Please Help- I think I have hit rock bottom

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry I have so start a new thread, sure some kind soul will link for me, please?

But very briefly I asked my P of 20 years to leave a couple of weeks before Xmas, it has been a tough Xmas as NY as to be expected, I know if I was advising a friend I will tell her she was did the right thing.

But this weekend I think my mental state has taken an all time low, DS 13 is being very aggressive and difficult, normal teenage stuff all be it a bit extreme, I am struggling with him. I feel totally a drift.

I have just driven back from dropping DS off @ school and have sobbed uncontrollably and made myself sick from crying. I actually think nobody would really give a shit if I was not here. I am stuggling to see any point in anything. I have massive debts, not helping because it is hard to concentrate on work, I hate my beautiful house right now, just reminds me of us. I have a constant pain in my right temple. Eating really badly which is really not good for my diabetes.

I thought I was doing so well and this weekend it all seems to have come crashing down. I just want it all to end.

Sorry for the long rant but I need to sensible advise on how to get past all these horrible thoughts I am having.

ATM just take it a day at a time. You have already begun to heal, however you are having to re-evaluate your whole life and of course this can be painful.

You are doing well with DS. You sorted your spat and ended on a hug.

Focus on your DS, he's like a victim of abuse here, will be missing the man this DF never was.

What does his counsellor say about a meeting? Does the therapist think he's strong enough/ready to deal with Mr Manipulator?

donkey and pussycat speak a lot of sense!

Oh BlossomFlowers I am sorry you are feeling so down, we met on my thread and I truly understand how you are feeling.

My meltdown happened this morning. DS was so upset last night and just sobbing. Then this morning I made appointments with solicitor and benefits people. I am shit scared tbh.

I wish you the best petal.

Thanks donkeys Don't suppose it also helps being grey and miserable. DS is grounded for now, I somehow need to get him under control. He has been drinking and smoking and extremely agressive and rude, I feel worn down and a little bit lost. Does not take grounding seriously as thinks he can ring his dad up and he will take him where he wants to go. And he will, probably just to piss me off.

yes you are right about CBT. they 'desperately' advise us to have it but there is such a long waiting list it's ridiculous!
is there anyway in the meantime, you can have time for you to de stress?
MN is great for honest and wise advise - as others say keep talking on here, you will get through this, are there any nice wildlife places u could just go and get a walk one morning sometimes just a little walk and fresh air does help. are you into anything crafty like card making or something that could help you relax in evenings? reading?....x

Hi alchemist sorry you are feeling bad. as donkey said maybe it is the let down after Xmas and just miserable time contributing. How old is your son?
Mine is 13 goes from acting like a 17yr old to baby sobbing on the floor.

DS is 9 and DD 7. DD is furious with me because I won't let daddy back. She will not accept he chose to leave us.

Also, do consider ADs. I am (mostly) finding myself feeling slightly calmer.

Don't forget 13 is a mix of boy and man, much of that's completely to be expected.

CBT is only good for teaching us to control runaway thoughts. It's great to use when you've had some practice in being able to think calm, but frightfully hard to use at the height of a crisis!

All CBT is, (simply) is to look at the situation before you and look past all the emotions attached to it, and just focus on the cold hard facts.

Like, allowing yourself to know that today's always going to be crappy, allow yourself to wallow, tell yourself it's ok.

Keep telling yourself, it will get better, it will get better.

I've tried ADs in the past and (for me) they didn't work. What I did find that worked when I discovered i'd got agoraphobia and felt sick/panicked/the need to run when outside/in crowds for too long, was Bach's Rescue Remedy.

Dunno if that was psychosomatic or real, but over time I overcame the panic and i'm more or less back to my normal self now!

It is rather amazing how kids see things really. The reason I finally kicked him out was that DS had overheard his dad calmly saying h hated the "little fucker" how he had ruined his life. Apparently he has over heard several of thse speeches and had begun SH. When I took him to the Counselling it became pretty evident that his dad was the problem. But now DS thinks dad is great. I will think about AD's might helpm just scared to taking pills.
cake I have watched so many movies, done jigsaws, read till the wee hours, think my eyes might drop out. I am also learning French, so doing my best to keep calm, and breathe.

A little better this morning, DS atleast was not throwing himself on the kitchen saying he cannot go to school. Can't seem to sleep very well at night and am feeling pretty hopeless. Just can't see the point in anything almost like my life is over. I've had my piece of it and that it. Driving back from school seem to really trigger these massive low feeling

I really don't have any wise words BlossomFlowers as I am feeling pretty much the same way. I think we do just have to keep plodding on and we will get there eventually. It's all a bit grey isn't it? I mean life and the time of year. I hope today goes along reasonably x

I am sorry you are feeling bad alchemist, can you remind me of your thread? You mentioned you were on AD's how long have you been taking and how quickly did they work? I am worried as I am beginning to feel unhinged and it is scarey. The pressure I feel is immense and overwhelming, all much to bear right now.

Early days Blossom you haven't the luxury of duvet days convalescing but quite understandably you are having a dip after prolonged emotional turmoil.

Rationally you know deep down you are better off without the ex but it's tough untangling thought processes.

I am not pushing ADs but if you are wondering if they'd become an artificial crutch, or somehow you'd get hooked, is it worth discussing this with your doctor?

I wish I had a crystal ball to fast forward six months, I think it is early days yet but you are going to be all right.

I don't think DS truly thinks his dad is all that great. Isn't it more likely he seizes on any perceived kindness from your ex and says to himself see, Dad loves me, I knew he did really.. . A child has an almost limitless capacity to forgive and excuse. In part because at the root of it the child secretly blames him or herself = if I were more lovable, Dad/Mum would love me back and we'd all be together.

At his age DS isn't responsible for anyone else's happiness and I imagine you avoid any suggestion he was the catalyst for your relationship breaking up. Rebellious children come from so-called stable families too and thanks to ex bailing out, you are bearing the brunt of adolescent acting up.

A friend of mine told me she was sorely tempted to suggest to her surly teen DD "If Dad's so great and I'm so rubbish why don't you go and live with him?" Another Disney Dad who dropped DD every time he dated a new gf and then lovebombed her when things didn't work out. DD knew for all her mother's strictness and curfews she was honest and never stinted on love and support.

Your DS will be smart enough to see he only has one parent laying down the law. That parent is the one he can depend on.

I know rationally I am going to better off without him but I am worried I am not feeling that rational, it is everything, especially money, I am angry with DS telling me about his dad, poor kid not his fault at all but just hearing about him, buying a car, new clothes, going away for NY, his sister so saying going to live in France ( said no doubt to "get" to me). Is making me sick. I have spend past few weeks just not thinking about him and it has made it easier, my way of dealing. I want to erase him from my mind. NOW

Blossom my thread is Edit: It does hurt slightly less. I was a bit previous in asking MNHQ to change the title .

The ADs are helping me though. I had a bad day yesterday making appointments with benefits and solicitor and it all built up to me sobbing and snotting most of the day.

BUT today I feel more on a level. The AD I am on is called Citalopram and I have been using it for approx. 9 weeks. I honestly cannot tell you how long it took for any effects/side effects as started taking it 2 days after H left, so I can't really say what was the ADs/shock/weeping/feeling sick/etc. I think I felt all of those anyway but, 9ish weeks on, I feel mostly more able to cope. They don't make me go "Yahoo" nbut do help me to manage the days in a more balanced way.

The GP had prescribed the ADs for me several months before I started taking them. I was reluctant to take them but now I am glad I did.

I don't think your anger is misplaced but don't let it turn inwards. Maybe exercise would help. Could you sign up for some fitness class like army fitness or go to a gym or boxing or do you run?

Sorry for the earlier essay btw.

donkey sorry our post crossed. All makes sense, thank you this is the sort of thing I need to keep hearing. I has been nearly 5 weeks and he has only been out with his dad once. Speak volumes I suppose but I am secretly glad I don't think XP is a good person to be around right now the less he has to do with him the better really. Sure XP is busy convincing himself that he is a victim, that is his form. Would never accept an ounce of blame for anything that has happened to him in life.

Oh alchemist I have just read you thread and sounds like you have had a terrible time, you are 4 weeks ahead of me but doing so well under the circumstances. Your H sounds like a grade A prick. Mine X also, the difference is that he doesn't give a shit about his kids, but then that was the main reason I could not go on any longer.

Someone slap me please, I am now crying my eyes out because he has just replied to my txt with payments he is going to make and I am feeling sorry for him. WTAF if wrong with me

'Feeling sorry for him' !!!! He's only got money because he's been squirreling it away so that your money had to support the whole family Blossom. Either that or he cba to do any work to get any whilst he was part of the family. You gave him plenty of chances. You really cannot feel sorry for someone that speaks like that of their own son even if the son can't hear it.

I'm glad that he has come up with some indication of what he's going to do - about time too.

Blossom just xxxx to you -x

Slap harder! go on I deserve, I think cba is right, he just took me for granted, I could not help reply a minute ago "that is was a pity he did not pay whilst we were together and but "hope he enjoyed the free restaurant" Childish I know. When the money is in the bank I will believe. When he promises things he really means it at the time but he is truely hopeless with money