I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

Just trying to get a picture here, not nosy!

Dd1 has eds, pots, scoliosis, pectus excavatum and neck and shoulder problems.

Combined her problems cause pain, fatigue, dislocations, subluxations, reduced mobility, dizziness and frequent fainting.

He is a fantasist, Hedgehog, and you are right to expect nothing from him by way of practical help.

Don't hold your breath waiting for him to commit to reality. By reality I mean you and your real, everyday relationship. He has had far too much practice ignoring it and living in his own little bubble. Imo he actually doesn't want to be connected to you, or reminded of reality in any way, and that is what having coffee and chatting with you would be for him. He is actively rejecting you and the reality of your lives every chance he gets. Pay attention to what he is telling you when he barely even looks at you. It's not what you want to hear from him, but please listen.

The feeling of being alone while to all intents and purposes married is truly the most horrible there is. xxx

Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

Whatever happend with your relationship, it's now time to get practical help to deal with your debts so that you can get help with dcs.

One question, are any of the debts in your name?

Yes, the huge loan is in my name, as are two of the credit cards.

OK, that puts you in charge of negotiations. Call the debt agency that I mentioned, asap. You could get all of these repayments put on hold.

How much of the debts in your name did he use for his stuff?

When you were asked about why you had four children I don't think it's irrelevant at all or insulting. Children are immensely challenging and push relationships to their boundaries. But you had two kids with special needs, which was presumably challenging enough, then 4 years ago you decided to have another kid. Then with three kids and financial trouble you decided to have another one less than 2 years ago. What part of life was going to get easier or improve by adding a fourth kid? Presumably these are things that you talked over with your other half at the time?

Father four children is not a lot. Why exactly are you asking?

FatherJake what an unkind and unhelpful post.

If you can't say anything which might help this family, please don't bother.

What part of the OP's life is going to improve by you making her feel guilty about her choices? None, it's just smug one-up-manship from you, it serves no useful purpose and it's pretty disgusting, frankly.

So what do you suggest is done fatherjake? That the children are put back up into the womb?? Hardly worth questioning their very births now is there..better to look forward !

How on earth are the huge loan, plus the credit cards, in your name, Hedgehog?????

He's the only earner, how did you personally even manage to get a huge loan, never mind why?

Whys won't help here, we need to know what she can do about it.

Of course 4 is a lot of children. Especially when money is tight and they have special needs. Anyway I am asking because it seems that the crux of the issues stem from the fact that there are 4 kids and husband not helping at all, withdrawing, money trouble etc. Was the choice to have a fourth kid conscious? And if husband was on board how have things deteriorated so quickly?

I got it online, from my bank, the only income was benefits.

I tried once before to lower payments when dd was diagnosed as dh didn't work or get paid for a few weeks. They would only allow two months off the payments but then they had to re start and they put a note on credit file which then meant the barclaycard limit was put right down even though I barely used it and had been paying it every month. Its all a mess.

I will repeat again, dcs problems were just manageable, dc4 was 8 months old when dd2 got very ill, we could not have known she would get ill and that it would then become so difficult to manage.

Fatherjake it's a really long story and as OP's time is very precious and any time we take away from her analysing and cogitating about her life choices is going to take energy away from her FOUR DISABLED CHILDREN it wouldn't be right to waste any more of her time.

There are a lot of questions around Hedgehog's life that she needs help with but right now she needs practical help. She has done really well over the past few days and enquired about extra help, got the children's benefits put into a separate account, has got quotes to reduce the £3500 she spends a year on the insurance for the car.

People have suggested carer's organisations etc which is also very helpful.

Her relationship is difficult for many reasons but it might resolve itself if some of these things are tackled.

I've been there Hedgehog, when your credit rating goes down every avenue for lending is closed. Times have very much changed.

Does your DH salary go into a joint account? I know you had another person helping you with finances, if that's being sorted how is it going?

Dh's wages go into my account, have done for over a year as he was spending them and lending to family and I had to stop him.

The problem we've had sometimes is he's used my card to get things we didn't really need so I've stopped that happening.

Hedgehog... sweetheart... please ignore those who are using your situation to have a go, or to get on their own little soapboxes.

What matters here is that you are in crisis, and you have been pushed beyond the limit of your coping resources by a situation that is extremely difficult. You have posted time and time again about how impossible you're finding things, and I am really worried about you. I think you need to see your GP as a matter of urgency and talk about getting some medication that can reduce your anxiety and give you the headspace you so desperately need to fight back - I suspect from what you've said that you're suffering from an episode of bad depression. I also think you would benefit a lot from a chat with a relationship counsellor with your husband to see if you can work out a new way of living (which could be more mutually supportive, or more mutally separated).

Please don't give up! Put yourself first for once, and get the help you need.

struggling she went to the gp the day before yesterday.

I'm going to the gp again today, but because I'm feeling really ill, my migraines are really bad lately and my left eye is swollen and can't feel left side of my face or head and feel sick. I'm sure its stress but want to get checked. Also need my eye sorted out as can hardly see out of it.

Dd has gone to pre school today but they phoned as she's not feeling great and blood sugars have not been too good. I got upset this morning as wanted to go to gp first thing but dh had to get into work early.

I hope you feel better very soon, Hedge. x

Hi Hedgehog :)
I recognise you from your other posts too, apart from the facts of your life, your 'voice' is distinctive too!
It really sounds like you're struggling badly, and I know a few of the avenues that you have used for help have been shut. How about charities? Looks like the Red Cross do help at home
www.redcross.org.uk/What-we-do/Health-and-social-care/Independent-living/Support-at-home sorry don't know how to link.

It might not be appropriate but maybe if you google you'll find a charity that is. If you could get someone to come in to help you round the house once a week I bet that would make a difference. Sixth former who wants a place at uni so has to do charity work? Also, buy a shed? Great place for storing clothes the smaller children yet have to grow into, if you have a garden. I know money's tight; personally I find my life seems less chaotic (I only have 2) when everything's a bit more organised at home, then you can give the more serious problems, like your relationship with DH, a bit more attention.

ANyway good luck. You need to focus more on the practical solutions and less on the drama I would say. I'm sure your life is hard but posting frequently and at length on mumsnet clearly isn't helping. Your family aren't going to start to help so forget about them from that POV, that's barking up the wrong tree. When you see your GP today, why not ask about getting help from charities? He / she might know about that.

hugs

I'm so so sorry Hedge, but he has not only 'checked out' emotionally, - he doesn't give a shiny shit about you, Really he doesn't. You have made so much progress over the course of this thread, and I wish I was as articulate and had the resources to be as helpful as others, but the only way that I can see you and your children surviving in the long run is for you to separate from him. He doesn't want to help you and nothing you can do in this world is going to change that. There is going to come a point at which you are so ill yourself that you are going to collapse and end up in hospital and then what happens to the children? There will undoubtedly be some extreme short term difficulties in separating but it gives you the best long term chance of being able to cope and support yourself and your children.