How do we all cope with the mundanity of very long term relationships?

[Mintyy]

I have been with dh since 1991, married in 1994.

He is fabulous in many ways. Infuriating in many ways. And also has things about him that I would not tolerate in anyone else, but then anyone else is not the father of my beloved dc.

I sincerely wonder about the next 20-30 years. I'm not sure I can put up with sharing my life and being answerable to someone for all that time! I think I'd like to live on my own, but is that unrealistic? Would I be lonely?

I guess this is classic mid life crisis.

It's good to hear other perspectives, positive and negative. The thing that makes a very long term relationship hard is that you lose perspective completely. I can hardly remember what it was like at the beginning let alone what I used to be like before I met him.

So hearing about happy healthy relationships that aren't perfect is helpful to me.

This thread makes for very interesting reading.

DH and I are lucky in that we're quite similar in how we feel about spending time with each other. We met at work, and although our paths have diverged we've often worked from home together and don't find it a chore to be around each other a lot.

Having said that, we both like time to ourselves, and as far as we are able to with small children we try to achieve it. Both of us feel able to say 'I need some time on my own' without the other one getting annoyed.

Mintyy we rent an office locally which DH uses sometimes. It doesn't cost all that much - might that be an option?
Or you can get ready-made offices that will go in your garden. They are a few thousand but come with power, and then you aren't in the same building?

Dh and I have been together since 1984, though the first 10 years were mainly a long distance relationship. Mundane doesn't seem to be a problem (in fact, after 10 years of coping with dd's health problems a spot of mundanity would go down just fine).

These things help:

we both have interesting but different jobs and hobbies so don't depend totally on each other for intellectual/emotional satisfaction

we both work out of the house

we have very similar levels of introvercy/extrovercy

dh is not whiny

dh is quite a confident person so if I expressed a need for space he wouldn't take that personally or make it about himself

Mintyy, the only reason I haven't killed Mr Inferior long ago is that we live in a house where it is possible to have an entire floor sandwiched between us. (Loft conversion. Higgledy-piggledy house.)

Though fundamentally, the bottom line is that IMO it is a bit boring, having to put up with the same person year after year. There are often compensations, such as not having to reveal one's spare tyres to a new peruser, but however fascinating the person, there's a limit to the dazzling novelty they can produce after a decade or so.

I suspect the ideal solution is one I'd get drummed off MN with torches for suggesting, and in any case it would take far too much admin for me.

I don't see how a very long term relationship can't get a bit boring. Especially concerning sex. Which, IMO, is just much more enticing when there's a degree of novelty. 19 years on, it's stale. And I find it hard to imagine that it could be otherwise. Not if you find change and novelty more of a turn-on than familiarity.

My DP is lovely in many respects and I think I'm lucky really but it's a trade-off. Cosy coupledom and parenting stability, but losing the independence and sexual excitement which I might otherwise have.

I have quite a vivid fantasy of having my own little (tidy! minimalist!) flat one day and popping back to see Dp at weekends. I might do that once the dc are grown up. DP is a home-loving type and I like to travel around and have a lot of change. So that's a plan I might follow up when we are childfree.

We are 17 years in.
I don't know about mundane, I do know there are times that I actually want to hit DH over the head with a frying pan because he won't stop talking to me.
Especially in the morning. Normally he goes to work at 6am, on the occasions he is at home when me and DCs are getting ready for work/school he is forever trying to show me something or have a conversation.
I have learnt to say - please stop talking. And he has learnt to not be offended by that

I enjoy the times he has to go away for work, not that often, every 3-4 months he's away for a few days and it's nice and peaceful and no one talks through the news, or eastenders.
But then I like if when he comes back.

He is a very different person to me...he likes to have a plan and leap out of bed and do stuff but again I guess you learn to accept the differences and rub along somehow?

I think one of the reasons I relish my mundane coupledom as much as I do, is that I get so little of it .

He left the house today at 6.45am and I haven't heard a peep from him other than a text asking me what's for tea...which I have studiously ignored!!!!

MI

Joking apart the what's for dinner question is one I so don't miss !

I lived with somebody then got married and so was in a live in relationship for almost 22 years solid

Four years ago I got divorced and have realised how much single life suits me . I couldn't return to needing to constantly take someone else's (perfectly reasonable) needs / timetable/ opinions into account. I want to live life exactly as I choose at any given moment and am happy to take the downsides of that ie I am responsible for everything , have no domestic help etc.

As time goes on I do see marriage as being quite suffocating and rather dull with a future mapped out and little sense of excitement or the unknown. I wonder if that's a view I have cultivated of necessity due to being single four years or how I really feel. Who knows but for now I am not even interested in dinner (unless he's cooking) or sex never mind a whole entwined domestic set up.

Good luck sorting through this Mintyy I wouldn't fancy trying to end a long marriage on those grounds even though when you are out of it you realise they are grounds enough

Our life isn't remotely mundane and we do spend a lot of time together without getting bored (although we do our own thing too - we have just had separate weekends away and will go on separate holidays in February).

But I do think that other's people's mess, dirt and grime do grate more as time goes by!

Yes, I find I am more irritated by dh's little foibles as time goes on, rather than learning to accept them. It just drives me to distraction how impractical he is. I am sure he is getting more frustrated with my untidyness too.

But, ask me again when he comes back from his 5 week trip to Brazil in the summer, I am sure I will miss him.

MI - am ALL ears and I demand to know ...

Oh, putting up with someone all the time is mundane. Even if you're doing exciting stuff it's still with the same person. They are unlikely to produce a fascinatingly new perspective and frankly if they do you're going to be concerned it's an indication of a brain tumour or something because it's so unexpected.

Mintyy, I reckon that probably that nice Tilda Swinton or someone has the right idea, with the nice husband and the lovely young man. Or simply a riotous extra-domestic love life to keep one a-flutter. Which sounds quite a lot of effort, not to speak of the investment in flattering lingerie for a woman of mature years.

Ah now I've become much much more accommodating of Mr WF's foibles over the years.

In the early days I thought I might hang him out to dry over things that seemed impossible to put up with (fortunately for him he was rather beautiful and very funny, so one doesn't give up).

But now they hardly register...I suppose I have become so convinced of his good points now that the bad points seem minor. Certainly tolerable.

WF I find that I get less irritated with DH as time passes as well. We have learned to ignore each others minor faults.

I don't think I ever coped, I either think a solution like SolidGoldBrass would suit me or someone very closely matched to me. (I keep finding they don't exist...) I like sex a lot, and I like it to be varied and spontaneous, all every man I have been with has been a bit meh, like it's a military operation, my first was just like missionary over, second he used to ask if he could have it. was such a turn off and put me out the mood. I also like lots of time to myself like you do, I have people pottering around me(apart from kids) but it was always difficult to get that across without them taking offense. I reckon I could be happy with a regular FB and then a relationship just at weekends, doesn't sound too much to ask.

You've had some good replies on here though and it's nice to see that some people are still going strong after many years. I hope I find a solution soon!

Having been brought up by a person with sudden and unpredictable mood swings and having given birth to another one with similar traits, I think one of the things I appreciate most about dh is his predictability. Knowing that white won't suddenly turn black, that if he laughed at this sort of mishap yesterday he will probably be able to laugh at it today.

It's a personal thing, I don't really enjoy emotional rollercoasters all that much: I had much rather be able to get on with my work. I don't need a partner to provide me with drama.

Mintyy

I really, really know where you are coming from.

Your posts about freedom and autonomy really resonate with me.

I'm not introverted, I'm quite sociable really. I have a great job. I have my lovely lovely children. And dh is a good bloke and we generally get on well - he's not boring, he's very intelligent and up for fun (if it involves beer ).

BUT BUT BUT

I want to parent on my own - I don't want to go along with the shit that's important to him but that I don't agree with.

I want to decide what to buy, what to eat, who to have round for lunch, where to go on holiday, ON MY OWN. Yes i know i can - and I do - make millions of decisions for myself but it's important for harmony and it's courteous to run things by your partner isn't it?

I can't bear all this co-decision thing.

And yes the little habits they have that gnaw away at you...

I am not unhappy, I do not want to divore but I feel shackled.

Divore? Divorce.

Same here Cory.

I can't think of anything worse or indeed exhausting than being married to a drama llama.

DH is incredibly solid , which isn't what one looks for in a twenty year old lover, but is exactly what I want in a husband and father to my DC.

BunBaker

From page one. It was Cliff Richard when asked why he hadn't married.

cory, that's exactly how I feel too

Iwant my life partner to be predictable and steady (you can be this without being boring)

I want to be able to count on him, not have to second guess

I don't want relationship dramas, I don't want him to surprise me because I don't really like surprises

when your childhood was basically based on shifting sand, this is how I like it

I think, for me and to summarise, be careful what you wish for because you might just get it

I think its a popular view in society that once your married then you are both boring or your giving up your life. Its all over culture with the whole 'last night of freedom' thing. I just think you are doing it like that, then your both doing it wrong.