I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

Hedge: It has been suggested that you phone the money lenders yourself, but I think they will fob you off and threaten you if you stop paying.

Can you get a debt management charity involved?
Citizens Advice should be able to help or maybe someone on here will suggest one.

Best wishes to you.

I think, with careful budgeting and identifying areas where money needs to be saved I can clear some of the debts, the catalogues will be gone in a few months if I pay them each month then I can close the accounts (they are in dh name), same with the credit cards although I might keep one for emergencies and get rid of the others.

The loan is a big payment every month but not sure if there's anything I can do about it.

I have read most of this thread, though not all, so forgive me if I speak out of turn.

Just wondered if your car was a mobility car? My late DH qualified for a mobility car - it meant no insurance, road tax or servicing to pay. We only had to pay for petrol and the initial outlay. Surely with the disabilities your family face, you would also qualify? At least that would save paying all that insurance and you can have a car in a child's name if the child is the only qualifying family member, though I presume your and DH would qualify in your own right anyway. Perhaps with the money saved, you could put it towards driving lessons?

Don't know whether ESA (earnings support allowance) is still available, but that might also be worth finding out about.

While things may seem pretty dire at the moment, please remember that it will get easier - once the children are at school full time, you will have more time to yourself, even with illnesses and school holidays to contend with.

The car is not a motability car, we qualify for one as two of the four dcs both get higher rate mobility. We don't have to pay road tax on dh's car but didn't get motability one as he had to use it for work not just dcs and I don't think that's allowed.

The gp surgery phoned me back this morning to let me know we would def not qualify to use their transport scheme. Apparently it is only for elderly frail members of the community.

The surgery are probably aware that you qualify for a motability car?
To be fair; your dh using it for work is quite rightly not part of the reasoning behind making these cars affordable.

They are also aware that I can't drive and dh works as everytime I need an emergency appt they get grumpy as they offer times and I have to keep saying no till they offer one that we can get to and its so awkward.

I thought it was just a possible way of easing the situation immediately so if we had an appointment we could get to it.

That's why we didn't get a motability car as we didn't want to break the rules.

Your DH doesn't qualify for a motability car in his own right then? Because if he did, he could use it for work. Only you and/or DC's qualify? Sounds like a good incentive to learn to drive doesn't it? To be fair, I think the surgery is saying that transport is only available to housebound people - it isn't right that able bodied people use it if they can use public transport instead, even though I realise how expensive and difficult it must be for you.

We can't use public transport at all, can use taxis but its difficult of have all four dcs finding a big enough taxi.

Dh andi don't get dla just the dcs qualify. I do need to learn to drive but until I can I need help with all these appointments, its really hard and overwhelming.

I'm sure it is overwhelming and exhausting. Don't really know what else to suggest. Obviously you need help but it doesn't sound like much is forthcoming either from people you know or the authorities and I suppose, you have to come to terms with this and manage it in the best way you can. Small steps towards dealing with the many problems have already been suggested - nursery places, a childminder, driving lessons, will all be positive moves towards making life a little easier. It would also be positive if you can build some bridges with your sister, not just because you need her help, but because you want to have a relationship with her.

I know learning to drive would be a big help, but then I think even if I started today it could take months and I would still be in the same position whilst learning.

Really and truly I feel let down by family, DM works and doesn't drive but causes other problems, dsis is not allowed to drive but dh's family are so nearby and do drive yet never ever help. I don't understand how they can be like that but maybe it goes some way to explaining dh's attitude if that's what his family are like.

Hedgehog - you said that your daughter's diabetes was one of the biggest problems, that she keeps having hypos and that you are up a lot during the night to deal with those. You could definitely get help with that. Is she on an insulin pump? Even if not, I'm sure the clinic would be very supportive and helpful as her dosage must be wrong if she is always so low.

Hedgehog as long as what DH uses a motability car for is for the benefit of the children he can get one. Going to work is an example of this. If they qualify for a blue badge then the DC have to be in the car when it is used, but not so for the car itself.

Even if you learn to drive and use it for much needed rest and relaxation (going to the cinema or gym) which benefits the children, that is okay.

Talk to the motability person in any car showroom and they will explain further. It would help if you didn't have to pay for tax, insurance and breakdown cover.

i agree.... the diabetes needs sorting out properly. She shouldn't be having so many hypos. uncontrolled diabetes will be causing most of the stress if it's not allowing you all to sleep properly.

Oh, and shopping and other routine activities are also allowed.

The misuse definitions are below.

I wish you all the very best

I think constant contact with your GP will help, even if it's on the phone - they need to be fully aware of DD's health needs and making sure she is safe.

As regards the car, speak to DP about downsizing to something cheaper to run or getting the motability. You shouldn't be spending more than £1k a year on insurance and tax put together. That will save you £200 a month immediately and that will pay for 8 driving lessons a month.

I'm not sure OP could drive if she has such problems with her vision though?

Yes I was thinking that. Having access to a named driver would be far more useful. I think a home help type person would be more useful, you can add them to the insurance of your new motability car. DH can get his own car.

Currently yes my vision is a big issue, I'm very short sighted and have glasses but its the migraines that are causing so much trouble, it was one of the reasons I did so badly last time I had lessons.

Dds diabetes is awful. We have an appt in feb to discuss a pump. Our team are very busy and over stretched so the support isn't great at all, its not their fault but they don't see us enough and are hard to get hold of. We try to make adjustments ourselves with ratios and doses but for example 1.5 units of background insulin at night sends dd too low and just 1 unit means she's too high. We tweak her dinner time ratios but get it wrong, we can only work in half units so a pump would be so much better. Last night dd was hypo again, we are exhausted.

I didn't realise about the car, I thought it had to be used for eg, taking dcs to school, appts, to get medicine or shopping for them, I didn't realise the rules could be interpreted to include other things, I didn't want to get in trouble.

There is a lot of misinformation about motability cars and other benefits for disabled people. This is why so many are reported, sadly.

We just didnt want to break the rules. Last thing I wanted was to get in trouble. We get the tax paid due to dcs dla and I also took this to mean the car had to be used for dcs so everytime mil has wanted to borrow dh's car I've said no as it has a disability tax disk for dcs not anybody else and she's always annoyed but I thought I was just abiding by the rules.

This is something you can tackle OP.

You daughter's diabetic control should not be pushed aside by the health team.

You can get emergency help, call Diabetes UK, she can be an in-patient for a week to be monitored and stabilised. This can be addressed today.

I'm sorry to sound pushy about it, but all of the energy and time spent on wishing your mum, sister, mil were different is wasted. They won't change and many people face the same.

You have had a great deal of good advice here and I fully agree with the poster who said a list with specific action which can be taken about each thing would help. The diabetes can be dealt with now.

Good luck.

www.diabetes.org.uk/How_we_help/Talk-to-someone/Careline/

Is your daughter on a Lantus injection at bedtime? If so, something as simple as changing that to before breakfast could make a world of a difference.