Why does he deny the patently obvious??

[Aloneandnowwhat]

He's been caught out cheating by me reading the texts, still denies it ever happened. Just found tweets to some random girl commenting on her good looks, again denied it was him.
Does he think I'm that stupid? And why cheat if you don't want to leave?
Sorry, more of a rant than anything else.

[Tinkertaylor1]

Talking to women on here really helped. Amongst the bitchy threads there is a fab support network on here!

some one always available for hand holding, encouraging, advice!

[FolkGirl]

Oh definitely agree with Tinker.

I had my thread deleted, but I couldn't have got through those first few weeks without the support I found on here.

Receiving so much support and PMs offering real life practical help (including amazingly generous invitations for my children and I for Christmas dinner!) on here gave me the confidence to reach out to people in the real world.

And that's when the improvements really started to happen.

[cjel]

When you aren't sure about whether you are being treated well or not, think of what the ladies on here would say to you? I remember being told 'be kind to yourself' and it is really hared to do but with practice you can do it. You really are worth it!!!

[captainmummy]

He threatens suicide? He cries? he shouts and starts rows in front of the dc? Sorry, alone, but do you think that most exs just say 'oh, ok' when they are asked to leave? NO! They shout/threaten/bully/cajole/cry,- and then threaten/cry/cajole again. IT's IN THE SCRIPT! Most of the women on here could tell you what comes next. Suicide one day? Ok he'll be nice as pie the next (and yes, still alive). Then it will be shouting and bullying - but his power is gone.

Get to womens aid. Give up the job that you can't do without childcare. Go onto benefits - it's what they are for! Get out. WA will help, they will help you apply for benefits, you will not be destitute. They will help you get rehoused. They willl help you get debt-advice, money-advice, child-access advice - YOU WILL NOT BE ALONE!

If you already do all the child-care, then yo are already a sole parent. Just get rid ofthe extra 12-stone of dead-weight, and it will be so much easier.

Honestly.

[mammadiggingdeep]

Op...I know it's not ideal at all but there are childminders who do overnight work. You can look on your council list. Have you looked at whether you are eligible for childcare element if the tax credits?? It might cover the cost of the childcare. If you really are only staying for childcare this might be a way out.

My children were 2.5 and 6 months when I asked my ex to leave. I know it's very, very hard...and it will get easier to leave I think. Even now a year on mine are happier to be left with different people.

[Aloneandnowwhat]

In my current job I'm just over the threshold to claim any tax credits. Will have to look into overnight childminders, thanks for the advice.

[SingleAndLovingIt]

Alone how are you feeling today?

It all depends where you live re childminders. They are few and far between where I live as most of them gave up once Ofsted's demands became too much :(

I had to go on benefits when ex-dh left and don't like it but I am so grateful for the support, and the associated tax credits. I'm still looking for work as I've been a stay at home mum for 11 years now and no-one will take me on but as you're already working you'll be in a much better position, and hopefully it won't be long for me.

And I agree with FolkGirl, life is far better than I ever imagined. The day he left I crumpled onto the kitchen floor crying and terrified about how I would manage alone as he got me so completely dependent on him, I didn't even know the password for our online bank account, but little by little my confidence has been restored and now it's the best thing that could have happened to me, I feel like I've got my old self back, and more...I'm happier, stronger...and the kids are so much happier and secure now...they knew we weren't happy together and it had made them very insecure. You can do it xxx

[SingleAndLovingIt]

Oh and like captainmummy said, it dawned on me that I was already doing everything anyway and didn't realise it...all he did was bring in the money and mow the lawn

[Aloneandnowwhat]

I'm fine today thanks, it's sort of hard to keep momentum going when it's going to take a while to do this.
I won't miss him being here, I already look after all the bills and organise out lives to be honest. Have been looking at jobs but not looking promising. I feel for you looking for work and that's what puts me off not working, I have no qualifications so not sure I'd ever get another job further down the line.
I think he must live on a different planet, he just cruises through life thinking everything's fine and doesn't even realise how sick I am.
Single, I'm really glad it's all worked out for you.

[haveyourselfashandy]

Sorry your going through this op.What about a nanny or au pair for the kids? Just trying to think of practical things that may help you.You CAN do this you know,you've just lived with a prick for too long.Don't waste anymore of your life on this man,you deserve to be happy!

[Buzzardbird]

You will sort this OP. Please just don't sleep with the rancid fucker.

[Aloneandnowwhat]

Wouldn't an au pair cost a fortune? Buzzard that made me laugh but don't worry I won't!

[ToffeeOwnsTheSausage]

You CAN do this. You do 100% of everything as it is. You bring in the money. You just need help with child care and you can pay someone to do that. While you are with this twat you definitely won't meet anyone who will treat you as well as you deserve. At the moment you are with someone who is treating you as well as you and he think you deserve.

You can do this.

Best thing I have read all day - you didn't marry this prick.

[motherlondon]

I too have a twunt who denies denies denies even though I have copies of the emails, photos, text messages.
I also have to stay living under same roof for some time. I have my plan and one thing that I devised that helps me get through is that I have counted how many days I have to be around this fuckwit, put as many pebbles in a lovely glass jar, and every night, write a happy emotion on one and transfer it to another vase that started off empty. It's just my way of seeing light at end of the tunnel.
Good luck

[Aloneandnowwhat]

Motherlondon I'm sorry you're in this position too, it's horrible.

[motherlondon]

Kids the same age as yours as well! It will all be ok.

[captainmummy]

and don't forget, alone, that if he is the father of your dc, he will be required to pay for their maintenance. It's not all on you.

[cjel]

ALONE.lovely to hear that you laughed.I like the idea of having a smiley face countdown jar. Did you manage to get that advice to help your plan yet?x

[Aloneandnowwhat]

Well for some unknown reason he's suddenly admitted to having sex with someone else, while I was pregnant with our second child.
I need him to leave now and deal with whatever happens I suppose.

[FolkGirl]

So sorry to read this, Alone.

Yes, you do need him to leave. You'll be fine and you know where we are if you need us

[SingleAndLovingIt]

alone, will you be able to get tax credits to help you with the cost of childcare? I think you may have said you were earning too much...but on your salary alone you might qualify for some help. Try taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx, but bear in mind that amounts given are for today's date until start of April 2014 so you need to multiply by 4 to get an approximate amount for 12 months (I didn't realise this for six months and thought I couldn't afford to work unless earning a big salary! now I'm delighted as can see that gov will at the moment pay about a good proportion of my childcare depending on salary).

[SingleAndLovingIt]

Oh and I looked into the au pair option for myself. They live with you and are here to learn English. You need a spare room. You pay them about £70 a week and in return they give you about 15 hours' childcare. This is last time I looked into it, about 3 years ago. So prob wouldn't suit your situation. I couldn't do this as no spare room.

As yours are little though and don't need school pickup you may well be able to find an overnight childminder, one of my friends used to do this.

[Tinkertaylor1]

Morning alone

What a horrible wanker he is , he like making you feel like shite doesn't he. Hope your ok

Already holding down a job when applying fir others is a good factor though! Could you speak to managers about changing shifts, could you confide in one that you need it as child care will be an issue in the future?

If you leave now , you will look back next year at this point in your life and not recognise the person you have been. You will be able to breath and feel happiness.

Are you any more forward in getting plans thought together?

[Aloneandnowwhat]

He is a horrible wanker, had sex in the toilet at work then came home to me after - said he used protection but who knows.
I've asked him to leave but he won't, says he has nowhere to go. Also says he won't let me go with the kids, not that I have anywhere else to go. Can't make him leave as we're joint tenants.
My plan is to go back to work next month when maternity runs out, work the six months that I have to then will hopefully have a day shift job lined up by then. In the mean time I'll have to figure out childcare, don't know if it's a good idea to ask the wanker to sleep here to wTch the kids while I'm on nights? That's if I've managed to get him to leave by then.
How on earth does he think we can recover from this??

[Aloneandnowwhat]

I want to thank you all for your help, if nothing else at the minute you've made me feel like things could get better.
I'm trying so hard not to say anything in front of the kids but he just keeps starting something.