Er.. Him "Going South"

[Angstriddenmum]

Slightly embarrassing but I really feel like I need to find what other people think. My DH is really into - how can I put it - heading to the tropics. Our drives have always been a bit mismatched (guess which way ) but he wants to do this to me all the time. I love him dearly but it's getting a bit tiresome (the asking, I mean). We seem to have reached a sort of compromise - perhaps every 2 or 3 days - but it never seems to be enough for him, which annoys me. There's lots that I want to get off my chest, TBH. When he does the deed, he keeps telling me how beautiful I am and how lovely I taste (I just think ewwww - keep it to yourself). He is also not asking for any, er, reciprocation (which I am usually quite happy to provide). He just says that he loves making me feel good. I say that I am not in the mood and always thinking about other things (a few family and work probs at the moment). He says that he loves making me stop thinking about things, even for a few seconds. I say that it's just a few seconds of pleasure but then it's back to normal. He says that you could say that about chocolate!

Reading this back I can see that I have really needed to formulate these ideas into a post and this has helped. I still have more to say so I'll follow up.

ARM

[curlew]

Do not do anything sexual that you do not want to do.

I think that's all that needs to be said, really.

[Xmusician]

Some blokes (me included love doing it). It is refreshing that you don't sem to comment that you have to do it first (a lot) to get some (a little) back. I think this subject may fall under the section 'compromise'. Reading some of the very sad, bad and distressing posts on mumsnet I think this is not a dealbreaker. If it helps you to discuss then you should be allowed to do so. These forums are not just for those who can only react with criticism. Many of the post responses offer supportive and constructive help. Good luck to you both.

[normalishdude]

Harsh and unwelcoming responses from some. Well done Mumsnet.

[Lweji]

I was reading this thread again on the way to work and one of the things you comment on being uneasy about, ARM, is that you keep compromising but he keeps asking for more. That he doesn't recognise how much you have compromised already, really.
This in itself is not a good sign and he doesn't seem to be looking to make you happy in the bedroom, seeking ways of you enjoying it, but pushing you towards what he likes.

Again, it seems to me that you have some complicated dynamics going on. I'm not sure it's just a matter of telling him you've gone as far as you are prepared to go, because you seem to already have and he's been pushing you further and further. He's got used to you compromising.
I do think you'd both benefit from counselling.

[ThisSucks]

I don't understand why the OP just can't say no. If she doesn't feel like she wants it, why do it? I mean, if he is as great as she says he is, he'll respect that. The only way he wouldn't is if he is NOT as great as she says. Why does it even need to be a discussion? It is her body...just tell him no.

[Lazyjaney]

Not sure if this is a wind up or not...but assuming it's not, seems to me that some more direct communication is necessary, if the OPs posts on here are any guide and I would never have believed one can have too much of a good thing

I also can't help speculating about what books the OP reads during.....

[Fairenuff]

ARM you posted about how you feel when you tell him that's not really what you want right now:

it really annoys me that he doesn't 'get this' or, if he does, that his desire at that point outweighs this

I think this is the problem.

He does get it, he understands but he knows that if he pushes it you will 'allow' him to 'do it to you'.

He definitely thinks his desire outweighs yours, which is why posters are saying that he is abusive/controlling.

He loves it, for reasons known only to himself at this moment but probably acting out some fantasy which he has not shared with you. Whilst he is doing it, he probably has a whole scenario going on in his head.

He wants no interaction from you, no interruption to the fantasy, to the point that he gives you a book to read as either a) your role in his secret fantasy or b) to shut you up..

Personally, I would take it off the agenda completely for a while. Tell him you've had enough for now. See how he reacts. If he accepts that and leaves it you know that he respects your wishes.

If he resists and/or goes on and on at you to let him do it, there is a problem.

Try it, see how he reacts.

[differentnameforthis]

and I would never have believed one can have too much of a good thing - You have read the thread right? If not, you should, if you have, read it again.

The OP doesn't think this is much of a good thing. We are not talking about if you like it, or if a 10 other woman like it. The op doesn't & telling her that she is lucky, or can't get enough is deeply insulting!

[MatildaWhispers]

Do you feel like you are on some level having to disconnect your mind from your body in order to let him indulge in this? Sorry if that sounds a bit weird.

[ThisSucks]

Yes, Fairenuff has given you good advice there, OP. You should LISTEN!

[ThisSucks]

Harsh and unwelcoming responses from some. Well done Mumsnet.

I think that point has been done to death, Normalishdude. And why are you having a go at a site filled with THOUSANDS over a handful of comments?

You aren't trying to peddle some agenda here, are you?

[Jaffacakesallround]

Don't know why anyone's keeping this going- Op has gone.

[ThisSucks]

You're probably right Jaffa...I am not sure she was that interested in people's advice at any rate.

[Lweji]

And you know this how, Jaffa?

[Tonandfeather]

I guess the book wasn't "How To Win Friends and Influence Them"?

[BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability]

Could be a coincidence of course, but peculiar how the op has come to update just as two troll threads are started...

[McFox]

Very well said. I've been appalled by some of the posts on this thread. Shame on some of you.

Glad to hear that you have talked and are feeling happier. Be assured that I for one don't feel that you owe us any more detail - I'm just happy for you.

[Lweji]

Glad you feel happier.

I hope this thread has been useful in some way. And that you don't stay away if you need advice in future. Even if some of that advice is not what you are looking for or is not even good. It's good to be aware of different options and points of view.
That's what advice is, you can take it or leave it. You follow your own path.

[Mignonette]

Well said Angst.

There are some truly vile posters on this site.

I am glad you had a productive talk with your Husband and appreciate you coming back to report.

Sad that you had to wade through all that effluent first.

Beyond - The OP has been described as seeming genuine and secondly, don't troll hunt. You are breaking R&Rs, not the OP.

[differentnameforthis]

I guess the book wasn't "How To Win Friends and Influence Them"?

Why? because the op had the balls to call people on their bullshit?

[Jaffacakesallround]

Crikey- that's all I can say.

Read more carefully OP.

FWIW I was one of the first posters to come to your support and condemn the nasty comments, way back in your thread.

Rounding on me in the way you have when I said that I thought the thread was finished as you had not responded for some time, is very very unfair.

I never ever joined the bandwagon of bitchy posters so I am rather [shocked] that you lump me with the others.

I think actually you need to look at your own rant rather than turning on other people so harshly.

[Thetallesttower]

Op, if you are a regular on MN, you will know that topics such as this, which let's face it, were somewhat taboo in your own home and in your own post to the point you made euphemisms and hid under the duvet, are also fairly taboo in wider society.

For this reason, people are more likely to call troll (as we have had trolls posting for sexual kicks many times on this board), make jokes, and generally show their own discomfort. In-between this you have received lots of good advice and sensible suggestions.

I didn't post on this thread as I am interested in your sex life, but to help you as you asked for help and advice. Update if you want, don't if you don't. You are not obliged to provide 'entertainment' and I haven't viewed your thread in that light, so if you want to step back now, then I would do so. Don't update on my account, only if it would be helpful for you.

[Jaffacakesallround]

Oh and by the way ARMmy comment that you weren't coming back was not even aimed at you. It was aimed at the people who carried on posting unkind comments at your expense.

I'm surprised you couldn't see that, but instead chose to see it as a criticism of yourself, and subsequently lash out.

[Lizzabadger]

I'm glad you're making progress, ARM.