Please Help- I think I have hit rock bottom

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry I have so start a new thread, sure some kind soul will link for me, please?

But very briefly I asked my P of 20 years to leave a couple of weeks before Xmas, it has been a tough Xmas as NY as to be expected, I know if I was advising a friend I will tell her she was did the right thing.

But this weekend I think my mental state has taken an all time low, DS 13 is being very aggressive and difficult, normal teenage stuff all be it a bit extreme, I am struggling with him. I feel totally a drift.

I have just driven back from dropping DS off @ school and have sobbed uncontrollably and made myself sick from crying. I actually think nobody would really give a shit if I was not here. I am stuggling to see any point in anything. I have massive debts, not helping because it is hard to concentrate on work, I hate my beautiful house right now, just reminds me of us. I have a constant pain in my right temple. Eating really badly which is really not good for my diabetes.

I thought I was doing so well and this weekend it all seems to have come crashing down. I just want it all to end.

Sorry for the long rant but I need to sensible advise on how to get past all these horrible thoughts I am having.

Is MrScottishAccent still on the site where you met?

Handsome is as handsome does, but if the other man seems interested and you & MrSA are not exclusive, I guess it does no harm to chat online.

Forgot to say, asking about contraception seems very sensible.

I have not seen him online but then I am have been a couple of times so who am I to judge. If I could believe everything he said then I probably would not chat with anyone else, but there is the rub for me, living with a compulsive liar for 20 has left its mark.
It was mrscottishaccent that brought the subject of contraception, think I am too old now to get pregnant but don't want to take any chances., That part of my life is over

Personally I am all for a simple life, one thing at a time, but I understand you might not want to put all your eggs in one basket.

I expect the MNers on the Relationships dating thread could advise.

By nature I am like that donkey but I have promised myself to keep my protected, I cannot bear to be hurt so will keep my cancerian shell up.

Can see why, Blossom, you deserve some fun and freedom, and at the same time a force field round you.

That pain, all gone away? you must be feeling ecstatic.

I am so happy not to be in pain, I am off to the gym this pm for a bit of gentle exercise, ( got to tone those thighs, lol)
No reply to my text from FW, umm what a surprise. He missed bumbing into mr Scottishacccent on Saturday morning by 10 minutes but I think he may guess something is up.

Very pleased to hear that you've had a good weekend - and that your arm has stopped hurting too!

Thanks mistle Arm a little achey but have done a good workout today, first in a couple of months..
FW still not replied to me text re contact, here come the fun and games.

You know that FW will do all he can to stop you moving on, don't you? You're supposed to be devastated and trying to win him back, willing to be a fall back position when he runs out of money.

Good luck and always have a fall back sitter.

Also, sorry to be a bit gloomy, but FW has caused DS to self harm in past, so please protect him when it comes to contact. It's a difficult line to walk - encouraging a relationship but protecting a child. Sending good vibes.

Thanks lisa co -incidence that he has not replied to my text, I hope so. But sadly you are probably right. He has always said he wants me to be happy and hope I meet somebody, that used to really wind me up when we were together, well he got what he wished for now. DS is nearly 14, he seems to want to have a relationship with his Dad but have no fear I will be keeping a close watch.

It might just be that FW is considering what to do Blossom. At worst I think he will try and bargain for a reduction in his debt in exchange for seeing DS. It sounds horrible put like that but it wouldn't surprise me.

So any update from MrSA, and what did you decide to do about contacting really hot looking man, .

Hi donkey Umm not FW's style to think, he has actually always replies to my texts, so god knows, will leave it if not heard anything later will text him again, just could not handle actually speaking with him. Maybe he is upset I am seeing other people and not crying over him
No news from MrSA but would rather find out he is a dick sooner rather than later, am sitting on my hands if get tempted to text him, don't regret Friday night what ever happens, it was really good for me..
Mr really hot looking man (lol) messaged me loads and first thing, we are talking tonight. I seem to be getting a lot of attention this week, must be spring in the air.

Well sent another message to FW gave gave him benefit of maybe left his phone @ home or not charged. Still no reply so umm he def is ignoring me. so the fun begins

DS asked me if he was going to his dad's tomorrow, had to say no because now there is silence, so tomorrow afternoon, I will spend driving to and from school, and then back to CAHMS appointment ( 20 mile round trip each time), which last an 1.5 so not worth coming home for. So tomorrow PM no work for me, mortgage and bills to pay with no help from FW. Pressure with money is huge Still maybe DS will start to see how bloody great disney dad is, does not involve a pub or fishing, not fun doing the boring stuff. and breathe

Sorry Blossom sounds a drudge, if FW had bothered to ask you could have explained it's not all about hot dates and exciting men.

He knew that I would want to and get some work done, I was going to take him and would hope he would have picked him up. I have not mentioned anything about dating, I assuming he has guessed, again this is his way of controlling me, both with time and money, stringing things out, making me ask. And I am the control freak

Any update from ex or is he still being elusive?

Any word from MrSA?

Hi donkey not FW has responded to any of my texts, so I have arranged for DS to stay with his brother on Friday night and Saturday with family friends as have spa day day booked with my friend and her husband is keeping an eye on kids and my DS. Funny how he is suddenly stopped replying, well he kept saying he hoped I would find someone else, probably thought I would not get the chance holed up here and never getting chance to plan anything when he arranged stuff with DS behind me back and last mintute. All seems a bit calculating on hindsight. Mr SA is coming to see me on Friday, and we had some rather risky sexting going on last night, I this morning reading them back, goodness what is the matter with me lol

Glad MrSA has replied... must feel good!

What a Twunt ExP is. There is no doubt that DS2 will work this out without you having to spell it out for him...

Thanks mistle yes it does feel nice, I am taking it for what it is though. This week feels so much nicer, I have been to the gym twice, not in agony ( a bit sore but bearable) and oh made some money. Good job as promised funds from FW have not appeared, probably never will now
At the time when we split I thought FW really did not give a flying fuck what I did, I was too busy licking my wounds to think straight as you will all remember. I am now starting to see things is a different light, pretty ironic that one of his insults used to be to call me a control freak. You think FW would have grabbed the opportunity to get closer with DS but hey ho, what else can I do
DS2 went to group cancelling today arranged through CAHMS, I hope I helps his confidence.

So the silence continues, FW really is living up to his name, DS not mentioned seeing him either, oh it must be horrid to know that you have a parent who really does not give a shit. Sometimes I am angry with myself, FW always told me he would be a crap dad even in the early days, I should have listened to him.

Give your DS2 a big hug when he gets home from school. He does have a parent that loves him and cares for him and wants the best for him - that's all he needs. You are setting him a good example of what a parent should do - and he also has an example of what a parent shouldn't do too to help him in his future.

I hope the counselling helps DS. I am sorry his father is unable to put DS first for a change.

So, how is your arm today?

Thanks guys. DS knows I love his tell him everyday, he seemed to enjoy the group counselling. Even though he won't see his dad this weekend at least he will be with close friends, has known them since he was 6 months. Arm still sore and still having to take painkillers but slowly becoming more bearable. Am excited about the weekend, date in Friday and Spa day on Saturday.

Well this is interesting, has a text from FW apologising for missing my txts, umm I sent 3.anyhow we have just exchanged lots of messages, he said he he is very happy to have DS Friday or Saturday night and one day during the week, and said he is working all weekend so he can give me a money next week again apologising. This is then followed but lots of friendly banter, wtaf, I even found myself lauughing out loud at some, how very odd.