Please Help- I think I have hit rock bottom

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry I have so start a new thread, sure some kind soul will link for me, please?

But very briefly I asked my P of 20 years to leave a couple of weeks before Xmas, it has been a tough Xmas as NY as to be expected, I know if I was advising a friend I will tell her she was did the right thing.

But this weekend I think my mental state has taken an all time low, DS 13 is being very aggressive and difficult, normal teenage stuff all be it a bit extreme, I am struggling with him. I feel totally a drift.

I have just driven back from dropping DS off @ school and have sobbed uncontrollably and made myself sick from crying. I actually think nobody would really give a shit if I was not here. I am stuggling to see any point in anything. I have massive debts, not helping because it is hard to concentrate on work, I hate my beautiful house right now, just reminds me of us. I have a constant pain in my right temple. Eating really badly which is really not good for my diabetes.

I thought I was doing so well and this weekend it all seems to have come crashing down. I just want it all to end.

Sorry for the long rant but I need to sensible advise on how to get past all these horrible thoughts I am having.

Don't 'ask' as that will result in him thinking that he is 'doing you a favour' - I would tell the two of them!

You've often said FW seemed pleased at the thought of you meeting other men. Why not ask? Phrase it without using the expression, 'please do me a favour'. Something like, "Hi FW (well not using that exact name), DS would like to see you, any chance you can see him Friday night?"

Anyway isn't it half term? Wouldn't he spend at least one day and night with DS?

x post same thinking!

He has not asked to see DS he has never bothered to do anything in holidays even when he was here, I was hoping he would be grown up and come and suggest something formal but am sure I am expecting too much. It no like I am planning anything too much for Friday but would even feel awkward about inviting the guy in for coffee with ds here, iyswim.
So you reckon rather than ask

I was thinking FW might shuffle his feet and ask why, to which you could say you were thinking of a night out, and if he asks if it's a date say it's all low key but yes it could be.

Well might do got nothing to loose I suppose. I think it is such a terrible shame that he seems to have no desire to see his own son. I should not even be having to ask. He was always happy to boast to everyone about his wife (me) and his son, but when push comes to shove it was all about his ego. I used to get so annoyed when he told everyone I was his wife but if truth he did not have the balls to get married.

You are right, it is sad that doting dads somehow lose track and become elusive and self-centred. What must go through their head?

As for calling you his 'wife' when not married, did you both agree early on not to make it official? "If you liked it, then you shoulda put a ring on it".

Well he was never doting as as you know was a pretty poor excuse as a dad just not seem to know how, I could not tell you how many times he rewrote history saying how I had tricked him into being a dad and never wanted kids yadda yadda. I never thought he would totally walk away from DSD to the extent he has, so heartless really.
We did get engaged many years ago, but whenever I started making arrangements he would back out, change his mind, fuck with my head basically. so whenever I heard him refer to me as his wife I would pull him up on it and eventually in public a couple of times when I finally had enough. He got very angry about it he hates looking the bad guy. Our very close friends kept asking why we did not tie the know and I looked up and simply said that FW did not want to marry me, all hell broke loose that time. This has been going on for years, I should have kicked him out so long ago. Have forgotten what it is like to be happy with someone

No in your DS's case he was never a brilliant dad, Blossom. I was thinking of at least one other MNer who could't fathom why when he walked out on her he stopped caring abut their DC. Who can switch off like that?

It must be an image thing mustn't it. They hate looking the Bad Guy.

All I know is that FW's dad did the same to him, was emotionally cold. I have always covered for him ans made excuses but no more. I feel sorry for DS as it must hurt. I pretty sure FW will be telling anyone willing to listen a completely different version of the truth, so he then can convince himself that he is not the bad guy. I almost feel sorry for him, I pretty sure he will follow his dad's footsteps and die a lonely and penniless.

That's sad about your ex and his late father but he's alive and you'd hope he wouldn't want to repeat that experience.

Tell you a secret - now my DCs are away studying I miss those quick, but honest conversations I had with them on the stairs, in the kitchen or driving en route somewhere in the car.

Simple stuff like that costs nothing. Your FW hasn't a clue.

And remember, its his fault that he's going down that route and its not your responsibility to try to move him off it...

Oh donkey you are so right, I know exactly what you mean he just simply does not get it, again I feel sorry for him, the only way he seems to show any affection is in giving DS money, guilt money
mistle have no fear I feel no responsibility for him, I am done with that.

Just had a text from DS saying sorry for his moodiness this morning said he just felt sad, oh bless. I have just asked DM and Step dad if they would have DS for the night as a back up and chat to DS tonight to see if he actually even wants to stay with his dad.

Well spoke to ds last night and asked him if he would like a sleep over @ his dad's and seemed keen. So have texted FW and asked him if this is ok?
Had rotten nights sleep because of pain and ended up taking the really extra painkillers which must have knocked me out and overslept to 10.00 this morning goos job I am self employed and can play catch up. Sun shining and a lovely day out there.

"asked if its OK"... I would be opting for the somewhat more robust approach along the lines of 'DS has said that he would like a sleepover on Friday evening with you, I'll drop him off at 5pm - does he need to bring anything to make his stay more comfortable or do you have everything necessary?' I put the question bit in at the bottom so that he has a question to respond to on a yes / no basis - but not the critical one of whether he can come or not!

I hope that they get a cancellation available for you at the physio.

what the hell is a goos job,ha ha. Also have a backup with DM and step dad if FW plays silly buggers. Mind you if DM finds out I am going on a date she will likely be judgemental and make me feel guilty.

That shoulder is really needing looking at. Hope FW responds but if not, don't let DM spoil the anticipation. You're a grown woman. If need be tell her the ex hadn't met your needs in years. That'll flummox her.

Not sure what else to do about the shoulder???? it is driving me crazy, have pain in my breast now, which is weird. If FW paid me the money he promised then maybe think about going private (but private what?) But each time I ask he he gets defensive and makes excuses why he can no pay, I should be used to this as he has been the same for years.

Oh Blossom. In the great words of "Pulp Fiction" I wish you could ahem get mediaeval on his ass. It's high time he repaid you.

Well just had a text back from FW ans has sais he would love to have DS on Saturday, had to then spell it out I have something planned for Friday night. He has also promised money next week, well lets see. He also asked about my shoulder/arm, blimey

So it is agreed he having DS on Friday, picking him up after work. He actually seems pleased to be having him over. Maybe living in a sad flat on his own maybe not such fun.

Whatever the reason, that's good news. :)

Now, what are you wearing on Friday?

Go knows what to wear, not quite so bad on 2nd date I suppose. I keep thinking he will change his mind. Has given me not reason to think that but my own insecurities. he sent me lovely texts last night as was the first to text, I know will probably sound stupid.

What did you wear last time and did you feel comfortable wearing it? If you did, can you go on a variation of that?