I beat my husband today please help me

[Ashamedofviolence]

I have NC

I don't want to be flamed. I know I was wrong.

We had a bad night and a bad morning, both stressed and argued. It got out of hand and I punched him repeatedly. I feel dreadful. He was calm and left the house.

We have huge problems that I can't go into as it will out me, its no excuse I know but we are both under immense pressure, tired and stressed.
I love him and I feel so ashamed. What do I do now? Where do I seek help for this, I don't want it to happen again.

If he had done it to me I'd be terrified and would leave.

How can I ever make things better?

That's wonderful Hedge :)

Argument I said RTFT. I did not say "Skip through the thread and just read the highlighted posts made the OP". She has reverted to her normal username so there is very much you have clearly missed.

I missed the bit about the daycare, well done Hedgehog - you've got loads of things sorted out today!

Now get your diary/calendar and write down what you have achieved. I wish I had done that over the years, always wrote down what I should be doing but never what I actually did. Doing things differently now.

Regarding the car - I think you should just get a small runaround for DP. He can get the shopping, take one or two of dcs out with him when necessary, you would then have enough money left over to get taxis for the time when you all have to be in the same place at the same time. I can understand not wanting to give up the car. A small car means low fuel costs, low insurance, low road tax. You could cover insurance and tax for probably around £800 a year. How many hours does DH drive per week so we can work out fuel costs?

write down what you have achieved. I wish I had done that over the years, always wrote down what I should be doing but never what I actually did. - OMG, horse, you may have just changed my life! Thanks!

That's not a bad idea about the car. As long as you can get a double buggy in ... an ordinary 5-door would do that, wouldn't it?

OMG I've changed Garlic's life!

Do I get some kind of mumsnet award for that?

I can do you a and

hedge

i dont know your back story but my thoughts....i have 1 disabled Ds who is able.

if i had not been able to work i would have gone stir crazy.

i would not get your dh to give up work - counter productive imo - he will resent it.
instead i would be looking at going out to work yourself - part time, there are child minders/nurseries who understand special needs - my child minder had a child of her own with similar special needs to my ds. this would do 2 things. 1) it would get yout out of the house and into adult company away from caring responsibilities. and 2) i would possibly give you some extra money for driving lessons. yes nursery fees are expensive but not as much as min wage - so if you took a part time job while the eldest are at school you would only need to fund 2 places and there is help avialable with that - child tax credits pay more for disabled child places. please please look into this - it would do you the world of good and possibly save your sanity.
getting your dh to give up work is not the answer - he maybe needs the respite - you could do the same thing.
and you MUST learn to drive. i learnt at 30. its liberating - get a part time job - what about evenings? bar work?? let your dh cope with the kids and no child care to pay for?
put your earnings away solely for driving lessons.

you can change things for yourself fo the better. you need to look at going to work yourself, not getting your dh to give it up.

Yes, I agree, you really must learn to drive. My mother learned at 68 or maybe it was 69 and she has very little sight in one eye. See how you feel about it when the ADs start to kick in. It's a challenge but you need to dig down deep and not let yourself be knocked by setbacks.

Well done Hedge, you have taken ownership of your problems and have already begun to tackle them. You are amazing. You have some great advice here esp re sorting out your finances and then spending your money much more freely on cabs.

Chilliqueen No, I am not a man! "prof' sounds a bit inflated actually when I am def not an actual, um, professor. I am thinking of becoming some other kind of talking fruit....

The pre school manager is checking their policies today to see if dds key worker may be able to help with care outside of pre school hours as they are trained. It might offer some respite until ds2 can get a place. Fingers crossed they say its ok.

With what I think I can save after going through finances it would go towards cabs and some care/babysitting for dcs.

Just... wow.

Good, I'm please OP has decided that she is going to get some help for her and their 4(!) children. I didn't catch why 4 children was decided on as appropriate.

I hope it works out for them both - and the DH who is a vicitm of appaling violence for which there *is clearly no excuse8.

I agree with scottish mummy about the hypocrites bleating on here (and yes, I was a DV victim, too).

OK that's great Hedge. As you are main carer all the DLA benefits should go into your name and in an account that you control. The reason for this is that it's money for the children and needs to be protected.

DH takes a very expensive car on a two hour drive every day to work and back leaving you with no transport. I think it would be fair to get him to consider a car that's cheaper to run so that you can use that money on taxis and support.

The reason I say you should put the money into a separate account is so that DH sees that when he wants to spend it he is taking it away from them. Their money should not be touched, especially not to cover for his financial mistakes. We don't want to have a go at DH either so if you say to him 'It says on the DLA letter that this money is for the children so I am putting it aside for them' he really can't argue and may make an effort to get his debts sorted out.

We have ours in a separate account and it means that we use it for things like clothes, sitters, cabs etc. We see it like we would their birthday money or savings - don't touch it for our own use.

Likewise carers allowance should go into your own private account, but also separately and just accessed by you. It is to enable you to care for your children and you can spend it exactly how you want. Hair, gym, college course, cinema trips. Up to you. Don't forget the taxpayer is saving a fortune by having you look after four disabled children and you deserve every penny of it.

I think you can change the account the DLA and CA money goes into online. Obviously you need two other bank accounts to put it into.

The long view is that the money is for your children to enable them to become as independent and healthy as possible as they get older, to prevent their present disabilities getting worse. There are frequently knock-on effects when a child is born with just one 'minor' disabiity - if it's not managed properly early on with exercises / treatment / therapies it just gets worse or creates another problem as they get older.

This is why I am nagging you to be firm now Hedgehog, you can get debts written off but your children's health is sacred and you can't put it on hold. You could end up in a position where you are unable to care for them at all. If you put in now it will pay back in dividends later when some of them can take themselves to school, communicate better, deal with their own medical needs.

Sorry for the lecture :) but I hope this helps you explain your financial decisions to DH if he goes into denial mode again.

You have humiliated your husband with your violence and he deserves to see some remorse from you.

You need to temporarily remove yourself and your children to your mother's or similar in order to give him some thinking space, asking him to consider what he thinks is the right course of restorative action hereon.

.

Might I respectfully suggest reading the thread before jumping on the bandwagon?

NC for this.

My ex was emotionally abusive and physically threatening all the time. He often "got in my face" and was very aggressive, grabbing me all the time and using his size to intimidate me physically.

One time we were in an airport, and I had our baby's things in a suitcase (clothes, bottles, steraliser etc.) and he went off on one and decided to leave me stranded taking the car, this suitcase with him and intending to drive off to our home which was hours drive away - meaning I had none of the stuff I needed, was stranded with a baby and no place to go.

I snapped and smacked him with a full force punch on the top of his arm which I have never done to anyone before or since.

He (laughing) made a complaint to the police in the airport and I ended up with a caution for "assault." Even the police were disgusted that they had to process it.

He was a 6 foot 6 man with a huge bulk, and I am a small framed 5 foot 2 woman who he was being mentally and emotionally abusive to and harming my baby in the process.

No...I don't think always think a woman hitting a man is the same. I could have smacked that massive brute with everything I had and not left a scratch on him. He was laughing at me as I did it. Each case is different and does not work off the same rules of right or wrong. Looking back I wish I'd smashed the twat with something bigger.

In this case though...the description is very different and you have hit a gentle man in anger and this is very worrying. For me to hit my ex I had to know deep down that 1. I could not hurt him and 2. I hated him.

No matter how angry I don't think I could actually hurt someone I loved and so I would try and find help for this. You would feel even worse if it ever happened again.

And apologies for only reading the first few pages of the thread...

"a victim of appalling violence"

onemorechap Have you actually read the thread?

"Appalling violence" is the two women who die every 10 days or so at the hands of their partners.

Please read back a few pages on this thread to see how far OP has come. The thread title should be changed really it is very misleading. She doesn't need chastisement for flailing about at her DP because, while looking after four disabled children her husband refuses to help and she can't cope.

The main issue here is finances - OP needs help to become financially independent so that she can pay for carers, nurses and personal assistants to help her with the children. Her DH uses most of their benefits to pay off debts and the expensive car which he uses to get to work.

ProfPlumSpeaking

skimmed the thread, certainly.
I missed the bit where it was decided that hitting someone was just flailing and didn't count, and besides he deserved it anyway.

I noticed but didn't comment on the bit about how he had to drop everything and leave work immediately.

I haven't read back through the 35 pages to find why the family chose to have 4 children, either.

I am pleased the OP is getting some help, as I've said.

We chose to have four children for the same reason any couple chooses to have any amount of children. We did not know they would all have such serious problems.