How do we all cope with the mundanity of very long term relationships?

[Mintyy]

I have been with dh since 1991, married in 1994.

He is fabulous in many ways. Infuriating in many ways. And also has things about him that I would not tolerate in anyone else, but then anyone else is not the father of my beloved dc.

I sincerely wonder about the next 20-30 years. I'm not sure I can put up with sharing my life and being answerable to someone for all that time! I think I'd like to live on my own, but is that unrealistic? Would I be lonely?

I guess this is classic mid life crisis.

I hear you Mintyy.
My dh and I are married for 25 years this year , have lived together for 27 years.

I don't find it mundane or claustrophobic as you do but I can relate to the feeling.
Dh and I had huge stresses in our marriage when we were first together and it kind of forced us to be open about how to manage what we both wanted.
Dh is very active - sporty and a busy soul. He gets up in the morning and writes a list of what he wants to do that day.
I want to get up, make a pot of coffee and read the papers until lunchtime.
It's not a good mix except that we say that out loud, with no hurt feelings.

I say to dh 'how can I miss you if you won't ever fuck off'

So I have my time alone. I go sit in another room and read. Or take the dogs for a walk. Or go to the shops/cafe alone. Once a year I bugger off to a hotel n my own for a couple of nights.

I'm probably wrong but it sounds as if you are trapped by kindness. You respond to his need to be with you, talking to you even when it is not what you want because it feel to both of you like the way you should behave.

Could he cope with 'I love you but I really don't want to sit with you just now. I want to lie on the sofa and watch pitch perfect. Why don't you read your book?'

at "does he have a shed"

I know a married couple who live in different houses in the same village. Perfectly functional marriage (no DC's as they were older then they met) just never made the decision to share a home.

I knew another married couple, sadly now deceased, who didn't even live in the same country. She lived in Germany with her elderly father and he was English and lived in the Midlands. neither wanted to move country so they spent 'holidays' together in whichever country every now and again.

Not everyone's cup of tea, and not traditional, but perfectly happy in both cases.

Minty, I completely understand.

What do you do when you've been married for donkey's years, have kids together, but come to the realisation that actually, you'd be happier on your own?

For every woman on MN telling you it's not fair to your husband if you stay, there will be another telling you to remember your marriage vows and not split up the family. And what if the husband is quite happy with mediocrity and doesn't want to end the relationship?

I think there are plenty of women out there in ok-marriages. Women just getting on with it. I also think a large number of these women start looking at divorce once the kids have left home.

I don't have any advice or wisdom on this subject, but you are not alone.

I'm not sure I should post on this thread as the longest I've managed to sustain a relationship is 9 years and I've spent large parts of my adult life single, so feel free to ignore me. I don't have any insights to add either, but this has got me thinking.

I don't live with my BF. While part of me would love to, another part of me is glad we don't. The privacy thing is something I can really relate to. We all have bodily functions. It's normal and I don't have any hangups about it. Ii've cleared up more than enough vomit, blood, wee and poo in my time. I can accept he has a poo most days but I don't want to be particularly aware about it at the time it's happening, and likewise, I don't want to go off for a poo in the en suite knowing he's lying in bed and can hear me. I want to feel completely on my own and completely private for that.

I don't want to lie in the bath and have someone wander in for a wee. (DC are you listening? )

I want to be able to leave my computer page up and running when I leave the room for 5 mins, without worrying that someone has read the drivel I've posted. There is nothing I have ever posted online that is immoral, untrue or lacking in integrity. I'm prepared to stand by all of it, but some of it may be a bit embarrassing and i'd prefer to keep it private. I think that's normal. BF has my password and will regularly use my laptop rather than fire up his, and vice versa, and while there is nothing in either of our email histories to worry about and both of us have access, neither one of us would dream of reading them (unless to find a booking reference, etc) because to do so would feel like an invasion of privacy.

I want to be able to sit in the same room and ignore each other - not in stony silence but in companionable silence, recognising that we're two separate people and that not speaking doesn't mean either one of us is "in a mood". I can sudoku while he reads, or I can read while he facebooks or watches TV, etc.

We have never ever tried to limit each other's friendships or hobbies - encouraging that level of individuality in each other. It means that the time we do have together is more appreciated and we have more to talk about.

Despite a relationship coming with certain expectations of behaviour from each other, we are very, very particular about remembering to ask nicely for something and thanking each other when it's done. Kindnesses and respect should be higher priority in a relationship not lower because you've been together donkeys years and have relaxed into a state of taking for granted. Shouldn't you be more kind, courteous and respectful to someone you claim to love above all others?

Fortunately, my BF has a similar relationship background to me and we're both on exactly the same page when it comes to autonomy, privacy and respect. Despite all that, which makes us sound ideal together, I worry about that old adage - familiarity breeds contempt - if we were to move in together. I really value my sense of space.

Mintyy - one of mine has left home. The dynamic has changed. We have also recently moved to a smaller much more modern house in preparation for the next stage. We are both still working full time but I know that is likely to change over the next ten years. But, we have never lived in each others' pockets if you know what I mean. Ten/fifteen years ago I looked at some of the parents at primary school who were always together and was a teeny bit jealous - DH was always too busy. I too have always needed some me time and will still slink off for coffee on my own at the weekend, etc. Interestingly some of those devoted couples have separated now.

We are doing something a bit more radical related to the move above. DH has always wanted to go back oop North. I have put my foot down so we have reached a compromise. We have a smaller house here and in the next eighteen months will buy another house in the North and once dd has left school we intend to live between both houses - largely together but there will be a period when I will still work full-time. I think that will give us some space from each other in the lead up to and early retirement. We have had to compromise over this because I refuse to leave London permanently mostly because I think that's where the children will want to be for at least the next ten to fifteen years.

Married nearly 24 years and I do understand but I think it links too with DC growing up and letting go of a phase that is coming naturally to an end.

Someone early on said "Unless he is abusive you remember your marriage vows and stop being selfish" .... well, that got me thinking that it depends a bit about how you see marriage. I kind of think that if you realise at some point that living with the same person for the rest of your life isn't for you, or isn't really working with this person, then it's your life, and you only get one. I think I somewhat kick against the idea that everyone should be part of a couple for life. Perhaps it doesn't suit everyone?
All the best to you Mintyy x

Yes, good luck Mintyy. Hope you find a way through this.

I've been married twice and lived with two other men so no one can say I didn't try! But sharing my life with an adult other is not for me.

I live alone with my two children and it feels "right". They are good company but not constantly and always available for hugs and are very funny so we have good times.

I don't have to deal with someone else and their issues and any screw ups they might bring to my life. Doing the bringing up of two dc without any help seems a small price to pay for this. It was all a lot harder with someone else sticking their two penny's worth in tbh.

I think your relationship sounds quite hard work OP. I'm not sure I would want to stay in it.

I know what you mean , my DH works away all week and I really like it.
I really like him too....we've been together 21 years... but when he retires next year (early) . ...I want a chalet built in the garden ( for me!)

This next bit is really shocking ...( and believe me in no way am I wishing for this ) but I often fantasise that if I was left on my own (through 'natural' or other causes) I'm pretty certain I'd never look for another relationship at all ( and yet i adore my DH..) its just that I l really like being alone....

There's an interesting phrase in your OP Mintyy. You say you are answerable to your DH. Why is that? I adore mine but I'm not answerable to him; nor he to me.

It certainly doesn't strike me a LTB immediately situation. More that you have to make more time for yourself/develop your own interests to get a break from family stuff. Adult Education class? Gym? Arranging to meet friend? Cinema - a wonderful thing that you can do all alone as you are not required to speak to anyone. I love to have a midweek visit to a Japanese restaurant near work where sushi stuff comes round on a train. A proper model train with carriages etc I read my on my Kindle, and eat yummy things and it feels like a real 'Just Me" treat.

If he was resistant to you doing stuff like this, as he doesn't know where you are etc, that would be red flag to me.

It is difficult for us to spend less time together. We both work from home - a lot.

I'm not answerable to my dh, in that I don't have to ask him for permission to do things, not at all. I make most of the big decisions anyway.

Its just that I don't feel I have any privacy from him. Hard to explain. I think he would like me to be different too ... to act more like a couple, to go out to lunch together and things like that.

Ooh - that is hard. What can you do to give each other separate working space. Agree that you will go and have nice lunch together on a Friday, perhaps, but otherwise you need to be in the kitchen making a sandwich at different times so as not to be distracted.? A friend of mine does FL stuff and actually rented a cheap office locally so as to avoid this.

So he's a clingy whinyarse incapable of enjoying his own company and forever plucking at your sleeve? I'd have murdered him by now.

Some inadequate people are happy to live like this; the sort who go on at length about how they are each other's 'other halves (what's so great about announcing that you're actually only half a person) and it's best if people like that live with each other rather than picking partners who actually need to remain individual human beings and have thoughts of their own.
Can you be firm with your H and book set times during the day for him to leave you the fuck alone? If he has good qualities and you want to improve the relationship, then he needs to give you a bit of space, because you will feel much less resentful - and more inclined to engage with him - if you have enough time to yourself.

"So he's a clingy whinyarse incapable of enjoying his own company and forever plucking at your sleeve?"

Well, that's one way of putting it ...

He isn't as independent as me. He sees my need to do my own thing (a lot) and not discuss my every thought/feeling/purchase etc with him as a sign that there is something not quite right in our relationship. He is probably more of an old romantic than me!

I'm feeling quite benevolent towards him today actually because we had old friends here for lunch and he is a great host, very genial and it was fun.

We hardly ever get to do things like this atm because he works almost every Saturday and Sunday.

Oh I don't know, am just whining myself prob.

do you ever go out together with mates?

I'm finding it hard to relate to the question. If our relationship can be improved, we take time to improve it.

I don't expect to be everything to my husband and I'm not everything to him. We have separate interests and interests together. We each take responsibility for being our own people as well as part of a couple.

Your OP sounds like one common to marriages who don't make an effort to change things as they need to be changed. If a marriage is neglected, it won't be as good as it can be.

Joysmum - I notice you post often like that. Talking of how you manage your own relationship. To be fair, it isn't alway relevant or useful.

I agree with sgb, and I am an old married.

TBF if I had to spend all day every dayworking at home with mine I think we would drive each other to distraction if not murder. I think you deserve a gold medal. Mine had a phase of working at home until about 10 when the DC first went to primary and I used to have a coffee on the way back to avoid him giving me instructions about what he thought I should do that day

Mine has just got back from a w/e with his mama. He's moaning already but I have mundanely ironed his hankies and folded his socks how he likes today to keep him happy . He's always a miserable git when he comes home from a w/e with MIL.

Really, windmill ? You have done that ?