I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

You don't have to justify your children to anyone Hedgehog. Don't even try, it's humiliating to you and rude of anyone to ask.

Thankyou horsetowater

It is so frustrating that people keep asking/mentioning it. The ironic thing is that the genetic condition that we knew about after already having two dcs, although hard to manage is not the most difficult, its the diabetes and ds allergies that actually cause the most (and life threatening) problems.

Even when we knew about the eds the doctors didn't tell us about other related conditions like the pots that dd1 suffers so terribly with so we didn't take that into consideration as didn't even know it was a possibility!

As I said, I didn't read the whole thread, and it is none of my business that you had 4 children, who developed disabilities later on.

I had thought that both you and partner were disabled as well, and having brought up less than 4 children myself and knowing how hard it was, it was a ...courageous.... decision to have 4.

I hope your support goes well, and I'd add that you have never attempted - unlike some of your other interlocutors - to justify your striking your partner. I admire you for that.

Forgot to add that I've sorted out bank accounts this morning, each dcs dla will be transferred every four weeks from my account into their own account so that I can use it purely for their care and never any other bills.

"Appalling violence" is the two women who die every 10 days or so at the hands of their partners

Don't make this a gender thing. DV happens against men, too.

When I started posting on this thread, I was unaware of the background. I was very stringently against the OP's receiving any sort of sympathy...

I said, however from the start that someone who suffers years of mental and emotional abuse and snaps is different to someone who uses physical abuse as a type of control and punishment.

OP snapped. She snapped because she's stuck in a relationship with a man who refuses to do his fair share in a horrific situation and in doing so is destroying the OP. He knows it, I hope that one day she knows it.

I don't think EA is worse than physical abuse but it's not better either.

IMO this relationship has broken down now.

What hedge is starting to do is to make changes so that if they split or even if they don't, her life can become more tolerable.

I agree he needs out of this relationship but so does she. And more so because he has his work, holidays, stag parties.

She has a husband who refuses to give her more than 15 minutes A WEEK respite from a job that I know I couldn't do.

In short, I've realised that supporting a woman whose been pushed to the absolute end of her rope is infinitely better for everyone concerned than telling her what a monster she is.

Sometimes it's NOT black and white.

""Appalling violence" is the two women who die every 10 days or so at the hands of their partners

Don't make this a gender thing. DV happens against men, too. "

Never said it didn't. Are two men killed by their partners every 10 days, though?

Well done OP - some really great progress

The only place there is absolutely no progress is with dh

Last night I went to bed, sorted ds out in the night, ds1 woke up a few times and dd2 had two hypos which dh dealt with and he slept on the floor next to her bed.
The night before the was half an hour where ALL dcs were in bed. I sat on the sofa with dh. He didn't look at me, speak to me and watched tv. I tried to initiate a conversation, he replied in one word each time so I gave up and he continued to watch tv.

This morning I made him a coffee, tried to chat. There's just nothing there and I don't know what to do. I actually really want to work things out but am worried I've damaged it beyond repair.

I actually really want to work things out but am worried I've damaged it beyond repair

Hedge you are NOT the only one who acted badly in this relationship and in fact he has years of bad behaviour over you.

You can't force him to want to work or your relationship anymore than you can force him to give up work or care more for the dc.

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep taking steps to improve your life. I think you'll find that you're more in love with the man he should be and not the twat man he is.

curlew I'm not engaging. If you want to start a debate about DV against men-v-women do it elsewhere.

Don't blame yourself Hedgehog. This will settle, DH has done far worse things. You're both exhausted and soon you will be able to get some respite. Think positive, try to ignore the 'polar vortex' of negative thinking sitting on the sofa, he will get over it and if he doesn't he can always walk. You will be OK if he does, things will work out for you.

In the meantime what's the next step with finances - have you decided about the car?

Oh dear I missed your post about the DLA account. WELL DONE

A great step in the right direction. Have you got a debt agency / someone negotiating for you about the debts?

He didn't look at me, speak to me and watched tv. I tried to initiate a conversation, he replied in one word each time so I gave up and he continued to watch tv.

Oh, love, how soul-flattening :(

I honestly do think you have to let him figure himself out, while you CARRY ON being the amazing, fabulous, competent, woman and mother that you are! You're doing so brilliantly If you can't get validation from your family, get it on here and everywhere else.

What you're doing is excellent Keep it up! And remember that time for You is crucially important, for your DCs' sake as well as yours.

Hedgehog

Have you been in touch with Harrow carers

I will try and contact them tomorrow Thankyou.

At this point Hedgehog, or at the point where you have the finance on a better footing and have learned to drive and your anxiety is better controlled (I know you are up to your ears) you need to think about a life without DH.

For now, I advise you to put the relationship and its problems on the back burner. It will only add to your distress to try to tackle it, and I fear DH will continue to stonewall you just for the heck of it.

Put 'sorting out the relationship' on your long term list, and please include 'divorce' on the list of possibilities there. You might get a weekend off every second weekend if DH had to take them according to the arrangement a lot of divorcing couples manage.

Are you able to just bite your lip and resist the urge to try to sort it all out? You need to conserve your energy for the other pressing matters. Just concentrate on building your financial foundation and developing your coping and independent living skills (such as learning to drive.

You also need to hold off until your increased AD dosage starts to work, and frankly, you need to do a bit of reading up on abuse so that you are able to see what he is doing in your interactions when you finally start to approach the relationship problems.

I know there are problems in our relationship but I think if we were not under so much pressure we would be fine and get along well. Ido really love him, things are just incredibly difficult.

I don't know what to do or how to approach it though.

You are approaching it right Hedge, by tackling your finances so there is less pressure on you both. I think you have to take one step at a time and focus on the children above all.

I know andim trying but I'm so lonely.

Things were good once, and I do really love him.i don't even know how to talk to him anymore as we have nothing in common but dcs and any other conversation seems awkward.

I worry its gone too far and we will never get things back,that its just about dcs and when that is a bit easier our relationship will have been floundering for too long for us to make things work.

I lie in bed sometimes and if ds is in the cot I think should I go downstairs or wake dh if he's in dds room but then I don't as I don't know what to say to him or how to approach him.

You can love him all you want but he has checked out of the relationship at this point.

If you can forgive what he has been doing to you emotionally and psychologically, that's fine and good luck to you both, but you need to understand what is going on before you can forgive it, and he needs to acknowledge what he is at, and commit to not doing it any more. I think you are somewhat in denial about his level of connection to the relationship and to the children.

A healthy relationship needs two committed people.

He has an expensive car he uses pretty much for himself. He has given a lot of money to his family. He goes on holiday. Instead of pulling his weight with the DCs on weekends he seems to have some sort of very entitled mindset where he gets what he wants and you get stuck with all the responsibility.

That being said, do not wake him when he's asleep. Get sleep yourself and let him sleep too. Waking him from sleep to rake over the relationship would be a big mistake. He would be right to be very resentful of that. Nobody likes to be ambushed with deep relationship talks when they're asleep.

"I think should I go downstairs or wake dh if he's in dds room but then I don't as I don't know what to say to him or how to approach him."

Perhaps instead of talking about the problems it would be better for you both to start talking about what would be the ideal future that you want. What kind of relationship do you want? Presumably to be loved and valued and to give those feelings to your husband. You could ask him how he sees a good relationship? Hopefully you'll find a middle ground. From there work backwards, identify the blocks and issues that are stopping you both getting to where you want to be.

Hedge how old are your children?

When we have had talks in the past dh has just said all he wants is for dcs to be older, hopefully not any worse health wise and to have to do less for them.
I think he's just getting through the days hoping time passes quickly so he can relax and take up hobbies. I don't know if he sees me in that future. He talks of holidays and fishing, whereas I was imagining spending more time together.

At the moment I'd love to just go for a coffee with him and just chat, or watch a film when dcs in bed if they stay asleep long enough but he barely even looks at me, I'm so terribly lonely which is silly because I'm not actually alone.

Dcs are 12,7,4 and 1

What are the needs of the 12 year old?