Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

Yes, exactly that Killpeppa!!!

What is the point of all the power games/trips. It's the strange behaviour of the insecure and inadequate and I going to have to keep reminding myself of this from now one.

How did you find out about the cheating part? I'm pretty sure my FW isn't but who knows really what is going on right now.

I have in all honestly thought to myself I he can treat me so disgustingly as a rule why wouldn't he do the ultimately disrespectful act and go ahead? Sad way to be isn't it?

ahhh the cheating, his personal highlight
He cheated AFTER a nightout with friends with my 'friend' in OUR house, while I slept upstairs-gotta give him it, he had some balls.

This so called friend told me, 2 months later, wracked by guilt...poor wee thing NOT.
I called him-told him she had called by & hung up without saying anything else, that was the day I left.

it sounds like an eastenders plot, but I swear was the way my life was for a few months... now its a bit more like...the great british bake off haha.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. What selfish people.
Mine just lies constantly. It's exhausting and depressing. I'm sure you know that though.

wtaf the brain freeze you are describing is well recognised on this thread. Many moons ago it was called Spaghetti Head Mess and one brave lady actually wrote a song about it. Most of us have had it at some time. It renders you so incoherent you can't explain rationally what is happening and just look like an emotional gibbering loon. So you look like the crazy one. But once you make space away from your FW you will find it disappears.

Have you thought about making a plan to get away from him?

I've just deleted my post! Argh!

He pretty much says the reason he's so abusive is because of how I treat him. He has says he knows how awful he is but it's because I'm so awful all the time. Wtaf, I'm at home raising his children doing whatever I can to ensure they are happy and stable!

He wants me to accept my role in this complete shitstorm. So all the blame falls on me of course. I'm not allowed to discuss anything unless he says it's ok so if there is something I'm anxious about ie him going out drinking and being an arse I can't discuss it as he never goes out or sees his friends. (Untrue) granted he goes out rarely but we have tiny children and I NEVER have time to myself. He makes plans anyway and I'm just told this is what we are doing!

The brain fog is awful though as I'm constantly worrying about what's happening at home and it gets me down so much.

FW are never in the wrong and it is always our fault. I was to blame for everything. Once you realise that you can just smile and agree. There is no point arguing the case. He is gaslighting you (denying reality boldly in your face) and not respecting your right to an opinion or any time for yourself.

Have you support in RL from family or friends? Can you confide in anyone what is happening?

No, no RL support unfortunately. He accepts he is being abusive though. Does that make any difference though? I've become obsessed with trying to ensure he doesn't lie to me or deceive me and it's driving me crazy. I hate myself for what I've let myself become.

How are you trying to ensure that, wtaf? I mean is there anything you are actually doing? Or is it just that your head is filled with a constant parade of possible futures, which you are trying to ensure against?

It can't be done. Instead, cultivate a poised and alert kind of attitude, because FWs by their very nature are pretty unpredictable in some ways. And think about what is, and is not, acceptable to you.

He is not accepting responsibility for his own behaviour, but putting the blame on you. That is where you differ, and is how I can reassure you that it's him, not you.

Stay strong. No hurry.

Hey everyone, I am new to this thread. Been with hubby for almost 13 years and we have 2 docs together. Fw has been ea throughout. Want him to leave so badly, just trying to summon up the strength to do it. I have given him so many chances now, but feel wiser every time! I used to live in hope that he would change - now I KNOW he won't. Actually hate him for what he's done to me! The put downs, angry rages, silent treatment, manipulation, interrogations, chipping away at my confidence and self-esteem... I feel for any if you that have been through this! So damaging.

Both. If I act on what I think may be happening (granted it usually negative and based on his past behaviour) and ask him if something is a likely scenario them he usually goes crazy and starts shouting.

Eg, going away for work with drinking and female coworkers involved. I'll not be overly ecstatic at the prospect of this and say as much and then I'll get the whole you don't trust me, you think I'm an arsehole who would cheat etc etc. My point being that I expect him to not behave in such a way that he would end up being ridiculous as he has a tendency to go to far when alcohol is involved. He has always been quite flirty and manipulative as well as attention seeking. He is all sweetness and light when he is dealing with women and quite dismissive if it's a man.

He's created such anxiety around situations like this and female coworkers that I find it all to much to deal with. His boundaries are shaky at the best of times so I'm almost waiting for him to completely smash them to pieces once again.

He has in the past flirted with coworkers in front of me so god knows what goes on behind my back. He thinks I'm a complete bitch for thinking about him like this so usually gets angry and shouts at me.

Sorry if I'm incoherent but exhausted today. It's hard to articulate too.

I've lost ally self esteem and confidence as well as given up my career. He enjoys playing the big man so this dynamic suits him perfectly.

I feel like a weight seen lifted sharing this.

for all you exhausted folks still in turmoil in the midst of it all. It does get better once you have realised what is happening and begun to detach from the manipulation and the headmessing.

Welcome holly have you read the Bible according to St Lundy (Bancroft) yet? Your man is in there...

hi wtaf
I think you have hit the mail on the head when you say this dynamic suits him. So does all the "you are crazy" stuff and the bits where you don't know how you feel. Any way to keep you in a position where you don't question his authority right?
This bit is very hard wtaf because you are sort of half in/half out. When half out, you realise the twisted world you have to be part of in order for things to be 'normal'. The half out part of you can see what's going on but the half in bit doesn't want to believe it.
Keep posting, there will be a path to walk before you make a decision and this is a damned good place to find people who will walk with you.

Kouignamman thank you :)

I have not read it but I will. Thanks for the recommendation.

I have read 'the verbally abusive relationship' by Patricia Evans. What an eye opener!

I recommend these kind of books to everyone going through this. It really helps put perspective on the abusive relationship and the abuser. It's a big moment when you accept that their behaviour is not your fault!!!

Grrrrr

He wants to have dd overnight on Thursday but wants me to pick her up at 7am on Friday - it's my day off! His response to that? "Sucks to be u"

Ooh, what maturity he displays, gotanymore! I also have a FW that seems to be stuck developmentally in childhood. I think he's basically about ten, but unfortunately, he's got a lot more power than your average 10yo.

I have read about the past week's worth of posts, so some of my responses may seem a little, er, tardy...

thats, good to hear you're ok; thought of you a lot when you went a bit quiet around Christmas time. That's great that you've got supportive colleagues to help you through the rough days. I'm sure you'll be able to return the favour, too.

Love that idea of activities which engage all the senses, maple.

^Why won't he (FW) just be supportive and caring and empathic and compassionate?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

They are the basics!^

Arrgghhh! YY! This was what convinced me to leave for good, actually. If he doesn't know this stuff, intuitively, then he can't be made to learn it. I was in this stupid trap of trying all the time to teach him stuff that he would never learn, and he was happily letting me take responsibility for his behaviour.

Eastenders to Great British Bake Off, killpeppa - ha! Brilliant!

I've just been told to go and fuck myself. Again.

Cue the Smiths This Charming Man

He hasn't spoken to me for about 4 days now I believe.

He wins the FW prize if the morning I think.

I'm left crying BFing and running around after toddlers.

Good morning me!!

Holly300 I'm reading the Patricia Evans book and my god what an eye opener so thank for sharing that.

Now excuse me while I go and have a breakdown in the corner.

Also I just wanted to make a note that in my experience sometimes PND is a label given to women when after childbirth their situation at home becomes so traumatic that they do experience depression is some form but it has nothing to do with the childbirth experience rather the lack of spousal/partner support!

I remember sobbing on the side of the road 8 months pregnant unable to walk due to SPD and at the time undiagnosed preeclampsia begging for him to take me to hospital and him screaming at me to fuck off in the other end of the phone. I remember thinking to myself if we can just get past this hour we will be ok and it must be my fault he is so angry and upset that he won't even take me to hospital!!

Suffice to say my midwife sent me to a and e psych the minute I got there as that was a prelude to a complete meltdown. He had to come and fetch me in the end anyway. Still furious with me of course I was sent home but did see a psychiatrist who diagnosed anxiety and a depressive episode due to personal situation. I didn't even have to go into much detail they just knew.

It's appalling the way some men treat the mother of their children. I'm not saying we have an automatic right as respect goes both ways but in our circumstances the treatment is beyond reprehensible.

No sleep again last night so again may be rambling and incoherent. I usually get to told I'm making no sense...!!

You made perfect sense, Wtaf.

You are a strong woman, just to be surviving all this treatment. Someone said something to me the other day, that made me wonder if I am stronger than I realise. All that time I felt like I was drowning, but I didn't drown and I still exist, despite his attempts to change anything that wasn't enough like him.

for you and for the baby - through the ebm, naturally!

Or bm, i think I mean. Acronym confusion!

ha... I thought the e must stand for exclusive Charlotte what e bm it is with !

just wanted to repeat this sentiment.. that someone called it 'heroic' to me, and yes charlotte you must be [strongerthan you think] you just turned your life around completely!

..and I remembered another told me, to not any reason from the unreasonable. It was a belief once I believed it! I now always expect FW to be unreasonable, and thats been easier for me.

expect to be able to reason with the unreasonable

wtaf I was diagnosed with PND.
However, looking back, FW never listened to me, or held me as I cried. Even asking me (after DS was born) whether I loved DS because when I first found out I was pregnant I considered an abortion.
All of these words and negative situations all added to the feelings of insecurity post-childbirth.
I also had SPD during both pregnancies and FW used to walk ahead of me shouting back at me to hurry up when we went out. In the end I just stopped going out because being shouted at for being slow and fat when you are 7 months pregnant just aint so much fun.
In fact he never walked next to me. He always walked in front, shouting back at me to hurry up, then speeding up when I sped up, telling me I was too slow. Eeurgh!!!