Please Help- I think I have hit rock bottom

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry I have so start a new thread, sure some kind soul will link for me, please?

But very briefly I asked my P of 20 years to leave a couple of weeks before Xmas, it has been a tough Xmas as NY as to be expected, I know if I was advising a friend I will tell her she was did the right thing.

But this weekend I think my mental state has taken an all time low, DS 13 is being very aggressive and difficult, normal teenage stuff all be it a bit extreme, I am struggling with him. I feel totally a drift.

I have just driven back from dropping DS off @ school and have sobbed uncontrollably and made myself sick from crying. I actually think nobody would really give a shit if I was not here. I am stuggling to see any point in anything. I have massive debts, not helping because it is hard to concentrate on work, I hate my beautiful house right now, just reminds me of us. I have a constant pain in my right temple. Eating really badly which is really not good for my diabetes.

I thought I was doing so well and this weekend it all seems to have come crashing down. I just want it all to end.

Sorry for the long rant but I need to sensible advise on how to get past all these horrible thoughts I am having.

I am not medically qualified.

Alcohol is a depressant. I have been effectively teetotal for years trying to manage chronic depression which is very different from what you are suffering from (currently drinking a lot more due to other irrelevant circs so not against alcohol as such). My experience was that if you have a drink with Citalopram you get a really vile headache, really nasty. I personally wouldn't risk it, but you may find it possible. I'd try and work around it if I were you, but then I have never been a drinker so it is slightly different for me.

I used to take Citalopram in the evening, around about the same time each day. It helped me sleep off any drowsiness that came with it in the first few days and night time was when I suffered worst. I think it is something that is worth trying out for yourself. Don't be scared of the ADs and give them time. And if Citalopram is no good then ask for something different. At the same time look at things like exercise, diet, etc that can help you apart from the ADs

My totally unqualified opinion is that you have had far too much thrown at you over far too long and if you weren't reacting with stress and depression then there would be something wrong with you. If a massive weight falls on your leg it is natural that it would break or at least have a bit of a dent. So you use medical help to get yourself some balance until you don't need them, at the same time being sensible about how to make things easier for yourself.

btw on Citalopram I worked in the County Court (high volume, output monitored, absolute accuracy required) and as a legal secretary (high volume and absolute accuracy required). I managed but it was hard. It doesn't always suit everyone. I am sending you loads of good vibes and I really respect the stand you have taken to protect your son.

Again lisa thanks so much for sharing, it is invaluable. I will start taking them tonight at least I have the weekend to adjust a bit. DS cannot miss school. I think you are right that I have had so much to cope with and have shut out the pain, it all starting to hit me like a ton of bricks.I have taken shit for years but when I saw how it was hurting DS it had to stop.

I do think giving up my wine right now though probably would not be the best idea.

Don't laugh all but have just bought a steam cleaner from Argos and have decided to clean to house from top to bottom this weekend, also might venture out to the gym ( has been a few weeks) Sure DS will be busy with his mates this weekend as now end of grounding (has been all week) He was particularly over the top even for a teenager. Mentioned going to the cinema and lunch with his dad. Glad X has got money to spend. DS not that into Cinema but will take what he can.

Hi Blossom, cleaning sounds like an excellent idea and I'm a complete housework slut. There's nothing like the feeling of saintliness that comes over me when I've got my arse into gear and waved the hoover round for a while. Sending you good vibes and hope this weekend passes easily. If I could do those picture things I'd send you a glass of wine and a bunch of flowers!

You're welcome to come and stay and do some cleaning here Blossom!

I have been considering getting a steam cleaner... So perhaps we can go off thread and discuss whether the one you've got is any good (and actually how it works!!!)

Very glad that you saw the Dr sucessfully.. and LIsa's advice seems to be very timely!

Well put the steam cleaner together in readiness for tomorrow, I also bemused on how it works. I too am a confirmed housework slut . Still sitting there looking at the AD's will try an pluck up courage later. Friend popped in earlier for a quick chat, see some people do care.

Well wish me well on my clean quest. Still not taken the pill, woke up this morning with a feeling of dread, this really has to stop some how.

Speaking as an advocate of ADs, the cleaning may do you more good than the pills. However if you take them with the same attitude as anitbiotics (many of them have side effects) then I hope you will feel more reassured.

tbh if you get a buzz out of cleaning/exercise/fresh air/absence of cause of stress then you can perhaps get away without them.

My situation is different from yours. ADs were and are the best option for me (currently not taking them, doing okay) so all I can say is that they are a useful tool to possibly get you through the awful time your not-so-useful tool of an ex dumped you in, but you may be able to manage without them.

Good luck!

Dont' even know where to start with this cleaning lark, such a mammouth task. XP supposed to be taking DS to the cinema this weekend but still has not confirmed when, likes to leave it to the last minute, well it least that way it makes sure I cannot plan much. You are right lisa he is a tool

We had a steam cleaner, I think it was used for floors mostly - till the little moppy hat things started to fall off all the time. (Can you tell I am a housework slut as well?) You could post in Good Housekeeping.

I used to spend ages trying to work out the best order to clean (overwhelmed, and procrastination technique) - till I realised that I should just start cleaning something!

Twill be v therapeutic.

Well cleaning not going well, went shopping and then went saw DS1 and had a call from DM abroad that her house here has been broken into last night so will probably have to go over there to sort things out tomorrow. There are pretty devastated and coming home next Tuesday now. Also had a very long conversation with DB, He likes XP but said he noticed his totally strange behaviour last time he was over. Glad other people can see it. Sadly his relationship is on the rocks with his DW. Oh Dear. Any how back to Steam Cleaner it is armed and ready to go

I bit the bullet and the dog spent 90mins trying to protect me from the hoover this afternoon. And I cleaned the sinks.

And the dog had a lovely walk this morning in the sun - lots of running.

Well DS has just gone of with his dad, who can't seem to do any wrong in DS eyes right now and I am the mean nasty nag. I feel so low, it seems so unjust. I protect DS by kicking him out and now they are off together all sweetness and light, going to the cinema and lunch, while I sit here alone again. Also shouted at DS this morning because I bought a ready made meal for later as was going to slouch day and he ate it for breakfast. Petty but made me see red.

I would be at someone eating my food too. Can you pop out for another ready meal or some

You are being a normal person. Your FW (fuckwit) is being Disney dad. It is annoying I know. Hang in there.

Just dad a bloody pop noodle, I am an accomplished cook for christ sake but just can not bring myself to cook. I can't even verbalise why I am so upset today. I hate my fucking life right now, feel like screaming but might friighten the animals.

BLossom - its not surprising that you're feeling awful, it really isn't. I don't know whether discussing the reason you're feeling like this with DS would be reasonable or not. But the fact that P is suddenly reasonable and able to spend money on his son, when he's been not contribution for years and being horrid at the same time must be really galling.

Well XP took him to see the film American Hustle, this is 15, Just had a look at the trailer and looks wholly inappropriate for a 13 yr old. Am I over reacting because I am feeling bad? need some impartial advice of that one.

If you tried stopping them from seeing each other ex would play the martyr victim card and DS would have a big excuse to kick off and do the Rebel With A Cause thing. It sucks but rise above it. After all you didn't just leave ex for DS' s sake, he wasn't easy to live with and you put up with so much for 20 years. DS will be glad of crumbs of attention from his father, who knows how long before the novelty of playing super dad will wear off. Don't let that man spoil what bond you have with DS.

Was not surprised twatty ex left it to the last minute to confirm details and can see it makes planning your free time very difficult. But next time can you resolve to go out, so you're not fuming at home, I am not saying adopt a contrived air of insouciance but anything is better than feeling murderous.

Very wise words, XP is such a twat and you are correct that it was not just for DS benefit though was the deciding factor in the end. I need to start that list, all the reasons I should not have let him stay.
I am fuming about the choice of film, but worry that I may be over reacting, I know I would not have let DS watch it.

If its a 15 and he's 13, no, your ex shouldn't have taken him to see it or let him watch it. It is irresponsible and is not setting your son a good example.

Had a look, some ripe language but not too gory. 15 means 15 so is your ex stupid or amnesiac? I assume it's something he fancied seeing.

Something ex fancied watching, I mean.

There seem to be some pretty full on sex scenes. What the actual fuck is wrong with him, so irresponsible. donkey I would go with stupid asshole actually. Yes I am sure XP wanted to see the movie. DS thought, it was a very long film, told me it went on for 3 hours, I think it was 2. LOL

Instead of a film that's too old for him maybe they'll do something like ten pin bowling next time, of course you can't very well suggest ideas without looking controlling, the daft thing is they couldn't exactly chat or have a heart to heart gawping at a film could they.

tbh, I just can't trust XP to be responsible. In the summer he took DS fishing and managed to get cut off by the tide ( knew the area exactly) and brought DS back @ about 1 in the morning which happened to be a school night. Just thought I was control freak for being annoyed. Drink driving with DS in the car, said fishing trip could be be done with out drinking. How he has never been caught is a mystery.

The Crimestoppers line is anonymous I understand. (!).

It's not being a killjoy to protect your DS from being a minor in a vehicle driven by anyone under the influence, his father should know better.