Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Yes the marching ahead fucks me right off Ill never forget a woman who lived in my old block of flats years ago shouting at me 'never let your man walk ahead of you, he isn't better than you' or something to that effect because an ex was further ahead and not because he has marched off leading the merry way for all to follow. At the time I thought there she goes again, she is a know alcoholic and can regularly been seen 'drunk in public', but I've come to realise now I'm older and wiser was he was trying to get at.

FW called at lunch after I sent a text outlining why I was so upset. For the first time he called 'discuss my message' it inevitably ended in an argument after he demanded to know what I wanted to do then so I've said separate. He's taking DC to their activity so we shall see how later on goes. I also said he can tell everyone the crazy b*tch finally threw him out yada yada and he has orchestrated this for the past few months by making my life hell by coming and going and breaking up the relationship and moving out and then coming back and going around in circles. He didn't say anything to that.

What a mess.

He's come back an started drinking so I said I'm not having as conversation unless he was sober he like at me and took a sip!!!

He's had a long day apparently.

He's made his choice I guess. Living together but separated as of today it seems.

I also had severe SPD and was toldi was embarrassing and exaggerating when I couldn't walk (or even get out of bed easily!). I did a full food shop whilst in labour because I knew he'd be shitty if I went and had a baby with no food in the house

Have just read the 9 types of abuser in Lundy. I can't believe how accurately fw fits into 3 of the types, it's like it was written about him! But I'm questioning myself and wondering am I just comparing it to him because I want him to fit into one of those categories? Could I not make anyone fit if I really wanted to?

He's had a long day apparently.

Whereas your day no doubt has been peachy and tickety-boo.

The walking ahead... I got so used to the sight of the back of his head. We were always late for something (FW is of course too important to arrive on time) and he would march ahead while I shepherded the children and desperately tried to keep sight of him so that we didn't get totally lost. At some point, I gave up trying so hard. We did get lost once, in a very unfamiliar place, and we weren't even late that time. I tried hard to suppress the rising panic in my chest. But it was my problem apparently for not having enough faith in him that he'd return to us, once he felt like it. As usual, if he couldn't imagine feeling like that himself, there was no reason for me to feel like it. The fact that I did showed an inadequacy on my part. Part of me resisted that idea of inadequacy, but a larger part of me thought it was easier to go along with it all and pretend to believe it, so I think it was seeping into my veins, gradually.

I remember one time that we walked hand in hand. I remember it because he took my hand while he was busy on his mobile on some work call. This was around the time we got married. It somehow made me feel insignificant. A trophy wife - is that the right expression? Just someone to look good beside him, make him look good, while he got on with being Important.

Hmm. See, I've been taking a break from thinking back and it's been great to move on and think of myself separately from him. But I need to keep coming back to it, because, with all his current reasonableness (he is putting up a good act, last ditch attempt, I think!) I had forgotten the harder stuff.

Do you have a friend or family member that is a nice, genuine person, gotany? Could you fit that person into any of the categories?

Or are you surrounded by FWs, in which case it's hard to believe there are non-FWs out there. Bet you couldn't fit St Lundy into any of the categories, though!

We were trying to sell our flat while dd was chronically colic baby with milk allergy as yet undiagnosed when a few weeks old. To the extent I would lie next to her at night stroking her tummy all night as it seemed to help with the pain.

Two things I remember about that time

Being shouted at for not drying up, as we had viewing shortly after his return to work and he was too tired to do it.

Him visiting the doctor about my alleged pnd as I wouldn't sleep with him - how I could do that while stroking dds tummy was a bit hard to fathom.

Constantly being told i was a bad mother. Most recently when we went to a museum and had our lunch in picnic area, he noticed other mums cleaning tables with wipes and was most disappointed I hadn't brought any. He had done the lunches while I got dd ready so i suggested maybe he could have packed wipes if so important- but no- all the other mothers have brought them. I knew he was being a total fw but I still felt inadequate all the same, it does seep into your veins, you're right charlotte

Charlotte am trying to fit new lovely, kind, considerate, helpful, loving, giving dp into one and can't manage it. I'm just finding it a bit strange that my life is written in that book!

I too am a bad mother sus. Mainly because I've left him and that is going to be so damaging to dd and her development.

He is moving out.

He has told me he has no respect for me, doesn't give a fuck how I feel or what I think, I'm playing strut psychologist because I said what he is doing is victim blaming in response to him saying he can understand why some men go to far in volatile domestic situations. I asked him how he can justify violence towards women and e got furious again. Wtaf?? He said he walks out on me all the time because he doesn't know what he'll do if he stays as I make him so angry. So then he said he understand why some men very violent as he can see why they get pushed to that point! I cannot believe he said that. His reply was that's why he removes himself. I told him after that not all men think that way. His reply, not all women think like you.

It's all me of course I'm solely to blame for his deep unhappiness.e and my controlling, emotionally manipulative ways. My accusations and questions and need to communicate in the way I communicate is wrong.

He is staying for a week or too as he can't afford to move straight away or he may stay with friends this week but no concrete plans at it's quite late now so he'll sort it tomorrow.

I'm terrified at what the future holds. He is happy with the decision to move. I'm really sad but we can't carry on like this. We tried I make it work but after three years of this it's time to put and end to it. Youngest one is only 7 weeks old too.

Never imagined this is how my life would turn out! None of us could have I guess.

Please excuse my shocking grammar I'm on a phone which has a mind of it's own

Ok, wtaf, this is all good provided you are safe. Make sure you can leave at a moment's notice though, and remember you can ring police if needed. Although my own FW didn't even threaten violence (like yours has, almost), having read this thread I bore in mind that my FW's reactions were not going to be predictable, so I had a bag packed, slept with the washing basket across the bedroom door, and my phone at my side.

can I just say got that you are a good mother for leaving.

This is his damage, staying with him would cause further damage.

DC need 'a' constant in their life, someone to whom their bond can be consistent, strong and not totally fucked with

We're all here for you wtaf .... it is a horrible realisation, but far better realised the sooner. Your future, maybe uncertain, but the reality of your future will not be terrifying, only being wth him will assure that for you all.

Sending you strength and sooothes for this time.

wtaf we're here to hold your hand.
it is incredible for me, being on the other side, feeling completely how you feel. Knowing how it feels to wonder how it got like this.
I was also told that (FW) could understand how my ex could get to the point where he hit me. Also that I should be grateful that the time he tried to strangle me that he didn't ACTUALLY strangle me. Oh, yeh, cheers.
What the future holds is yours now.
charlotte I agree, I try not to think about it but also thinking about it, remembering things, now I am in a safer place actually helps to build perspective. The perspective helps to build an understanding of why I chose for it not continue is a good one too and to be able to know why it had to stop.

He is being particularly nasty and vicious tonight. Baby been breast feeding non stop and I'm too exhausted to even try and stand up for myself although that's usually met with nasty aggression.

I wish he'd just fuck of to the far side of fuck and then fuck of some more.

He takes pleasure in seeing me upset but I cant even hide it these days. It's almost like he's gloating.

He is also refusing to help with DCs.
The baby was screaming as she has reflux so he jut stuck her in her bouncer to get on with it. I was dealing with the other DC so couldn't do anything at the time. He meet comforts her just puts her down and leaves her to scream. It's awful and cruel.

He is cruel to me so I suppose it would follow he's be cruel to them. What possesses him to behave in such a way!!??

It is all designed to get a reaction from you wtaf
any attention is good attention - like a small child. This doesn't imply I think you should feel sorry for him. Nope, he is a grown man and should grow up.
Any news on his leaving? Have you any potential exit plans of your own?
Lots of strength to you.

You sound very strong and you can see what he is doing, which is a major part of the battle won. You must be utterly exhausted though, so here's hand holding x

I'm too tired to think. Baby feeding constantly. He is being 'nice' now and offering all sorts of future opportunities which is bizarre timing. Career wise I mean. He is pissed though so who knows what he is doing! Odd man with his odd ways.
Tonight I fear, ignorance is bliss.

wtaf oh I so remember the endless feeding... and things were all right (relatively speaking) between me and Ex at the time.

Take advantage of any help he gives in the present, however you need to think as if you are on your own. (This may be why he didn't soothe baby - to show you how awful it would be with her on her own? But actually if you have to cope on your own, you will even if it means leaving baby to cry in cot while you have 5 min outside, as a friend of mine had to do for her own sanity )

I hacked into fws email last night, as he is back
In the house and refusing to leave but is being friendly. I have ongoing issues with him contacting my dad and spouting all sorts of stuff about me. And what did I find, two long emails analysing all my faults and recasting recently history. And yet in last few days I have told him that his actions in involving my dad have given me massive anxiety issues and were the final straw. The calculated nature of it is breathtaking . My dad to his credit hasn't replied but he has upset me by defending fws right to be in the house this week.

Fw tries this with dd when he took her out at weekend as well.

Going to call womens aid and ask for advice on protecting my emotional health here, and seeing solicitor next week. If dds passport ever turns up I can get divorce papers served while we are away. I was worried that was too harsh but I realise now quite how dangerous he is to me.

wtaf I hope you had ok night x

resilience to you Wtaf for the continual bf, this is that 8 week growth spurt isn't it? I remember having baby continually hanging off boob and trying to do everything with one hand; making tea was the most challenging I recall!

yes, do everything for yourself and keep detaching and staying safe.

Sus you have spotted their plan, to hit where it hurts the most. FW's target those weak spots with vicious precision. Keep being clear with your DF and one can only hope that truth (and loyalty) will prevail, that he can only be your allie and not be in between you both trying to referee, that he also needs to detach from FW? I hope you can track down that passport?!!!! If you cannot find it its important to get some kind of flag on that to make plans for a replacement,etc, so the old one can be ditched.

sus FW has taken my passport too - sorry, doesn't know where it is AND I don't have a birth certificate. Feel like smashing his door in to get it back, but I won't.
wtaf you are amazing, you grew a child and now, in amongst all the challenges you are BF and looking after other DC's. Incredible. Have some from me

Tweedle your FW is committing an offence, you are the only person allowed to keep your BC and Passport. Report his ass!