How do we all cope with the mundanity of very long term relationships?

[Mintyy]

I have been with dh since 1991, married in 1994.

He is fabulous in many ways. Infuriating in many ways. And also has things about him that I would not tolerate in anyone else, but then anyone else is not the father of my beloved dc.

I sincerely wonder about the next 20-30 years. I'm not sure I can put up with sharing my life and being answerable to someone for all that time! I think I'd like to live on my own, but is that unrealistic? Would I be lonely?

I guess this is classic mid life crisis.

(He isn't my husband, btw. I'm yet to grant him that pleasant surprise.)

If you want you DP to stop being so predictable you need to engineer situations in which he will have to be different.

And, yes, the onus is on you!

You could chuck out all his clothes so he has to buy completely new ones. I did that. It was very inspired!

He would still be the same person, though, just in different clothes. That's my point.

I am not, for a variety of reasons not least energy levels and the need to earn a living, about to go and fill my life with a selection of charming new partners. But it isn't that controversial to agree with Mintyy that life day in day out with the same damn person has its limitations. That's all.

That's where you are wrong: changing the way you look can help you change the way you are inside. Out of date clothes = out of date thoughts.

It is extremely useful to discard old possessions in the process of acquiring new thoughts.

I think if you wait Until you know yourself and choose the right person you don't get bored.

That's where you are wrong: changing the way you look can help you change the way you are inside. Out of date clothes = out of date thoughts.

It is extremely useful to discard old possessions in the process of acquiring new thoughts.

Maybe you could try changing your MN nickname? It does very much vector the impression, amply confirmed by your posting history, that you don't think very much of yourself of your family and that this is a structural problem that gives you a get-out clause for not trying to make changes for the better. And that mindset cannot possibly be making your relationship fun and vibrant....

I change clothes loads as does do but we remain the same It is fashion that drives that You cannot alter the core of someone with a new jumper! You need to talk and do things together. I find dps clothes items that I consider dodgy part of him and part of why I still find him interesting as I really cannot fathom some of his choices

Dp not do

The jumper doesn't alter the core but a new look (one item dies not suffice) can liberate people and allow them to entertain new ideas and lifestyles that they hadn't previously allowed themselves. There is a great deal of self-censorship in styling choices that are the outward reflection if self-censorship of ideas and life choices. Changing clothing, which is easy to help someone with, can nudge them along.

Chucking out someones clothes is hugely disrespectful. Imagine if a woman came on here and said her dh threw out all her clothes to force a change!

My DP was fantastically relieved! The clothes were a huge burden of external censorship (largely presents) and he was relieved of the guilt of rejecting things that weren't who he was and could blame me instead!

lololololololol@ the key to long term relationship success being throwing away all your partner's clothes! That is so funny. Are you going to try it, Mintyy?

Did you buy his new clothes for him bonsoir or did he have to go naked shopping?

He bought his new clothes - we went together and he took a lot of advice in one particular shop which he loved. Nowadays he knows what he wants and likes and it's all a lot quicker.

I think relationships are about more than clothes but I agree it helps to marry the "right" person. To enter it without doubts. I had no doubts, we are more than comfortable, our two DC both healthy and bright. Along the way we have have had our troubles - we have lost a baby son and our fathers, we have had our ups and downs and moments of doubt. After nearly 24 years I love him more and he me but I would say it's been hard enough in today's world when ebverything has been right and more or less gone our way. It must be terribly hard when the equilibrium is less than very good.

he still has a cardigan and jacket his ex bought him - I am looking forward to them going; the rest went when we moved recently, but I didn't have the heart

Would like him home now - still at bleddy work!

What if they were (and are) the 'right person' (you share the same values, you're good friends, they've never hurt you, you can have fun together, you are devoted parents) ...but the chemistry/spark's gone?

Does that mean they weren't right or that they were but sometimes the feeling goes?

I am not sure about that tbh. I was in a relationship for 7 yrs it fizzled out and I left. been with current dp 22 years and is pretty much the same in terms of being friends and being attracted etc as in the beginning. we have been through a lot of serious things I had renal failure and cancer. and my dps sister was found dead a few years ago and no one ever knew what happened but it has made us closer if anything. we a big talkers though and both agree on the basics but for us health and happiness and us are the priority and everything else is a side issue.

I don't know can only soeak for us.

Thinking that changing someone's clothes style is significant is the most shallow response to this issue I think I've ever heard. Even our cat knows that when we change our jumpers we're still the same people. The conversation most of us are trying to have here is a little deeper than that.

And actually suggesting that another user change her username because it shows humility is just beyond the pale. Humility is the solid foundation of all virtues. Most posters here have been incredibly brave and real. As Thomas Merton said, makes us artificial but humility makes us real.

I have a hell of a lot more respect for those posters who are able to show weakness and don't pretend to have all the answers. A poster who comes in and gives a flippant response to that honesty is living a shallow, unexamined life as evidenced by posts on this and many other threads. Live your life as you want to but if you aren't able to look deeply at yourself you have absolutely no right to criticise those who do have that ability.

That quote was meant to be "Pride makes us artificial but humility makes us real." If I have to make a silly mistake, might as well make it when typing out a quote about humility .

Amen