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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why does he deny the patently obvious??

203 replies

Aloneandnowwhat · 05/01/2014 19:38

He's been caught out cheating by me reading the texts, still denies it ever happened. Just found tweets to some random girl commenting on her good looks, again denied it was him.
Does he think I'm that stupid? And why cheat if you don't want to leave?
Sorry, more of a rant than anything else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 08/01/2014 15:51

I'm still waiting on ll ringing me back but have left keys in the backs of the doors for now.

OP posts:
Glenshee · 08/01/2014 16:50

Well done you!

Arrange to change the locks asap, and start planning for work and childcare arrangements that do not involve this man.

I would be very concerned about children staying with someone you know you cannot trust.

Glenshee · 08/01/2014 16:52

And no contact, no picking up the phone, no texts, nothing.

It will hurt but it's the right thing to do. Imagine your children growing up to be like him. That's likely. But without his influence you have a chance to fight against the odds.

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 08/01/2014 16:56

Well I was thinking of changing my number but am I allowed to do that when children are involved. He's going to have to see them even though he's a shit isn't he?
I want to thank you all again for giving me a gentle kick up the arse!
Now is it bed time yet so I can have a small drink?

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 08/01/2014 17:04

He's such a prick, the texts have started already. He seems to think he's coming back in a few days! This is exhausting.

OP posts:
Tinkertaylor1 · 08/01/2014 17:18

Well don't op alone but now breath.....

Turn your phone off

Have no contact fir a few days till you gather your thoughts.

Call work if you have no child care and say you are sick while you figure out what to do

If and when you let him see kids, don't let it be in the house .

Lameduck · 08/01/2014 17:19

It's your number you can change it to what you like, give him email

Tinkertaylor1 · 08/01/2014 17:25

^^^ well my post clearly made sense!

Well done you!

MissScatterbrain · 08/01/2014 18:15

You will need to arrange contact for the DC - make sure handovers are at the door step and all contact visits take place away from the home.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage · 08/01/2014 18:31

Make sure you don't lose your keys as you would have to immediately change the locks so no on can break in.

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 08/01/2014 18:44

Have finally spoken to landlord, he's accepted my months notice as a joint tenant and I will start my own tenancy after that. Just have to keep him out for a month, he knows I can't keep him out if he's on the tenancy. Ll suggested I change the locks but I don't want to do the wrong thing and get myself into trouble.
Work have said I'll be doing day shift for a few months when I go back. Finally feel like I can relax a little.
I have all of you to thank for giving me the gentle kick up the arse that I needed Thanks

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 08/01/2014 18:50

Just stay strong now and it will get easier.

FolkGirl · 08/01/2014 19:05

Alone It sounds like you are really on top of things and dealing with this amazingly well.

What a difference a couple of days makes, eh? I know it's not what you wanted and you were pushed before you felt you were ready, but do you remember when we all said you could do this on Sunday?

Well this is you doing it Flowers

xxx

cjel · 08/01/2014 19:10

Not sure but if the landlord has told you to change the locks maybe you should do what he wants?
Small drink is allowed as long as you don't pick up the phone and answer himSmile
Can you get another phone so you can still have contact with who you what and then just use old one for him and then you can just turn it on at certain times?
Also can you arrange contact through a third party not at your house so you don't have to see him?

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 08/01/2014 19:55

I'm not missing him at all but I know in a few days I'll start missing having someone. Don't worry there's no way I'm taking him back.
I'm worried it's all going to kick off if he realises locks are changed, or when I don't let him back when he thinks I should.
I'm going to suggest he sees the children at the playgroups they go to so that I don't have to let him in the house. I need to find out how much contact I need to give him. I want the kids to see their dad as much as they can but I don't wNt them to be used as weapons by him.

OP posts:
minmooch · 08/01/2014 20:19

You need to see a solicitor and get it written properly. It will give you strength. In most cases children go to Dad one night during the week and every other weekend. However yours are very young so this may not be practical. A solicitor practising family law will advise you. As you are not married things will be far easier to sort.

Good luck and keep strong.

pluCaChange · 08/01/2014 20:20

Have you got all the crazy, abusive, manic texts from previous breakups? See if you can parlay those into a non-molestation order, talk to your health visitor about protecting the children by not letting them have contact with someone who will scream and go nuts and attack their mother (even verbally).

With the shiftwork and tenancy questions out of the way, it seems your remaining "weakness" is the children, whom he treats as hostages (utter bastard).

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 08/01/2014 20:30

Nothing from previous times but hundreds from this time. It's more or less exactly the same, I'm breaking the family up, he might as well kill himself, he'll be here in 5 mins etc etc.
I'm pretty immune now I think. Just need to wait a month then I have every right not to let him in the house. He can be the most vicious, nasty bastard at times so I'm dreading the inevitable kick off.
I won't be allowing him to have the kids overnight with the current situation, he's sleeping at a mates house and I know they drink a lot/ probably take drugs. Dd is still breastfeeding through the night anyway.
Its going to be hard because I don't want to leave him with the kids at all but if I stay with them he'll put them in a horrible position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 08/01/2014 21:36

He just won't leave us alone. Wants to come tomorrow, won't take kids out - wants to come in the house. I've told him no. Says he's coming anyway, so that'll be him hammering on the door and shouting when I won't let him in, upsetting babies again. Why can't he just fuck off for a while.

OP posts:
BIWI · 08/01/2014 21:40

You're not going to let him in, are you?

Original poster
Aloneandnowwhat · 08/01/2014 21:42

No because I know he'll start upsetting the kids, but he's going to turn up and frighten them with his banging on the door etc. last time he smashed our living room window.

OP posts:
Glenshee · 08/01/2014 21:47

Pack all his stuff and leave outside.

Be prepared to call the police if you need to.

But right now - call Women's Aid and ask for advice in preparation.

Is there a friend or a relative who could be with you for several days? Or at least tomorrow, so that you are not alone at the time when he tries to push his way in?

Glenshee · 08/01/2014 21:47

You need a witness.

BIWI · 08/01/2014 21:48

Get a friend round, and if he does kick off, call the police. Don't hesitate.

MissScatterbrain · 08/01/2014 21:50

Have your phone with you so that you can call 999 quickly.

You can call 101 to warn the police that he is threatening to turn up tomorrow.

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