Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 28

[CharlotteCollinsinherownplace]

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

This is the best news ! espcially how much can be achieved in a few months KillPeppa I maybe missedyou on here before?

welcome to the thread to Wtaf and all other newcomers. Your name says it all Wtaf.

Glad that you joined but sorry you needed to. Its a positive tho, and a real eye-opener.

Urgh. Thank you. I'm horrified at his behaviour and have blamed myself up until now. The more I read on here the more I'm accepting how badly he treats me and I can't see a way out at all. I still want it to work and want him to be nice but I guess it's never going to happen.

I'm sitting on the sofa breast feeding the baby begging him
Not to get drunk again as I need to sleep tonight and he needs to give her a bottle of expressed milk as last night he did the same thing by drinking himself to sleep so I could leave the baby in his care.

He told me he isn't going to stop drinking and has told me it's just not going to work. He keeps doing this. He keels threatening to leave and also tells me he's only here as I've asked him to stay.

I hate him. I hate what he's done to this family and I hate his constant drinking.

I'm so upset at it all. He's told me it's all me and I make it impossible for him to love me.

I'm just so sad at the mess I've made of my life and the life of my children.

It's all such a mess and I know a lot of it is my fault. I try not to feel about him the way I do but I can't help it. He is really nasty and them I am too.

I don't know what to do anymore.

oh Wtaf

Well you do know now that its not all your fault so thats a huge position of power to move forward from.

Also important to know that it was him that finds it impossible to love [anyone] its gonna take your efforts to shake his thoughts out of your head, but you will be all the better for it.

remember you did not make this mess. Its all his doing. This is the way to go, the way to get strong the way to know that his drinking isn't the way to be a goodfather and supportive caring partner when you are breast-feeding !

I think its normal to retaliate. It was only very rarely that I retaliated, but its not the path that many take, and fighting back is a healthy response to this kind of treatment.

Your life can be different, and doesn't haveto be like this, just take your time and do your thinking. When you start talking the way becomes clear?

Well he's jut said that I expect love and respect and all that goes with it but I won't get it as I'm so awful and I awful to live with. Wonderful, just wonderful.

He's sleeping/snoring on the sofa with a towel over him now. I mean really!! I just can't face it anymore. It's all too exhausting seeing him I. This state.

If he hates me so much like he constantly claims he does I don't understand why he tells me he 'wants to try'. What does 'trying' actually mean? I've never understood that. Trying to love someone? Either you do or you don't! Trying to get along? Trying to be nice? The list can go on but I'm too tired an incoherent at the moment so apologies for rambling.

I live in a dream world according to him and have no idea what's going on but honestly anything is better than this reality.

well he's made it clear what sort of person he is,and I'm guessing it doesn't sound very appealing to hang around?

I think they all accuse us of whatever they need to in order to justify having this hatred of us and showing aggression.

I hopeyou and your baby can be just somewhere calm and nestled safely away from him. You don't need to hear all that, it doesn't add to what you already know about him?

People walk away from non-abusive rs for far less reason than this. If you are so awful to live with then perhaps he should leave???

At least you have a pressure release here to let it all out.. I'd rather live in a dream too

Oh he is the life an soul everywhere else

He just hates me apparently!! Yes he actually said this. He wants to stay for his DCs, not me. He seems like he wants me to tell him to leave.

Anyway I'm so confused by his conflicting words and behaviour I don't know what's up or down anymore. All I know is I can't carry on like this and I can't do this on my own right now so just need a little hand holding for a while. And sleep of course but no such luck I suppose.

He for drunk to spite me and make me look after the baby all night again. I always do anyway as I'm ebf so expressed for tonight so I could sleep. He actively went out of his way to 'punish' me for standing up for myself again. I can't win.

yes, this sounds like FW form.

Will you be able to sleep peacefully in between feeds? Having baby in bed to make this easier for you of course is then out of the question if he's sharing the bed in this state.

you're on the right thread for lots of hand-holding.

and yep that, staying for DC not self tick, wants you to tell him to leave, well, maybe tick, or maybe wants to be able to be vile to you and still have someone and a place to live, oh and yes, life and soul everywhere else, tick that too.

What is FW?

And no of sofa thank god.

oh ummm... the term commonly applied [on this thread] to the abusive partner [fuckwit]

do you know that he wouldn't come to bed half asleep/drunk and stumble into bed if you were there with baby? I know some nights when I was too tired this would be my tactic,to have baby in bed meant they helped themselves more than I awoke when ebf?

pm'd you tempermental

I'll try and get her into her bed in a few hours so I can get some sleep but no he isn't moving I'm pretty sure of it. Passed out drunk again.
I though that's what it meant btw?? it's all a bit sad all of this. You think you're building a family when you start out and so many end up with the complete opposite. It's a bitter pill.

Oh I hope you can. The self-sustaining will give you the most strength to get through this and make decisions.. all the sleep and good nourishment you can get. Can you talk to others about this? Maybe your local WA? There's also the National helpline.

I wish you some peace for tonight at least then whilst he sleeps it off!
Let it process slowly [the bitter pill] and find yourself somewhere cosy and comforting to settle as soon as you can with your DC for the night whilst you can?

(((hugs))) hun x

Thank you for you kind messages tonight, they've helped a lot.

Wtaf did you manage to get some sleep?

I'm glad you've found this thread, it was a real eye opener for me 2 years ago and it's such a relief to find people who actually understand what you're saying.

I ebf'd too and fw-ex took this to mean he didn't need to do any feeding even though I expressed for him.

Had an hour or too. He came to get the toddler from her room this am but I've not seen him yet. He revolts me recently which is new as previously if pander to him, now not so much.

I'm tired of the broken promises, which I suppose I new we're never going I be kept, the gas lighting, the accusations that I'm craaaaaazy, I have ishooooz, all his friends think I'm diabolical, I'm this, I'm that, he's not allowed an opinion (I'm actually normally not even able to finish the first word let alone an entire sentence), I'm tired if the non existent intimacy, the shouting, the endless, endless drinking and smoking. All of it, I'm tired of it all but mostly I'm just tired. Sigh.

How are you this am. I've haven't yet read this thread so will make time today I hope.

Hello wtaf, you are coming to, a bit like in the Matrix. Breathe, take your time, post on here. We are all here to help, and we are armed with kitchen implements.

wtaf- just catching up on your posts, it was me 6 months ago, the drinking, the 'all my friends think your horrible', the 'you look after the kids'. Been there & sadly got the tshirt.
Just a bit of back story on me to let you know where I have come from...
2 DS bother under 2, emotionally abusive stbEX husband who cheated, was emotionally and financially abusive (took my bank card from me, tax credits, child benefits, the lot, I was a sahm), liked a drink (every bloody night), didnt like me leaving the house unless it was to get the shopping once a week, whereas he could party, drink & go anywhere without even a hint of where or when he would be back.

The best thing I ever done was join MN- seriously, people on.here gave me such support & advice when I was too ashamed to tell anyone in RL what was going on.
I left, stayed at my mums for a week & told him if he hadnt found a somewhere to stay until I found my own house then he would be in shit because I would change to locks.

He left, I moved, he now lives in.our old house which he can barely afford & I am very happy, havnt started the divorce process yet & still a bit iffy on handovers with the kids (as he has turned up twice hungover, stinking of drink & has been told 3rd time I will call the police to breathalyse him to see if he is fit to drive)

The first few steps are the hardest but stay strong- this isnt your fault & your probably asking yourself the age old...
how the fuck did I end up here?!
but it doesnt matter, it where you go now that counts

wtaf- im a 'normal' person too but my FW told everyone that it WAS ME that was abusive, told my family I had PND and bipolar-all untrue.
Who does that....

Why won't he (FW) just be supportive and caring and empathic and compassionate?! Why?! Why?! Why?!

They are the basics! I want to tear my hair out and stamp my feet but just end up silent and tense and unable to articulate anything other than a stammery incoherent sentence.

He then tells me I can't even tell him what I've done to upset him as am therefore making it all up to have a go and cause an argument.

All I'll say it W.T.A.F!!

And yes it's exactly like the Matrix and I'm most definitely waking up. Slowly detaching. I hope!!

Hi Killpeppa

Your FW sound hideous. Blatantly hideous. Mine enjoys a more subtle form of torture but does the same such a making out he is the poor hard done by one. I feel like someone has tied my brain and tongue in a knot most days and I'm usually pretty, concise, eloquent and articulate. So so much anymore. It's easier just to stay quiet like a good little girl in the background.

He is only here for the DCs sake some days and not because he wants to be. Then if I acquiesce and try and be affectionate and ignore all te shite he OF COURSE cares and loves me.

Such a bloody mess!

Killpeppa

yep .. abusers do that. I worried very much about the awful behaviours of FW ex attributing them all too very high stress at work, worried about how much he drank (how he doesn't stop after the night's over, would start on the turps attitude). He has shouted it very loudly that I'm abusive. Something he never ever said during our time together, to my face. I had, when i looked back, realised I had used the word abuse to him, texted replies that he had been abusive, that the way he'd treated me/us was abusive, and texting friends that I was shaking because I'd received a text from him in an text argument whilst he was out somewhere.

It was a shock when I looked back, as 'consciously' it took me a long time to realise that the things he said weren't true (still on that journey), and yes told all and everyone that would listen. I started to notice how everything that went wrong in rs's wasn't his fault. He would like to stir up discord between others and step back and enjoy the scene. I had seen him actively goading others loads for absolutely no reason and laughing off the reaction, but I consciously normalised it all. sub-consciously I was logging it tho.

wtaf- oh yes, ive been that quiet girl in the backround, easier to get on with things than to avoid being told what a shit person/mother/wife/ I am.

Now he knows better than to try it, I was feisty before him & Im feisty after him, wish I hadnt been so scared of loosing him that instead I lost myself.