Please Help- I think I have hit rock bottom

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry I have so start a new thread, sure some kind soul will link for me, please?

But very briefly I asked my P of 20 years to leave a couple of weeks before Xmas, it has been a tough Xmas as NY as to be expected, I know if I was advising a friend I will tell her she was did the right thing.

But this weekend I think my mental state has taken an all time low, DS 13 is being very aggressive and difficult, normal teenage stuff all be it a bit extreme, I am struggling with him. I feel totally a drift.

I have just driven back from dropping DS off @ school and have sobbed uncontrollably and made myself sick from crying. I actually think nobody would really give a shit if I was not here. I am stuggling to see any point in anything. I have massive debts, not helping because it is hard to concentrate on work, I hate my beautiful house right now, just reminds me of us. I have a constant pain in my right temple. Eating really badly which is really not good for my diabetes.

I thought I was doing so well and this weekend it all seems to have come crashing down. I just want it all to end.

Sorry for the long rant but I need to sensible advise on how to get past all these horrible thoughts I am having.

You don't deserve it. You didn't deserve him to turn out to be such a heartless waste of space. But you've taken the action you needed to to deal with that problem and now you've just got to ensure that you get what you should do from him to protect yours and DS's future.

blossom going through very similar, so hope your okay, I'm struggling a little, think we are allowed to feel this way, so your totally normal in my eyes x

sorry oops I did see your thread, how bloody heartless people can be, so many sad people
Had a txt from XP this afternoon, it is priceless, banging on about how hard he is working and how he will honour his commitments and pay me and the best bit, he wishes me well. I don't understand his brain.

Blossom i don't know what's worse to be honest, just know as tough as it is for us both right now, going to use mumsnet to get head together - and I think the advice given on here by most is priceless -

I'm glad you've posted, and been so honest, you've helped me in a way - it helps knowing your not alone going through a hard time, but mountains of lovely people offering advice, priceless, and needed -

So thanks to them, and especially you, I think you've been very brave to post your feelings xx

Do you have kids together oops?

Blossom my 4 year old is ours, my ten year old (who was 4 when we got together), from a previous, but always called him 'dad' -

To be honest, me and my 10 year old best mates, and my 4 year old a brilliant soul (total extrovert !!!) We're good without him, so I'm lucky xx

We have DS 13 and older son but has know him since he was 2 and called him dad. Not even sent him a txt since the split. Noticed DS1 has reverted to calling by Christian name now. His loss.

blossom same here- but ive just lost my cool over a text, now feel totally vunerable - threats a plenty

blossom wnd Oops how are you today? Sending good vibes and all sorts of hippy shite to you .

Hi there Alchemist I have just posted in the thread. Like you up and down. For me early morning seem to be the worst. I could just sob on the way back from school run. I think the reason I am feeling so bad this week is I am allowing myself to thing about things, before I refused to give him head space. XP is now "planning to take DS away for the weekend" hilarious really as could not bear to be in the same room as DS a couple of months ago. I think he is so bad for DS but at a loss what to do about it.

waves to everyone else

If the weekend trip comes to pass you may not be able to fully relax but it will give you a break. I understand your concern about DS and what kind of influence his dad has over him. Rather like the unsuitable gf a parent distrusts, the more you rant about a person the more appealing they become to your teen. If there is cause for concern following a visit, then you can follow this up but I wouldn't advise you to give DS cause to think you are in any way using him to score points against your ex, not that you are. Deciding for himself at this age is vital for DS.

You are right donkeys I must quietly seethe. It will probably never happen. Sitting with DS last night he asked me out of the blue, if his Dad had ever wanted kids ( obviously overheard XP saying he never wanted to be a father. )To which I told DS he was planned (he really was) His face really lit up, "really I was planned". Must be so confusing for DS. God I really hate him right now. (X not DS)

It is maddening and ex must be cruel or stupid to ever say aloud in front of DS what any decent human being would blush to think.

I think this is the crux and I really am handling it badly. Things his dad has said about DS's is appalling. As I have said at the beginning of my "threads" that it took me going to DS counselling session and seeing the shock on her face as to what DS had overheard, then XDP refusing to accept there was a problem and accusing DS of being an lying little shit.
Now XP playing "nice reasonable dad" DS is now back tracking and saying his dad is being really nice now. Grrrrr.

Hi Blossom, I find January and February almost impossible to get through - and it gets worse as I get older. It's the dark, the gloom, the rain, and the anticlimax after Christmas. All this, and I'm not facing any of the problems you are. I salute you for keeping going! You keep mentioning you're worried about money. Even without the ExP shenanigans, this is enough to keep most people awake at night. Please please face your financial problems. Book and appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau, or the National debt line www.nationaldebtline.co.uk/england_wales/ DON'T sign up for any of the companies that promise to help you clear your debt with government grants without look at the National Debtline first - it has a whole section on them! You can't "fix" your ExP, but you may be able to get your money worried under control, which will give you a feeling of more control over your life. Finally, trust the advice of the Mnetters who've been through similar - they are right, you will feel better, and life will improve.

Thanks stollen Sadly my financial problems as too big now. I am shamed to say that it has driven me to some very bad thoughts. I am on a debt management plan but owe HMRC so much they want to make me bankrupt. All of this has been building up for a long time, I was unable to discuss with XP. You are right to day not to run away but there is little else I can do but soilder on with work and hope I make money.

I have just booked an appointment with the GP for tomorrow as I think I need help, I am so scared to take drugs but know I need to do something. I feel so silly and pathetic

You're not silly and pathetic, really not. You are strong and loving. Go in with your head held high (but take some tissues with you).

Blossom - I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you discussed bankruptcy with Citizens advice? I've heard it is sometimes the best course to take. Don't ever let debt lead you to bad thoughts please.
I hope your GP can help you tomorrow. Keep posting, there's lots of help on MN.

No have not discussed with CA. Think there is a business Debt line, may try them .Stupid thing is if HMRC force things, they will end up with nothing as other debtors come first. I want to trade out of it, have had arrangement with them for last year and was going very but new tax year and they are putting on the heavies. Might be all bluff to get more out of me. Sorry I can not help having bad thought, I feel totally and utterly overwhelmed right now. It is like I am in a little boat in deep dark seas adrift and all alone and there is no one to rescue me

Please don't be scared to take ADs if the GP offers them. The right ones can really help, as I know myself. I also second stollen on talking to CAB about the best way to deal with your financial situation.

What worries me about AD's is that I will be spaced out and will find it hard to work. Bearing in mind the money worries this cannot just happen. Oh and just eaten and banana and after eight mints ( left over from Xmas) and I have diabetes not the best food choice

Explain the need to work and not be spaced out to your Dr. Talk about what options there might be to help and what the side effects might be. See if you can get on a list for some Counselling if you think that might help (you are, after all, suffering from the loss of your partnership of 20 years - one, presumably, that you thought would last you longer and be more supportive than it actually turned out to be).

I will mistle thank you for your advice, see what GP says.
I have been brave and called HMRC and they have accepted to keep arrangement for this month and paid I mortgage, we have enough money to keep us until the end of the month. Deep breathing.
In the meantime asshole wants to take DS to the cinema and dinner and weekend away soon. Glad he can afford it, I hope it all comes crashing down on him soon.

My ADs (paroxatine) have never made me feel spaced out - on the contrary! But this can vary from person to person and med to med. The most I have felt is slight nausea in the first week or two after taking them.