How do we all cope with the mundanity of very long term relationships?

[Mintyy]

I have been with dh since 1991, married in 1994.

He is fabulous in many ways. Infuriating in many ways. And also has things about him that I would not tolerate in anyone else, but then anyone else is not the father of my beloved dc.

I sincerely wonder about the next 20-30 years. I'm not sure I can put up with sharing my life and being answerable to someone for all that time! I think I'd like to live on my own, but is that unrealistic? Would I be lonely?

I guess this is classic mid life crisis.

I got together with dh in 1990, we married in 1994, just had our 19 year anniversary.

I find the OPost very sad.

We've always had a lot in common. Faith, politics, literature, interests. We never run out of things to talk about.

We fight, yes, a lot of our time is mundane with household stuff, dc etc. we've survived the drudgery of his medical training, my PND and pregnancy illnesses, dh's depression, my disability, money probs.

But I still can't think of one other person I'd rather spend time with, talk to, discuss things with, to bring up our dc with, to go through the rough with the smooth with, as dh. There are mundane bits, but our relationship is the central bit of our lives and of our family. We both do things that wind each other up, but for lots of reasons it just doesn't matter in the end. He's been away on a long weekend on call, won't be home till tomorrow night and I miss him.

For some of us, long term relationships aren't a problem!

i totally totally get this. i think i'm also naturally a loner and happiest by myself. i long for hours and hours on my own. of course never get it!

i second getting out of home to work. you can rent those offices - single room, serviced. doesn't cost the earth. might just save your sanity.

and finally, i've heard of married couples who live separately and are all the better for it.

i feel 100% the same. not that there is anything wrong with dh because there isn't. just that i think i am a single person at heart.

I can appreciate your need for solitude. I am in your boat.

To be frank, day to day drudgery and bringing up kids bores the arse off me!

I long for a quiet life, where I can say 'could you wipe the coffee spills of the worktop please' and it doesn't turn into an argument.

Sometimes you have to let things go (like coffee spills) , to have a quiet life- it's all about compromise.
If you pick each other up on every small thing it's a nightmare! Choose your battles.

If DH has made me coffee I don't fuss about some spills on the worktop. I just wipe them up when it is convenient.

I know, I mostly leave it, but it builds up over time and turns into resentment and feeling like a patsy for wiping up after people. Then you get to the point where you leave it and then the home turns into utter chaos very quickly. Coffee spills are the least of our problems regarding home management.

I end up feeling that I can't have my needs or wishes acknowledged.

How hard it is to wipe up the spills/wipe the bin/swish the bath?

Horse: it sounds like your DP considers you a housekeeper and that's not so good (and not that much to do with levels of independence, either). Does he do anything like his share of domestic work, or has he assigned himself all the Man Stuff like an occasionalDIY project and cooking one meal a month with a huge amount of attention-seeking performance art and using every pan in the house?

I'm sure someone up the thread must have said it, but have you thought of getting a shed? For you, not him

Seriously though, perhaps a proper office in a building in the garden would be the way to go, so that you can both work more apart from each other.

Does he have interests that he is happy to pursue on his own/with other like-minded friends whilst you do your own thing/veg in peace?

I completely understand, OP. I work from home, as does OH, and it's really no good for keeping spark and novelty. I know most of what he's done every day so finding new stuff to talk about it harder and I feel his presence all the time rather than looking forward to it in the evenings/weekends. I love getting out of the house. We both are private, independent people but it's a shame not to have a clear divide between work/domestic/fun and they can all blend together into a sort of awkward drudge. I do fantasise also about being single and having my own place, but money means an office is not a possibility. I have always been this way in all relationships and like my own company too.

I find some of the comments on this thread sanctimonious in an almost fate-tempting way. if the relationships board teaches us anything it's that long-term relationships are incredibly hard, complicated and vulnerable to terrible betrayals, realizations, renewals and compromises. I only hope those of you so happy and seemingly perplexed and judgmental of the OP carry on having such perfect times. For those who struggle more with the realities of their attitude to relationships and monogamy, you are not alone and an adult lifetime is a very very long time these days. It's a real challenge to know how to address that romantically.

God it all sounds so grim, I really hope you can find a way to resolve it OP (and others in the same situation).

Solid you've just about summed it up, although he works far harder than me he has a higher dirt and mess threshold.

Our problems aren't housework though, it's the lack of support that I feel - which he doesn't get because he doesn't need it himself, that is a problem. I never quite know whether he's going to back me up or not.

I've been married for millennia .

I actually love the mundanity. Chatting, making lists, sharing a meal and bottle of wine, watching box sets, reading the papers. I hope to be able to do it until one of us dies .

But, and it's a big but, we're not together all that much. DH works long hours and I have the house to myself most days (I work from home). Even at weekends, DH will often take the kids cycling and later spend a couple of hours reading, listening to music, while I cook (in separate rooms).

This makes it much easier to tolerate those things that one would not tolerate in another.

I think it's naïve to think that most of us don't tolerate things in long term relationships. I'm certain that some things I do drive DH mad. That's just realistic, no?

Oh and a couple both working from home can be disaterous!

A friend of mine who works from home and whose husband recently retired says she's ready to kill him. Even his breathing is doing her nut in!

tessa I take issue with your "sanctimonious" comment

I replied early on thread to say basically it shouldn't be tough and if you finding it so there is something that needs putting right (to paraphrase)

is no-one allowed to talk about their healthy relationships on here ?

you are

DH & I have been together since 1990 & like others on this thread, I don't have to cope with mundanity, I would hate to be without him.

Like you I am fiercely independent, but I am lucky that DH also needs his own space. We do a lot of stuff separately, which would not be right for everyone, but it works for us.

I find my marriage exciting and fulfilling and I look forward to its unwinding saga over the coming years. If I was bored of life with DH, I wouldn't accept it. But I am not, I love it.

Clearly, changes are required in your life, but that does not necessarily have to mean splitting up.

Fair enough. Not sure why you'd think I was referring to you, I wasn't. I agree. I read the OP's original post as utterly normal and common in terms of my experiences and those I speak to about similar things. (Of course normal doesn't mean unimprovable, or even satisfactory necessarily. I agree that a feeling of distress of even boredom requires action and addressing by both the people in a relationship, maybe even drastically.)

It wouldn't be my first response to to a friend in need of advice to eulogize my own relationship and subtly undermine the way she was feeling. I think a lot of posters here are being very sympathetic, humorous and practically useful. I think a few shocked me with responding quite so self-satisfiedly considering, but I am genuinely happy they have found something so fulfilling and unambiguous in their relationships.

Oh tessa! didn't you know we do have a few very self satisfied posters on mn.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for all contributions, all are warmly welcomed.

Yes, I often feel that if finances allowed I would love an arrangement like Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton. Or Margaret Drabble and Michael Holroyd.

Where dh and I really differ is that he would see living next door to each other in separate houses as unnatural and "sad" (to quote a few posters on this thread). Whereas I would think it was great and unimprovable.

He mainly wants to see himself as one half of a couple, in the way that some of you have written about on here, whereas I am not quite so married to that idea!

He isn't clingy though. He is a lot of womens' ideal partner afaik. I often think he would be better off with someone who would appreciate him more.

well, tessa, my ego is not quite sufficiently large enough to think you were referring solely to me

but as I rarely talk about my own relationship on here and it seems this board is full of bloody awful ones (not referring to OP here) it seems a shame to label some posters "sanctimonious" when they are simply using their own example to illustrate that a partnership should not be hard work

"bloody awful ones" or just not perfectly happy ones?

Perhaps I've missed the bloody awful ones.

Well we're 11 years so I don't know if we count, but yes, there are things about DP that drive me utterly bonkers. As I'm sure there are things about me that annoy him. I think that's normal.

He has his hobbies (as do I) and we both have downtime doing our own things as well as spending time together.

I believe my life is better with him than without him. I do miss him when he's off on business and I know he misses me when I'm away. This does not mean I enjoy the fact that he apparently can't get his head around the laundry basket despite having a postgraduate qualification I think that's fairly normal though. I know he thinks I have an aversion to the hoover so it's probably fair as well.

We tend to have separate hobbies but socialise together. Works for us so far.