How do we all cope with the mundanity of very long term relationships?

[Mintyy]

I have been with dh since 1991, married in 1994.

He is fabulous in many ways. Infuriating in many ways. And also has things about him that I would not tolerate in anyone else, but then anyone else is not the father of my beloved dc.

I sincerely wonder about the next 20-30 years. I'm not sure I can put up with sharing my life and being answerable to someone for all that time! I think I'd like to live on my own, but is that unrealistic? Would I be lonely?

I guess this is classic mid life crisis.

Is he a bit controlling, do you think? You say he expects you to be available to him at all times?

Minty have you been harbouring any resentment towards your husband that might be affecting your tolerance levels? I found as I became more angry with my XH over his lack of support and help that I got more irritated with his bad habits. Unfortunately I was in full martyr mode and didn't address the problem until our marriage was irretrievably damaged.
Now some years on I am with a lovely DP who makes me happy. he has some of the same bad habits but they don't jar at all. It was me not him!

I don't think so Porto. He just expects me to want to converse with him at all times. Its very hard to explain. It all boils down to having a sincere and heartfelt wish to live on my own.

I am NOT a needy person.

Gah.

The great thing is that you don't have to do the next 20 years - you only have to do today and perhaps tomorrow.

I sure relate to the question. I regard staying married as a decision I make every day. A lot of the time it's a positive decision - dh has fabulous qualities and brings out the best in me too. But there are days when tbh it is hard, and I don't regard the relationship as invalid because of that. It's the struggle that makes you human. I know when I lived on my own life was way easier a lot of the time and I have frequent the occasional hankering, but life was also a lot less interesting - I sometimes think I've achieved most of what I've achieved because of what being a partner and a parent demands of me.

I can understand.

My relationship is very happy (I am, at least!) loving and actually not at all mundane. (only 8 years down the line tho)

Yet I liked being single too. I like not collaborating and not discussing and not sharing. I think it's a personality thing - if you're an introvert, no matter how nice the people are around you, they still are bloody in yer face.

I can only suggest nurturing that 'alone' side of yourself, maybe agree to go awol once every few weeks, so you get plenty of time away from people.

I can completely appreciate what you mean, op. I have realised that I'm just not cut out to be in a relationship (perhaps a very long distance one!). I'm now single and I have realised that I don't wish to compromise enough to be in a relationship. The commitment of having a child is more than enough for me, and I have no room for a partner in my life. Privacy is very important to me too. I have great friends though which obviously helps. I feel so lucky not to have to worry about anyone else in that way any more.
I do accept that my feelings may well have been shaped by having had relationships with some right wankers in the past, but I think I've always wanted to live on my own since being a child, but for some reason I ended up with long term, live-in relationships

You know, some people just function better on their own. I've seen 2 examples of that - the woman in a couple who were friends with my parents, still loved her DH but just craved solitude. They separated at her request, he was very upset, but they now live apart, meet regularly and even go on holiday together. My mum and dad were married for many years until mum died 2 years ago. Dad is a solitary person, whereas mum was very sociable - he was a pretty difficult person to live with. Since she died he seems very happy in his own company - goes off travelling when he wants, potters about in the garden.

I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to be on your own - having adjacent flats with connecting doors (with doorbell) seems like a good compromise

Mintyy I can identify!

'having adjacent flats with connecting doors (with doorbell)'

Sounds like heaven on earth, but the trouble for me would be that I would sit in my flat, enjoying the fact that i COULD ring the doorbell, but never actually doing it. I think dh would pretty soon get fed up of that.

marry the person you could not live without, not the one you could live with

Good advice before the fact maybe, and perhaps I think I may mention it to my young sons before they get old enough for this sort of decision, but not any use to anyone after the wedding.

I couldn't stand to live with or marry anyone. I like a lot of time to myself (and a variety of sexual partners when I feel so inclined - most people get boring when you've had sex with them a dozen times or so).

Luckily DS was always a) a good sleeper and b) a fairly independent boy. He likes books, TV and computer games so he isn't constantly demandingconversation and when he's in bed I have plenty of time to myself.

Sending you sympathy, OP. You are not the only one. There are actually quite a lot of people who don't like longterm couple-relationships, yet because of the relentless propaganda about soulmates and Other Halves and how people (particularly women) have somehow failed in life if they are single, too many people engage in longterm relationships which make them miserable.

a sincere and heartfelt wish to live on my own

I'd settle with a room of my own to satisfy my desire. We even have a guest room I could use. The trouble is that although I have this instinct to be alone, I don't know when I'd use it as I just like being with DH and would probably never just take myself off. It's tempting in the middle of the night when I can't sleep though his snoring though.

I relate to you too OP but when I got married I was needy and dependent and as we've got older DH has remained as someone who thrives in a relationship and I am evolving into someone who actively seeks solitude more and more.

However we do have two small children who I am stuck at home with (can't currently work) so he gets his alone and grown up time whereas I have to make an effort and secure his support to do so. So I'm doing a week long bike ride from San Francisco to LA in June just to get away from it all!

I also think I will always regret never having the opportunity to live by myself, even just for a short while

That sounds great Americas! I'm jealous.

Minty, having er diagnosed you over the Internet as an introvert, I suggest you read Susan cains book, 'quiet' - and then whack DH over the head with it.

The trouble is that although I have this instinct to be alone, I don't know when I'd use it as I just like being with DH

Absolutely.

Well it sounds like you are not happy in your relationship, certainly. Can you get a break to have some time to think? Always welcome (kids too) to come visit me. I couldn't cope with having someone else police my every move

Is it your dh or your life that is mundane? We have only been married 10 years, but are definitely not sitting around doing crossword puzzles and I doubt we ever will be. Get out there and do what you want to do and go wherever you want to do.

I get you Mintyy, It IS boring, it can also be rather lovely, but I think it is a little unnatural at times. I love my own company and know what you mean about longing for that solitude. I think some people are just needy and some are independent.

I see where you are coming from and I have felt the same at times but now it seems to be less frequent.
I think one of the tricks is remembering that you are your own person and not answerable to your dh just because you happen to be married.

I found that being realistic like you have been in this post helped too. You know they aren't perfect and can be intolerable at times, but I suppose we can be too.

Having interests that he doesn't share in at all also helps, as did having dd 10 who has kept us both feeling young , she wasn't planned but has changed the dynamic of the family.

If you think you are an independent woman who could and can manage on your own this may help too, remembering that you choose to be with your dh as you could equally choose not to be.

We have been married for 21 years and together for 25 years and I know exactly where you are coming from.

Good luck and try the independent thought, it worked for me.

Sounds like a lot of these dhs sound controlling

"if you're an introvert, no matter how nice the people are around you, they still are bloody in yer face."
I can completely relate to this. I love dh and don't want to be without him. But I also want to be on my own. I have often suggested he get a job (when weve been looking at one, not just a suggestion out od the blue) that would involve him staying away during the week. I couldn't do it as I couldnt be apart from the dc that long. Turns oit he feels the same.

I've never lived on my own - went from parents to uni to shared flats to moving in with DH. (We've been together since 1997, so not as long as some on this thread!) That suits me - I've never wanted to live alone - although I will admit to enjoying the odd night on my own when DH is out. I can totally understand that some people do have more of a need for independence / solitude than me, and that long term marriages are perhaps harder for those people.

Have you ever come across the introverts thread in Other Subjects, Mintyy? Might be worth asking this same question on it.

Agree with Annie that you need to get out more new activities and interests.My bil and L both have 22 year marriages probably because we,re both out alot ,ships in the Night with jobs .Also My wife sees her friends does voluntary work in the evenings .
We sometimes go Cinema gym and see friends together and just chill in the lounge but only maybe twice a week ,just need to keep it fresh maybe.

I'm with you OP my partner isn't (says we're too busy to get even contemplate it) - met in '87 married '93 3 DCs. But to stay sane we try to have our own friends, own interests, very rarely socialise with each other's work colleagues. And I look at people growing old alone I know I will be much happier with my partner for all our faults.

Does he have a garden shed? Or better yet, do you, OP? Not just a basic one but with power and light and an electric kettle and bookshelves and a comfy chair etc etc? I have also heard, from a long married couple, that the key to a happy marriage is having separate sitting rooms. And then there is Virginia Woolf and A Room of Her Own.

Basically I think the answer is to carve out a physical space that is just yours, where he knows not to disturb you unless it's a dire emergency. The idea that you should be available to him 24/7 is not a good one and would drive me absolutely mad, too.

Unless your DH is clingy and insecure it should be possible to have a lot of the independence and privacy you crave within your marriage. And if he is clingy and insecure then maybe get counselling to work out why, and what you can both do to get your needs met. Of course all this (space, counselling) assumes a certain amount of financial freedom as well so apologies if this is not your situation.