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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he deny the patently obvious??

203 replies

Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 19:38

He's been caught out cheating by me reading the texts, still denies it ever happened. Just found tweets to some random girl commenting on her good looks, again denied it was him.
Does he think I'm that stupid? And why cheat if you don't want to leave?
Sorry, more of a rant than anything else.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 05/01/2014 21:24

Alone I'm separated. I have no family support. I discovered my husband had broken his marriage vows 2 weeks after my dad died, 2 weeks before the funeral and whilst I was trying to sort out all the legalities of his death and the funeral because my brother fell to pieces and my dad's widow fucked off to the other side of the world on holiday the day after he died. Yes, you read that right.

And do you know what? I couldn't be happier now, 14 months on. I would never have 'broken up' my family, yet neither my husband or I were happy for a very long time. I was prepared to keep my head down and just soldier on. I was past caring about my relationship too. And the thought of another one! What? Meeting someone new? Getting to know them again? Building new memories and new traditions and new injokes? Why on earth would I want to do that? I'd have been happy to play 'happy families', although I was dead inside.

But now? Now the birds sing, I have a spring in my step and I wake up every day genuinely happy. I wish I could give you a glimpse into my life and how I feel because there is no way you'd be saying you're happy to put up with what you have now.

You deserve so much more. This is your one life. Your one shot.

He's threatening to kill himself? He's cheating on you? He can, frankly, fuck off. Who is he to determine that this is your life?

Oh, and my children are fine. In fact they are happier now. They have both said (aged 15 and 7) that they can see I'm happier. They both knew it was an unhappy relationship and I think my ex and I did a pretty good job a lot of the time of presenting a united front.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 05/01/2014 21:31

What the hell has happened to you that you have zero self esteem to allow your children's father to fuck other people and risk your life as I am sure he doesn't use a condom and you tell him it is fine to do it but be discreet? Sad

You are doing your children NO favours at all by martyring yourself like this.

Tinkertaylor1 · 05/01/2014 21:38

alone hope your ok, it sounds totally shit!

He is controlling the whole situation by making you believe you are imagining it, he is disrespecting you so much that he is making out you are insane. If he hit you would you make him leave, or would you let him stay for child care. You will not be able to hide this behaviour from your dc.

Its not easy starting out on your own, hell I did it and was a struggle. Had to go on benefits for a while but it was worth it in the end because I managed to get a way from a abusive arse hole.

My ex came back after going for a few beers with and stayed out all night, said he fell asleep as he was pissed, he was also sporting a massive love bite on his neck! which he said his mate had give him, messing around. I knew he had been fucking about but by that time he had totally worn me down and i didnt have the energy to go through a fight. Your fella is relying on that with you.

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 21:38

FolkGirl I wish I was you! I just have no idea practically how I can raise my children alone. I already do everything for them, it is honestly just a case of childcare and work. And I know I'd never ever have peace from him because for all the shit things he does he knows where he's best off and will do anything to stay here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 21:43

That's it Tinker it's the zero energy. First time I found something I kicked him straight out, that was when ds was weeks old. I let him back, god knows why, but have become less and less interested in his subsequent fuck ups.
I will have to make him leave, I know this. I wish he would just find someone else and go willingly.
I need to go back to work for at least six months or else I have to pay back maternity and I can't do that.

OP posts:
Mellowandfruitful · 05/01/2014 21:44

You need to plan medium term. I don't think you should try and stick this out until the kids are in school; it's too far away. But what could you do in the next 6-12 months to make separating from him viable - look for a new job, look for a new place to live, childcare etc? Sounds like the job might be a place to start. Then there is a way out within reach.

Once you are not dependent on him for childcare or living with him, there would be ways of dealing with his harassment re texts and calling. Although it does sound like the police let you down badly re the incident you describe. As another poster has said Women's Aid should be able to advise you.

FolkGirl · 05/01/2014 21:49

You need to take control of the situation. Seriously.

Why does he get to control it?

I am so angry reading this. Not with you, but at how he has made you feel to the extent that you don't seem to believe you have any control over your own life!

It isn't easy starting out on your own again as Tinker said, but, my God, is it worth it! I wasn't working when I kicked my ex out. I went on benefits for a couple of months until I found a job and childcare.

There will be around your situation, you just have to be open to seeing it and receptive to it.

Oh and you will have peace from him. He's a worthless, little shit of a man and the only way he can feel that he is making his mark on this world is to control and bully you.

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 21:51

Yes, a new job. I have to try I know I do. I did used to have other big commitments that made it harder to be on my own but I sorted that out a while ago now. A job is the next step, I don't want to rely on benefits because I'd be worried about not being able to live, no judgement of anyone else.
Thank you everyone for the advice. I don't know what made me wrote this post, I wasn't looking for help with planning to leave but this has really helped. I feel like I have to make a plan.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 05/01/2014 21:52

And yes, if you end up playing a long game (well a 6-12 month one) then so be it.

Make an exit plan and follow it. Play happy families in the mean time, but inside your head, inside you, you will know that every day you are moving one step closer to your new life.

Frankly, I couldn't have done that! But I understand that that is sometimes what is best for other people and if you think you can do it. Then yes, look for a new job, research childcare. Plan and scheme and keep a record of it, make this your New Year Resolution.

This time next year, your life needs to be your own. Decide how you want it to look and then make it happen.

FolkGirl · 05/01/2014 21:54

x post Wink

Good for you. Flowers

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 21:56

FolkGirl I know he's a disgusting little man, that's the hardest part to keep hidden. I can't stand him.

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 05/01/2014 21:59

Well in that case, you know you have to work towards leaving. It's the only thing that will keep you sane!

You can't stand him? Just how long did you realistically think you could play happy families for..? Wink

Seriously, you can do this.

Tinkertaylor1 · 05/01/2014 22:10

alone you could find a part time job and apply for tax credits to bulk you up till you get sorted.

I went on full benefits as i let my ex with nothing and no job. No clothes, just woke dd1 up wrapped her in a quilt,called a taxi and went to stay with my dgm. Plus it gave me a bit of a breather. I retrained as a swimming teacher and never looked back. I freaking love my job.

The following weeks were hard though, i think that was because my self esteem were at zero, had put a lot of weight on and he was doing the whole crying/begging thing. But there was tiny voice telling me to stand firm, as i had crumbled so many times before, this time i must have been ready.

New year, new you?

Tinkertaylor1 · 05/01/2014 22:14

and the same as folk The last thing i wanted was another fella, but i met my DH and he is luffly! Give good foot rubs he does.

Get rid of him and find space to be happy

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 22:14

I've been disgusted at him since the first time he cheated. I don't even care if he cheats now, at least I won't be sat crying over him - I did that a good while ago now.
I just thought we could live together while the children are young, I don't hate him any more and we get on ok really, it's just romantically I find him revolting.

OP posts:
cjel · 05/01/2014 22:16

I want to say it took me years to leave mine. I couldn't see a way out and had counselling and realised I need to build the life I wanted and if we were together after that then that was good and if not that was good as well. I was well on the way (at college to train for career) and 3 years down a five year plan and I found he'd taken someone else out. I moved out.!! I have had really tough times and have had deaths and moving 3 times and have had times of real sadness but I too have never been happier. I think if you start to plan it all in your head and get the advice you can about your legal rights and possibilities then not only will you be able to cope until the time is right but you will start to gain in strength. I would also advise counselling, I was going once a week while it was all going on and it really encouraged me to realise I was capable. Do all the stuff like seperate finances, keeping passports and documents at a safe place(your sisters) stuff like that.

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 22:16

Tinker thank you for that, I'm overweight now after two babies and no time for anything. I barely wash my hair these days! Another man is the very very last thing on my mind.

OP posts:
DollyTwat · 05/01/2014 22:17

Op if you stay you know that means you have zero chance if meeting someone who really cares about you don't you?

You can do this alone, I did it with a 3 yr old and a 6 month old. It's not easy, but, the emotional stress you are suffering is what's making you so tired. Please believe me

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 22:19

Finances are no problem, I earn the majority of our income. We don't share bank accounts. Downside is that the money we owe on credit card is in my name but I can live with that.
I'd love to retrain but don't think that would be possible, have had a little look at jobs online but nothing I can do, will keep looking.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 22:21

I'm in awe of all of you who have turned your lives around. I know I'm so weak and probably just scared of the unknown, I hope I can do this

OP posts:
cjel · 05/01/2014 22:24

when you come to do settlement I think credit cards are counted as joint debt so he will have to cover half, but you may also be liable for his debt so make sure that you go to solicitor to get seperation date, so debts he accrues after that date you are not liable for.

It is a weird time but it is also exciting - you will really be free and at peace. I haven't wanted anyone else, I have spent over two years just sorting myself out and don't meet new men in my day to day life but am happier than I was with a man. I wouldn't say no if one came along but he'd have to be really special for me to fit him in my life!!!! Sometimes you just have to step out in faith and all the rest falls into place.x

FolkGirl · 05/01/2014 22:26

There's nothing particularly special about us though. At least no special quality that you don't also possess.

Of course you're scared of the unknown. We all were. But when you get there, the unknown is actually a lot friendlier than the known. And the world is full of new friends, and new opportunities and new possibilities...

And maybe you don't want a new relationship now, and that's understandable, but there really will be someone out there who will love you and cherish you and adore you completely.

But you're not going to find him whilst you're supporting this dead weight.

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 22:28

Cjel we're not married thank god.

OP posts:
Lairyfights · 05/01/2014 22:28

You can do this OP. You so, so can. If you have to plan and scheme for 6 months to put yourself in the best possible position, then so be it. But think of that future, in 6-12 months when you will be free of him!

Look for that job, get free advice of solicitors and start planning. You will be free of this mean and petty man. You and your children deserve so much better.

Be strong, and keep coming back here for support and help! Good luck!

Tinkertaylor1 · 05/01/2014 22:30

alone you will be ground down. You need to dig deep and get your fight back. Each time he does something it chips away at your own being, your self worth.

Can you ever imagine putting up with this shit if someone told you this would happen back when you where younger. I moved away to be with my ex and only came back to visit every 9-12 months and my friends were shocked at how different I looked. I didnt have any friends where I lived as exp accused me of flirting ect. He completely isolated me and once i was he was bastard.

Now im happy with DH, I dream about exp, I dream about killing him, or severely beating him up (sorry tmi) but now im in such a good place I can see what an utter scum bag he was as I wasted so many years on him, I find it hard to let go of all the hurt and resentment.

start loving your self again and your kids deserve better Smile