Too sensitive for AIBU...

[fackinell]

...but very gently, am I?

I posted earlier about my fantastic DP on MC thread but actually, if I'm not wrong, he's being a bit of a shit tonight.

I'm threatening MC (no3) Loss of pg symptoms, bleeding and cramps yesterday but its calmed down today. DSD 17 was supposed to be with us Tues and fri but decided last minute not to (these are her scheduled days. Welcome any other time too but tends to stick to her usual times.)

At lunchtime I asked DP if we had any plans today and was relieved we didn't as I feel like shit and want to just veg. DSD text at teatime to say she would like to stay tonight instead as she missed her days. I said that I really wasn't feeling up to seeing anyone and would it be ok on this one occasion to say not tonight, sorry. I was very nice about it but it doesn't matter who it is, I'm not feeling up to seeing anyone. After a massive argument he has stormed out. I think he may have told his DD the truth which I am totally pissed off about as her mum's family have had a go at me before for daring to be pg! So as not to drip feed, she left him years before we met.

Now I feel even more shit and stressed as he is furious at me. Is it so wrong to need time and space given the circumstances? I didn't suggest she not come round yesterday (but as I was feeling rubbish I was relieved she didn't.) I don't mess with her usual days, I just needed to feel crap tonight with DP knowing the situation and not make small talk.

Be kind please. After saying how wonderful he is I'm now thinking LTB! I agree his DD should come first but not at the detriment to me if there's a genuine reason.

Yes, Fluffy, of course it is but I was asked if I minded if she stayed and on this instance I just didn't feel up to it. This would have applied to anyone that wanted to come round. I just didn't realise my choice was actually not valued.

Maybe, Ken, it's not the most pleasant experience and rest is definitely best IMO. I just wanted shit telly to distract me and a bath if need be without having to lock the door in case I felt unwell. She is of course, always welcome, but there are some instances I wouldn't want anyone to see me in.

Thanks Spindley. I asked what he had said to his DD just so I could know what to expect if she knows. I was told it was none of my business. Funny how you think you know someone until they feel you're making them choose (I wasn't, just a polite 'not tonight, please' request.)He's shown that no matter what the circumstances that he doesn't have my back. Maybe this explains why he was eight years on his own...,

I think people automatically 'side' with the step children as its so damaging and cruel when step children feel unwanted and pushed out.

However this is not what's happening here, and as many people have said, when they've been going through similiar their own dc have gone to stay with relatives etc.

She is 17, has behaved appallingly previously and no, if she can't behave then why on earth would you put yourself in that position. However, more worrying is your dp 's behaviour. I suspect he has created a situation where his daughter is allowed to be unpleasant and selfish towards you.

Just look after yourself for now, don't make any decisions. But after, it may be time to take a good hard look at this man and decide if what he gives you (emotionally speaking), is more than what he takes. But don't decide now love, you need to focus on yourself and mind numbing tv.

I'm very sorry this is happening to you. I have nothing to add, as I think SpindlySpindler said it very well. Please take care of yourself.

Thanks Misc and secret. Just so he knows I am angry at him I told him to look out all my cases from the attic tomorrow. Stupid, but I couldn't resist as he was acting like nothing has happened. in his mind I've got my own way tonight. Its not what it was about but that's the way he will see it. We are supposed to be going on holiday this wk but I may just go alone. It's not abroad and I will have good friends around me if I need help.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
And it's very bad that your DP has been so unsupportive at this difficult time.
Sometimes you have to come first; this is one of those times, IMO.
Take care

"Might get flamed here but I suspect everyone who is saying YABU haven't gone through a MC"

I might get flamed here, and it's a terrible situation, but forcing someone into what essentially amounts to a "it's me or your daughter" choice is IMO BU.

And I suspect quite a few posters here, if they were honest with themselves, would not react that differently to the OH here. They may have been more sensitive in the way they handled it, but no ways would they turn their daughter away.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you regularly told the dsd not to come over it would be different. This is an exceptional circumstance, you were polite and if the dsd can occasionally change her days you should be able to as well due to illness.

Your dp could ave just said you had the flu or something and taken dsd out for dinner instead. Telling dsd about the pregnancy is overstepping the mark, manipulative and denies you privacy. Does he respect your needs at all? Dsd is an adult and should understand that her needs are not centre of the universe, she will be a miserable adult if she expects to be.

"it's me or your daughter" is a bit dramatic. I don't think one nights change is the same as choosing a relationship over a daughter.

My own daughter has to cope when I can't make it to school events, have an adults night out or go to work. That's completely normal, healthy dynamic of a family. I'm guessing dsd uses guilt and manipulation about the divorce as a way to be self centred.

Yes, telling her something very private about my health is bang out of order IMO. Particularly given the past behaviour of her mother's side of the family. They harassed me in the beginning, texting my colleague to slag me off, turning up in the night hammering on the bedroom window drunk and yelling obscenities. Please bear in mind that he was long single when I met him. This is not fair or acceptable behaviour!

My last two MCs involved sitting in the toilet for long stretches at a time, flooding with no notice involving changes of clothes, bloody agony and random emotional outbursts. To all those well-meaning 'poor DSD' people, can you at least see why that makes me want privacy? There are times when the rights of children (that don't involve safety) need to go on the back burner for one night, and one that's not even a usual one.

If that makes me unreasonable them I'll take that on the chin.

If you were a family your health would not be private. You want her to be an outsider. She is not an outsider though.

I'm not in the habit of making my health business public knowledge to my family, Hopping. They're not even aware that I am pg. And I especially won't announce it to someone who will pass this info on for it to be used against me, again! He has no right to pass this information on without my consent. It's nobody's business but mine, his and the EPAC team.

I don't think her being in the house would have been that much of a big deal, unless you think of her as an outsider. I understand that you are upset and wanted time to yourself but when you have a family getting the whole house to yourself isn't always possible. This does not mean your OH doesn't care about you. He has been unreasonable by storming off and you have been unreasonable by insisting his daughter could not come. You are probably both just upset.

I don't think her being in the house would have been that much of a big deal, unless you think of her as an outsider. I understand that you are upset and wanted time to yourself but when you have a family getting the whole house to yourself isn't always possible. This does not mean your OH doesn't care about you. He has been unreasonable by storming off and you have been unreasonable by insisting his daughter could not come. You are probably both just upset.

He's not upset, Hopping, he's sleeping in the sofa, very supportive! It would be nice to even have a grudged offer of a hot water bottle or something.

Of course I don't see her as an outsider. After all I have said I don't understand why you think that. If my DM or DSis asked to come round tonight I would say exactly the same.

They can have all the time in the world together soon anyway, without even having to pretend to ask if I mind. My cramps have kicked off again and I will be pissing off as soon as I feel up to carrying five cases, a cat and a fucking table!

It may be better to wait until you are not so upset before you do anything. You should rest, relax and worry about your OH another day. Take care.

So sorry you are going through this and I hope you get good news and it is a false alarm.

One thing that struck me, as the mother of two teenage girls, is you not having DSD's number. I have the numbers of my DD's friends (and their mothers) and they are very useful for when phones run out of battery and for making arrangements and of course would be essential in the case of an emergency.

Thanks Hopping.

She doesn't want me to have it, Cerisier. She wasn't keen to give me the old one either and changed it a couple of months later. I'm also can't see much on her FB page. He will ask if I've seen her new hairdo etc and I don't. I think I'm in the acquaintance section. Fair enough but it's not great for family relations.

oh dear that is awful fack, she really doesn't like you, does she .

Crumbs. Most teens I know would friend their neighbour's cat if it had a fb page. She really IS acting out, isn't she!

If my DD was to act like this to her SM, if her SM fell pg again, I would be, as a PP says, making her apologise in a letter, or more likely face to face, and that apology would include my apology to DD's SM and various not-yet-thought-of punishments for my DD!

I would be SO disappointed if my Dd did something like this.

I have to say, when my DC4 was sb, his father's lack of support was a huge factor in our following break up.

My thoughts are with you.

(And WHY do we still not have a chocolate bar emoticon?!)

You're being perfectly reasonable. Wanting privacy when mc from someone who has treated you poorly in the past is fair and reasonable. Even if it were one of her scheduled nights which is not, you've got the right to privacy in your home.

When our son was stillborn I requested that we took a month off from weekend access--I simply could not bring myself to have my DSD in the house given how she behaved towards me. DH kicked off about it but I still feel I wasn't stopping him from seeing her, I was for bloody once putting myself first.

Has her father addressed the fact she rejects you (I can't see refusing to give you her phone number anything other than a rejection) and spoken to her about basic manners? She sounds an unbelievable stroppy teen and about 14 not 17.

You didn't split her parents up and she is old enough to know this and be more mature about her father's relationships.

At choc bar emoticon.

How awful for you both having stillborn babies, that would be utterly devastating. And shame on the DH who didn't support.

No, she really doesn't seem to like me. The first no was given out due to us going on holiday, she needed both in case we parted company and she couldn't find us. I actually thought at the time, I wonder if she will change it. She did.

She does come across as young for her age but its because she's never had to take any responsibility. She can't cook a basic meal, has damaged property and refused to help fix it. He doesn't address the issues as he mostly feels she has done no wrong. On occasion that he does, he says its not worth the hassle as she will strop and won't come round for a while. This sends him into an absolute panic.

He gives in all the time. She will ask him to take her to a party via the offy and sarcastically say, 'er, are you not paying for this?' The wallet is out pdq. I try to do nice things like slip her 20 quid to take her Dad out for a birthday tea etc, but i would never try and buy her. She's incredibly subtle in her dislike of me, she is never rude to my face but has walked passed me in the street, looking very obviously and unnaturally in the other direction. I once caught her looking directly at me before quickly looking away in town. I've waited a long time for her to grow out of this behaviour but as the baby on one side and only child on the other, this could take a while.

Just wanted to add that her attitude towards me didn't play a part in not wanting her (or anyone else) around last night. I'm long used to that!

She even went crazy when my cat moved in saying she wasn't consulted. She has one of her own living with us but claimed to be allergic to mine. Making a huge deal about taking an antihistamine, gagging on it and saying it need chopped up. I had to leave the room with the pandering over that!