myself with cleaning.

My MWs don't give the antiD until 6wks+ but I'm going to phone and check right now! Thank you for that reminder.

Yes, luckily years of child care has made me very tolerant of strops. I just keep the ABC of challenging behaviour in my head: Antecedent, Behaviour, Consequence. There's always a reason but unfortunately DSD's consequence is always missed out, which is why she is how she is. I've given up asking for niceties for things. She broke my favourite cup recently and I said that was ok but it would be nice for her to have told me herself and say sorry. It's not going to happen.

I have no idea what will happen now. It's a culmination of all that's gone on and I'm not too sure if he's pushed me too far to go back. I just can't make any kind of rational decision ATM so I'm best to do nothing until I'm sure. Taking my body back for a while, that I'm sure of. No babies for at least 6 mths until I find out what's going on and work out if I want to be in this relationship.

[WaitMonkey]

How are you op ? I've just read the thread. You sound lovely and hope you get the happiness you so obviously deserve.

[maras2]

If you are Rh -ve you should have anti D antibody injection after the second and subsequant MC's. Best of luck for a future successful pregnancy.You sound really lovely and have far more patience with Ms.Stroppyknickers than a canonised saint.

[fackinell]

Thank you, I shall look into St. T's. I told DP last night that he hasn't been very supportive at all over my MC and was he aware that he hadn't even asked how I'm feeling? He said I'd told him a couple of times but its not the same as being asked. I also pointed out that I'd gone into work for him and he hadn't even thanked me even though he knew I felt crap,

I told him to be careful, that my feelings towards him are changing due to his lack of empathy and I feel I've taken a few steps away from him over all this. He was a bit shocked about that and said he was sorry. I told him don't have me taking too many steps away that I don't want to come back. It had much more of a punch than shouting it on a row. He knew I was serious. He needs to make much more of an effort.

Agreed about not trying until we get done answers. I don't want to go through this again.

[themidwife]

Even if you don't live in London, after 3 consecutive misc you can ask your GP to refer you to the recurrent misc clinic at St Thomas's for proper investigations. Expensive day trips for appointments but well worth it. Good luck & have a nice holiday

[confuddledDOTcom]

Normally they say these days that when you have a period it's your body getting back to normal so safe to continue but in the case of recurrent miscarriage it's best to get answers first.

If you do move to London get a referral to St T's because that's where Prof Hughes works and from what I understand he is the best!

Rhesus negative does affect pregnancy but not something I know much about.

[fackinell]

Oh and I meant to say I'm also R Neg blood group, does that cause any probs with MC? Honestly, as a former child carer I thought I knew a lot about things like this, but clearly I know very little.

[fackinell]

Just back from DM's to take kitten 'on holiday.'

Thank you, I also agree it sounds like an immune issue. I will look in my area for specialists. The good thing about waiting a few months is that I can decide if I should go ahead with this man. Yes, he's great most of the time but I want to be united. Not good cop, bad cop. Good advice on the Hughes/immune issues, thank you.

Also. a big concern at the moment (now baby has gone) is that I so want to move back to London and DP wanted that too, but has since changed his mind (DSD said she wouldn't go.) I love being round my family but I'd love to go back. I'm in a very small town where nobody does anything but work, go home and make a cup of tea. I can't live out my years here.

I feel very confused ATM and my trip away could help or hinder (London.)
I won't make any rash decisions until at least Springtime. My hormones are crazy right now.

[livingzuid]

You've got to give your mind a rest and your body most definitely needs a break for at least a cycle. The advice varies but I would think it would be good to wait a couple of months at least. I'm sure your dh understands that? Your plan sounds like a good one for summer.

If your dh is on the whole a pretty good partner then perhaps a bit of space from the whole issue will help address the other things succesfully. He could do with improving his communication and demonstrating his priorities are correct ie you and your health rather than a tantruming 17 year old! None of us are perfect and it seems to come down to what we'll compromise on or not in a relationship - for me anyway :)

It will put your mind at rest if you can speak to a specialist - worth asking on the ttc and mc board for recommendations in your area if you don't want to go to London all the time (lovely though it is great advice from confuddled as well. I do think yours is an autoimmune issue. I fell pg six weeks after starting my thyroid medicine and going gluten free. Sadly can't be gluten free during pg or i would have lived on not an awful lot but diet too can play a huge part if you are one of the unlucky folk who has issues like these.

I know about the need. I would have tried anything and I was the only seemingly infertile one amongst a sea of female relatives that seemed to pop babies our left right and centre. But the visualisation is actually a very powerful tool too. My dreams were filled with mcs and loss.

I read a bit of Marisa Peer's book trying to get pregnant and succeeding and whilst some of it was with a large dose of salt (she's a queen of product placement and self promotion) there was a huge amount that made sense, and was designed for women who had ttc problems and mc. Worth a read.

Some of us just have a harder ttc journey than others, it sucks though. Your positive thoughts about a dc are definitely worth hanging onto it will happen one day :)

[confuddledDOTcom]

The thing with Hughes (I keep going back to it because it's the largest cause of pregnancy complication, but there are others) is it's a funny disease, it can start with you but your family will have risk factors, so if there's a lot of autoimmune diseases in your family then it increases the risk, if there are relatives who've had clotting events (DVT, PE, strokes etc) then that adds to your risk factors. It tests positive on one of a range of tests (mine is ANA IgM) but the numbers can vary by day, time, place in your cycle, stress levels, diet etc and it's possible to always test negative which is why there shouldn't be positive/ negative/ borderline but most doctors can't cope with that concept. If you have more than one autoimmune response the you should be tested, if you think you're a hypochondriac you should be tested! Although a lot of the things that can be a marker we can pass off. For me, pregnancy aside, it's feeling the cold, the "faints", achiness and a patchy face. It's just niggles when looked at without context. When I started digging I found I have quite a few of the niggly symptoms and a lot of it crosses over with fibromyalgia (yes, that was what I meant )

I think you need to look at life in ten years, nothing changes but everyone gets older, is this a life you want to add a child into? No one can tell you to LTB it has to be your choice and this sounds like one of the times where it really needs to be one you have to think on yourself. You need to look to the future and decide what you want it to look like. The other thing to consider, if you split up, do you want to raise a child with him as the other parent?

[fackinell]

DP has been great since and not mentioned it again, hopefully we can make it work. He is pretty gutted I want to take some time off from trying or maybe not try at all. Can't make up my mind, when I have dreams like that one I think I'm desperate to be a mum. The love I have for the child in the dream is huge. It must be like that in real life and I want that feeling for real!

[fackinell]

Thanks, Confuddled. My DM has rheumatoid arthritis and sis had fibromyalgia (is that the fibro you mean?) we will definitely get checked out. It's sounding more and more like an immune issue the more I read the links.

[confuddledDOTcom]

You should ask to see a rhumatologist or immunologist (not many places have those so rhumies tend to do the work) and there must be a specialist gynae who deals with recurrent miscarriage - possibly at a pre-pregnancy clinic. You need to have everything taken and counted. As I said before, whatever is causing it could have non-pregnant affects on you. I didn't realise half of mine, we just thought I fainted a lot and just get cold (I have Raynauds as part of the Hughes) but I a few symptoms I wrote off and now when I start having issues they are taken more seriously (I was diagnosed with fibro first time I complained to my rhumie of pain).

You've still got time you cold meet the man of your dreams by summer and this time next year be planning a baby with the correct treatment! Never say never

[fackinell]

Thanks for the link! Shall check it out I'm a fair bit from London (unfortunately) but need no excuse to go to my other home. Spent many years living there and bloody love the place.

Dreams like that are a bastard! I have them a lot and in them I don't remember being pg and 'a real mum' comes along and takes them away.

I may not say to my friends but just being around them will cheer me up. I'm giving a (humorous) talk at a social function and its going to be a great laugh. Just what I need

Not too anxious about my age, shall sort out tests, give my career a big push and enjoy some social times with friends. By the end of summer I should be ready to go again. I'm not a very emotional person, I just hoik up the big girl pants and move on. My life has made me very tough I tend to see a funny side to most things (not MC obv) and just move on. Off to have a look at your linky.

[livingzuid]

Vino, chatter and a good cry with friends always helps. Don't need me to tell you to take it easy, how horrid for you :( your dreams made me weepy as well. But it can happen 43 is not yet over the hill.

When you have the strength and mental energy do go to a specialist. Depends on where you are and your budget but the foetal medical centre in London gets rave reviews.

I found this linky which may be worth a read at some point as it seems to explain why they won't fund tests! www.hfea.gov.uk/fertility-treatment-options-reproductive-immunology.html

[fackinell]

Thank Tootles, I will try. Off on hol to visit friends tomorrow night, so looking forward to that. Can't beat good company to cheer you up.

[TootlesPootles]

. Look after yourself and try not to do too much yikes! I sound like my Mum
Hope you feel better soon

[fackinell]

I feel like crap, Living. Bleeding a fair bit and could sleep for a week. Helping DP until 2, with his business, then I'll rest up. It's nothing strenuous, just taking enquiries
and booking in jobs. To make it worse, I had a dream about having a two yr old daughter, she kept giving me hugs and kisses. I often have these dreams and someone always comes along and tells me I'm not their mum and takes them away. That didn't happen in this one, my DM kept saying 'of course she's yours, silly,' woke up deflated.

You know, I actually wondered about my allergies and why my body was responding that way. I get really itchy eyes, sneezing, skin irritations and recurrent thrush. After hol I will look into booking an appointment with a specialist. No NHS referrals fir immune issues. I told MW to see if there as anything I could take but their wasn't. She didn't seem concerned so I wasn't. Interesting...

[fackinell]

Confuddled, I think your DP's approach to it is much fairer. Some men get so blinded by putting their DC first all the time, especially if their OH is a SM. We are told all the time that children come first, but like someone said before, this was a want not a need.

[livingzuid]

I am sure I read somewhere that if you get lots of allergies when pg to check for auto immune problems. There is a lovely thread on the mc section of mn for ladies who have had recurrent problems so may be worth dropping in to get some advice and support there as they are so knowledgeable

[livingzuid]

Fakin :( how are you this morning?

A break from it all sounds excellent.

[confuddledDOTcom]

I asked my OH the OP as if it was me. He said he would tell them "sorry, nice idea but not a good idea at the moment" and he agreed with me, unusual circumstances that people need to live with.