How do we all cope with the mundanity of very long term relationships?

[Mintyy]

I have been with dh since 1991, married in 1994.

He is fabulous in many ways. Infuriating in many ways. And also has things about him that I would not tolerate in anyone else, but then anyone else is not the father of my beloved dc.

I sincerely wonder about the next 20-30 years. I'm not sure I can put up with sharing my life and being answerable to someone for all that time! I think I'd like to live on my own, but is that unrealistic? Would I be lonely?

I guess this is classic mid life crisis.

I wonder if we've discovered a pattern here - I'm another one with a "shifting sand" childhood who loves having a rock for a partner.

We spend plenty of time apart and don't expect the other to fill all our needs in terms of friendship, conversation, etc. however we are best friends. We go on separate holidays from time to time and have our own hobbies, yet we know we can count on each other completely. It's great.

To sum up so far:

Its about being able to have own space or be able to make own decisions with out referencing someone else or even having to consult.

The question is to what extent. For a few, never is is good, for many the odd weekend away or the natural distance through working or having separate hobbies suffices and for some (on the other end of the distribution curve) days and days alone would be ideal.

Does the key to happiness lie in finding a partner in the same space spectrum as yourself - or being with someone who may have a different space requirement but can work around/with yours (or be trained to do so)?

DH & I both fall into the middle ground so co-exist quite peacefully barring minor annoyances from time to time. On the other hand, DM is by nature a hermit and DF is not. Which may be why their relationship is so tempestuous. I don't think they were ever really friends before they wed - they sort of assessed each other as suitable co-progenitors. Now the kids are long gone, there is no longer a mutual goal - other than to resent the other for not being on the same space spectrum.

Sex drive (and any incompatibility thereof) is probably a whole nother layer of complexity...

"I don't really enjoy emotional rollercoasters all that much: I had much rather be able to get on with my work. I don't need a partner to provide me with drama."

I'm the same. I couldn't live my life like SGB because I couldn't so with starting all over again on a frequent basis. In fact I wouldn't even know how to go and meet men (and I don't think I CBA either). I'm not at all saying it is wrong, it just isn't for me. Just as she would die of boredom if she had my lifestyle.

OH and I do spend a fair amount of time apart and I think it helps. DD and I went on holiday last year without him when he was on his travels (much to MIL's disapproval )

sorry dont want to hijack ( and ill start a new thread if people want ) but what about sex and intimacy long term? (and no I'm not trying to get smutty here nor am soliciting peoples inmate details thanks ).

Someone else mentioned this upthread briefly .. weve been together a long time and I could not (and would not want to ) imagine life without him .. but I'm post menopausal.. my libido has taken off to somewhere outside the universe , whereas his hasn't .. its not causing problems now .. but down the line?

I'm imagining (perhaps hoping) some of you other long termers may have experienced the same and have carried on .... (i asked this question else where and was told it was my 'duty' to let the 'poor man' go so he could be sexually fulfilled ... )

So how do we deal with intimate relationships long term when the fireworks have died down somewhat ?

Many years ago in a hospital waiting room I watched as the sweetest old couple were gently being spoken to by a nurse.When she had finished the old gent turned to his wife'does that mean i've got the all clear dear',and then proudly to the nurse' we're both 98 you know'
His wife put his trilby on his head ,gave him an unsteady kiss and they both shuffled out holding each other for support.
I dont wonder about the next 40 years ,dont care how dull it is , I just want to be there with my best friend.

I think if the payoff of putting up with Mr Inferior for another 48 years is to be described as a sweet old couple, I'd rather split the assets now.

Completely agree with the posters wanting their partners/DH's to be reliable and steady - I had the dramatic/passionate/emotional roller coaster relationship when I was younger and 6+years of that was enough for me!

I don't think reliable and steady necessarily means boring though!

And I don't think anyone will ever describe DH and I (or MIL/FIL for that matter, and they have been together for 45yrs) as a sweet old couple

I can't bear all this co-decision thing.

Interesting.

I am absolutely addicted to the concept of co-decision and would always rather postpone decisions than impose my views on my family. Getting to a rational win-win decision that is the best achievable goal for us all is pretty much my mantra and raison d'être.

As time goes by we get ever better and ever faster at reaching collective decisions after consultation. Because the level of trust gets greater and greater.

I thought your post was lovely justgivein and I agree with your last post Bonsoir. I'd much rather make big decisions with my DH than on my own.

As time goes by we get ever better and ever faster at reaching collective decisions after consultation. Because the level of trust gets greater and greater.

That's exactly how I feel. We're getting quicker and less awkward and far less likely to hurt each other's feelings.

Yes, the very thought of getting to that point with someone else, makes me shudder- it's takes years!

It's great, isn't it, cory? DP was travelling home by TGV last night and we were having a detailed conversation by SMS where I outlined my plans for this summer for the whole family, plans that I had researched, consulted with all the children on, worked out dates etc. DP trusts my judgement on the destinations and the reactions of the DCs. 8 years ago the same sort of game plan would have taken months my planting seeds, discussing, turning the thing around, letting DP go off and do his own rubbish research and then discussing my ideas with the DC while forgetting the details!

And it's the same for me - if he does something I don't feel the need to double-check everything - he will share the information necessary with me and I trust him not to have omitted anything important.

I agree with Annieorangutam. And howgoodisthat. My relationship is 15 years long and boredom hasn't been an issue. Strangely, big loud emotional arguments aren't encouraged in the long lasting happy marriage but possibly recommended in combating boredom. I find his relentless being hugely irritating but not really boring but then he's pretty interesting and funny if I can ignore things like thumb twiddling and the stupid way he says his "s".

I agree that steady and reliable is great in a co-parenting relationship. My DP is good on these traits.

It's not that I want a long term relationship to be a wild emotional rollercoaster, that sounds exhausting, but ideally I would like to leave space in life for more of the wild emotional unpredictable options. And a cosy, steady, ltr has many benefits but I think it necessarily lessens the possibilities for new unpredictable excitement. Socially, sexually, logistically. Job-wise.

I look at happy older couples trotting cosily around our local area (there are a lot of them where I live). They seem happy. But it's not very thrilling. And I do think one day post children I might trade in the cosy coupledom for unpredictability, even though I know it will perhaps end in tears.

I haven't read the whole thread sorry, but have been together with dh similar amount of time. Regarding the working from home, I'm a sahm so home is my 'base' atm, but dh has the choice of working from home or not. He prefers to work from home, I know he does, but when he does it makes me want to explode after too long. He seems to take over

I just cant be with anyone, even someone I like or love, 24 hrs a day. It drives me bonkers. It actually does us good to be apart. Well it does me. He has an all consuming hobby to go to when he's not at work. I don't, so my 'down' time from 'us' is when he's at work.

Maybe you could explore the idea of a separate holiday for yourself mintyy. I have often wondered about it for me if I'm honest. I dont want to be single, but I do sometimes crave time away if I'm honest.

I have also looked at the Tim Burton/Helena BC next door houses arrangement and nodded to myself thinking how that seems to be the best of all worlds.

I think I prefer to be married. To the right person obviously.

It makes me feel freer in a way.

Like MadAddam I don't actually crave a rollercoaster, or indeed rows; but I wouldn't mind a bit of variety in my life. Beyond all the independent interests time apart yadda yadda yadda - I've got that already.

Hi motherinferior. What do you mean by variety?? Or what does variety mean to you?

Oh, just a bit of a change. Novelty. All the stuff you trade in for security, co-parenting, etc.

I do realise this is a Bad Thing and arguably makes me a Bad Person.

DH and I often talk about the amazing suite of rooms we would have if we won the lottery.

One bedroom, one sitting room, and a bathroom, dressing room and study each.

So that we can do fun things together, like shag and talk, but have our own space at the same time. It would be perfect.

However in the real world...

Presumably you have given up hope of your DH ever giving you a (pleasant) surprise?

Do you think you give him pleasant surprises?

eh? He is a lovely bloke. The point is he is the same bloke. That is, quite simply, my point.

I am sure that life with me is a constant succession of delightful surprises, Bonsoir: I'm quite mercurial