How do we all cope with the mundanity of very long term relationships?

[Mintyy]

I have been with dh since 1991, married in 1994.

He is fabulous in many ways. Infuriating in many ways. And also has things about him that I would not tolerate in anyone else, but then anyone else is not the father of my beloved dc.

I sincerely wonder about the next 20-30 years. I'm not sure I can put up with sharing my life and being answerable to someone for all that time! I think I'd like to live on my own, but is that unrealistic? Would I be lonely?

I guess this is classic mid life crisis.

There is nothing wrong with wanting time to yourself - doesn't mean you're being selfish, nor does he mean he's a he's a clingy whinyarse incapable of enjoying his own company and forever plucking at your sleeve . Only you know whether or not you just need time and space to do your own thing and still come back to him, or whether you really do want to go it alone.

Yep - I really did it; left a feminism thread with a smile to do it and it gave me a wonderful sense of radical satisfaction :).

It'll be fine Mintyy - some of us are just gliding crashing into the next phase and it's a bit scary. I think it just calls for wine and laughter.

Yes, we go out with mates and we go out separately too. I'm not an introvert, I'm quite sociable really.

Its the working at home thing, I'm sure of it. I need to find somewhere else to work.

Good for you Windmill .

I think you're right- it would drive me up the fecking wall if dh and I both worked from home much as I love him.

I'm with you Mintyy. I think if you'd asked us if we ever harboured thoughts about living alone you'd have got lots of lovely answers instead of eww you weirdo, me and my hubs love each other etc.

Fwiw, I freaking love mundanity. Please, mundane me to death. I can't get enough of it. But I also love my own company. Put it this way, my old gran was widowed for twenty years and had a relatively nice time for those two decades, though of course she mourned my grandad.

If I end up alone for some reason, I will do fine. I think about it every day. You are normal. Mundane, even.

Mintyy, if DH and I worked from home I know that our relationship would take a turn for the worse. The few times he's decided to work from home have been hard have driven me to distraction and sometimes if I'm having to do a bit of work in the evenings I can get cross because he whitters on and on!

So you have my sympathy. Do you share a study / office or are you able to work separately?

When my aged parents were able they arranged for them each to have a study at home and I know it's made a huge amount of difference, even now, in retirement - I think they even send each other emails about stuff and there are times when if I ring, I get transferred to the other 'phone so Ma doesn't have to walk downstairs from her study to Pa's!

Tim Burton and Helena Bonham-Carter. They have separate homes next door to each other. TBF DH and I have both admitted we fantasised about having adjoining houses when the DC were little. He could have lived in dusty, tidy bookdom and I could have had spotless toy mess.

Agree. HBC and TB are mad as boxes of frogs generally, but in that respect they've got the right idea.

windmill, if you say he is an arse after coming back from his mothers, and then in the next breath you say you ironed his undies to appease him I think the conclusion is clear

and it makes me feel very sad

DM sad, AF?

I always iron his undies when the cleaner isn't on holiday after 25 years I just know MIL injects the misery gene. It only lasts a sleep :).

I think you should find somewhere else to work.

I'm at home and about 2 years ago DH started working from home. This was after 7 years of him working and living in London during the week- so it was a huge adjustment for me.

I volunteeered for 2 charites, pretty damn quick as it was too much us being around each other all day, every day.

I'm sure if you could spend more time apart things would be better.

kinda manpleasing sad

that's a long way from DM sad

windmill, couldn't you simply say "iron your own undies, I have better things to do"

because I am sure you must have

watching the grass grow has to be a better use of your time than ironing someone else's skiddies

Leave be - if she wants to fold her DHs undies then whose business is it?

your question @ 22:35 prompted my reply, SirC

I shall leave it now

We've been together for 30 years & married for 29.

Both retired for the last 8 years & our salvation (& I know how very lucky we are to be able to afford it) is we each have out own rooms. I don't enter DH's without knocking, if he is in it, or asking if he isn't & vice versa.

Having our own space keeps things level. I know I have my own place to go to that is my very own sanctuary.

I can relate. I'm married to a great guy but I crave alone time. Kids finally in bed by 8, then dh comes home from work at 8:01. I would love an hour to myself and am really starting to crave it. After wrangling 3 children into bed i just want to think about me!

I understood what you meant by answerable to....it's that needing to communicate what you are doing eg I might watch tv tonight or I might do some work tonight. I want to be able to flit from thing to thing or not as the whim takes me. I have no solution but you are so not the only one who feels these things.

If anybody but my DH was sitting at the computer swearing at iTunes I would probably call the police.

I was married for over 30 years, finally left, most probably saved 2 lives, his and mine...
Now extremely happy living on my own, my present BF does hint about living together but it would be extremely difficult as we have a whole country between us and changing jobs would be unthinkable, fortunately...
I might change my mind in a few years time, but I doubt it. Not very helpful but I craved independence (and tenderness/affection) and don't see myself giving it up soon.

DD just mentioned to me in a rather cheeky way 'I know why people get married...' and I said 'to have babies?' I wasn't up for a sex ed talk at that moment but I found myself saying to her 'you get married because you want to stay with someone forever and you want look after each other forever, and that's why me and Daddy aren't married!'.

We are not in an ideal relationship - HE is the one in Mintyy's role, a bit of a lone wolf, wants his own freedom and hasn't changed one bit since being in a relationship with me. I want commitment and joined up thinking, sharing ideas, doing things together. I want a partnership where we are both rooting for each other.

We both have our own interests / work but need to bounce off each other and talk about things but he does it to offload where I do it because I want input. I feel I have no impact on his life whatsoever and the only reason he wants me around is because I keep him from being alone.

One of the things that attracted me to him was his ability to put himself first - his self-assuredness, that he needed no-one. I now realise that I want a relationship with someone that puts US first, I want to be the good couple, not the good wife.

Mintyy I actually feel sympathy for your DH - if you are true partners, you do keep in touch with each other on all levels, you should want to do this. Perhaps you need to find a partner that is more self-sufficient. My dm was like this about my Dad - 'he always wants to know when I'm coming back' - to which I would say, 'so call him and tell him when you're on your way'. She thought contacting him was some kind of weakness or that he was being controlling. Now that he is gone I see that she is the one that always had things how she wanted. She hasn't changed anything about her life at all, unlike some widows who breathe a sigh of relief and start living the life they always wanted.

The key probably lies in both partners being happy with each others levels of privacy and independence.

portofinorevisted how is my post not relevant?

Marriages benefit from being maintained. If people aren't happy in their marriage then surely it stands to reason to ask why, what can improve it, and then take the time to change it. If one or both don't want to then how can things ever improve? If things aren't going to improve then it's a case of is the marriage good enough and worth continuing with knowing things won't improve and more than probably going to deteriorate still further.

Those that let things slide don't have the relationship they'd like, those that do are more likely to have a better relationship. Self evident I'd have thought and entirely relevant!

Also relevant that a good marriage is also not just dependent on nurturing the marriage, but also in the ensuring each partner is happy with themselves as a person and the person they want to be. How is that not relevant either?

Could you try to approach this from two different angles?

How about satisfying his need for more togetherness and committing to doing two fun things together each week, while at the same time insisting that you have more time to yourself each week where he completely leaves you alone and doesn't text to find out how you are/when you'll be back, etc.

We have been together since 1985 and I know what you mean Mintyy about privacy. I sometimes dream of having my own bedroom and bathroom.

What helps us is that DH has to work abroad frequently, sometimes for as long as 5 weeks. We both get privacy and space and it refreshes the batteries and makes us appreciate each other. He gets the awful journeys and nights in anonymous hotels, I get the teenagers. We are all glad when he returns.

When he is home we do the companionable silence thing a lot, both on our laptops, sharing interesting articles we are reading or doing the crossword and discussing work over a bottle of wine. I hope we are still doing this in 25 years time.